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Originally Posted by Denise K
Oh, Embee, I am so inspired by your observations about what yoru ds is doing with what kinds of play--that's so interesting, it makes me want to watch ds closer. I have been feeling kinda baffled by his play since Xmas--the new train, new etc etc has led I think to more play that is about discovering the toys, and he hasn't gotten into branching out with his ideas yet. I have been doing some chase-wrestle play with him and his buddy together, though, and that works so well I don't know why I forget to do it. (Works well would mean that ds doesn't do as much assault and battery during the playdate...)
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Today, after breakfast, DS bundled up and went out to his sandbox, his universal sign for: I'm feeling rather independent today. I haven't been in the house alone for ages. It was very VERY strange. And nice.
Here, here on the wrestling with two... I've also had success with "putting them on the same side" against me when they're fighting a lot. Hide and tell them to come find me or act like a dolt, or stupid about something and have them jump in and correct me, etc. Very helpful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denise K
OK, here is a long story, which you can skip if you want--but I have to tell you, back in early Dec. I had a total freakout here because a friend of my dad's gave ds an O scale electric train--track oval about 5 feet by 3 feet, engine and 3 cars each about 10 inches long--without asking us. It was one of those big family messes, where I was trying to be perfect while flipping my lid. Not fun. I thought I was freaked because we were planning to give ds the wooden train set for xmas and felt like our gift was trashed (and his room was full), but even more than that it was feeling like my dad and this guy we hardly know were taking my imaginative *little* boy and giving him big boy toys...I hate electric trains. They bore me to tears. I was feeling like my little guy was being stolen by these men, and pulled too fast into the totally foreign world of boy-only play....I did not figure this out till later, but you can imagine where my intensity level was, given that this is what it was about for me.... Then my BIL gave ds more cars for the small electric train set dh has, so at one point after xmas we had 2 electric trains running in his room!!!! --BUT we ordered the wooden one anyway, and just before xmas he was saying "What I want for a present is a wooden train set like Keegan's, that you can PUSH, only with diesel engines, like the Santa Fe and CSX and Amtrak"--which is precisely what we and other (cooperative) relatives had ordered
. And now, happy ending (ha--nothing is an ending), he loves his wooden trains, and he loves his electric trains but is happy keeping them in a box where they won't get stepped on or have to be shared. Shortly afterwards, I started reading Real Boys and have been feeling saner.
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Whoah. I was reading your story and was amazed by the similarity of a situation that happened with us about a year and a half ago. Did I write about this maybe? At any rate, DH and I had been accumulating (on the sly) these beautiful old Thomas Trains that they no longer make (die-cast, metal engines with a special track). We'd gotten DS a starter kit and had been searching the internet for inexpensive engines to go with it, and perhaps some track. It was the most we'd spent on any toy so far, about 75-80 bucks so it was a big deal for us. He already had his wooden train, basic--just tracks and a little train, and loved them and we thought the Thomas train set would be fun for him as something a little different. We were excited because we knew DS would be OVER THE MOON about them. And then FIL, with the best of intentions found an O-Scale train, complete with track, same size you mentioned, engine, tender, cars, caboose, the works. The kicker was that he found it at a garage sale and "fixed it up." In other words, it only "mostly" worked. I. WAS. LIVID.
LIVID! FIL didn't clear this with us. This thing was BIG (as you well know) and we have a TINY house. Not ok IMO. Plus, it was only "mostly working." DS was 3 1/2 at the time. Talk about frustration levels (his and mine everytime it jumped the not so perfect track), or failed to work at all. It was major eye candy for DS. He was "over the moon" about it and that made the frustration about the whole thing even worse. I was caught between being livid with FIL and heartbroken for DS. Add to that, DH has been planning for the longest time when DS was older, perhaps 7 or 8 to build an HO scale train,
together. This felt over the top to say the least. This little "surprise" was popped on us on Fathers Day, a family gathering. What could I say? FIL was trying to be sweet and I love him for it, but but but... My SIL was so cute, she came out to greet me at our car to warn me about what was awaiting DS in the living room. She
knew. FIL, clueless. At any rate, I let this get to me for days and days and days... and days. Turned into weeks, perhaps months. I was mad that he would get something so huge and age inappropriate, not to mention LOUD! And then that we had already been planning to surprise DS for Christmas with what now felt like the puny little trains we'd gotten him. I like electric trains, but only if DS is VERY interested when he's OLDER, and to be a joint project with DH. DS was already so happy to have trains to push and manipulate himself, I was angry he was given something to watch. It got so that when DS asked to put the big train up, my blood would boil. I had a very hard time keeping my cool about it. And the moment it jumped track and DS would get upset, I'd cringe and look at DH and say, he's YOUR father. You fix it! This is not my usual personality so this thing REALLY got to me. Needless to say by now, I feel your pain, Denise.
Fast forward. I got over it, albeit slowly. Over the next year, the train finally died completely and DH decided he wasn't going to take it apart again or fix the track one more time. The track was trashed, and we kept the train which is now part of the decor of DS's room. Sometime later, I did find a very small, battery operated train at the Goodwill for $5 in excellent condition which DS appreciated very much. DH made a train table for it and DS enjoys it, but mostly because he likes to build "scenes" around it. At Christmas time most of my ornaments, not to mention a string of lights, ceramic Christmas houses, snow, etc. were all in "train room." He doesn't even like to run it, prefers to "observe it." When people ask him to turn it on, he rarely obliges. When we first got it, it was on for several days on end, but once he was over it, it became mostly about viewing. OTOH, he still plays with his Thomas set (which he was thrilled about, whew!) and his Brio all the time. Sets them up over and over again on the living room floor, makes "scenes" and... also PLAYS with them for hours.
We never said anything to FIL, and even at the time, I tried hard NOT to be angry but it was work, I admit. FIL is lovely, but I prefer when he sticks to things like art supplies and gift certificates.
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Originally Posted by Denise K
Mangomamma, I can relate to the relief about solitary play--and I have found that if I don't stay in the habit of regularly playing with ds even when he's being more independent, I get "spoiled"
and it's really hard to start again when he needs my company more. I'm going to try to remember that, though independent play seems a foggy distant memory right now....
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Yes, I totally get this. Me too, meeeee tooo. With that, I am finally embracing the wisdom of a regularly sceduled daily "playtime" for DS and I. I didn't feel the "need" for it before, we played in and out all day, but I think having a time DS can count on is helpful, and even more, I feel like having it on the schedule helps me switch gears and "know my place" for that hour. In play on and off throughout the day, I allow myself to be distracted with anything and everything if I'm not careful. The scheduled hour keeps me honest, it really does. (Ahem, I did happen to schedule it however from 2-3pm, knowing the kitchen timer will go off at 3 when DS likes to watch his program on PBS. Figured it would make a decent segue and I could start prepping the dinner stuff, finish chores, etc.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Denise K
I've been encouraging the men in his life to talk to him about their fears and sadnesses and when they were kids and got hurt and cried, just so he's got more stories helping him out.
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Excellent idea! I will do the same!
Sorry, talk about long. I've had A LOT on my mind about all of this lately. I guess because I've been re-reading the book again. I've taken to going through and highlighting all my favorite play ideas!
The best,
Em