I know it's been awhile, but I keep thinking about this discussion here. Are any of you still there?
I have some rambling thoughts that want to get out ...
The first one is about pregnancy. My first pregnancy shocked me in that I wasn't prepared for all of my feelings and memories of childhood to rush up at me. I was better prepared the second time, and it helped that I had the Dr. Sears Pregnancy Book as he alerts readers that if a mom had a traumatic childhood or problems with her parents, pregnancy would cause this to surface. He suggested making a list of what your parents did that was good and bad to help in moving on, not repeating, and emphasing and carrying with you the good.
After my oldest was born, I read that parents author their family's history. This is so powerful for me. I'm helping to write our history and it doesn't include hitting, belittling, abusing, swearing at, violence, alcohol abuse, etc. The bad family patterns stopped right with me. I've got my faults, but they aren't ones which necessitate social services intervening, and I honestly believe I'm a good mother.
That said, I struggle as my estrangement with some family and terrible situation with my abusive mother make me feel a bit alone in the world. I carry this with me in how I mother no matter how hard I try and how wonderful my dh is. For example, our extended-family situation clouds my decision to homeschool. This is a big one. I've always wanted to HS my DS (age 4 1/2), and he is soooo well suited for it. BUT, because I feel that we are somewhat alone in the world, and he has this hostile grandma on one side and no relatives on the other, I sometimes - often now - think maybe the community of school would be good for him and us. We have wonderful adult friends, but they live a bit away - most over an hour. Our local Waldorf school has been supportive in our pre-K with our DS going 2-mornings a week. I can't see him in the 5-day K program next year, BUT, I think to be ultra honest, that I'll miss the community for all of us.
So, I'm not trying to detour here. I'm just saying that this nasty family stuff is far reaching. It affects the holidays big time. (I try to go away for my b-day as it's too hard when they won't come celebrate. Now that DS is older, how do I explain why they won't come see him? Why they never visit? Why they only talk about his cousin, the child of my sister, the favorite?) It's a lonely road. I often feel strong, but I also feel sad. Being at-home, extended nursing, family bed, that can all feel lonely when others are criticising so much. I'm not sure I can really do homeschooling on top of the nasty family isolation. I guess I'm blabbing. But I'm so glad you're here and posting. It helps to know that I'm not totally alone in this situation, though, of course, my heart goes out to all of you as well.