Need help with my almost 4 year old DD.... I'm at my wits end. :( - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 11-08-2013, 11:35 AM - Thread Starter
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Until the age of 3 she was a wonderful loving and kind kid.  Now she is mean, nasty, angry, and a bully.  She does this to us and to everyone else around her.  She is mean to people she doesn't know and people she knows alike.  She is constantly testing, whiny, and bratty.

Examples:  at school she is mean to all of the kids.  She has preconcieved notions about all of them and thinks they're below her.  She tries to be the boss of them and scolds them when they're doing something wrong.  The teacher tries to put her in line and remind her that she's not the teacher, but she just turns her nose up at her and talks back to her teacher.  Her teacher will tell her that if she is bad, bad things come along with that, and DD's response is "I want bad things."  She does this constantly.  

She screams if she doesn't get what she wants, throws fits, hits people, pushes, shoves, and I just end up defeated in a corner.  I have tried every approach.  I have tried being nice, I have tried rederecting, I have resorted to star charts, taking toys away, bribes, yelling, NOTHING works.  Nothing at all.  When she loses toys, she doesn't care.  She doesn't care about threats.  Nothing fazes her.  It's like she has everyone wrapped around her finger and she knows it.  

I have no idea what to do.  I'm so close to taking her to a psychiatrist.  When you ask her why she did bad things, she lies and says she doesn't do bad things.  She plays games and says one thing and then changes her tune.  She keeps saying that she'll be good "tomorrow" but that day never comes.

I feel defeated. I am to the point where I am entering a state of depression, and I've never ever been depressed before. :(


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#2 of 6 Old 11-08-2013, 12:33 PM
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what do you think is causing her to be this way?

Is she an only or does she have siblings?

has something significant happened between the time she was nice and got to be this way?

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#3 of 6 Old 11-08-2013, 07:58 PM - Thread Starter
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She's an only child.  She only has a few close friends.  I didn't start noticing her behavior til it was too late, I think.  Ever since she turned 3 I noticed her mean behavior start and then escalate slowly, but at first I didn't think anything of it and though it was normal terrible 3s kinda stuff.


Nothing has changed in her life.  No job changes with us parents, no friend changes, not even sleep schedule changes.  Nothing that I can think of that has caused this.  I was an only child and while I had quite a temper, I wasn't mean to people.  I was actually really outgoing and friendly.  She could care less to play with other kids.  She's extremely social with her close friends, or people she likes, but if she doesn't know someone she can be pretty rude or mean to them, even if it's an adult.


She went to a birthday party today and I noticed her being mean to some boy she didn't know, just because he wasn't agreeing with her.  I didn't even believe it at first when the teachers were telling me what she was doing, because she'd just say "Oh, they hit me first" or whatever, but I saw it in action today.  I guess we the parents didn't really catch on to how bad it really was until the last month or so.  I think it probably started sometime before summer and it just has gotten worse and worse.  Maybe we just didn't nip it in the butt early enough and now it's out of control.  I don't know.

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#4 of 6 Old 11-08-2013, 10:21 PM
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As a mother and preschool teacher I find the teacher response very inappropriate. I think she needs a new teacher and specific feedback about what to say at the moment she is rude. Bluntness is very common in preschool children and it is something easily overcome by teaching kids how to deal with situations that cause bluntness. Calling children bad and creating a situation where they embrace bad is hurtful and only makes the situation worse. My DD has been through two changes in behavior like this and both were due to teachers who weren't a good fit for my DD.
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#5 of 6 Old 11-09-2013, 09:24 AM
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As a former teacher and education specialist, I agree. The teacher's response is completely inappropriate.
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#6 of 6 Old 11-14-2013, 04:24 PM
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That is true that the teacher reacted badly, but it also sounds like she needs some serious help with her behavior. Since the usual stuff doesn't seem to be working I would try something totally different--Like maybe collaborative problem-solving, or something along those lines. Ultimately it sounds like she needs to buy into whatever solution you come up with... So I would definitely involve her in the process in terms of coming up with what might work for her. Are you familiar with parent effectiveness training? That's another thing worth considering, maybe.
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