I wasn't sure where to post this...Have you ever been bullied by another Mom during the childhood years? What was the situation and how did you handle it? I need some help. I thought I was doing enough but it isn't working.
I started to write all the details of my situation but found that I was just getting upset all over again, and it was 6 years ago. Let's just say that the way I handled it at first was to apologize all over the place for everything bully mom was accusing me of doing to her and 2 other moms, and then I spent 2 years walking on eggshells trying to do things right but getting occasional jabs from bully mom. I finally decided to quit the volunteer commitment that had me working with them. In retrospect, I should have quit at the end of the school year when bully mom first attacked me, because I was so hurt that it was just never going to feel safe to me again.
If you tell us more about your situation, maybe we can help you figure out what to do.
She is a neighbor on my cul de sac. When I first met her after she moved in I sort of sensed something not so good about her - but, I let it go. The more I got to know her, the more I realized that my gut feeling was right - but it seemed that I was the only one feeling it amongst the other neighbors. Two summers ago she took a number of jabs at me and I initiated a conversation after that with her. She shed a few crocodile tears and then backed off for a couple of months.
But, after some time, I realized that I had been discarded by everyone. No knocks on my door to ask if I wanted to come out and hang with the other neighbors and drink wine; no invites to dinners or parties; no girly outings. Other neighbors that I thought I had a good relationship with also started pulling away…nobody even waves to me anymore. The jabs resumed even though I go out of my way to avoid her.
What I dislike about living on a cul de sac is that there is only one way in and one way out. There is no escape because she is always outside…. she always waves to me and her expression is so creepy and evil. It has been a very lonely experience and I have never had people push me away. I do make an effort to chat with the other neighbors if I see them in hopes that if my name is being dragged down by the mean neighbor Mom that I can prove to the others that I am a good person.
That sounds like a difficult thing to go through. I went through a smaller, more mild version of that when my son was in public school. One mom invited me over and I thought we had a nice time. She ended up blabbing to all the popular moms that I was single and not wealthy. Well, that was it. Hardly anyone spoke to me or even looked at me after that. I was pretty shocked. At first, it really bothered me. Then, I decided "Screw them!"
My town is very snobby and it does get lonely. But, I started being more social by going to the local shops/cafe's with friends who don't like in town. Slowly, ever so slowly, other local moms would see me out and buying something at one of their favorite stores and they started to say Hi. Sad, but whatever.
We had a small issue with a neighbor after my child came home in tears the second time she went to that house. The dad had said something about spanking my DD and her friend that they claim was said as a joke but left my DD terrified of him. The mom didn't want the kids hanging out after that in case DD said something that jepordized her Dh's job and I am very sure she spread rumors because my DD stopped getting invitations for about a year after that. It bleeding over with the rest of the neighborhood eventually though with time. I was a little sad because the girls had been playing together at our house for over a year before that happened and had nice friendship and hurt that someone wpuld be so shallow, but we had many other friends so it turned out ok.
I'm sorry you're going through this. If you have library storytimes and Parks I suggest hanging out in them to meet other moms. Mom groups can sometimes be fun too.
The kicker to all of this is that my kids play with the mean Mom's kids....usually outside. Sometimes all the neighbors and kids are outside playing and I can't bring myself to go outside and mingle with them when the mean Mom is there...which is always. It isn't as if the other neighbors have been very friendly, either. My immediate next door neighbor never waves anymore in passing. When she does wave it is accompanied with any annoyed expression -- she forces her hand up into an effortless wave and doesn't even look at me -- like she is shooing me away! It is really insulting.
What do I do? I spend my day trying to avoid the mean Mom as best as I can. But because my kids like to play with hers it seems impossible. I don't want to drag my kids into this drama. Although my oldest does recognize that the mean Mom has issues. One day my older daughter came home all upset when she had learned that the mean Mom slaps her kids. No surprise there...in our presence she has yelled, threatened and demeaned her kids unfairly, in my opinion. Even my kids felt bad for her kids. In fact, my kids told me that they thought the mean Mom was mean way before I even coined the term here!!
Ugh....It is November.....and the Holidays are on my mind. After all that I have endured with the mean Mom and even the other neighbor Moms that are following in her lead, I don't feel like giving them anything for Xmas. Usually we all make a treat or something for each other but I just find myself being depressed at the thought of putting my heart into something and giving it to someone that I know doesn't have nice feelings for me. I know that I should always be nice but this year I don't feel like it. I can't include people in my life that exclude me.
I wouldn't feel any sort of obligation to do anything for any of them. I would ignore them and detach myself. Sit outside with a book to keep an eye on the kids or send them to play with other kids in the neighborhood and have quiet meditation time.
I wouldn't feel any sort of obligation to do anything for any of them. I would ignore them and detach myself. Sit outside with a book to keep an eye on the kids or send them to play with other kids in the neighborhood and have quiet meditation time.
Exactly this! Throughout my childhood I watched my very kind father be bullied, insulted and put down by his own twin sister and her husband. He never spoke up or stood up for himself because he wanted to keep the peace. It hurt me so much to see him let them get away with it, time and time again, especially in his house. He was too kind and nice. After he passed away, these people nearly ruined my wedding and my mom and I had had it. There has been zero contact ever since. We're done. This taught me a very hard but valuable lesson: only people who make my life better get to be part of it. Anyone mean or hurtful is not welcome. I'd ignore this whole gaggle of moms: the ringleader and the sheep who blindly follow her. I'd read a book, play a game on my phone or catch up on MDC or Facebook while keeping an eye on my kids. If one of the other moms greeted me, I'd respond but I wouldn't go out of my way in the least. Absolutely no Christmas gifts. If the kids play together then I *may* take a plate of cookies out and share with the kids but no present, nothing. That would be way too much effort for no appreciation and the mean mom would probably call it pathetic or desperate or find SOME way to criticize your gesture behind your back, possibly even to your face. She's a bitch, but you do not need to be her punching bag. Just walk past them with your head held high on your way to meeting genuine people with maturity, tolerance and manners. Hugs to you hon
Aww...thanks guys!! Thank you for validating my feelings....because I am tired of being nice all the time when clearly it isn't working. I understand that not everybody needs to "like" me but I feel that it is important to be "respected". What I don't want to have happen is that my kids get involved/hurt....although they sort of already have been. The older one already doesn't like the mean Mom anyway. I don't think it is fair that the mean Mom has control over the other neighbors....but hopefully in the future the truth will reveal itself.
Funny, it seems that every year at Xmas time, we are the first ones to go around and hand out goodies that we have made. My kids usually deliver them. We aren't by any means early birds. Usually it happens the day before Xmas. Last year the newest of neighbors gave my kids a tin of chocolate that I think was Mrs. Fields. It was so nasty that even my kids wouldn't touch it. Googled it afterwards and discovered that it was not received well. What blows my mind is that the Mom at that house is a foodie. She's GF, DF, organic, a juicer, etc.....you name it. Healthy, healthy, healthy. She is a student chef in training and is getting ready to open a food establishment. Everything that she has made for us to try has been amazing. I know it is the thought that counts...but I wouldn't have expected a Holiday treat like this from her at all. I know she herself would never touch it. It just makes me wonder....didn't even come with a note or anything. She just swiped it off the counter and handed it to my kids. Hmm.
Oh well. I will just continue to distance myself. I have lots of friends outside of my cul de sac. Sometimes I wish they lived closer. It would be so fun...It saddens me that I have to deal with a situation like this. I hope it helps my kids in the future though...
Consider holiday gifts to the kids, instead of to the families. That way there are still gifts exchanged between your families, without your feeling like you are doing something for people who don't like you.
I like the suggestion of having something to do while you're outside with your kids (rather than look like you're desperate for conversation, or give yourself the opportunity to dwell on how the other moms are treating you) and I'll add the advice that when you do talk with them, keep it superficial or ask about what they're doing; avoid discussing anything personal about yourself, and in particular don't mention any problems you may be having with your health, family, anything like that. When I had that mom bullying me and getting the other two on her side, I eventually learned that they were talking about me behind my back and that this involved a lot of scrutiny of every flaw in my life I had ever revealed and judgment of me for "complaining" rather than fixing or preventing the problem the way bully mom felt she would have done.
I have been invited to an offsite party in January by one of my neighbors. I am ok with this neighbor but don't know them that well. My other neighbors have been invited and I am not comfortable with them since I am almost 100% certain that the "mean mom" has been smearing me.....therefore I am ashamed to attend the party. The "mean mom" will be there since she had a hand in organizing the party. The thing is, while I am not comfortable with going, my husband is ok. Everyone likes him. He told me that either way, the decision is up to me. He just wants me to be happy. Since I have feelings of being ashamed for not being favorable among my neighbors, I am feeling that I should sit this out. It doesn't do me any good to be a nervous wreck inside.
Started seeing a therapist and she agrees that I am the target of the "mean mom" based on the actions I described. It is nice to be validated and know that I a not crazy. But, what I have to figure out is how I am going to go forward after everything that has transpired between us. Most people cut off contact. I have done that as best as I can but it isn't perfect. I have defined boundaries and that has helped. I guess I am just still hurting that this happened to me.
I would say no to the party because you've got other plans, and actually make other plans, such as a fun date night with your husband or a family activity, right at that same time. That will keep you from feeling like you "should" be at the party or you are preventing your husband from having fun.
I'm glad you found a good therapist! That should help a lot.
Hubby decided to step in and have us not go to the party. He was also having some feelings of doubt -- that were different than mine.
Today we made plans for something else to do during the night of the party with our kids and other family members. I am looking forward to it and am relieved that I don't have to spend time near the "mean" Mom.
On another note, my therapist told me that the mean Mom is actually a covert narcissist. Makes sense. Every time I interact with my neighbor I walk away feeling as though something was not right....because she jabbed me. I admit that I am not the quickest on my feet -- mostly because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings for saying something without thinking it through. But, now I understand that my feelings are valid and that I need to not only listen to my gut -- but to act on it. That means sticking up for myself. If I can continue to do this, then I hope I can teach my kids to be careful around people like this.
This is a really tough situation. I bet that quietly other moms also have their doubts about the mean mom. I mean someone who bullies their own kids and slaps them in front of other people? That can't be generally acceptable. And I doubt the other moms are complete sheep, maybe they are feeling uncomfortable about the mean mom too. Is there any way to cultivate other friendships in the neighborhood without getting sucked into the mean mom's vortex? Perhaps the party would be a good way to try to branch out, if mean mom isn't hosting. It is so hard to live in a situation like that. We used to live in this super unfriendly neighborhood, not mean just not the kind of place where people actually smile and wave and greet each other, and it wasn't anything about us, it was just the cold, snobby culture.
I have learned, though, with narcissists and anyone suspected to be narcissists, confronting them is sadly never the right approach. They do not like criticism and do not see the world through any lens other than their own, and they will turn on you in a bad way.
I would not take it personally, because this mom obviously has issues. And honestly, if these neighbors are acting like a bunch of cliquish snobs, you're better off without them! Good to know that now. They're basing their opinion or involvement with you on rumors from a bully, so what does that say about them? I agree with the others--be polite when you see them but you certainly can make other, better, real friends in your community. Your sense of wanting to stay away from her means that something deep inside you is recognizing that she's a toxic person.
But...on the other hand, if you had a good relationship with the neighbors before she moved there, you could always reach out to select people to visit/host them one on one without her there. Feel them out, see if this is truly a friendship worth saving. If they really are good people then it doesn't sound like you've given them a chance to see your side of it. You do have the option of letting them know that you have missed hanging out with them and just because the bully doesn't seem to want to be friends with you, it doesn't mean you and the nice neighbor can't be friends again.
Glad you made other plans. Regardless of what you plan to do about the other neighbors, you certainly don't deserve to put up with this woman's bullying at any parties.
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