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"Special Toys" and Sharing...

624 views 14 replies 9 participants last post by  SoulJourney 
#1 ·
When you have company are other kids allowed free reign of your child's toys are do you allow your child to choose what is allowed to be played with? I don't always think to remind DS (9) to put away anything that he doesn't want played with when other kids are over and often there will be one item that comes up that he'd rather not have someone else play with at that moment. He's NEVER mean about it but always is rather mousy yet gentle about it because he HATES the idea of hurting someone's feelings. My sister vehemently disagrees with my stance that children should be allowed to do this...she insists that in her house anything is open game and it's rude otherwise. I want DS to learn how to say no and set boundaries and am fine with this...it's not like he is mean and selfish with his toys at ALL. How do you handle this and what have you established as your house rule for this?
 
#2 ·
I'm with you. I don't share my best vehicle except with DH because it's OURS. DS doesn't have to share the toys wich are special to him. Or the ones special to him 'right now.' He does have to share some things and willingly chooses toys to share.with friends all the time. Same for the little ones I watch, aged 4 mo. to 7-1/2. Boundaries are good and we don't have a socialist home ;)


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#4 ·
I am with you. First time I saw a mom do this I was a little put-off, but that was when I was a new parent and I hadn't really thought about it. Now I support it. We do talk about where the line is between selfishness and a reasonable boundary quite a lot. We also have a different approach to books. A book can only be "special" for a very short time.
 
#5 ·
I think it's fine to have special toys that are not played with/shared with friends! There could be any number of reasons for this (it's expensive and could break if it's not played with carefully, the child spent lots of time setting it up a particular way and wants to keep it for a little bit, it's a special/unique art supply that could run out quickly, etc.)

Since your son is 9, I think that telling his friends kindly is just fine (maybe help him think of some polite ways to say it and back him up if the friend isn't listening). For younger kids (or maybe for 9 year olds too), I think either putting those toys away before the friend comes over and/or kindly explaining to the friend at the start of the playdate that you won't be playing with those toys might help prevent a conflict. I do think it's better to not have those toys front and center when the friend comes over, though - maybe put them in a different room or in a closet or something. If a friend comes over to our house and we've got a toys all over the family room floor, I'd expect that they could play with any of what's out.

What I don't think is fair is letting the owner of the special toy play with it while his/her friend is there and not allowed to play with it. I think if it's off limits to the guest then the owner shouldn't be playing with it during that time either. (I know you never said this happened, but I've seen it before and it's related to the topic so thought I would mention it)
 
#6 ·
I think your sister is working hard to make sure you and your son remember to put the stuff away before she gets there!


I think learning to politely set boundaries is important in life. Your sister clearly has an issue with this since she comes into your home and tells you how you should run it. :thumb


My favorite line when extended family wants to tell me how to do things is to say "I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is what I've decided to do" and then change the subject.
 
#7 ·
Thanks, all! I'm glad to hear I'm not alone. He wasn't wanting to play with the item and was happy to put it away. It was a Playmobil guy that he had accessorized specifically and was in a "scene" that he had set up in his bedroom. He has a gazillion other Playmobil guys for her to play with. He did try to stand his ground, politely, with her, and came to me to back him up when she pushed further...which I gladly did. I used to think that it was important to run around and put up things he didn't want played with but the more I think about it, the more I feel like that is catering to someone else's sense of entitlement. Kids need to learn to say no and kids need to learn to be said no to. When done kindly, it sets them up for setting their own boundaries as an adult which is VERY important. IMO. :) My sister has a 4 year old and a newborn. I told her that she might think differently when her 4yo is older and I HOPED that she allowed her kids the opportunity to say no in the same way. I agree with you all...I don't EVER go into someone's home thinking it's a free for all and I have access to whatever I want, so why would I allow DS to think that way?
 
#8 ·
I used to think that it was important to run around and put up things he didn't want played with but the more I think about it, the more I feel like that is catering to someone else's sense of entitlement. Kids need to learn to say no and kids need to learn to be said no to.
But it really isn't much for a child on a playdate to be told "no, you can't play with that" especially if it more than once. We've been on the other end of that too, and it can be seriously over done.

I think it is more of a problem when there is a bigger age difference. Your sister might change her tune when her baby becomes mobile and starts to wreck everything her 4 year old is playing with. She might start to see that it is actually very unfair to the 4 year old to let a toddler do whatever she feels like, which will most likely consist of knocking things over and tossing them.

In some ways, its' the same deal for your 9 year old and her 4 year old. While there are SOME things they can do together, he has other stuff going on that she would only mess up.

May be another strategy that would help is for your son to have specific things out that they CAN do together.
 
#10 ·
It depends on your child's temperament. I can see both sides. Our house isnt organized enough for me to decide which toys stay out an which go hidden. They are all accessible. Any visitors have free range. This isnt usually a problem for my kids. If it were, i would use your technique.

I have to say, that if you need to hide a toy, then maybe your child doesnt really want the playdate. I feel like its the child's way of protesting the playdate, ie the toy is more important than the friend.
 
#11 ·
I have to say, that if you need to hide a toy, then maybe your child doesnt really want the playdate. I feel like its the child's way of protesting the playdate, ie the toy is more important than the friend.
That doesn't really make much sense. Having things that are delicate or special and not sharing them with someone who isn't likely to be careful with them is not valuing the thing above the person. A kid won't die if they can't handle another kid's artwork or special toy.

My daughter is quiet and kind of sciency. She has all kinds of delicate things that aren't really for general handling - microscopes with glass slides, bird's nests, bits of egg shell she's found, delicate animal figures, etc. At least one of each of those things has been handled and broken by younger or less careful children so we put those things away when possible or at the very least, say they are not for touching if it comes up.
 
#12 ·
I think in some cases, if the child doesnt want to share the toys, its a way of saying they are not interested in the playdate. In other cases, its not. If the toy is breakable, then as a parent, i might hide it anyway as a precaution.

Im just going by my own kids, if they requested the playdate, they are usually gung ho at showing their friend their latest wonderful toy.

It makes sense it if you think about it. But you might have to think.
 
#13 ·
My kids are absolutely allowed to have things that are not for public use. I think 'sharing' is out of hand and many kids go places with the understanding that they will be allowed access to anything they want as long as they wait their turn. That's not the real world. When I have friends over I would ask them to leave if they rummaged around in the fridge and ate whatever they wanted, grabbed my car keys and went out to run an errand, or shuffled my sewing box around just to see what was there. I would expect them to ask if I'm ok with that first and not complain or make me feel bad if I say no. It's the same way for kids, there are special things they don't want other people messing with.

We have a large family with ages over a more than ten year range. Even within our family the older kids are allowed and even encouraged to keep their special belongings put up and out of reach of the younger kids. It's not fair to them to constantly have their stuff messed up or ruined by siblings who don't care as much about it as they do.
 
#15 ·
My kids are absolutely allowed to have things that are not for public use. I think 'sharing' is out of hand and many kids go places with the understanding that they will be allowed access to anything they want as long as they wait their turn. That's not the real world. When I have friends over I would ask them to leave if they rummaged around in the fridge and ate whatever they wanted, grabbed my car keys and went out to run an errand, or shuffled my sewing box around just to see what was there. I would expect them to ask if I'm ok with that first and not complain or make me feel bad if I say no. It's the same way for kids, there are special things they don't want other people messing with.
This is VERY MUCH how I feel. My son is nine years old, he's VERY careful with things and has a collection of very fragile earth treasures, built Lego sets that he's worked hard on and other things. Our solution to this has been to make it clear that the general rule is his dresser is off limits. Period. He will occasionally have things that he forgot to put on the dresser and I am ok with him using his voice and his boundaries to kindly say no. Like I've said before, if he were just being stingy with his toys it would be a different matter. I am a single mama, we just moved recently, and eventually the dresser items will be on a shelf. I'm not going to stress myself out over hiding things every time someone comes over, nor should he. He WANTS playdates. "Toys" are not more important than friends. There are just some kids who are young (cousins) or not quite there with understanding the need for gentle, respectful handling of certain things. It's OK to tell them no. It's ok to have boundaries. My sister eventually came around and changed her tune and now, because of that, my niece has a better understanding of boundaries and respecting them.
 
#14 ·
You confuse the concept of sharing with good manners, or consideration for others. Rummaging through someone's fridge is bad manners. But you cant expect kids to have the best manners. So if their mom isnt there, you can tell them so yourself. As for sharing, there's nothing wrong with it. The problem is forced sharing.
If you invite someone over, then be a good host, thats also basic manners.
Not to mention, if there's a problem of younger siblings, that is a different matter, to sharing with the friend you invited.

It sounds to me like you are overwhelmed with too many visitors, and just confirm my point, that the friends arent all that welcome. If you dont want them over, dont invite them. Why waste their time?
If you have breakable toys, put them somewhere safe.
 
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