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Gun play

1K views 11 replies 9 participants last post by  QueenOfTheMeadow 
#1 ·
Until now my 5y had little exposure to gun play, super heroes and the kind. He did play chasing giants away, got interested in jails ( we live close to one) rescue things and the usual boy stuff. Lately he wants to play gun with my neighbors boy, same age, but very different parenting. They "shoot" at people, pets and cars. His friends play IMO isn't great anyways not much dialogue, depth or creativity. His parents tell the kid no, but he doesn't listen and my son starting to do the same around him. Yesterday I dragged him in after the water gun ( his friends) was taken away and they took it out again, my neighbor totally ignored it, but i was not please for my DS not respecting the rules. I never seen him so angry with me that he wasn't aloud to play with the gun anymore.

We've talked about guns with him before, he is well aware of the powerfulness of it, thinks it's a tool for hunting and protecting police/ soldiers although I don't think he really understand what they really protection from. He knows what to do in Theory that is if he would ever see a gun laying around ( yes this actually happened to me! In a play field right next to the preschool in a good neighbor hood where I worked.)

I still do t really know how to handle the gun play, it make me uncomfortable and for sure I'm not ok them aiming a people that walk by. But realize it might be something boys are draw to and find exciting to play. Don't want it to become the forbidden fruit, but also not the hot toy.

He also has been asking about learning about wars (he saw they picture of one of those books in an eyewitness kid book) keeps asking about it. I think he is too young and would just be worried or is it time he leaned more about this sad part of mankind? Of course he know a little about war, but books would make it some much bigger, more graphic.

How do you handle the gun play, war topics?
 
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#2 ·
This is a difficult one. And because of that I will answer from my personal point of view only, knowing that different people see this issue very differently.

For me guns are not part of play. We do not own guns, nor do we have friends who do. We don't have toy guns either. We feel very strongly about that here and I would not have a problem explaining that to our children as well. However...for children play is how they make sense of the world - I think forbidding gun play is not the right way to do it. Instead taking a teaching and talking approach would work for me. I would be fine if he wants to play soldiers or robbers and police or whatever with his friend and use gun toys for that...I would not be fine with them aiming at passersby, animals or other people's property. I think boundaries and limits must be set very strictly when it comes to gun play, as it can become very real very easily, especially as children get older.

Supervising gun play would be absolutely necessary for me, until I feel my children understand what goes and what doesn't. And if there is a friend and/or family that works differently I would not have a problem taking my children aside and explaining to them, why I do not want them to play gun with that particular friend anymore until they have worked out an acceptable way of doing it....I might also talk to the friend's parents, explain my point of view and see if we can work something out.

I was allowed to play with toy guns when I was little, but my parents were very strict when it came to not pointing guns at people, who are not part of the play. I accepted that rule, it became natural and is part of my attitude towards guns today. Other toys were fa less restricted, so we all tended to choose those free toys instead as all you can do with guns anyway is to kill people. And really, that's not a fun thing to do. It doesn't hurt to make that very clear - it's not a game to kill someone.

EDIT: War topics ;) Personally I think only a parent can decide, when their child is ready for topics like that. One thing I know is that approach matters. Teaching children about war shouldn't be a "Look at these heroes, so brave they died for our freedom." kind of thing. Children should instead learn how cruel, gruesome, sad and horrible war really is and in return develop a sense of wanting peace for the world. War is never good. That's the lesson I'd want my children to take home with them.
 
#3 ·
I was always taught that guns aren't toys because they can kill and that's how I raised my dd. I was.very straight forward with her about what guns can do from three on. We are pro-guns and I'm not oppossed to her learning to shoot one when she is a little older, but they are not a toy imo.
 
#4 ·
It sounds like there is more to your story than just "what are your thoughts about gun play?" It sounds like the neighbors are having some defiance issues that push your buttons when it involves gun play.

But, I will answer only to your question about gun play and war topics. I have no problem with them. I have no problem with my neighbors *not* wanting it. Our rule is that *every one involved* in the play needs to be on board, because the play can be upsetting to some, and my girls know that some families feel it is not OK and we respect that.

Play is the way kids process information. It's the way they explore how they feel about things. Play is how they connect with the world.
 
#5 ·
In my experience, you can't stop little boys from gun play. We also didn't buy toy guns for ds until he starting playing guns with bananas.
He's 9 now and he has only a couple of toy guns.
Water guns are fun! If my ds were interested in gun play I wouldn't mind IF EVERYONE WHO'S INVOLVED is fine with it. Ds is not interested in guns anymore.
As for his interest in wars, this is a great way to teach history. You don't have to show him pictures of the Holocaust, but you can talk about the wars fought by the Roman Empire. Or Europe in the Middle Ages.
 
#6 ·
It's a boy thing, my daughter has no interest. I personally don't mind it at all and I play it with him but your his mother and if it makes you uncomfortable then try to explain that to him. You can't help feeling the way you do not should you try to overlook it if it bothers you. Do what you feel is best and don't feel ba about it. Good luck
 
#7 ·
Meh. We don't have any exposure to guns around here. My son seems to be into gun play and I am fine with that. We just learned about WW2 so I think it comes from that. Or it could be from his Star Wars video games. I am not worried about their safety with it. They don't have toy guns except for nerf guns though. I am not comfortable with them randomly going around shooting people with their hands but I don't panic either. A lot of boys seem to be attracted to gun play so it seems almost natural to let them explore. To be honest, I have never seen a real gun unless it is used for hunting or on a police officer. I may feel differently if we were from somewhere where there were guns around.
 
#8 ·
it seems there are two issues here.

the neighbors. and then gun play.

i have to say your words "His friends play IMO isn't great anyways not much dialogue, depth or creativity." feel really judgemental to me. these are 5 year olds you are talking about. i personally hope they can be silly still making fart and poop jokes. i assume you just wrote this at the top of your head without thinking.

i think with your actions you are making guns a bigger issue for your son.

i dont think you can keep guns away from kids who are interested in it. they can make it using their fingers. heck we grew up playing cops and robbers and shooting and the best part was being shot and doing the dramatic dying scene.

when you dragged your boy back and he was mad - if you made it about disobeying that is good. but if you made it about guns then you are making the guns a bigger issue than it is.

i know we all have our triggers. for some its guns, for others its penis, for others its poop, etc. the key is not to make a big deal out of it. the key word to focus there is PLAY.

i am not sure how much violence affects kids. heck i found tom and jerry equally violent as some video games.

i was trying to find a couple of good articles mothering had on gun play and i cant find it. i found some on the web. not sure how good they are.

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/toy-guns-do-they-lead-real-life-violence

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/why-toy-guns-can-be-good-for-kids/2013/01/07/8ec6b6ec-5906-11e2-88d0-c4cf65c3ad15_story.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/08/keeping-kids-from-toy-guns-how-one-mother-changed-her-mind/278518/

bottom line - no matter what, ultimately our kids take their lead from us. if we can keep a calm head and be honest our kids will be fine.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for everyone's reply.

And yes there has been some issues with our neighbor, me discribing him was a tiny background info on why I think this type of play wasn't as great with this friend. Of course he is only 6 and yes he has other great qualities too. Dispite him not being my choice of playmate for my son mainly due to different parenting style I see the value of having neighbor friends, they are the best kind to have around!

On this particular day he was shooting water at cars, one with windows open! Ran after the cat while shooting water at it and finally my neighbore took the gun away after I drew the line at shooting at the flyer dilivery guy that just dilivered mail to my door. I guess it bugged me that my neighbor didn't seem to be bothered by it as much and kept negging her kid to stop, but not following trough.

After this I did have a good talk with my son and I told him he couldnt play with the gun for a week to my surprise even though his friend handed him the gun he gave it back to him without knowing I was watching. This week I'll have a good talk with him about how to play with guns and see how it goes. I don't think I'll buy him a gun in the short run and might get easier going as he gets older and wiser
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For the learning of war I do think he is quite young, dispite my brother being in the army I'm never a hero's run warstories nor is my brother who focesses his answers to helping people and never once mentioned bad guys. My son does know war is like a big fight and lots of people get hurt and sad. I think his draw might be to the weapons like cannons, planes and the like. Still not sure how to age appropriate let him explore this, seems like a all or nothing topic.

We are in Canada so also don't see guns, know anyone owning one or are particular worried about them, but like I said it happend to me I did find one.just laying around in a low crime neighborhood in a high kid traffic area. Taught me a lesson to teach about gun safety.
 
#10 ·
I don't think the problem is gun play. Throwing stuff at moving cars, pets or people, that's the problem.
My kids are allowed to play with dolls or trucks; if they would throw them at the mailman, I'd have a problem with that.
I would have a chat with my own child about safety (why is not ok to throw stuff at drivers) and respect (expaining the mailman and cat situation) and how to disengage if his friend decides to bother other people.
If this happdned again, I would assume that he needs more supervision when being outside.
 
#11 ·
Yes absolutely right, that's why it's difficult when you have friends/ neighbors who seem not to be ok with it, but let their kids get away with it. For me it was inappropriate and that was I made a strong point for my son. Unfortunately it seems that with gun play or just rougher boy play rules seems easily forgotten in the heat of the game.
 
#12 ·
Here's a great article that really helped me when my kids (3 boys) started with gun play. In our house, we have real guns (locked up in a gun safe), because my dh is a law enforcement officer and hunts. So they have not been sheltered from the realities of what guns can do. But that is exactly why gun play freaked me out so badly when they were younger! We wouldn't allow play guns in the house, and yet, the stick they found outside was turned into a gun, etc, etc.
 
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