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Playful Parenting (thread 2)

5K views 134 replies 28 participants last post by  Embee 
#1 ·
I'm rolling over because the previous thread got so long, and also to tell about a playful parenting weekend workshop I got word about in a newsletter.

You can go to the Playful Parenting website to sign up for the newsletter, but in short, Cohen will be holding a workshop over the weekend of August 13 & 14 in Boston. I would love to go but I think I have a schedule conflict. But I hope he will do more of them in the future.
 
#77 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MangoMamma
Do you find it difficult to switch gears? Sometimes I get so embroiled in these riduculous battles. We used to fight about getting ready for ballet class in the am, be late and stressed. Her crying, I don't want to go to ballet class. Yesterday, I tried making it a race to see who could get ready first. Then in a sly voice said "Oh, she's playing with barbies, she won't notice I'm getting ready, and I'm not going to help her get dressed no matter what she asks me." Dd smiled and asked me if I could help her get dressed. I said in a silly voice. "Oh, sure, dd." She got dressed before me. I had a huge, dramatic temper tantrum because I never can win this race. We were at ballet class early.
I used to take this approach with getting jammies on... very helpful and fun too! Funny, once we've done something long enough, the issue just sort of melts away (to make way for new and improved ones!
), so hang in there and keep it up, mama!


Quote:

Originally Posted by MangoMamma
But my question is to myself I guess, is why don't I remember this more. Why do I keep trying to convince her to get dressed, or turn the TV off etc. Why is it so hard to remember to be playful. How do I remember to keep doing it?
OH OH OH! Yes... this is me! I bow at the alter of PP and yet, I forget all the time. It's funny when this happens to either DH or I and then we realized that its not just DS being a pain, its us forgetting to have a sense of humor... once we remember how to reconnect, things are much better but I think mainly, its just very easy to get caught up in my own stuff, ya know? And then also, in many ways playing can take more work at least initially. Of course, its usually much more effective and well worth the effort but indeed, somedays its *ME* who just wants DS to succumb to *MY* will. What can I say, want to be the kid!


Mostly, we are usually just in a groove or not. I do think its important to remind ourselves one way or another. For a long LONG time I had the book sitting out in the kitchen. I'd pick it up as I poured my coffee and just read a paragraph or two. Reading nurtures my mind and can keep me on the right path. I loaned the book our to a friend though and yikes, I hope she gives it back soon! Fortunately, I have a couple of others I keep around just for occasions like these.


The best,
Em
 
#78 ·
Thanks for your support Embee.

Tonight I decided no matter what she said or did at bedtime I wasn't going to get upset. It worked much better! I still don't know how we are going to resolve all the issues...but in the process of figuring this out hopefully I can remeber not to take everything so seriously.

It's late here...I'm going to sleep now!
 
#79 ·
Yeah, Mangomamma, it's hard to switch gears. Sometimes I jsut resent how difficult it is, and I want things to jsut be smooth. This is called fighting reality, which is rarely a good plan, since reality is way bigger than me. :LOL I wish I could always be great. This does not seem to be an option, but neither does giving up--so, being a perfectionist, I am really in a bind.

I've probably said this before, but I'll say it again--another awesome book that helps is Becky Bailey's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline (ignore silly title). I am workign with it a lot, and it also makes it so clear how you can learn somethign and then it's still hard to do, and then you can do it once but it's still hard the next time.... I think the reason it's so hard to stay with it is that this is about learning and growing as a person, being the kind of human you want to be, and that that is just hard. Going contrary to habit, upbringing, unconscious beliefs, and culture--of course it's hard. I try to be gentle with myself, and often fail; but you know, if I can accept that growing is hard and awkward for me, it might help me accept that it's hard for ds too, and be gentler with both of us.

I am reading Pema Chodron (Buddhist nun, writer, teacher), and it's nice to hear from this extremely wise and evolved person, whose JOB is being spiritually awake, that, guess what? It's still hard.

Sometimes it helps to remember that this parenting is (at least as I am practicing it) a spirtiual path. Somebody said having a preschooler is like going to Buddhist boot camp. There isn't any time when you can just slouch around and take a break--if you fall apart and act crazy, you do it on the job.....and then get another opportunity to learn and grow, whether you deserve it or not.

I am going to try silly voices. Oh no, another way to have to let go of my dignity.....
 
#81 ·
Hi all! Still into this thread, or not? I'm wondering how it's going with you. I am reading "Real Boys," (large book, but ds was sick in bed
). He talks about how boys express love through doing and working, and he gave the example: a typical boy will show his mom he loves her by saying "play with me!"

Which made me think. This book is intense hard stuff to read, about what our culture does to boys (yes, i know what it does to girls, too)--but there is a lot about how to respond to that and support boys in being whole people amidst all the pressures. And one of the main things he says really helps is to PLAY with them. Cars, dolls, dinosaurs, basketball, videogames, whatever they are into at their age. I like the research-based approach, and I like the added push to keep playing, keep playing, keep playing.... Even when it wears me out. People without kids say occasionally to me "What fun to be a sahm to a 4 year old, you must get to play all day." At which time I recite Thich Nhat Hanh's meditation, "Breathing in, I calm myself; breathing out, I smile."
I'd been feeling kinda freaked out by the mounting weirdness of parenting a boy in this culture, and it helps to know that I am doing it right, that I can make a difference, and that all that time trying my best to sound like a diesel engine is important.

I loaned PP to my mom, and she really loves it. She is a wonderful play-er. Always has been. So much of my parenting makes her slap her forehead and say Oh Why Did I Do Everything So Wrong--it's nice to be able to show her some stuff she really did right. And still does, every Tuesday with DS.

So, if you still want to continue the ridiculously long life of this thread, tell me what's up with you.
 
#82 ·
Hey Denise!

So good to *see* you. I just received my copy of PP back from a friend... she's borrowed it twice and still has yet to read it.
At any rate, I'm glad to have it back in my posession and feeling newly inspired, was actually going to restart the thread myself. I was thrilled to see your post straight away!

I recently read "Real Boys" as well as "Raising Cain." Both similar in tone, but Real Boys does do an excellent job in discussing the benefits of playing with your son. Just one more inspiration to "keep on playing!"


Things here are pretty good. I'm noticing some changes in DS these days, and I feel at times that I'm one step behind. DS is again becoming another level up on the sensitivity meter. Sarcasm on my part is OUT OUT OUT. I can play angry/silly, but sarcatic comments (usually made when I want to rant but am trying not too
) are out. He's starting to weep at certain themes in books and stories, rubs his eyes and tells me he has something in them... I've been trying my hardest to let him know that its OK to cry. Interesting, he's never been told or shown otherwise, but society I suppose or some internal mechanism has somehow seeped into his consiousness here?!?!

I've noticed some real "themes" in his play and have found that largely, if Dinosaurs are being played, acted or drawn, DS is working through anxiety of one sort or another, not feeling quite right. Trains are a sign he's focused and wanting to plan and build, produce. Trucks signal that he's feeling relaxed and wanting to merge with the Earth--sensory. DIG THAT DIRT! One of our strongest themes lately is that of witches and fairies. DS since he was 2 1/2 - 3, has had a strong female side to him and it continues. Depending on the day, I have a daughter or a son or both. When he's a girl, he's darned serious about it and even when he's pursuing "boyish" things such as backhoe digging in the dirt, if he's decidely a girl, he's a girl doing just that. Yep, that's my guy, pig tails, dress, making motor sounds and digging at the same time. As to the witches and fairies, he seems at odds with magic being real or not. I've read that four is "fantasy" but 5 is "fact based" and I totally see his brain trying to make sense of the contrasting themes, what to believe, what stance to take. At times, he seems to really struggle with this so we've been having lots of conversations about facts, rules but also by magic is fun and ok too. In games, he wants to "play by the rules" but can't help changing things around so that he feels more in charge of what's going on... and so on.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this?! I'm just really trying to "notice" things about DS right now. Playing right now is fairly typical, I jump in when he wants me too and play zoo or farm or help him set up yet another configuration with his train. I feel I'm in a bit of a supporting role right now, but I'm thinking DS would like more from me. I've been strained (parents are getting old and sick and I've been distracted with that) which keeps me from engaging fully at times. There have also been moments when I'm joining in, focused but clearly "not getting" the direction DS wishes to take. My dialog during zoo today (I was the deer and he was the giraffe) was frustrating him and I wasn't at all sure what he wanted from me? *sigh* I never did get it right. OTOH, my greatest ally is still simply, being as silly as possible. The other night while he was in the tub, I put on some music and started doing strange dances and faces while running by the outside of the bathroom door. Back and forth I went for what seemed like ages. DS was laughing so hard! I haven't heard him bust a gut with me in ages (he does with DH all the time) so it was a lot of fun and giggles are still great for connecting.

In general, I am sensing 5 (he turned so last week), is going to be a big "mommy" age. Four seemed to create distance, but 5 feels like we're better connected somehow even when the going gets rough. He's even had some sep anxiety and its been ages since we've dealt with that. He himself figured out a way to deal with it though--he simply pretends I'm a robber, and chases me out of the house before I can steal anything.
DS is definitely "taking the lead" in play in a very pointed way these days. He's very clear (usually with exception to the above zoo story) in what he wants me to do, say or what part he wants me to portray, "Ok, now pretend you don't see and go looking for me." It's as if he NEEDS me to take on a certain role so that he can experiement with different roles himself.

And last but not least (and probably not last but my brain is fading), the 'ol reversal game is still in play and working for us all, "DS, whatever you do DO NOT brush your teeth!" DON'T DO IT! DON'T! Oh, my gosh Dad, he's cleaning his teeth! Now they'll be healthy and clean and not brown and crusty." He's determined to defy us I tell you!"


So that's where we're at. DS and I started pulling up sod for our veggie garden today. HUGE project on the horizon and we're both very excited. It will be a great experience for us both, new for us both that's for sure. For connecting, playing, working and homeschooling, I feel it would be a good all around experience. YAHOO!

The best,
Em
 
#83 ·
I don't have a boy but I was excited to see the thread revived. It motivated me to play again. Lately dd has been doing a lot of playing by herself. I do feel a sense of relief that I don't have to participate. However, after reading your posts I think I would like to start doing more playing with her.
 
#84 ·
Oh, Embee, I am so inspired by your observations about what yoru ds is doing with what kinds of play--that's so interesting, it makes me want to watch ds closer. I have been feeling kinda baffled by his play since Xmas--the new train, new etc etc has led I think to more play that is about discovering the toys, and he hasn't gotten into branching out with his ideas yet. I have been doing some chase-wrestle play with him and his buddy together, though, and that works so well I don't know why I forget to do it. (Works well would mean that ds doesn't do as much assault and battery during the playdate...)

OK, here is a long story, which you can skip if you want--but I have to tell you, back in early Dec. I had a total freakout here because a friend of my dad's gave ds an O scale electric train--track oval about 5 feet by 3 feet, engine and 3 cars each about 10 inches long--without asking us. It was one of those big family messes, where I was trying to be perfect while flipping my lid. Not fun. I thought I was freaked because we were planning to give ds the wooden train set for xmas and felt like our gift was trashed (and his room was full), but even more than that it was feeling like my dad and this guy we hardly know were taking my imaginative *little* boy and giving him big boy toys...I hate electric trains. They bore me to tears. I was feeling like my little guy was being stolen by these men, and pulled too fast into the totally foreign world of boy-only play....I did not figure this out till later, but you can imagine where my intensity level was, given that this is what it was about for me.... Then my BIL gave ds more cars for the small electric train set dh has, so at one point after xmas we had 2 electric trains running in his room!!!! --BUT we ordered the wooden one anyway, and just before xmas he was saying "What I want for a present is a wooden train set like Keegan's, that you can PUSH, only with diesel engines, like the Santa Fe and CSX and Amtrak"--which is precisely what we and other (cooperative) relatives had ordered
. And now, happy ending (ha--nothing is an ending), he loves his wooden trains, and he loves his electric trains but is happy keeping them in a box where they won't get stepped on or have to be shared. Shortly afterwards, I started reading Real Boys and have been feeling saner.

OK, done with long story. Mangomamma, I can relate to the relief about solitary play--and I have found that if I don't stay in the habit of regularly playing with ds even when he's being more independent, I get "spoiled"
and it's really hard to start again when he needs my company more. I'm going to try to remember that, though independent play seems a foggy distant memory right now....


And embee, yes, I've seen that thing with the rubbing eyes and denying tears, too, and it makes me SO sad... I don't get it... He tries so hard never to cry. I've been encouraging the men in his life to talk to him about their fears and sadnesses and when they were kids and got hurt and cried, just so he's got more stories helping him out. Sometimes I'm surprised by what makes him "not cry"--usually disappointment, esp. when it has to do with people stuff. Not getting to spend the day with Grandpa because Grandpa is sick; me saying I'm going to a meeting. Yeah, sensitivity stuff, and if you weren't watching practically with a microscope, you would never know. Good thing they have moms, huh.
And it's good to hear that 5 is closer for you--I have been feeling like there's a vacuum cleaner steadily pulling him away from me sometimes.
 
#85 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
Oh, Embee, I am so inspired by your observations about what yoru ds is doing with what kinds of play--that's so interesting, it makes me want to watch ds closer. I have been feeling kinda baffled by his play since Xmas--the new train, new etc etc has led I think to more play that is about discovering the toys, and he hasn't gotten into branching out with his ideas yet. I have been doing some chase-wrestle play with him and his buddy together, though, and that works so well I don't know why I forget to do it. (Works well would mean that ds doesn't do as much assault and battery during the playdate...)
Today, after breakfast, DS bundled up and went out to his sandbox, his universal sign for: I'm feeling rather independent today. I haven't been in the house alone for ages. It was very VERY strange. And nice.

Here, here on the wrestling with two... I've also had success with "putting them on the same side" against me when they're fighting a lot. Hide and tell them to come find me or act like a dolt, or stupid about something and have them jump in and correct me, etc. Very helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
OK, here is a long story, which you can skip if you want--but I have to tell you, back in early Dec. I had a total freakout here because a friend of my dad's gave ds an O scale electric train--track oval about 5 feet by 3 feet, engine and 3 cars each about 10 inches long--without asking us. It was one of those big family messes, where I was trying to be perfect while flipping my lid. Not fun. I thought I was freaked because we were planning to give ds the wooden train set for xmas and felt like our gift was trashed (and his room was full), but even more than that it was feeling like my dad and this guy we hardly know were taking my imaginative *little* boy and giving him big boy toys...I hate electric trains. They bore me to tears. I was feeling like my little guy was being stolen by these men, and pulled too fast into the totally foreign world of boy-only play....I did not figure this out till later, but you can imagine where my intensity level was, given that this is what it was about for me.... Then my BIL gave ds more cars for the small electric train set dh has, so at one point after xmas we had 2 electric trains running in his room!!!! --BUT we ordered the wooden one anyway, and just before xmas he was saying "What I want for a present is a wooden train set like Keegan's, that you can PUSH, only with diesel engines, like the Santa Fe and CSX and Amtrak"--which is precisely what we and other (cooperative) relatives had ordered
. And now, happy ending (ha--nothing is an ending), he loves his wooden trains, and he loves his electric trains but is happy keeping them in a box where they won't get stepped on or have to be shared. Shortly afterwards, I started reading Real Boys and have been feeling saner.
Whoah. I was reading your story and was amazed by the similarity of a situation that happened with us about a year and a half ago. Did I write about this maybe? At any rate, DH and I had been accumulating (on the sly) these beautiful old Thomas Trains that they no longer make (die-cast, metal engines with a special track). We'd gotten DS a starter kit and had been searching the internet for inexpensive engines to go with it, and perhaps some track. It was the most we'd spent on any toy so far, about 75-80 bucks so it was a big deal for us. He already had his wooden train, basic--just tracks and a little train, and loved them and we thought the Thomas train set would be fun for him as something a little different. We were excited because we knew DS would be OVER THE MOON about them. And then FIL, with the best of intentions found an O-Scale train, complete with track, same size you mentioned, engine, tender, cars, caboose, the works. The kicker was that he found it at a garage sale and "fixed it up." In other words, it only "mostly" worked. I. WAS. LIVID. LIVID! FIL didn't clear this with us. This thing was BIG (as you well know) and we have a TINY house. Not ok IMO. Plus, it was only "mostly working." DS was 3 1/2 at the time. Talk about frustration levels (his and mine everytime it jumped the not so perfect track), or failed to work at all. It was major eye candy for DS. He was "over the moon" about it and that made the frustration about the whole thing even worse. I was caught between being livid with FIL and heartbroken for DS. Add to that, DH has been planning for the longest time when DS was older, perhaps 7 or 8 to build an HO scale train, together. This felt over the top to say the least. This little "surprise" was popped on us on Fathers Day, a family gathering. What could I say? FIL was trying to be sweet and I love him for it, but but but... My SIL was so cute, she came out to greet me at our car to warn me about what was awaiting DS in the living room. She knew. FIL, clueless. At any rate, I let this get to me for days and days and days... and days. Turned into weeks, perhaps months. I was mad that he would get something so huge and age inappropriate, not to mention LOUD! And then that we had already been planning to surprise DS for Christmas with what now felt like the puny little trains we'd gotten him. I like electric trains, but only if DS is VERY interested when he's OLDER, and to be a joint project with DH. DS was already so happy to have trains to push and manipulate himself, I was angry he was given something to watch. It got so that when DS asked to put the big train up, my blood would boil. I had a very hard time keeping my cool about it. And the moment it jumped track and DS would get upset, I'd cringe and look at DH and say, he's YOUR father. You fix it! This is not my usual personality so this thing REALLY got to me. Needless to say by now, I feel your pain, Denise.

Fast forward. I got over it, albeit slowly. Over the next year, the train finally died completely and DH decided he wasn't going to take it apart again or fix the track one more time. The track was trashed, and we kept the train which is now part of the decor of DS's room. Sometime later, I did find a very small, battery operated train at the Goodwill for $5 in excellent condition which DS appreciated very much. DH made a train table for it and DS enjoys it, but mostly because he likes to build "scenes" around it. At Christmas time most of my ornaments, not to mention a string of lights, ceramic Christmas houses, snow, etc. were all in "train room." He doesn't even like to run it, prefers to "observe it." When people ask him to turn it on, he rarely obliges. When we first got it, it was on for several days on end, but once he was over it, it became mostly about viewing. OTOH, he still plays with his Thomas set (which he was thrilled about, whew!) and his Brio all the time. Sets them up over and over again on the living room floor, makes "scenes" and... also PLAYS with them for hours.

We never said anything to FIL, and even at the time, I tried hard NOT to be angry but it was work, I admit. FIL is lovely, but I prefer when he sticks to things like art supplies and gift certificates.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
Mangomamma, I can relate to the relief about solitary play--and I have found that if I don't stay in the habit of regularly playing with ds even when he's being more independent, I get "spoiled"
and it's really hard to start again when he needs my company more. I'm going to try to remember that, though independent play seems a foggy distant memory right now....

Yes, I totally get this. Me too, meeeee tooo. With that, I am finally embracing the wisdom of a regularly sceduled daily "playtime" for DS and I. I didn't feel the "need" for it before, we played in and out all day, but I think having a time DS can count on is helpful, and even more, I feel like having it on the schedule helps me switch gears and "know my place" for that hour. In play on and off throughout the day, I allow myself to be distracted with anything and everything if I'm not careful. The scheduled hour keeps me honest, it really does. (Ahem, I did happen to schedule it however from 2-3pm, knowing the kitchen timer will go off at 3 when DS likes to watch his program on PBS. Figured it would make a decent segue and I could start prepping the dinner stuff, finish chores, etc.)


Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
I've been encouraging the men in his life to talk to him about their fears and sadnesses and when they were kids and got hurt and cried, just so he's got more stories helping him out.
Excellent idea! I will do the same!

Sorry, talk about long. I've had A LOT on my mind about all of this lately. I guess because I've been re-reading the book again. I've taken to going through and highlighting all my favorite play ideas!


The best,
Em
 
#86 ·
Embee, that is totally weird that you had the same train experience. Or do 47% of all families have this happen?
I am kind of comforted to hear that you freaked out as bad as I did. Processing it with my primary processing-buddy later, I realized I actually had learned a huge amount of stuff about myself and others in this situation. For one thing, that the fact that I was utterly human about it (complete with mean remarks to Mom that I had to call back and apologize for in three minutes) did not trigger the end of the world... in fact, it was all ok. A bunch of people, including me, made various mistakes, and then life went on. Whoa. I am reading Pema Chodron, and spent this whole experience saying to myself (and dh) "I am freaking out. I am really freaking out. I don't know why I am so freaked out but I am really freaked. I am so disappointed. I really am disappointed..." in a fairly calm way, while I went on freaking out. It was kinda surreal and also very educational. I would say on the whole I wish the electric trainshad never appeared, but it sure was a great opportunity to practice a crisis when nobody was bleeding.


Oooh, daily playtime....I know that's what we need, but boy am I resisting it.

Tonight ds wanted to play "a whacking game" with the couch pillows, and I just fell over loudly every time he hit me, and he giggled so hard I thought he would fall down. I got to laughing too, because he was so funny. I need to remember that stuff--it's more fun for me than cars, and I think we need some aggression play. Ahem. Me being the primary model of aggression in ds's life....maybe we should get some violent videos and I can blame them instead...
Naw, at least I don't hit people. Except with pillows.

Thanks for giving me more to think about. And those ideas about playing with 2 kids--I will be using them, probably tomorrow.
 
#87 ·
I'm finding it hard to really play these days.....I've gotten more into leading activities than really playing. For example, I'll suggest we make muffins or paint where my role is to more of a faciliator than a true play partner. When I ask the kids to do something and they don't I've tried to get cooperation with being playful and silly. It's just one of those times where I feel like I don't have the energy to be as playful and creative as I could be...and since I'm basically confessing my playful parenting challenges right now let me say I'm resisting one particular play theme too...dd1 sometimes likes to pretend she's a baby and she does the baby talk, and wants to be carried everywhere...if I could just get down and do it with her it would probably be done with...but when I tried that a bit she did it so much more so I've pulled back from that game. She hasn't been inititaing that game so much lately and part of me is so glad but a part of me feels guilty. I guess I have some inner work to do!!
 
#88 ·
Yeah. Sometimes it's way easier for me to play mommy than to play playmate, kwim? Which is all good stuff too, but I can see ds needs the kid-play too. Usually the way I get back into playing is to go all out and do some Rompus Walrus (wrestling) or something else that is impossible to be distracted from. It raises my energy level, and seems like a good dose of Play Concentrate to get us started again.

I am telling this to myself, because today I have not gotten there. I have been total Slugblob Mom. I think when there are cloudy days in winter I get really out of it--I feel drugged, like a "non-drowsy" cold medicine I took once. And I resent everyone for my inability to relate to them. I'm noticing that this is happening almost every cloudy day, unless I am actually outdoors at the time. I don't think chocolate is really the answer....
DH was a hero and wrestled with ds, and then I felt guilty because it made dh's post-surgery gums (wisdom teeth) start hurting again....
Guilt makes me even grouchier. *I* want to be the kid, and I want to spend all day in bed reading really good juvenile fantasy fiction, and ignore my mom.

And yes, mary beth, some kinds of play just push some kinds of buttons in us, and isn't it weird....

Ah, well. Awareness is the first step, right? I hope it's sunny tomorrow.
 
#89 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
I am kind of comforted to hear that you freaked out as bad as I did.
Likewise.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
I actually had learned a huge amount of stuff about myself and others in this situation. For one thing, that the fact that I was utterly human about it (complete with mean remarks to Mom that I had to call back and apologize for in three minutes) did not trigger the end of the world... in fact, it was all ok.
Yes. Indeed, yes. I'm a little embarrassed for how terribly I reacted to what was supposed to be a nice gesture, but the strong STRONG feelings I had at the time are in fact, still with me, and I can start making a case for myself in minutes, only to realize that I actually said some things to DS in that time that could have colored his relationship with Grandpa, and then I'm just making yet another case against myself. Bad mom. Bad bad bad mom! *sigh* Alas, I'm getting better at offering forgiveness to myself these days and it sounds like you had a great little mantra going there. Kudos for regaining your cool under fire. Breathe in... breathe out...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Denise K
Oooh, daily playtime....I know that's what we need, but boy am I resisting it.
Gotta tell ya, it's helping me loads. I totally get the "drugged out" feeling, and the weather does not help me either. It's 100 times muck and yuck around these parts. 24 days straight rain (it's getting better now). I just haven't been able to sit and play lately (so restless!) and I needed to do something, so I put it on the schedule like DH and I do for talks. At any rate, I'm wondering why I resisted 'playtime' for so long? Really helps me make that mental leap. At about 1:45 today, DS was all over me and then I brought him to the clock and said, when that big hand hits the 12, I'm all yours for one full hour. He let me go about finishing up chores and when the clock struck two, I tuned out the house, and tuned in DS. It's clear to see that by the mere formality of making playtime 'official,' it means a lot to him. Even given the fact that I play everday off and on throughout. And the time goes quickly. One thing that has surprised me however is that he hasn't taken me up on making rules and such. He usually just wants to play in his room, and is so delightful and polite, we play trains, puppets, pretend to be fairies--today I was "Cord, the telephone fairy." Very glamourous. I do have to be careful of blowing DS off at other times of the day however. Sometimes, because I know that he'll get "his time" at 2, I'm less sensitive to when he wants to connect earlier in the day. It's better to receive him with his cup at least 1/2 full at 2, rather than empty. Playtime doesn't have to be spent "making up."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary-Beth
and since I'm basically confessing my playful parenting challenges right now let me say I'm resisting one particular play theme too...dd1 sometimes likes to pretend she's a baby and she does the baby talk, and wants to be carried everywhere...if I could just get down and do it with her it would probably be done with...but when I tried that a bit she did it so much more so I've pulled back from that game. She hasn't been inititaing that game so much lately and part of me is so glad but a part of me feels guilty.
Oh, I hear ya. The whole year from 3 to 4 yrs old, DS was in BABY mode. Inside I knew that playing along was better, and while it might fuel it initially, in the end, it was easier and probably helpful for DS in some way. BUT... it. got. old. As in very VERY old. Somedays I would be saying to myself in my head, 'you're almost 4, just be 4. You're NOT a baby! You're not!' I never said this out loud, but I was tempted to a few times. I did have some fun with pretending to be the baby myself. DS got a kick out of it. His thing was to bring a blanket and want me to swaddle him, a 30 pound kid! It was sort of funny and we did get some giggles but was even funnier when I told him *I* wanted to be swaddled. Ever see a 30 pound kid try to swaddle his 120 pound mom? Now there's a giggle and more! Hang in there. I turn into facilitator too when I'm tapped out. One thing that helsp me loads, is getting out of the house with DS (park, errands, small road trip) for a few days and preferrably getting started early in the day, right after breakfast if possible. By the time we get home it's past noon and having had the time out and about, somehow the rest of the day seems easier, more relaxed, easier to connect and well, play.


The best and so good to have this thread up and running again. Um, sorry for all the long rambles though. I've been storing up this winter!


Em
 
#90 ·
Ditto on sorriness for long rambles, Embee, but I must've been saving up too. Here is another long one, and you can read it if you have the energy. It's a happy story.

I want to tell you this awesome thing that happened yesterday. Well, it didn't begin awesome. First my BIL got hit by a car (he is alive and reasonably well), which stressed ds out pretty bad, and dh was gone at the hosp with him, leaving me with ds. And my fog brain had resolved into a migraine, which was kind of compromising. Then Ds fell down and hit his face on the floor.

When ds gets hurt he tries REALLY hard not to show it. And when he can't help crying, he gets so freaked out by that that he completely melts down into a raging tantrum, and won't let me touch him. He had busted his lip, and he started crying, and pretty soon he was screaming at me, throwing ice all over the kitchen, tearing papers off the fridge and ripping them, hitting me, just out of control. Sobbing and screaming "I FEEL GOOD! I'M HAPPY!" I kept breathing, and trying to stay connected to how he must feel--the pain and the shame and the embarrassment--and sending him the confidence and peace I wanted him to have.... When i would say I love you, or anything whatsoever, he would get more freaked out....

After some time, he went in the hall and yelled at me to stay away, come here, stay away, etc for a while. Then he opened 2 closet doors so that they blocked the hallway, and yelled "mama, come! But don't open the doors!" So I went and sat on my side of the barrier. And I thought, hey, there's somehtign in PP about kids behind doors, what is it anyway?

So I said "well, I guess ds can't hear me because he's behind the doors." He didn't scream at me, so this seemed good. I went on to say how I really hoped I could find a way to help ds, and how I want to hug him when he's hurt but he doesn't want me to, and how I want to find a way to let him know how much I love him, and even when he's really upset I think he is as cool as a person could ever possibly be..... I guess I was praying. With an audience. I felt like the girl in the fairy tale telling her secret to the stove.

DS stayed totally silent, but he was right there. So then I remembered what the pp thing was and I started passing stuff under the door and between the doors. I didn't have a lot handy....I would say "Maybe if I send ds this really special pretty rock he will know that I think he is really special." Or "I'll put this mama doll through, to show ds I will always be his mama and always love him." And he was silent, but he passed the things back and I would say "Oh, maybe ds means he thinks I am special too," or "look, ds must've gotten my message..." And then he started getting cars and stuff out of his room and passing them thru, and I would interpret them too, and this went on for a very long time...and then he opened up the doors and came out with a big teary smile and gave me a huge hug. And then we played it some more, only he was shipping me cars to build a car museum. And then I went to cook supper, and the whole evening ds was hugging me every 5 minutes and telling me he loved me....


Talk about connection. I started with oh help, and ended up closer to ds than we've been in weeks. I think being behind the doors let him accept my love while still being in control of the situation and having privacy. Usually these storms end with him getting so exhausted by his own emotion that he finally comes and cuddles on my lap and rests, but I still can't say anything without setting him off again. This felt like he kept his power and dignity, and I was able to help him, and I got to say all this stuff that usually he doesn't have time for. I'm still just dazed from this (and from the migraine, probably). It was awesome.

I am feeling so thankful for the guidance that has come my way--other parents, you included; good authors; spiritual guides (the breathing/meditation I was doing was from Pema Chodron); my own inner wisdom; and my amazing beautiful son. Blessings to you, and to us all.
 
#91 ·
What a sweet story, Denise! Put that in his baby book!!! And, I do hope your brother in law heals and recovers well.

Thanks for the support Denise & Embee. I was a little worried that you wouldn't understand and think I was just rushing her to grow up when she wants to be a baby or something. I'm pretty aware of not ever hurrying my kids to grow up... but the baby theme can go way too far sometimes. I'm still not where I've been in terms of really playing...but I'm making sure I get in the floor without leading any activity for at least 10-15 minutes...I find myself slip though- like today I said, "want me to read you a book" I know there is nothing wrong with me reading to my kids- they love stories...but I'm avoiding just playing so that's what I'm working on figuring out.

Thanks Again!
 
#92 ·
WOW! Denise, that is an incredibly inspiring story. Kudos for you mama for hanging in there like that and "insisting on connection." Just a beautiful story and that he kept coming up to you and hugging you all evening. *sigh* No matter how "stay away" their words are, they really do appreciate when we hang in there with them. Warms my heart.

I have stuggled with that same mechanism in DS, come here, stay away, not wanting to show he's upset or hurt. And then when he really does start crying, he just FLIPS OUT. He hates to cry. He says it's because he hates when his nose gets all stuffed up and he can't breathe and I know this is part of it, but there's something more there that I don't think even he understands. I want so badly to let him know how much I care in those tough moments that I fear I'm too suffocation sometimes. Yesterday, he wiped out and hit his head on the table and he was upset, crying, yelling OUCH OUCH OUCH, and there I was running after him trying to support, to love (envision: Edith Bunker, "OH ARCHIE!), and DS says, "please just leave me alone." When I thought about it, I realized that when I get hurt like that, I need some space too at least at first so I respected that, but then later made sure to plop him on the counter, give him a hug, a kiss where he fell and tell him that I loved him, but in the moment I still struggle to find the right recipe of supportive and respectful.

My mission this week is to be completely incompetent for DS's sake. I need to seriously lose face for his benefit. I've been more than a little impatient with him the last few days. He's been super klutzy, spilling things all the time, knocking things over, he's a walking disaster (growth spurt I think), and while I'd never want him to feel bad for making such trivial mistakes, I've found my patience with cleaning up mess after mess is wearing thin. I'm so angry with myself for letting something like a spill get to me. Before now, I'd rail against anyone who would be upset with a child for such a minor offense. Last night in bed before DS went to sleep, I made a joke of myself, said: "let's get some fish and fries and bring 'em to the table but WHOAH, SPLOOSH... fries and catsup everywhere... " DS started laughing so hard so I went on, "MOMMY is soooo grumpy, fries, fish and catsup everywhere. What's HER problem. SPLOOSH!" Just super silly stuff. Anything to place a giggle where it should have gone in the first place, ya know? DS took the reigns (KER SPLOOSH, WATCH OUT FOR THE CATSUP!) and we were both laughing hysterically about the whole thing. Whew. Another disaster averted. Of course, when he spilled the apple juice all over the breakfast table this morning I had to remind myself to relax. I think it's his timing more than anything else, always when I'm sitting down to eat something hot. I do wonder when I will ever eat a truly HOT (as in not reheated) meal again.


The best,
Em
 
#93 ·
Oh, I had another epiphany about the our "official playtime." I think perhaps it's a thought that was born not only of PP, but also of Hold On To Your Kids (Neufeld) as he talks very much about satisfy the deep attachment needs of our children and that being the one true thing that matter in helping them mature, etc.

At any rate, I've had found our playtimes to be so low key, easy and fun. The time flies, DS is a dear and overall, it's positively effected the rest of our days both before and afterward. My theory is that when it's official, he doesn't have to spend one ounce of energy in getting (and more importantly in my case, KEEPING), my attention. When he knows he's got me and I won't allow myself to get distracted or pulled away as I often do, he can totally relax and play the way he should. And this spills over into the bigger part of life of truly maturing and growing up. In the past week, there has been more growth in DS than I've seen in awhile.

Just my .02 for what it's worth.


The best,
Em

P.S. Hang in there Mary-Beth. I go through times when I just can't bring myself to play. I still can't figure out the difference between those times and when things are going well. When I'm playing and doing well, I ask myself why it's so hard sometimes and that I'd do well to remind myself of this moment when the going gets tough. However, when I can't make the mental leap later on, reminding myself of the "good times" rarely does any good. Still trying to figure it out myself. I think that was one of main reasons for the special playtime, that way I'm committed and sometimes the committment itself is enough to help me make the leap. That and knowing that it will have a positive effect on the relationship and make our day to day relations easier... alterior motives I suppose one could say.
 
#94 ·
Well you will all be proud of me because I got on the floor and played with my dd today!! I decided to let her take the lead and I had to keep from "teaching." She suggested dress up- a game she hardly ever plays- and it was strange for me at first because I kept thinking we were dressing up as someone (king, angel, etc.) and that I was supposed to act something out in character. That's how I would play it. But she just wanted to put some dress up stuff on....look in the mirror and at each other...and explore the materials on a more sensory level...feel the beads, the fabrics, etc. So there was no story and it felt at first like we weren't doing anything. Then I just let myself play how she wanted to play it and I was able to just do that with her and it was great.

After about 40 minutes I did suggest an activity that was related to what she was talking about...dd was very receptive and had fun.

I'm excited! I want to keep making a point of setting aside some time to get on the floor and following her lead!
 
#95 ·
Hooray, Mary Beth! I will take you both as an inspiration--I am resisting the regular playtimes....it's hard for me to be that organized, and all our days of the week are different, etc etc...but really I think I'm just scared of being sucked into the Cars Vortex and never being seen again
OK, tomorrow we will have an official playtime, and then I will commit to playtime with ds every day I'm with him, and we'll just set the schedule in the morning as soon as we have breakfast in us and are done being cranky. Maybe a regular time will emerge, or maybe it will change from day to day. I hereby make this commitment, and you are my witnesses. (And when I later backslide, I will forgive myself and start again....)

Ds has really been changing a lot too--I feel like he's just matured a step suddenly. Since the stomach flu, weirdly. He played with his buddy yesterday for about 2 hours straight, without ANY adult input. They had a giant pile of dirt, which helped. They had a den of coyotes in it, and a train, and I don't know whatall--It made sense to them. I heard them working out conflicts, and just feeding off each others' imagination. It was good to see. It made me think about how great this friendship is for him, and how worth-it it is to keep helping these wild intense boys grow together and learn from each other.

And I think I have been shifting--I am getting the thing (um, probably from Becky Bailey is where I got it) about attributing positive intent, and you know it makes a huge difference. Huge. Was it you, Embee, who gave me the phrase, "we're the moms, we make the weather"? Exactly.
 
#96 ·
I just caught up with the PP thread. What amazing posts. As usual you mamas have inspired me. Lately I haven't been playing with my dd at all. She's been playing a lot with her friends lately and I always make an excuse saying that she can play with her friends, I don't need to play those games with her. My husband without even reading the book is a big player. He plays crazy silly games and she laughs her head off. Lately I've been listening to the giggles and lamenting"she doesn't do that with me."
I've been trying to be more organized and get out of the house for an organized activity or clean the house. I see that maybe shift my priorities. Whey we did PP dd was having a lot of issues. Now the storm is over but I think I should try and fit into 15 minutes into our day of PP.
 
#97 ·
Denise,

Just wanted to tell you that I thought of you today! DS has been rough around the edges/super sensitive boy the last few days. Today, we just had a very off day--everything a challenge and oh so negative. I sense we're still having issues with him feeling competent. I've been strained and perhaps micro-managing and at the same time, DS is wanting to do more and more for himself and in the process, getting hurt, breaking things, etc. I want to keep him safe, but also empower him. A real balancing act. It got to the point today where everything he tried to do was a bust... seemingly the attitude he brought to things was his biggest obstacle. But it never ceases to amaze me what little effort made on something seemingly "no big deal" can do to change the tone of things.

Today, we were outside (for the few minutes it didn't feel like a monsoon). I was pulling up some sod for our garden (our project du jour), and DS was just sort of going from one thing to another. He's definitely not very focused right now. At any rate, he begged me to set up the croquet about which I whined. He has a real habit of getting me to set it all up and then losing interest. So I told him to practice hitting the ball and I'd go back to my work awhile. Things then fell apart quickly as he struggled and struggled. I was grumpy and impatient and started giving him all sorts of (micro-managy) tips which just made him feel worse and heading for a meltdown. And then you popped into my head. I remembered the story you told of another family member playing ball with your DS and things really starting to melt and then you stepped in, played the baffoon, got him laughing and playing ball more competently than ever. So I stopped working, started playing, and NOT hitting the ball. Missing every time, or whacking it way out and all over the place meanwhile, my arms and legs are flailing... DS is of course laughing away and giving me tips for how to play better.

The kicker was that I'm always surprised at how "in the know" DS is about these things. DH walked out back to say hello and DS says to him, "Hi Daddy! We're playing croquet. I couldn't hit the ball and was getting angry, but now I'm telling mommy how to do it because she's pretending to be me." At first, I was worried that DS thought I was making fun of him, but the way things were going there is no chance of that. We were having a great time and DS LOVED telling me how to play, all the time laughing away. It's clear he totally "gets" what I'm doing, but simply appreciates that I'm able to play at losing face for his own gain. At one point, I accidentally bopped his head with the mallet (not hard but still), and I said, "Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry." To which DS replied, "It's okay. No problem." If that had happened just 20 minutes before, he would have come at me with a vengence. Ah, it's all about the relationship! If it's connected, all is well. If it's not. Watch out!


I'm so grateful for such a thread that I could access some great advice in the heat of the moment. A real life-saver today! Thanks Denise!

The best,
Em
 
#98 ·
Thanks, Embee. It's nice to know my good moments sometimes get double mileage!

I feel like I am living with the Amazing Idea Machine. Ds is just exploding with ideas, and he never stops talkign, except (sometimes) when his mouth is full of pacifier or he's asleep. It's exhilirating, exhausting, satisfying, and interesting.

I am still working on official playtimes. Our varied schedule makes it hard...but I am trying now to not have to schedule it ahead, just commit to a time sometime in the day. And if it is getting weird, I can say "OK, in half an hour we will have playtime," or "When I come back from my meeting I will play with you for an hour." And that helps. It's so hard (whine whine) to get into driving trucks around. But more fun if I get more engaged. DS rarely gives me explicit instructions (or at least not interesting ones): he says "Mama, you're Pascal. Drive this truck to Chicago." But if I am paying attention, I will remember that Pascal is a train driver, and so Pascal may be pretty much doomed because he doesn't know about steering wheels. So I can have more fun. ("More fun" to me seems to involve a lot of wailing and disaster and drama. I mean, what is fun about driving to Chicago? And drama requires more involvement, so I don't go to sleep.
) We play very argumentatively sometimes--I get fired several times a day--and ds seems to enjoy it.

Anyway, I start to flake out on playtime and then I remember I told you guys I would do it....


Embee, remind me never to live wherever you live. 24 days of rain would have me in a fetal position among the shoes at the bottom of the closet. I am awed that you function at all.
 
#99 ·
Can I join you all? This is a very inspiring thread. I started reading the book a while ago, got very inspired, then lent it to a friend. Her life has been transformed by it, and meanwhile I've totally lost it and overall am feeling like a pretty crappy mother. Very stressed, bad living situation, a clingy and needy 11 month old, and almost non-stop illness all winter. Oh, and some S.A.D; Denise I hear you on the grey skies/cloudy day thing. SlugBlob Mom is an absolutely perfect description of me today! We haven't seen the sky/sun in a week!

I can also relate on the need for aggressive play. DS has had some pent up aggression since DD came along and really needs to get it out in a positive way. Also sad to say he has seen me pretty angry lately (burnt out and resentful of our situation - complicated story but hopefully soon about to change). I think really he needs to get angry at me and feel safe expressing that but instead it comes out at preschool, which probably feels a safer place for him to get out.

Anyway, yesterday I was kneeling on the floor, and randomly a big pillow was right next to my knees making it look like the bottom half of my legs was under the pillow. DS took one look and jumped on top of the pillow. I reacted with "OUCH!" (even though my legs weren't under there). Let him do it a few times before revealing the big trick. He was so thrilled by it and then had me play it over and over again, saying ouch each time. It was a great release for him, and for me too, and nobody got hurt!

Anways, that was an accidental play moment but I really need some motivation/energy in structured play. Since having a 2nd child I feel like I have zero energy for that, but I also feel my connection with DS is precarious since then which makes me very sad.
 
#100 ·
:
Another PP newbie here!
I just finished the book and although my baby is only 3 months old, I can see how it will help guide my parenting. A lot of what I read was what I knew or felt instinctually but Cohen helped put words to it and give specifics. I
that man!


It's also one of the few parenting books I think DH will read. He will be drawn in by the idea of "playing" (something I think he is pretty comfortable with) but I think the themes of attachment, connection isntead of punishment, etc. will surprise him a little. Even though he is on board with GD, I think hearing it in terms of play will drive it home for him, ykim?

Right now I am thinking a lot about what Cohen says about babies and allowing them to fully feel. I don't want to communicate to DD that her feelings can't be fully expressed (something that I stuggle with and fear projecting on to her). I am trying to be more aware about the words I choose when comforting DD when she cries. Instead of "You're ok" and "Don't cry" I am replacing with just "ok" and "I know. You must be hungry/wet/tired" and "Mama's here." (All the while, still meeting her needs of course). It's a balance to work to find out & remedy what is causing the feelings while still acknowledging them and letting her express them. I know she's still so young for most of PP, but I want to start the patterns now, yk?

Well, enough rambling! Looking forward to hearing more about PP from everyone.
 
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