Is it time to tell dd about gender differences - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 02-28-2014, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So less than 3 years ago I remember a mom telling dd's classmate, a girl, to not "Run" after boys. All they were doing including dd was when a class kid, a boy, was spotted coming to the park, they'd run to the gate and want him to join them. Well, now at 7 when dd hugs friends that are boys in front of their moms should I be telling her anything at all? I didn't want to create that girl-boy thing at a younger age, 4+, and possibly spoil the purity of her relationship with friends whether it was a boy or girl. And if I did it  could've also made her aware of boys as different from her and get anxious about it. I was hoping she'd figure it out herself. So, it seems like she's figured out some. She had started saying so and so has a crush on this boy. Then it was so and so has a crush on me. I'd just listen to it matter-of-factly without reacting. Then one time I asked what is the meaning of crush. And she said v. matter-of-factly to me it meant love or I think she said it meant falling in love. One of those two but to dd love also means her mom and dad and grandparents love her. I think she doesn't know what she's picking up from other kids. What did you do?


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#2 of 9 Old 03-01-2014, 05:01 AM
 
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I don't see a problem regarding hugging, as long as it is welcome by both parties. 

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#3 of 9 Old 03-01-2014, 06:35 AM
 
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I don't say much about boy vs. girl. Both my girls have boy and girl friends, they hug them, and hang out. I know that there are other boys that they have crushes on. I would do just as you are doing now, just listen and don't react. 


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#4 of 9 Old 03-04-2014, 05:21 AM
 
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neera i am not exactly sure what you mean by your question.

 

what difference are you talking about? penis or societal norms and values.

 

children are pretty good at figuring out what makes the other child uncomfortable. 

 

dd is 11 and still hugs some of her best 'boy' friends. 

 

some kids have crushes at K and some dont. some are aware of what all that is and some arent. i dont think you need to describe what love is. some kids are not even aware of that kind of love in their tweens. 

 

i wouldnt say anything. i'd only bring things up IF your dd asked you a question. 

 

also as your child grows older they dont usually let on how much they actually know. i am sure she is aware of the other love. i mean she sees you and dh. she might be aware of a different kind of love you guys have the girl boy love thing. she might be aware of the difference (esp. if there is family or neighbors or friends having babies) but its not big in her universe so she notes it but doesnt bring it up. 


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#5 of 9 Old 03-04-2014, 06:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by meemee View Post
 

neera i am not exactly sure what you mean by your question.

 

what difference are you talking about? penis or societal norms and values.

 

children are pretty good at figuring out what makes the other child uncomfortable. 

 

dd is 11 and still hugs some of her best 'boy' friends. 

 

some kids have crushes at K and some dont. some are aware of what all that is and some arent. i dont think you need to describe what love is. some kids are not even aware of that kind of love in their tweens. 

 

i wouldnt say anything. i'd only bring things up IF your dd asked you a question. 

 

also as your child grows older they dont usually let on how much they actually know. i am sure she is aware of the other love. i mean she sees you and dh. she might be aware of a different kind of love you guys have the girl boy love thing. she might be aware of the difference (esp. if there is family or neighbors or friends having babies) but its not big in her universe so she notes it but doesnt bring it up. 


Well, now at 7 when dd hugs friends that are boys in front of their moms should I be telling her anything at all?

 

This was my concern. I hear moms saying so and so likes my son; she gave him a piece of paper saying, 'I like you' Or my son likes so and so as if they were 14 yo. Not every parent is looking at things the way I do.


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#6 of 9 Old 03-04-2014, 12:01 PM
 
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Last year, my kindergartner had a year-loch crush on a fifth grade boy. She wrote him a TON of notes. She's now seven and over that crush. She's not a nugget, but a few of her friends are. If someone doesn't want to be hugged, they usually make it pretty clear.
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#7 of 9 Old 03-04-2014, 06:09 PM
 
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I don't have a problem with my 7 year old hugging friends of either gender.

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#8 of 9 Old 03-04-2014, 06:35 PM
 
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Well, now at 7 when dd hugs friends that are boys in front of their moms should I be telling her anything at all?

 

This was my concern. I hear moms saying so and so likes my son; she gave him a piece of paper saying, 'I like you' Or my son likes so and so as if they were 14 yo. Not every parent is looking at things the way I do.

do you get the vibe the mom's are not ok with hugging their son?

 

crushes start in K. they even become bf and gf at 10 or 11. but its all naive stuff. innocent. sweet. they may even have a date at 11 - means going to the pizza parlor with parents. 

 

children are usually aware of when to stop. where that invisible line is. 

 

gosh at 7 i was more worried about dd showing her underwear. she'd rough around in her dress and wouldnt notice when it rode up, or sit cross legged with dress not pulled over. she was totally oblivious to it. 


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#9 of 9 Old 03-04-2014, 07:53 PM
 
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I agree- do you get the vibe that the moms aren't okay with your daughter hugging their sons? If so, and you're really concerned, you may want to talk to the mothers. Do you get the vibe that the boys aren't okay with it? That's a very different conversation, which has not much to do with gender and should focus more on how different people have different comfort levels and if someone of any gender is uncomfortable with hugs, she should respect that.

 

But I really don't see a problem with mixed-sex hugging at any age. I think there's often an age where kids get awkward around the opposite gender, generally when they first start developing sexual attraction so around middle school, but in highschool it wasn't uncommon for guys and girls to hug as just friends and not all kids get awkward about it.

 

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Originally Posted by meemee View Post
crushes start in K. they even become bf and gf at 10 or 11. but its all naive stuff. innocent. sweet. they may even have a date at 11 - means going to the pizza parlor with parents. 
 

Usually, but not always. There have been pregnant 11 year olds recently. I remember at least one girl got pregnant before she even got her first period. I'm talking about instances of consensual encounters with another teen; while I've also heard of pre-teens pregnant from rape, which is utterly horrific, that isn't related to pre-teen dating. I definitely agree that most of the time this is true, but I also know that it isn't always true and to make sure your kids know to be careful.


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