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10 year old girl suddenly a b**ch

2K views 11 replies 11 participants last post by  FatherBear 
#1 ·
Over the past few months my sweet daughter has become a mean, moody, scowly, sour person. It is heartbreaking and incredibly frustrating.

I know that the times she is the hardest to love are when she needs my affection the most. But OH it is difficult. She is so MEAN, so sour! And ridiculously sensitive. Did I mention sour? Sigh.

I want to support her. It is heartbreaking to see her so miserable! But I can't allow to abuse the rest of us all the time without consequences. She is really really awful. Verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to her parents (mom especially) and brother (her only sibling.)

Please tell me this is hormones? So so difficult!
(As evidenced by the fact that I am back on this site after many many years of absence.)

Thanks.

PS: We did move--just a couple of miles--recently. But the behavior started beforehand. The move afforded her her own room, which we thought would help. Alas no. Otherwise there are no major changes in her life. School system and everything is the same, we just moved a few miles closer to town.
 
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#2 ·
It's so hard to say, but whatever is happening, it is most likely complicated by hormones. 10? Most definitely. What I think might be happening is that what she is going through is still stressful, but now her new pre-teen hormonal status is compelling her to cope with it differently than what she might have done two years ago.

How's that for an easy answer? But what it means is that you might need to help her with the reason for the stress, as well as her method of expressing it.
 
#3 ·
My daughter is also ten and according to the parents of her friends, all their girls have pretty much lost their minds and have become moody little time bombs. Mine hasn't yet but she tends to be behind the curve on this kind of thing and her personality is also just pretty easy going. AND she's an only child so there are far fewer people in our house for her to have friction with.

If you haven't already, I suggest you both get a good book like The Care and Keeping of You. Read it. Let her read it. Maybe you can talk about it directly or maybe she'd like to leave you notes. There are some really good mother/daughter journals to help you strengthen your connection. It's sometimes easier to write than to talk.

I was a little older when I hit that bit hormonal surge and I thought I was going insane. Sometimes I knew I was being AWFUL and just couldn't stop myself. I was always either the happiest I had ever been ever or in the depths of despair even if nothing had happened. I felt out of control. I wish my mom had said hey, it happens, it passes. You can be cranky, but you can't be a jerk.

I have a Girl Scout troop full of ten year olds and let me tell you, the drama this year is BEYOND. Last year was pretty smooth and this year it's just...man. I hope we all make it.
 
#4 ·
Well, I'll throw something else in which is absolutely not what you want to hear. I was horrible at that age, but I was also, unbeknownst to my parents, suicidal. My fury at them stemmed from their inability to see what was going on. How is your daughter doing at school? What do her teachers see? What do other people like extended family see? I would not attribute something to hormones unless I'm really, really sure that she's not suffering in some way you have overlooked. I think it can be a forest for the trees thing.
 
#6 ·
Agree with PPs, probably puberty coming in. I started my period at age 11, and was a total a-hole to my family for months beforehand.

Set boundaries and enforce them. Turn your effort to what you can control-- your behavior-- instead of trying to control her. Encourage siblings to retreat from her to a safe place when she's mean.

And when she's more approachable, try to talk about how things are going. Is there something special you two could do together as a way to sneak in some quality conversational space? When I hit adolescence, my mother started taking me out for smoothies at the Jamba Juice once every few weeks, just the two of us, and she would tell me about what it was like for her when she was coming of age, her crushes, when she started her period, etc. and most importantly she would LISTEN to what I had to say, even if it was boring middle-school crap.

Also, read this and you'll feel a bit better: http://bethwoolsey.com/2012/09/i-love-you-youre-not-alone-knock-it-off/
 
#7 ·
My little one is still a toddler, but I wanted to say that I remember around that age being sooo hormonal...I remember feeling like I was totally taken over by irrational anger or weepiness over the SMALLEST things, mostly involving my mom...it had a cyclical nature long before I got my first period, and was so much stronger than adult pms! I was miserable, and then embarrassed after my crying or angry outbursts (usually both together lol!)
I just wanted to say, try to give her some slack...she is likely as confused and frustrated with her behavior/feelings as you are. (Of course the physical violence you mentioned cannot be tolerated, but the general moodiness can be understood).

Good luck!
 
#10 ·
It's most likely hormones—much like everyone else said, but if it seems beyond that? Please speak to her pediatrician. There could be something else going on—whether it's physical or environmental. See if you can get her to open up to you. Maybe something is happening with friends?

But please be aware that labeling—even if you are doing it on an anonymous forum, privately with another adult, or in your head—can be very destructive. It can impact your own attitude towards her which feeds into hers. If you have to vent, just labeling her actions is a more positive way to approach it.
 
#11 ·
It's most likely hormones-much like everyone else said, but if it seems beyond that? Please speak to her pediatrician. There could be something else going on-whether it's physical or environmental. See if you can get her to open up to you. Maybe something is happening with friends?

But please be aware that labeling-even if you are doing it on an anonymous forum, privately with another adult, or in your head-can be very destructive. It can impact your own attitude towards her which feeds into hers. If you have to vent, just labeling her actions is a more positive way to approach it.
Im absolutely agree..
 
#12 ·
Who is she hanging around or what is she watching (or has she hung around with in the past, or what has she watched in the past), which has influenced her to this point. Sure, there might be other factors that have influenced her to start this now, but my first inclination is to ask who her friends are, who her rolemodels are, what she watches. Watch what she watches, and figure out who she hangs with and how they talk to others and I am pretty sure you will soon isolate who/what the issue is that is influencing (encouraging) her to react in (mimic) such a manner...
 
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