Anyone else have a kid who just wont keep their hands to themselves? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 03-05-2014, 09:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My 7.5 year old has me pulling my hair out. 

 

I mean seriously, he has always been a more difficult child. We have done behavior therapy and counseling with him because he has always been rather ahem, spirited. He is angry a lot and gives us a lot of attitude and we worry about him the most. 

 

Truly I wonder if at the age of 7.5 he should remember to keep his hands to himself. There was a time when I thought he just needed constant positive reinforcement and reminders because he would just forget and the urge was too strong. Now, could he be old enough to remember? What can you tell me about a child in this age group? He regularly bullies his little sister who I know he loves and enjoys. I hear him constantly telling her he is the boss and saying mean things to her. It stinks because she is SO loving and generous to him. She is 5. She shares with him and really truly cares about his feelings. I wish he cared for her in the same way, but he just doesn't. It breaks my heart. Today I had to take a shower and asked them to play quietly so the baby could sleep and I could shower. The whole time I could hear her screaming at him (which I know is her deal) but when I got out I found that he had found her in the house and was purposefully doing things to irritate her and squeezed her finger really hard. I got out of the shower and felt so angry with both of them. Her for screaming, and he for bullying her and harming her body. 

 

We have told him over and over and over again that it is NEVER ok to do anything bad to her body. Is he not learning, or at this age, is this purposeful aggressive behavior? I just have no idea what to think about this. It is so incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking to watch. And I feel like what is the point of trying to teach him anything? He either doesn't care, or just doesn't absorb anything we show him or teach him. I know that sounds intense and not fully true, but I cannot tell you how many times we have told him something important and it has been ignored. This is something that I have focused on hardcore, and he really doesn't seem to care. 

 

-Hannah


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#2 of 7 Old 03-05-2014, 09:41 AM
 
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My DD 1 shows the same kind of behaviour, she is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (I don't take the diagnosis too serious though) 

 

I find that I can control her best with a zero tolerance policy. Mostly she is sorry herself, afterwards, but while she is purposefully hurting one of her siblings, or annoying them, she appears to be quite happy and not in an angry mode or anything, just kind of enjoying herself while driving her siblings (mostly her five year old brother) mad. 

 

I think she thinks it's funny :eyesroll

 

If she does it, she has to go to her room and do something all by herself. Mostly she comes out and apologizes and we talk about her behaviour. 

 

It makes my heart break as well, because I really don't want her to be mean like that, and it's really hard to understand why she does it ... 


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I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#3 of 7 Old 03-12-2014, 08:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Triniity View Post
 

My DD 1 shows the same kind of behaviour, she is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (I don't take the diagnosis too serious though) 

 

I find that I can control her best with a zero tolerance policy. Mostly she is sorry herself, afterwards, but while she is purposefully hurting one of her siblings, or annoying them, she appears to be quite happy and not in an angry mode or anything, just kind of enjoying herself while driving her siblings (mostly her five year old brother) mad. 

 

I think she thinks it's funny :eyesroll

 

If she does it, she has to go to her room and do something all by herself. Mostly she comes out and apologizes and we talk about her behaviour. 

 

It makes my heart break as well, because I really don't want her to be mean like that, and it's really hard to understand why she does it ... 

After you posted this response, I looked up oppositional defiant disorder and my son seems to fit all criteria. It freaked me out, so I discussed it with my therapist who used to be my sons play therapist. She recommended that I understand he has these tendencies and always research and practice methods that work for a child with OPD tendencies but to never have him diagnosed because it would stay with him forever and be a part of how he is labeled in school. So glad I asked her about it! 

 

Can you recommend any good books or websites for dealing with a child gently and lovingly when they have OPD?


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#4 of 7 Old 03-12-2014, 09:03 AM
 
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Oh, vermontgirl, :Hug

We tried the "Transforming the difficult child" - nutured heart approach - and it does work. It sound quite technical at first, I read the book when she was tiny, and than had it in my shelf for a year or two before I actually started to use it. Especially the reward program did not sound gentle with me. But than I learned that you don't even need the reward part, and you can use it as you like, and I think the guy who wrote it really understands the kids from an insider point of view. 

He does have online classes, I did not do them (yet) - but I plan to, they are not tremendously expensive as the other online classes - and I could not find any commentaries stating that they are really only after your money (like for example "empowered parenting - or whatever it's called, they have really bad reputation) 

 

I am reading the "Kadzin Method for parenting the defiant child" - I think it's a similar approach coming from a slightly different angle.Plus I love to read ;) 

 

I even think that I was a child like that - I think they "just" need tremendous amounts of attention, they're like little black wholes :), I am quite sure that they'll turn out alright as long as we don't fall into the punishment trap, because I think that  might be really dangerous for them, having their selfesteem seriously damaged and feeling not loved by anyone. (I felt this way as a child/teen). I try not to get emotional with her when she is not behaving, more like a "oh - you broke the rule, you know the consequence is ..." - and they are mostly about safety for her or her siblings and learning to accept the others limits. 

 

I think it's great that you try to find the best way for your son! good luck!


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#5 of 7 Old 03-12-2014, 12:30 PM
 
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When I read the post title, I yelled (internally, since I'm at my desk at work) "YES!"  I do also have one of those kids.  Although, his kind of touching isn't necessarily hurtful, it is supremely annoying to the recipient.  Every so often though, it does cross the line and we get a phone call from the school.  No one seems to think it's bad enough to really do anything about it though....sigh...his teacher is really great about redirecting, she's pretty experienced and can see when things are about to go south.  I think for him it's more sensory seeking behavior, although he can get in a good bit of defiance in his attitude, especially if he doesn't sleep well.

 

Anyway, that was rambly. And not at all helpful.  bag.gif  But you're not alone...


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#6 of 7 Old 03-12-2014, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Triniity View Post
 

Oh, vermontgirl, :Hug

We tried the "Transforming the difficult child" - nutured heart approach - and it does work. It sound quite technical at first, I read the book when she was tiny, and than had it in my shelf for a year or two before I actually started to use it. Especially the reward program did not sound gentle with me. But than I learned that you don't even need the reward part, and you can use it as you like, and I think the guy who wrote it really understands the kids from an insider point of view. 

He does have online classes, I did not do them (yet) - but I plan to, they are not tremendously expensive as the other online classes - and I could not find any commentaries stating that they are really only after your money (like for example "empowered parenting - or whatever it's called, they have really bad reputation) 

 

I am reading the "Kadzin Method for parenting the defiant child" - I think it's a similar approach coming from a slightly different angle.Plus I love to read ;) 

 

I even think that I was a child like that - I think they "just" need tremendous amounts of attention, they're like little black wholes :), I am quite sure that they'll turn out alright as long as we don't fall into the punishment trap, because I think that  might be really dangerous for them, having their selfesteem seriously damaged and feeling not loved by anyone. (I felt this way as a child/teen). I try not to get emotional with her when she is not behaving, more like a "oh - you broke the rule, you know the consequence is ..." - and they are mostly about safety for her or her siblings and learning to accept the others limits. 

 

I think it's great that you try to find the best way for your son! good luck!

Thanks SO much for the support and suggestions. I really want him to succeed and to feel loved and happy....and I want the harmony of our whole home with everyone in it to be balanced and stable. 


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#7 of 7 Old 03-13-2014, 05:25 AM
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Hi, yes my daughter is like that.  For her, it is a manifestation of her "sensory issues".  (SPD, which also often goes hand in hand with ODD.)

 

We found that diet and supplements helped her best.   We refrain from ALL artificial anything and stay organic when possible.  Also, she is GF/CF and we go by the principles of Feingold.  (Salicylates really send her over the edge.)  What we eventually started trying last November were Brainchild supplements, both vitamins AND minerals.  (The minerals literally calm the mind down).  It has made the biggest different for her.  Her behavior is about 70% better.  You might want to try the supps first before going down the specific diet route, since that requires soooo much effort.

 

I bought all the books about how to parent a child like this, and also took her to craniosacral therapy, occupational therapy, etc.  But for us, just getting to the root of the problem -- basically misfires in the brain -- and feeding it what it needs is what really helped.

 

HTH.

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