I feel frustrated!!! I can not seem to find like minded people in my area! Am I being too picky?
When I moved here 3 years ago my DS was about 16 months. I did not let him eat sugar, watch T.V., or play with violent toys. I felt like the odd ball. I passed up some friendships looking for the right fit and then thought I was looking for the perfect fit. It just wasn't out there. I settled with some nice friends and tried to educate them. I finally (after at least a year) gave in a bit. At 2 1/2 my son was the only one that didn't know what a lolly was at a Halloween party. I feel I have good reasons for that, which I won't get into. They thought I was a bit extreme and that what is the harm. Maybe not a lot of harm but I felt there was just no need and time in later life. I changed a lot but did not feel very comfortable!
Then by three or so I decided to go back to my way. At this point, the "group" was into taking kids to the movies, a lot of t.v., six flags memberships, piarates, violent toys. Also, it seemed they wanted to push they kids off to gym class, school, music. The hard part is the kids like each other and play well together. The parents discipline okay.
I wish I could find a group that was a bit more supportive and involed in their childrens lives. How do you go about finding these people? I'm I being too picky?
Part of these is just the area we live in and I do want friends. I also do not want him to be too out of the loop as he goes to school here. AND we are here to stay!
I found most of my new friends by joining an eclectic homeschool support group (I think my DD wasn't even two yet at the time). Then I found a MDC mama who lives in my town (have you tried the tribal forums here for your location?), she was involved with a local AP playgroup, so I found more moms like me through her.
I really thought I was the only one around here - they are just well-hidden I suppose, or they keep quiet about being AP because of the general atmosphere being so dead-set against our parenting style.
Thanks! I did meet some AP people in my area but they were not very friendly to start but I still stuck with them. I found that they were hard on me as I wasn't doing everything the same. They were a lot different which is fine and I do not mind but I think they minded. The thing is...I want to learn and make more changes but it takes time and money! That is why I want to hang with them and learn. I just couldn't break through. I will keep looking.
Originally Posted by myboyz
I settled with some nice friends and tried to educate them.
I would be kind of insulted if I felt like someone was trying to "educate" me on how I should be raising my child. The people who have been the best "teachers" for me were the ones who quietly lived by their beliefs and were very reluctant to offer advice unless asked... and even then they weren't at all pushy about it.
If you're comfortable with the other parents' discipline methods and the kids enjoy each others' company, I'd try to stay at least somewhat involved with the group... not that they need to be your only friends, but I think it's really hard to find people who parent exactly like you... and you may even learn something from them!
You don't have to do things you don't believe are right for your child - you can skip movie trips and gym class - and maybe set up some activities for the group that do feel right for you, like going to the park...
Yep! I have skipped out here and there. I am always asked why and do not know what to say. I do not want to lie nor be rude.
When I say..."i try to educate" I do so when asked and I am gentle about it. We always share problem areas and help each other so it is okay. It is hard to stick to my ways when I do don't have a lot of support.
I've found that different groups of people meet different needs for dd and me. We are members in a MOMS group--very mainstream! But it is well organized and the members are all SAHMs (like me!)--so we have that in common. I am different from most--possibly the only mom who refuses to buy juice boxes
, but hey--different strokes. And, I feel fortunate that they accept *me* the way that I am!
About skipping out and feeling rude, just tell the truth: you and ds prefer the low-key playgroups. Now, when my MOMS group takes a "field trip" to the new MacDonald's Playland and ask why we don't join them, I just make vomiting noises
. But, like I said, they know me, and seem to like me anyway!
Originally Posted by sunnmama
I've found that different groups of people meet different needs for dd and me.
Well said. I don't think that you will find everything you are looking for in one person or group. When you find a group that meets some of your needs, you have to come to an agreement with yourself that if an issue really isn't that important...let it slide. Now if an issure is something I feel strongly about...drag out soap box and open mouth.
I don't think that you will find everything you are looking for in one person or group.
i agree with that. Its a hard lesson to learn.
i also would venture to say this...
just youre hanging out with folks who breastfeed, cosleep, cloth diaper and use gentle discipline and you think you're surrounded by like minded friends, it is very possible that in the end you'll find youre nothing like them at all. Just because you have some of the same practices as some people doesn't always mean that you'll have the same values and ethics as they do. And thats ok, as long as you're willing to be respectful of the fact that their political or religious views may be completely different then your own. And of course, that they're willing to do the same in return
i'm all about widening my friendship base now outside of those I think are more like me. I'm finding that some ppl who are much much different then i am in terms of parenting, might be more like me in terms of my political or spiritual beliefs... so when i'm with them, we talk about those things instead of natural parenting things. And vice versa.
and we do learn from each other. Some of my friends who are extremely mainstream but we're more alike in terms of our spiritual backgrounds and beliefs are learning a bit from me (one is cloth diapering and bfing this baby! hooray!) and i'm learning from them as well bout some political issues i've been researching.
so i guess my answer to "how do you find like minded friends' is that sometimes the ppl you think are like minded are not, and those you think are not like minded actually are. So keep an open mind and meet people in the places you enjoy - the library, the park, a local moms club, le leche league meetings, the local pottery painting place, your place of worship (our church has a great playgroup i recently found)...and then go from there.
good luck. I know i recently started making new friends and i have to say its a lot of fun to be with folks who may not think like me but will always be honest with me
I think it can be difficult, especially if you are in an area where some of the like minded folks are maybe "in hiding" a little bit. The town we just moved from last winter was that way somewhat. For me, I honestly do not have alot of friends that parent the way we do. We have some that come close on some things, but for the most part it's very different. We make it work, but we have had moments wherethey've thought we were nutso. The most like minded folks I find are in my unschooling group that ive just got started in my area. Even still it's not always the same, but pretty close. Its nearly impossible to find someone who does it exactly the same way, and would I want that anyway?
Sometimes it's hard to know where I fit in anyway. We are unschoolers, and we don't do the punishment/discipline thing really. But our kids make nearly all their own decisions (with guidance of course). We do not control what they eat (sugar or not), we have unlimited and uncensored televion viewing, we own guns (step daughter shoots competition on a team even) and so on. We treat the kids with the exact same respect we'd treat any adult, and they talk to us (hubby and I ) as equals. Because of some of those things it has been tough for us too. Kristi
I have been having a hard time finding others in my area that are like minded. Its sort of a rural area, and there are not so many people/or community type thingy. I have found a few that live in the city areas but have not been able to spend much time with them since I have to drive about 30 min and over a very trafficy (word?) bridge.
I'm getting pretty lonely! Good thing MCD is online. I also get pretty shy when I'm around others that are like me for whatever reason, guess I'm not used to it. I think I will take the advise from you other mammas and just get out there, make some friends and see what works best for DD and I.
Myboyz,
It is tough when you really want some like-minded friends, the perfect family to be friends with. Keep on looking, they are out there somewhere!
La Leche League has been the best place for me to find friends. THe moms who are leaders or consistantly come to meetings and try to follow the LLL philosophy are the ones to befriend. Even if they don't seem like a good fit, they may have connections to other moms.
I also got involved in several children's organizations from our homeschool group to scouts. Usually the leaders and most active families in these organizations are going to also be the most involved in their children's lives. Check out Waldorf or Montessori or other alternative schools to see if they offer a playgroup. Good luck!
I haven't found anyone as perfect as me yet in real life.
We are all just people. If you have a few things in common and have a good time together, I say go for it. Just be who you are, don't be defensive, answer people's questions about your choices in an upbeat way. For example, "Yeah, I thought cloth diapering would be hard, but it's not. It's great!", or "The sling is really comfortable, and she likes the view from here."
I am vegetarian, but I am not vegan.
I don't spank, but I get grumpy.
I buy organic, but not exclusively. Sometimes my son eats sweets, but not without limits.
I think everyone lives on different dots on different continuums.
I feel out of place with a lot of AP'ers in real life. I just want friends I can talk to who will respect the way I do things, and not people who are just like me. I think it is boring to sit around IRL and talk about "AP", diapers, food, etc. As long as my friends are not spanking and threatening or offering my kid meat and candy, and have a sense of humor, I am happy.
I draw the line at McDonalds playland. My son still only thinks McDonald is a farmer. An old one.
L.
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