falling off the AP wagon when babes get older - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 11 Old 01-17-2006, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
PrincessCass's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Twin Falls, Idaho
Posts: 646
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Has anyone else found themselves slaking a bit or becoming more detached as your babes get older? I recently started feeling completely detached form my six year old and now I am unssure of how to meet my three year olds needs now that he is not consoled by slinging, breastfeeding.

I feel like they don't listen to me at all and I get so frustrated. I'm also digusted by the amount of TV they watch and I would love to unplug them. My husband thinks that TV is fine we have no problems here lol.

How do I reconnect with my sons and meet the needs of my daughter and my husband while running a household and a business??
PrincessCass is offline  
#2 of 11 Old 01-17-2006, 03:16 PM
 
sunnysideup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,483
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It is hard to find time for everything when you are so busy. I recommend the book Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. It has some great strategies for connectng with our kids and making the relationship a priority.
sunnysideup is offline  
#3 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 01:26 AM
 
GranolaBar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: CANADA..
Posts: 36
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that you should set out some time to do things with your older children sometimes instead of letting them watch TV. Some TV is good but not toooo much. Maybe try and talk to them and get involved with their lives. THey've moved on from being completely dependent but can still use your help with other things in life.
GranolaBar is offline  
#4 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 02:12 AM
 
Mrs_Hos's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Dayton, Oh
Posts: 1,565
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think there are stages of 'pulling away' that parents do...and it is normal. If you wake up one day and immediately distance yourself, that would be bad, but gradual seperating is normal. It doesn't mean you love them any less! And hey...maybe they are pulling away from YOU! (Independent!)
Mrs_Hos is offline  
#5 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 03:20 PM
 
Fiercemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Toronto
Posts: 1,117
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hear you. My DD is almost 4 - still cosleeping, still bfing a tiny bit. I find that I get myself into trouble when I expect too much. She is very verbal, so sometimes its easy to do. When I remember that she's still a kidderoo and still needs her mama, things get a bit easier.
Fiercemama is offline  
#6 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 04:12 PM
 
mamaduck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 6,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There are phases. When they were little they lasted about 2 minutes while they explored something interesting and then ran back to touch base with mom, and then reach out again briefly. When they are older the explore ideas and experiences for days or weeks at a time, and become preoccupied with these things. And then "wake up" to touch base in small ways now and then. I suspect the emotional distances will continue to stretch. And it can be a sign that they are growing up. I am interested to read "Holding onto your Kids." But my first thought is that we also need to give them space when they want it, and holding on should something they choose or reject.

But to answer your question, I think its important to remain available and to moniter your own presentation, to ensure that you are communicating your availablity to your children in verbal and nonverbal ways.

I think its important to take an interest in their interests, in a respectful way that lets them retain "ownership" of their unique interests.

I think its important to include them in "work" along side you on a regular basis. This, like riding in the car together, provides an opportunity to connect in an authentic way while something outside of you both remains the focus.
mamaduck is offline  
#7 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 05:45 PM
 
Mizelenius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In Lalaland
Posts: 7,046
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I also recommend Playful Parenting!

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

Mizelenius is offline  
#8 of 11 Old 01-18-2006, 09:07 PM
 
**guest**'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: surrounded by water
Posts: 1,710
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i've been feeling like this, on and off. i do find that rereading Hold on To Your Kids allows me to recharge and reconnect.

dd is 3.5, she is not a cuddly child, never been. the way SHE needs to connect, is by nursing. *I* would like to reconnect by cuddling. at times i feel resentful that she would want to nurse, and yet wouldn't want me to touch her. i feel like a pacifier.

i even stopped posting for a while here -- i just felt so disconnected from her.

just reminding myself that she is still a baby, practically. which i find hard, as i have an actual baby , so she does look older. she will be 4 soon. and yet she is a baby...

i am glad i saw this post.

anna
**guest** is offline  
#9 of 11 Old 01-20-2006, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
PrincessCass's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Twin Falls, Idaho
Posts: 646
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I finally figured out why 3y/o and I are having such a hard time communticating. He has alwas used hand signals to help communicate his needs I noticed now he is using them alot less frequently. He really has come along way verbally but somtimes he gets lazy and it's so hard to understand.
Today I started using hand signals again and so far he hasn't followed my lead we'll see what happens.

My 6 y/o and I had a real heart to heart we are dealing with the residual effects of living with a spoiled child (long story 5y/o screams and gets anything he wants and if not he will try and make you feel bad until you give in) My son has resorted to saying mean hurtful things just to get what he wants so all extras are being cut off for awhile. I know my son is in there somewhere I just don't recognize this selfish child. I may look into counsling if this goes much further.
PrincessCass is offline  
#10 of 11 Old 01-20-2006, 02:55 PM
 
sunnysideup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,483
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrincessCass
My 6 y/o and I had a real heart to heart we are dealing with the residual effects of living with a spoiled child (long story 5y/o screams and gets anything he wants and if not he will try and make you feel bad until you give in) My son has resorted to saying mean hurtful things just to get what he wants so all extras are being cut off for awhile. I know my son is in there somewhere I just don't recognize this selfish child. I may look into counsling if this goes much further.
Sometimes kids act this way because in one way or another they feel their needs are not being met. they are not self-aware enough to know exactly what they need, so they become demanding. This is really common after the addition of a sibling to the family. Instead of being hard-lined with him, try catching him in good behavior and pointing it out. There are some great ideas in the book Playful Parenting. He uses an analogy of kids feeling like their "cup is empty" and parents either fill the cup with positive interactions or empty it with negative ones. So, a parent need to find ways to "fill the cup" or the child will be needy and demanding. Sibling rivalry can happen if the child feels you are filling a siblings cup more than theirs. Anyway, I found this analogy helpful.
sunnysideup is offline  
#11 of 11 Old 01-20-2006, 03:39 PM
 
dynamicdoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kitsap County, WA
Posts: 2,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I 'broke up' with my son when he was three. In one year,
  • he weaned
  • I got pregnant
  • was put on bed rest
  • he moved to his own bedroom (his choice)
  • I was hospitalized for a week
  • he potty learned
  • his brother was born

I was so in the moment with him, I didn't realize all this stuff was going on at once. All I knew was that my beautifully attached toddler had turned into a psychotic, abusive preschooler and I wanted OUT. That is the only time we have ever spanked- and I just didn't know what else to do, I was lost. I knew it wasn't the right thing, but I didn't know what else to do. I cried and screamed too. I feel like we both abused each other during that time, unknowingly, unwittingly... and so our bond was damaged during that time. His brother came along and he was sweet and tiny and didn't spit on me (with anger lol), or pull my hair or run from me in the street, and I tried to lavish as much attention on my older son as I did my baby but I felt so detached from him, it was very difficult. I was not the mom I wanted to be, but I was doing the best I could at the time, with what I had. I did the best I could. I didn't even know I had a problem, much less that I could ask for help.

Now my son is 8 and we are still repairing our relationship. My son is so amazing, everyone who meets him sees it. He is an incredible person and will be an incredible man, and I am working every day to make sure that our bond is strong, and loving, and healthy.

Someone told me that some detachment has to happen to care for the next offspring and I don't know that I agree with that, but who knows, maybe it's true. Either way, I am consciously choosing to re-attach in a new way to my son. How am I doing that? When I feel the wall shoot up between us, instead of seeing it as part of the landscape, I am bringing it into focus, looking at every brick and deciding which ones are loose enough to poke out. I can't knock that whole wall down at once but I am dismantling it over time, with love, piece by piece.

I think it is critical that you are charged so that you can put the energy into your family that they need you to provide. What are YOU bringing to the table? Are you showing up with a package of Chips A-Hoy or are you bringing a home made family recipe... does that make sense?

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
Doula, Student Midwife, Mama, Wife & More
http://redspiral.blogspot.com
dynamicdoula is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off