How to Handle A No Win Situation. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 01:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DD is in Awana. It is this silly church thing. I am not particularly impressed but she wants to go. It make MIL happy and dh came out of it without any life long scars. The main point of it revolves around scripture memory. DD has always had a hard time with language. Especially memoerization. If she doesn't get it no amount of effort will cause her to retain it.

So that brings us to the delima. She isn't allowed to wear the stupid uniform untill she learns the first 6 pages in order. Now if we could skip the firat two pages she would be done by now and could go back to pages one and two when they sink in 6 months from now. BUT NO, she can't go on, can't get any of thier stupid award until she gets past page one which she officially has formed a mental block to.

Did I mention she is way sensitive. Especially about a stuff like this.

So tomarrow she will march off, little trooper that she is and will not say her verse, will not earn her uniform, will stick out, will be so sad and no one will probably confort her (my fear. it makes me sad to think of how sad she will be and people will think she is just acting like a baby).

The solution seems obvious. Don't make her go. I don't. I was hoping she would forget about it. It is a pain in the butt preparing, going, coming home late and exhausted and I have never been completely comfortable about it (Bad awana experiance as a child. I was in 3rd grade and still can't let it go). The problem with taking her out is that she will cry. She will cry every wednesday night because she wants to be there with her friends, won't be getting her prizes, won't be playing games. If she goes she will be crying every week because she will be behind and get embarresed and won't be getting her prizes and her teachers might not be nice to her after all this.

So what is a mom to do? tears and heartbreak if I send her, tears and heart break if keep her home. She doesn't let go of things. She still brings up things from when she was three and pouts about them (she is 6 now).

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#2 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 01:29 AM
 
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Is there any oher activities she is interested in. It would not be worth it if it crushes her self esteem. I would try to come up with another activity for her that would be suited to her. Are her friends members of any other clubs? Maybe girl scouts or something. I feel for you and your dd. I think that if after a few meetings she is still not being able to memorize the verses and it is making her very sad ,I would take her out. I would then or before actually get her into something else that is challenging but she will do well at. I hope you find a solution!!!!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#3 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 01:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by lilyka
So that brings us to the delima. She isn't allowed to wear the stupid uniform untill she learns the first 6 pages in order. Now if we could skip the firat two pages she would be done by now and could go back to pages one and two when they sink in 6 months from now. BUT NO, she can't go on, can't get any of thier stupid award until she gets past page one which she officially has formed a mental block to.


What a wonderful relationship DD is building with 'scripture'! (sarcasm)

I memorized scripture in Sunday School for Oreos. At home with flannel board lessons for doughnuts (that's where the doughnut addiction started). In Vacation Bible School for stickers.

And the rest of my years for approval from parents, pastors, and boyfriends.

And I'm one of those HSPs. All that memorizing only taught me to regurgitate up scripture, not to use any critical thinking skills toward true intelligence. I learned to perform for reward.

All that said, this is a toughie as you well know.

It seems there is no way to replace Awana for her and thereby, spare her this sucky group with it's hoops for jumping. She wants to go, as you say and will cry if she cannot.

Has she 'failed' the scripture thing so far? If so, does she want to go back for more? Being sensitive, she probably feels like the bad one in the group and just wants to memorize so she can stay.

Too bad any of this started in the first place. Thanks alot, MIL!

I don't know if six years old is too young for her to see this through for herself and reject it on her own terms. What's the end consequence if she doesn't make the mark? She can stay but no uniform, etc.?

I'm not much help...I think I'd pull my child out of something that I felt was harmful to their psyche and was voluntary. My parents let me stay way, way too long in religious groups which harmed me terribly. I wish they'd taught me more about leaving on a high note...

I wish there was something you could replace Awana with that would be tons more fun for her. Maybe others will have ideas on that.

Hugs to you and my sympathies for what sounds like a yuck MIL.
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#4 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 03:59 AM
 
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If she's not interested in joining a campfire type program or taking a class, or joining a sport to replace Awana and is attatched to this particular group of girls, maybe you can set up a weekly playgroup at your house with them? Of course I woudl have a sit down with your dd first and see what her ideas are about this.
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#5 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 11:52 AM
 
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Have you talked to the leader? Maybe they will cut her some slack?
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#6 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 03:13 PM
 
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You didn't say know old your dd is. I assume she is old enough to be reading, 2nd or 3rd grade. I think that that age is old enough to have a talk with her about what is required to be involved with this group. If she really wants to go to this group and she understands the requirements then she can decide how to handle this (with your input of different options). If this is her only opportunity to play with these friends and that is really what she wants then maybe some playdates would be better.
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#7 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 03:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by lilyka
She still brings up things from when she was three and pouts about them (she is 6 now).
Corriander, I believe lilyka's DD is 6 years old. Dunno if that will make a difference in your advice, just wanted to offer it up...
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#8 of 13 Old 10-02-2002, 06:24 PM
 
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Definitely look into Girl Scouts, where she can wear a uniform without having to memorize anything and can earn awards in a wide variety of ways! Don't present it as a replacement for Awana but as a separate activity. Encourage her friends to join the same G.S. troop so she will have another activity to share w/them.

She's old enough to brainstorm and talk about pros and cons. Sit down with her and explain the problem--that going to Awana is making her sad every week and that makes you sad too. Make a list of the good things about Awana and the bad things. Ask her to think of different ways she might solve the problem.

Also, look for another way for her to be religious. (She may already have some, but it would be helpful to be able to replace Awana with something.) Find something church-related she can do that suits her competencies. I'm afraid she may think, or other kids or even the leaders may tell her, that her failure to memorize scriptures means she doesn't really love God or vice versa.

Good luck! Keep us posted on how this turns out. your daughter for me!

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#9 of 13 Old 10-03-2002, 01:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We are already in girl scouts, dance lessons and misc. other fun group stuff. (we are HS so all of this is during the day) and for some reason she really wants to do Awana. I know part of it is the friends and last year was really great. They did give all the kids thier uniform tonight which helped. And I noticed that the older kids all had all of thier badges so they must have a lot of leanancy. that is all I am asking for is that they treat her like the little kid that she is. I also got a letter from Awana headquarters saying that they understand the book is above kindergarteners and are doing some serious revisions and at the rate we are going she will still be in that book when the revision comes out . I guess that is an upside.

Corriander, my baby will be six tomarrow and she can read but doesn't. And the pages have to be free from distraction which these are not so to make a short answer long no she really isn
't reading. It will be easier when she is really reading because I can say it is your book, it is your responsibility where is now I have to drill her endlessly. What a drag.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#10 of 13 Old 10-05-2002, 03:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ah apperantly the leanancy quotient is high They signed her of on stuff we hadn't even gotton to and now all she has to learn is the pledge and she is done with the entire first section. Maybe it ian't as bad as it seems.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#11 of 13 Old 10-05-2002, 02:28 PM
 
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Sounds like a step or two in the right direction!
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#12 of 13 Old 10-12-2002, 07:12 PM
 
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to my baby!! I'm just gonna throw in some Aunt Donna advice here~ can she sing the first two pages?? (it's okay mommy, no one will ask *you* to sing outside the house ) Cheer them (ya know, you give the first word/line and she gives the next, etc etc)? Learn signs for the important words? Anything to make them easier to go into her little memory bank
I don't doubt that a lot of her anxiety is needing approval from Gramma. She's already doing so much stuff that Gramma doesn't approve of (i.e. homeschool), she really really wants to succeed in something that brings her Gramma's love. Can you enlist Pat in helping? Give her more time with and more attention to Madeline?
Miss Diana loves her still! :better

~diana google me: hahamommy. Unschooling Supermama to Hayden :Super Cool Girlfriend to Scotty . Former wife to Mitch & former mama to Hannahbear
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#13 of 13 Old 10-16-2002, 06:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Diana - probably more my stress than hers. Not nearly as bad as I thought. They don't even say the verses by themselves apparently they say them as a group and everyone gets signed off together and then they go play. Big wup! Last year Josees mama was in the room with her so she was well cared for . How is Donna by the way And there is a tape with everything put to music but I didn't want to wait 6 weeks for it. It will be half over by then.

G;ad you are back

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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