Son threatened again! WWYD?? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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salaam

a little while ago, i posted about an 8 year old boy that told my 5 year old son that he was going to "kick his ass". this is after a multitude of other things, most of them mean, but none of them threatening until that point. i told the kid i would speak to his mother if he bothered my son again.

this morning, i found a note on my doorstep that says "adam is a samde", with a picture of a grave with "samde adam" written on it and a picture of a skull and crossbones. i don't know what samde means, i assume it's either a made up word or that it's another language (this kid and his family are ukrainian and speak another language other than english at home).

i am really upset about this... my son is only five and he doesn't understand why anyone would want to hurt him (he doesn't know about the note). it really bothers me that this sort of thing is going on... i want my son to just enjoy being a little kid, and i don't feel like he should have to worry about bullies at such a tender age.
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#2 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 01:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomiEilis
salaam

a little while ago, i posted about an 8 year old boy that told my 5 year old son that he was going to "kick his ass". this is after a multitude of other things, most of them mean, but none of them threatening until that point. i told the kid i would speak to his mother if he bothered my son again.

this morning, i found a note on my doorstep that says "adam is a samde", with a picture of a grave with "samde adam" written on it and a picture of a skull and crossbones. i don't know what samde means, i assume it's either a made up word or that it's another language (this kid and his family are ukrainian and speak another language other than english at home).

i am really upset about this... my son is only five and he doesn't understand why anyone would want to hurt him (he doesn't know about the note). it really bothers me that this sort of thing is going on... i want my son to just enjoy being a little kid, and i don't feel like he should have to worry about bullies at such a tender age.

Yikes scary! I am not sure what I would do. Have you talked to the boy's parents yet? If his parents aren't receptive, you could tell the school if the kids go to the same school... they usually have a zero tolerance policy on bullying.

If the threatening notes continue, while it sounds drastic, you could get the police involved. Maybe all this kid needs is a "friendly" talk from Mr. Policeman to remind him what he is doing is wrong.

Mama to my spirited J, and L, my homebirth: baby especially DTaP, MMR (family vax injuries)
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#3 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my son doesn't go to school, he is homeschooled. i am afraid that this might have something to do with it... i don't let adam run around and play outside unsupervised. this kid does all the time. when he first moved in, he came over almost every day to play with adam, which is nice and all... but he was always very rude and manipulative and even tried to steal some of adam's toys. or he would encourage adam to defy me, for example i would tell adam it was time to go in for dinner and this kid would say "no, it's not time to go in, adam you don't have to eat dinner if you don't want to." :

eventually he started playing tricks on adam, inviting him outside and then ditching him, whispering about him to other kids and whatnot. adam's feelings were VERY hurt and we explained to him how real friends treat each other with love and kindness, etc... *sigh*

i worry because i was teased all through school, and it had a really serious impact on my self esteem (particularly once i got into my teens)... that's part of the reason i wanted to homeschool. we've never had any problems with the homeschooled kids he plays with, and adam has a lot of good friends... just not in our apartment complex.
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#4 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 01:55 PM
 
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I am fortunate that the moms in my neighborhood know each other well. From my perspective I wouldn't let my kids play with other neighborhood kids unless I knew the mom well enough to talk with her about these type of things. So first I would talk to the mother calmly and try to resolove the problem. You have the right to take this to the police but, it would be better to go though the mother first.
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#5 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 04:28 PM
 
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My ds is almost 4. He is very passive and pleasant and I always worry that something like this will happen to him. Seems the nice kids get picked on. 4 is an early age, but ds is learning to be firm but nice when an unpleasant child approaches him.

I happen to be a mom/person with zero tolerance for the kind of behavior this child is inflicting on your son. Sure, the boy obviously has issues and I'm sure it has to do w/his home life. If it were I, I would most definately have a very firm but nice chat w/his parents and stress to them that this is unacceptable and frightening behavior and that it will stop. I would show them the letter and ask for an explanation of the term "samde adam." Fortunately for me, I have a number of nearby relatives that are in law enforcement and would not hesitate to show them the letter. It's sad, but these days, as you know, so many children are neglected and have become volatile and I'm not one to take chances where my ds is concerned. I'd keep a log of all the incidents, small and large. Hopefully this boy, who is still just a baby really, will not grow up to be mean and spiteful...or worse. He may be jealous of the fact that you have a loving and stable home w/structure and guidance and wishes he had it too. Kids show emotion in strange ways. Dunno, just a thought. HTH
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#6 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thankyou everyone.

i'm going to have a chat with the mom at the next opportunity. the verbal threat happened two weeks ago, i know because i posted about it that very day. (yay mdc!) i will bring the letter to show the mom, but i do not intend to let her keep it. (i want it to keep a record in case i have to go to the police eventually.)

i feel bad for the kid, i know he has some issues. part of me wants to work out something with the mom and the kid, but i really am resistant to the idea because his attitude has been such a problem from the very beginning. there was a time where he wanted adam to come out and play, but in retrospect, i think it had more to do with adam's toys than adam as a person. on the other hand, i am tempted to try to work something out because the kid lives a few doors down in our complex... i don't want the problem to escalate, but i also don't really think my son needs a friend like him.
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#7 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 06:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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btw... i feel totally sick to my stomach about having to confront this mama about this. i can't imagine it would be an easy thing to be in her shoes at that moment.

any advice on how i should approach her??
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#8 of 19 Old 10-04-2005, 07:16 PM
 
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How bout just starting with "By the way, I found this note on my doorstep the other day. Do you have any idea what it could mean? I thought maybe it might be a note from your ds to mine but I dont know what this word "samde" means?" "I knew they werent getting along because a couple of weeks ago I remember that your ds did tell my ds he was going to "kick his ass", but I had figured it would have blown over by now" "what do you think?" "what does this word mean"
I think if you start out by focusing on the note and not the child, you are on easier ground because you are not attacking her son and she has no reason to feel defensive, just mutually curious.
good luck
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#9 of 19 Old 10-06-2005, 10:35 AM
 
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#10 of 19 Old 10-06-2005, 11:08 AM
 
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Lisa, I've been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of days. Any update?
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#11 of 19 Old 10-06-2005, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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nothing yet... mom wasn't home during the day when i was yesterday.

though, the kid came riding by with two other kids yesterday. the other kids said "hi adam!" and waved... the mean kid started telling adam something like "they don't like you they're not your friends", and the kids looked at him and said "that's not true, adam is our friend". that made adam feel really good, even more so when they came by later to play soccer outside.

i think i am going to make a photocopy of the note before i talk to her. i don't want to end up losing the original when i show it to her. i was thinking of writing her a note and leaving it in her box, and she doesn't seem to be home a lot of the time. or do you think i should wait till i can speak to her in person? on the one hand, i want to deal with this face to face, but on the other hand i think it would give her an opportunity to deal with it without having to get defensive.
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#12 of 19 Old 10-06-2005, 02:45 PM
 
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I think leaving a note for her in her mailbox would be a good idea. I assume the 8 yr old isn't too interested in mail and hopefully won't find the note, kwim? After the last post you made it seems this boys' hatred is directed at Adam and not any other kids. Hmmm. The sooner this is dealt with the better. No one deserves to be uncomforatble in their own home/neighborhood. Is there a father around? I'm sorry you're having to deal ww/this. Here to support you!!

PP...thx for the links!
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#13 of 19 Old 10-06-2005, 03:01 PM
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In my experience-I just went over and knocked on the door and introduced myself. I told the mother that I was so-and-so's mother and our children played together. I said they were getting along really well and I really enjoyed your child's company. Recently though, your child has been threatening mine and I was wondering if we could talk about it and see if there is a solution we could work out as parents to create a safe community for our children.

She was a lot more receptive when I included the safety and concern for her child as well as mine and others.
It turned out that some older children were bullying her child and then her child was turning around and doing the same with the smaller kids.

We ended up visiting her place a few times and when her child saw that the adults all got along and that we did not like our children being bullied and we were there for them to keep them safe, things changed.

ok...gotta run
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#14 of 19 Old 10-07-2005, 11:50 AM
 
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I hope it goes well

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
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#15 of 19 Old 10-07-2005, 03:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomiEilis
i don't know what samde means, i assume it's either a made up word or that it's another language (this kid and his family are ukrainian and speak another language other than english at home).
I am Ukrainian and speak Ukrainian and Russian. "Samde" is not a real word in either of those languages.

Good luck with a situation - keep us posted!
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#16 of 19 Old 10-13-2005, 11:41 PM
 
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You need to find a 10 year old to go that 8 year old boys house and tell him if he does any thing to your daugter he will get beat up. Any nephews or cousins you can borrow?

This happened to our cousin, and that is what we did - worked like a charm - the bully never did anything again.
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#17 of 19 Old 10-14-2005, 10:40 PM
 
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Honestly, I'd call the police. No If, Ands or Buts, about it. That is a threat, and there is no way on this planet that I'd allow it to go on without having some serious authority involved.

It sounds like the other boy needs some attention, some dicipline, and a promise that he's being watched by those around him. I would not take a threat on the life of my child sitting down.
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#18 of 19 Old 10-15-2005, 02:58 AM
 
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I believe that I would speak to the parents at the point that the "kick your ass" statement was made. At this point, it's escalated to a death threat (at least that's how I interpret the strange message with the grave and skull/crossbones picture). I think that I would certainly speak to the parents, and if not 100% satisfied with their response, I would also involve the authorities. I would let the parents know that their child is not to come anywhere near my child, and that I will be involving the police if he does (I sure wouldn't care if the child or parents were embarrassed by this), because of the death threat.

Please let us know what's happening.
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#19 of 19 Old 10-18-2005, 12:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kater07
Honestly, I'd call the police. That is a threat, and there is no way on this planet that I'd allow it to go on without having some serious authority involved.
AS I said earlier, we handled it by getting an older boy to threaten the bully and it worked..... but that was years ago when police did not get involved in kids fights.

These days, even children are prosecuted and parents are sued.

Calling the police, and an attorney, might make his parents actually do something. The reason I say get an attorney, is that if the police hesitate in issuing a PPO on an 8 year old , the attorney could force/require the police to issue a PPO.

I wonder? Is there an age limit to get a PPO? (I never heard that there was any age limit when seeking a PPO)

If you still have that note, get an attorney and have a PPO filed, and then, if that boy does anything ever again, sue his parents for a few hundred thousand dollars --- that will get their attention!!!

Just the fact of the police coming to the parents of that boys house an handing them a PPO should shock them into doing something.
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