Things we don't say to our children - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 12:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I got this idea from someone's blog (remaining anonymous because I haven't asked THEM if it's ok : )

What are some things you (or your dp) do NOT want to say to your children, in your house or out and about:

I'll start with CLEAN YOUR ROOM

Mama to B and O , wife to J and me to me! :
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#2 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 12:34 AM
 
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We never say "naughty", we say "done the wrong thing" or "behaved innappropriately" or something similar. We've always used the words appropriate/innappropriate so she completely understands what we mean (she is 4.5 yrs old).

My mother always used to say "Well! You never know what you'll find until you look for things!!" in a really really sarcastic voice ... so I never say that. In fact I try not to be sarcastic or mean in any way, because that is how my parents spoke to me and I hated it.
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#3 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 12:34 AM
 
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"Clean your plate!" or "You have to eat your vegetables before dessert!"

treehugger.gifAutistic pagan mama with five kiddos on the spectrum, learning through living life. autismribbon.gif  computergeek2.gif

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#4 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 12:38 AM
 
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I tell my kids to clean their rooms. I just don't tell them to clean it or I will beat their A**. Actually that I will beat your a**. Or "Go get me a belt." Well unless they are going to wear it. LOL
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#5 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 01:15 AM
 
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" because I said so" : My mom used to say that to me all the time or "because I'm the parent thats why"
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#6 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 01:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3ncountin
" because I said so" : My mom used to say that to me all the time or "because I'm the parent thats why"
Omg, do we have the same mom? Ugh.
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#7 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 04:14 AM
 
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how bout
"Eat your dinner or your will be having it for breakfast".
Dh still remembers those days from his childhood.
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#8 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 06:57 AM
 
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my dad always used ti say "do as i say not as i do" when i would point out that he was doing stuff he told me not to do... i NEVER want to say that when i have kids

*~*Ashley*~* newly single mama to Tristan 10/01/2007
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#9 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 07:28 AM
 
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Hmm, there are several I think.

We don't say:
Clean your room (Well, I tell Ds if I think his is scary dirty, but it's not my thing lol)
Because I am the parent...that's why.
No dessert until after dinner.
One more bite
Do your homework
Do your chores
You aren't leaving the house wearing that...


And the list goes on and on I am sure.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#10 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 11:12 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3ncountin
" because I said so" : My mom used to say that to me all the time or "because I'm the parent thats why"

Not only did my mom say that too, but she actively encourages ME to say them!!! gross

Sandy, proud mama and henna artist. :
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#11 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 12:33 PM
 
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Quote:
how bout
"Eat your dinner or your will be having it for breakfast".
Dh still remembers those days from his childhood
:

awww! yes, we had this too. For the "because I'm the parent, that's why" thing:
I realize that is bullcrap. That's not productive at all! it makes me giggle sometimes, especially when I think back on all the we did. This is what I say to dd: "I'm not asking you to because I want to be mean to you, I'm asking because I want to make sure you are safe/clean/happy/loved and this is me showing my love for you" etc. Something clicks in her when I say it. She feels validated and we move on from there
I'm thankful for my mother in that she sees my approaches and praises me for their ingenuity, and wishes she had thought of them when she was raising us.

~Sara, WAHSingMomi to girls R and AV, S.O.A.R. Scout Leader and Homeschooling In Detroit Blogger

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#12 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SunRayeMomi
:
"I'm not asking you to because I want to be mean to you, I'm asking because I want to make sure you are safe/clean/happy/loved and this is me showing my love for you" etc. Something clicks in her when I say it. She feels validated and we move on from there

I try this too, however lately dd (almost 6 now) will come back, "that isn't what I mean, I want a REASON". If there is a reason that I can articulate simply, I will tell her it. Sometimes that doesn't work and I have resorted to "I have tried my best to give you a reason, but really I am the mom and this is a decision I have made" which to me sounds a lot like "because I am the parent and I said so". I never wanted to let it go to that, but sometimes it really is just a decision. It is rare though.

Amy

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#13 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 01:12 PM
 
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I hate you.
You're bugging me.
Why did I ever HAVE kids?
clean your plate or you will sit here until midnight.
because I said so.
Are you stupid or something?
You can't...

and God help me, I will not mimic my children in a snotty tone of voice - belittling them with their own feelings or words.

I do ask my daughter to please clean her room, but she is a tidy little person who likes things in order - it would be different I am sure if it was a battle.
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#14 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 01:37 PM
 
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Last night I picked up dd from her father's house (he doesn't parent her). He said, "put on your coat, it's cold out" she already had on a warm hoodie, so she refused the coat. He insisted. she refused again. and so on for a minute or two. There was a room full of people there, so I didn't want to get into my parenting ethics with him and the way WE do it, so I just said, "If she gets cold when we get outside, she'll be glad to know she has the coat as an option" and that was that. why the struggle, buddy? She knows you're her dad, you don't have to convince her that you're her boss too! she typically is rather hot-blooded and needs little clothing to be comfortable, even in winter, but he wouldn't know that because he doesn't know her that well....

~Sara, WAHSingMomi to girls R and AV, S.O.A.R. Scout Leader and Homeschooling In Detroit Blogger

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#15 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 04:52 PM
 
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Have to add:

"What's wrong with you?"
"How many times do I have to tell you...?"
"Why can't you...?"

Hearing stuff like this just makes growing up SO much fun.

fizzymom and the clan
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#16 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 05:16 PM
 
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"Don't talk so dumb (or stupid, or crazy, etc.)" - just because we have different opinions

Lisa, mom to M : 6/02, R : 6/04, m/c 6/8/05, L 6/06, and E 8/07
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#17 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 05:17 PM
 
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: Wow, I've said a few of these things....especially the "one more bite" just cause he's a picky eater, but if he says no on the first "one more bite" I just make sure he's sure and take the plate away.

I got my dinnner cold in the morning for breakfast when I didn't finish it

I really have to watch what I say...
My dh also..he calls me a looser sometimes..sarcastically..and ds I think is picking it up, I think its time for a talk :

Mom to Ds1 (8 1/2) Ds2 (6) Dd (2 1/2)!!!!
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#18 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 05:57 PM
 
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"No dessert until you finish all your dinner"

We don't usually have dessert, but even if we did I wouldn't say it. Not that this stops any of my in-laws from saying it to dd at every family dinner : .

~ Meredith, mom to dd(Jan '02), ds1(May '04) and ds2 (June '07) ~ :
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#19 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 06:20 PM
 
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"Oh, it's broken...", when it's really not broken at all, rather the adult no longer wants the child to use it. Not only is it a lie, it's just incredibly insulting to the kid.
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#20 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 06:36 PM
 
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"You're so stupid it's not funny"
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#21 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 06:50 PM
 
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um, what precisely is wrong with encouraging a child to eat a few more bites?
My daughter, four, is NOT good at approximating how much food she requires some days and letting her simply get up from the table without eating more than three mouthfuls does NOT do anything except guarantee that she will be back in five minutes telling me she's hungry.

I also tell my children if their behaviour is naughty. I feel that it is much better than telling them they are bad. Tell me why defining behaviour as naughty is wrong?
I'm not saying they are naughty. I am not saying they are terrible, I'm identifiying their behaviour as naughty, which sometimes, frankly, it is.

We do not do 'because I said so' but occasionally I have been known to explain that sometimes mommys know better than children who are four about what is appropriate/polite/acceptable in certain situations (especially complicated social ones)

I would never say 'what's wrong with you?" but I would ask an intelligent child 'why aren't you listening to what mommy is saying today? Is there something we need to talk about?"
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#22 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 07:11 PM
 
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"I'll repeat it again for the dumb ones" (when explaining homework)

Care to guess where I got it from?
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#23 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 07:12 PM
 
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I never want to tell her she's a bad girl. That just drives me up the wall to hear people say "no no, bad girl" I react very severely when other people say that to my child.
I also don't want to say things just to prove I'm bigger and in control. I'd rather give her a valid reason.
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#24 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 07:32 PM
 
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"You'll be the death of me"
"Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about"
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#25 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 08:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndiG
um, what precisely is wrong with encouraging a child to eat a few more bites?
For me? I think it's wrong because it teaches children that they can't really know when to be done eating, and that they must rely on someone else to decide for them. Instead of them recognizing and understanding that feeling of "Okay, I've had enough and do not want to eat this anymore." they learn not to trust that feeling because someone is saying "One more bite" "Just two more bites and then you'll be done." It's just not kind, or useful IMO and can come back to bite someone in the booty later when an older child/teen/adult isn't sure if they are full or should eat "more bites" just because or if they should trust themselves about other things regarding their body and comfort. Food issues last a long time. It's just my opinion though, and I understand other people do what they feel is best.

Quote:
My daughter, four, is NOT good at approximating how much food she requires some days and letting her simply get up from the table without eating more than three mouthfuls does NOT do anything except guarantee that she will be back in five minutes telling me she's hungry.
In that case I would just make sure there was a plate of food/snack available for her as she needs and/or wants it. I would just say "Okay, well lets stick the rest of your lunch in a container in the fridge and you can help yourself to it later if you want it." Or "If you are done for now let's just leave the crackers and oranges on the table for a bit in case you get hungry again." Heck at 29 I am not always terrific at approximating how much of something I need either This way the child is still in control of when she is eating and when she is full, but the food remains available.

Quote:
I also tell my children if their behaviour is naughty. I feel that it is much better than telling them they are bad. Tell me why defining behaviour as naughty is wrong?

Again for me, because it's not helpful. If my child is having a problem we discuss it without the label. "I noticed you seem to be angry/upset/frustrated. Is that why you threw the book? Would you like to talk about it? Sometimes I feel like throwing things too." etc.

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#26 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 08:59 PM
 
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"Good girl!" "Bad girl!" (My parents said both of these to DD on a recent visit--sigh.)
"Give Relative X a kiss! Come on! Don't be shy!"
"You may not leave the table till you finish your _____."

Er, I think I swore I'd never tell a kid who was freaking out, "You're just tired," but uh, I'm pretty sure I've done that.

grateful mother to DD, 1/04, and DS, 2/08

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#27 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 09:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa
For me? I think it's wrong because it teaches children that they can't really know when to be done eating, and that they must rely on someone else to decide for them. Instead of them recognizing and understanding that feeling of "Okay, I've had enough and do not want to eat this anymore." they learn not to trust that feeling because someone is saying "One more bite" "Just two more bites and then you'll be done." It's just not kind, or useful IMO and can come back to bite someone in the booty later when an older child/teen/adult isn't sure if they are full or should eat "more bites" just because or if they should trust themselves about other things regarding their body and comfort. Food issues last a long time. It's just my opinion though, and I understand other people do what they feel is best.


In that case I would just make sure there was a plate of food/snack available for her as she needs and/or wants it. I would just say "Okay, well lets stick the rest of your lunch in a container in the fridge and you can help yourself to it later if you want it." Or "If you are done for now let's just leave the crackers and oranges on the table for a bit in case you get hungry again." Heck at 29 I am not always terrific at approximating how much of something I need either This way the child is still in control of when she is eating and when she is full, but the food remains available.


Again for me, because it's not helpful. If my child is having a problem we discuss it without the label. "I noticed you seem to be angry/upset/frustrated. Is that why you threw the book? Would you like to talk about it? Sometimes I feel like throwing things too." etc.




I completely agree unschoolma...

To agree with a pp too, I REALLY don't like the whole "good girl/bad girl" thing too...it is so annoying to me -- as well as labeling behavior as bad or good. I am more likely to ask whether or not something was a wise choice, or beneficial, or an appropriate reaction....something like:

"I see you are angry and that is why you kicked me. Do you think that is the best way you could have expressed your anger? Maybe if we talk about it we can come to some better solutions on how to express ourselves without hurting eachother" (or however you want to say it depending on age or whatever)

...rather than.... "kicking is BAD!!" (or naughty or whatever)
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#28 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 09:30 PM
 
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UnschoolnMa: thanks for that explanation, I am occasionally guilty of saying "one more spoon" to dd and didn't really think it was so bad if it wasn't creating conflict (I had big conflicts with my mother about eating).

No wonder you are senior member of the week

nothing more to say I guess :
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#29 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 09:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fizzymom
Have to add:

"What's wrong with you?"
"How many times do I have to tell you...?"
"Why can't you...?"

Hearing stuff like this just makes growing up SO much fun.
I almost cried when I read this because I have said these things to ds. I have been conscious to stop the "what's wrong with you" thing, because I realized quickly that that is not what I wanted to be saying to him. The other two just kind of pop out of my mouth during moments of total frustration.

I don't say anything else that's been mentioned on this thread, and the eating one drives me crazy. Now, I have on occassion been known to tell ds that he can't have more sugary whatever it is until he eats some good food. But that's because he can get quite crazy if he has too much sugar and not much else. Overall he's pretty good at rationing himself, so I often let him have a cookie or some ice cream before dinner. But if it's too much (like around the holidays right now), I have been known to insist that some other food be eaten before more sugar is ingested. But overall I'm a big believer in what UnschoolinMa described. We pretty much have a plate of something sitting out where ds can reach it at all times.

I sat through a brunch yesterday with my SIL bragging about how she bribes her dd to eat. SIL was lamenting that once Christmas is over she won't be able to bribe her to eat by using Santa Claus, and will have to find something else. She told her dd that she couldn't go outside and play with my ds until she finished eating, shoving forkful after forkful into the poor girls mouth. The topper for me was that the food she was insisting she eat was chicken fingers and french fries.
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#30 of 67 Old 12-05-2005, 11:49 PM
 
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To answer the OP, things I have heard but will never say to my children:

"Do that one more time and you're getting a time out."
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about" (Ugh, my dad used to always say that.)
"Why can't you eat/act nice/blah blah blah like little Johnny?"
"Be nice and give Uncle John a kiss."
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