Uninviting someone to a birthday party.....what would you do? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 08:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Next month is my son's birthday, and we will celebrate with a coed dinner at a restaurant and a boys only slumber party at an adjacent hotel.  My son has chosen to invite 10 or 11 of his closest friends.  Over the past few months I have arranged a few play dates and sleepovers with a boy that I thought was one of his closest school friends, but recently my son informed me that this boy is not one of his close friends.

 

My son has complained that this child has made rude comments to him, and he does not want to invite the boy to his birthday party.  Unfortunately, the boy already knows about the party.  I don't want my son to feel uncomfortable at his birthday party, but  at the same time, it would be rude to not send this child an invite when he knows about the party.

 

I don't believe in fighting my son's battles, and I always allow him to attempt to work through issues with his friends before I become involved.  Since my son has stated plainly that he does not want to spend time with this child, I am torn.

 

This decision is equally hard, as the mom and I are friends.  I spoke with her about one of the incidents last week before her son spent the weekend at our home.  During the visit, the son was rude and insulting, but he thinks that he is just being silly.  

 

I am leaning towards not sending the child an invite, but I feel that it would be so wrong to exclude him now.

 

I am interested in knowing how other parents would handle the situation. TIA


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#2 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 08:37 AM
 
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That is a tough one. How would you feel about inviting him but not for the slumber party portion? You could say that your DS is only allowed x number of kids for the sleepover. That way he could maybe be entertained briefly by kids other than your ds during the most chaotic part of the party? I don't know. That is a tough one.

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#3 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 11:54 AM
 
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Well...you didn't send an invite. So you're not uninviting. You don't OWE this kid anything. It sounds like you observed this child's rude behavior in your home. Did you talk to the mom already about that? If so, what was her response?

If this were my party & child & friend, I would talk to my child about it. If my child was rude at a friend's house, I would want my friend to tell me.

If the other mom & your kid are open to it, I think I would sit down & talk about what happened at your house & be honest about your kid's feelings. Maybe a second chance shorter playdate before the party is in order. Maybe a weekend is just too much time together.

If they truly don't get along & the boy is mean to your kid, he shouldn't have to host him at his party.
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#4 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 11:56 AM
 
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It sounds like the kid needs to learn that others don't think he is funny. A conversation & second chance playdate might get that point across. I would want to know why my kid wasn't invited so I could let him know & hope he learns from it.

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#5 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 12:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keakiepie View Post

That is a tough one. How would you feel about inviting him but not for the slumber party portion? You could say that your DS is only allowed x number of kids for the sleepover. That way he could maybe be entertained briefly by kids other than your ds during the most chaotic part of the party? I don't know. That is a tough 

I considered this option, but he might feel worse knowing that all the other boys are spending the night.


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#6 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 12:25 PM
 
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No, invite or don't invite, but not including for all of it is not ok.
And I think he should know why.

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#7 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 12:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AndrewsMother View Post
 

I considered this option, but he might feel worse knowing that all the other boys are spending the night.

Fair enough. I admit that I have no idea how I would handle it if it were us. I do like peaceful_mama's suggestions. :)


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#8 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 12:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post

Well...you didn't send an invite. So you're not uninviting. You don't OWE this kid anything. It sounds like you observed this child's rude behavior in your home. Did you talk to the mom already about that? If so, what was her response?

If this were my party & child & friend, I would talk to my child about it. If my child was rude at a friend's house, I would want my friend to tell me.

If the other mom & your kid are open to it, I think I would sit down & talk about what happened at your house & be honest about your kid's feelings. Maybe a second chance shorter playdate before the party is in order. Maybe a weekend is just too much time together.

If they truly don't get along & the boy is mean to your kid, he shouldn't have to host him at his party.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post

It sounds like the kid needs to learn that others don't think he is funny. A conversation & second chance playdate might get that point across. I would want to know why my kid wasn't invited so I could let him know & hope he learns from it.

I spoke with the mom before the last incident, and talked with both boys, but the entire visit was a disaster.  I will definitely inform her as to why her son does not receive an invite, if we choose that route.


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#9 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post

No, invite or don't invite, but not including for all of it is not ok.
And I think he should know why.

I will take your advice.  Thank you.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by keakiepie View Post
 

Fair enough. I admit that I have no idea how I would handle it if it were us. I do like peaceful_mama's suggestions. :)

Thanks :)


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#10 of 11 Old 03-20-2014, 01:11 PM
 
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I agree that it would probably be worse for him to be excluded from part of the party (especially if he were the only one in that boat) than to not be invited at all. But maybe that could be arranged quietly with his mother, if she's understanding? So he'd be invited to both parts, but his mother would only allow him to stay for the daytime portion. 
 
But I also agree that it sounds like he needs to learn that his "just being silly" is hurtful to other people. 

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#11 of 11 Old 03-21-2014, 07:43 AM
 
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Don't invite and back off of the play dates and hanging out.  If the mom asks, tell her you didn't think the boys were really getting along and you didn't want to obligate her kid to a party he didn't really want to attend. I would spin it as he didn't really seem to enjoy playing with your son anymore, they are just growing in different directions, that's ok, blah blah.

 

I have two good friends whose daughters do not really get along well with mine, they are just different.  We just stopped getting the kids together without really talking about it. It works for us. 

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