3 1/2 yo Tribe~ July 2006 - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 137 Old 07-02-2006, 12:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here we are again.
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#2 of 137 Old 07-02-2006, 01:58 PM
 
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Boy is my little guy a nightmare lately. Anyone else with a monster of a child? I'm hoping he gets out of this phase SOON.
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#3 of 137 Old 07-02-2006, 09:06 PM
 
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Hi,

I don't usually frequent this forum- I guess I keep thinking of my 3.5 yr old as a toddler, but he isn't anymore! Nice to see that there's a tribe!

Mine has been a monster most of his entire life, so now he seems to be finally growing out of it and we have had some really enjoyable times together and great conversations. I hope this lasts and it's not a phase!!

People always told me 'you'll fall in love with your baby at 3 months' and various positive things about different ages, and none of it was true of us- basically it's just been hard, hard, hard with brief periods of fun times. But I feel like I am just falling in love with him NOW, and am looking forward to what the next few months and years bring.

More later!
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#4 of 137 Old 07-02-2006, 09:50 PM
 
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Mine is a "spirited" child, and I've been reading a lot of books lately. I am learning how to work with her, I get better as each day goes by. HOWEVER, her constant need for attention and her daily tantrums and super-sensitivity wear me down sometimes.

She's also beautiful, witty, intelligent, smart, and energetic. There are positives.
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#5 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 09:33 AM
 
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BeanBean is not a monster when he gets his florivital. He's a sweet, energetic little guy, and he does things which are way outside of my comfort zone (like talking to people-- : ) but he's far less demonesque than I know he's capable of being most of the time. He's a real muffin.

We went to a big fireworks show last night. BeanBean watched, and when he became overstimulated he climbed into the wagon and asked me, very nicely, to put the blanket "all over" him, so that he couldn't see directly anymore. All in all, he enjoyed the trip and the show. I'm hoping to watch some fireworks on TV tonight and/or tomorrow.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#6 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 10:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedWine
Mine is a "spirited" child, and I've been reading a lot of books lately. I am learning how to work with her, I get better as each day goes by. HOWEVER, her constant need for attention and her daily tantrums and super-sensitivity wear me down sometimes.

She's also beautiful, witty, intelligent, smart, and energetic. There are positives.
Looks like I don't have to do an intro . My ds is the same. My biggest struggle right now is dealing with ds in a positive way while holding on to a very attached toddler. Feeling stretched a bit too thin here

Karen - spouse to dh for 11 years, mama to ds (Nov '02), dd (May '05) and ds and dd (Jun '08)

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#7 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 10:38 AM
 
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Lindy seems to be a bit less difficult right now than she was a few months ago. I've been realizing lately just how grown up she's getting. She's already turning into a person who seems to have a rich inner life that I only get glimpses of. She's always whispering to herself - lines from songs and books, dialogue or narration from something she's imagining - but mostly I can't even hear what she's saying, though I wish I could.

The other day we stopped for ice cream, and after we had been eating our ice cream in silence for a while, she said, "I keep having so many interesting thoughts!" I said, "Like what?" but she said, "I won't tell you." "I won't tell you" is something I'm hearing more and more these days. Anyone else have a secretive kid? Are all kids like that? I know I was.
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#8 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hmmm, monsters kids are only a matter of perspective, in my experience. Generally, they need more one on one time, or maybe they have a part of their diet that they are sensitive to. It could be many other things, but I'm always needing to find a cause for the effect.

I've also heard from a mother that she called her kid a monster all the time, and it truely did become a self-fullfilling propohecy. He wasn't so bad before, but got to be quite the challenge.

I have two kids so they team up and get really riled up sometimes. Then theres the before bed maddness that happens without fail every night. Its when they let out steam and extra energy to be ready to sleep.
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#9 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 02:00 PM
 
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Hi everyone...

I'm actually starting to enjoy my 3.5-er right now...almost more than the baby! She (my older DD) has become incredibly imaginative and has always been curious, so we can have long conversations about things like rainbows, aardvarks, skunks and waterfalls. Sometimes. At other times, she's cracking herself up talking about poop (what is it with kids and finding poop funny?), or getting in her cozy coupe and going to california or wisconsin or the grocery store. Or crying because she was told not to dump all of the sand out of the sandbox and into the kiddie pool. ("I'm just going to cry ALL DAY!" she said. "Um, okay, if you are that sad about it," I said. Thirty seconds later she was off doing something else. It's exhausting just keeping up with that kind of thing!)

My younger DD has learned to walk these past few weeks and suddenly she's Ms. split personality, wavering between independent charmer and clingy, melodramatic whining machine. My older DD didn't do the tantrum thing until she was much older, but her younger sister is mastering it early.....sigh!

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
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#10 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 02:10 PM
 
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Good grief...I don't call my son a monster to his face or even when he's around.
I don't think that I belong on this thread as my special needs child does not compare to the 3 1/2 yr old on here.
I can't relate to those of you who have a 'normal' child and I'm sure most of you can't relate to what I'm going through.

Bright Blessings,
Liz
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#11 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 06:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizc
Good grief...I don't call my son a monster to his face or even when he's around.
I don't think that I belong on this thread as my special needs child does not compare to the 3 1/2 yr old on here.
I can't relate to those of you who have a 'normal' child and I'm sure most of you can't relate to what I'm going through.

Bright Blessings,
Liz
Noone is saying that you call your son a monster, we're simply sharing what has worked for some of us. It's a matter of perspective. Some of us have found that if we think of our children as monsters (I tend to say "demon," but I know that word is particularly loaded for people who are/were raised Christian) their behavior will become, if not worse, more difficult to deal with. Please note that nobody responded by saying, "I can't relate at all, my 3.5 year old has always been ridiculously easy to deal with." We all have those days/weeks/months. For some of us, there are more and different challenges involved, but each child presents a unique set of challenges to deal with, neurotypical or otherwise.

BizzyBug is a darling girl with Asperger's, and she can be a *gigantic* handful at times. If we just think of her as a demon, or even as behaving like a demon, we're powerless to help her or ourselves deal with her behaviors. If we recognize that she has needs which aren't being met, we can help her. A weighted vest, or strong hugs (deep pressure stimulation), a chance to jump up and down on the floor (joint compression); these things all help her to reorganize and to relax. Her behavior improves exponentially after an hour in a weighted vest. Transitions are still a time for breakdowns, even when she's eager and looking forward to the new experience, but a few strong hugs and a little bit more time can help her to cope. It doesn't help us to say, "What a demon, she's really being awful today!" but of course we've all had those thoughts.

I'm very lucky with BeanBean; as long as he gets his iron, everything else seems to fall into place. The biggest problem we have is buying floravital when we can't afford to pay our phone bill on time, or put oil in the furnace (an issue even in the summertime for us, as our hot water comes through the furnace). Still, BeanBean can be lots of work. I posted a few weeks ago on another thread that I'd given serious thought that day to trying to shove BeanBean into a FedEx box and shipping him *anywhere* that I wouldn't have to deal with him, because he was driving me nuts. I know that it's not helpful, but yes, I do have these thoughts sometimes. Being a parent is *work*, despite the fact that our society doesn't really value it. Some of us have things more difficult than others, but we all have challenges to deal with and we're all here because we're doing the best that we can. Right?

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#12 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 08:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mama to one
Looks like I don't have to do an intro . My ds is the same. My biggest struggle right now is dealing with ds in a positive way while holding on to a very attached toddler. Feeling stretched a bit too thin here
I'm also stretched waaaaaaaay too thin. Hugs, mama. At least we know we're not alone.
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#13 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 10:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by majazama
I've also heard from a mother that she called her kid a monster all the time, and it truely did become a self-fullfilling propohecy. He wasn't so bad before, but got to be quite the challenge.
This is what I said. I was not saying you call your son a monster as you can see. But that I know of a situation where it became an issue with one mama because the kid acted a lot worse with that "pet name".

Quote:
Originally Posted by lizc
I don't call my son a monster to his face or even when he's around.
I don't think that I belong on this thread as my special needs child does not compare to the 3 1/2 yr old on here.
I can't relate to those of you who have a 'normal' child and I'm sure most of you can't relate to what I'm going through.
You and your son defiantely belongs with us. we are happy to help you, support you, and we really do care too! You don't really talk about him very much, except the fact that he has PDD (sp?) and Autism. I did mention once that if you were interested in getting him better, that there are ways to detoxify the body, as autism is epidemic since vaccinations/mercury/heavy metal overload, (which I harshly assume that you have had done, as when I mentioned it, you didn't reply again for some time??). Its hard to hear things when you are not ready for them, and I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with him.

I'm in a space right now with my daughter that I want to be her friend. I did have a lot of time when I felt like I couldn't stand her and it still does happen occationally, but we are working to make it all right. Shes her own person, and I have to understand that she has a different path than I.
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#14 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 10:29 PM
 
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I do not vaccinate.
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#15 of 137 Old 07-03-2006, 10:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lizc
Boy is my little guy a nightmare lately. Anyone else with a monster of a child? I'm hoping he gets out of this phase SOON.
Because I used the term 'monster' and then saw the post about someone else calling their child a monster.....I assumed that the post was geared towards me.
Again, I do not call my child a monster to his face nor to anyone when he's around. I've said it on here. Period.

No, I don't talk about ds all that much... I value my privacy (for the most part). Also, because he doesn't do all the fabulous things that every other child does, I feel bad.
I have posted about him in other forums though.

I'm tired. So very tired.
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#16 of 137 Old 07-04-2006, 02:29 PM
 
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subbing...

Hugs Liz, I do hope you stay around, I do think you belong. Each of our children have their own challenges and their own areas where they excel. Kwim?

I'm tired too, but for different reasons than ya'll I think. We are packing and getting ready to go. Hopefully we will be leaving this weekend. I'm finally getting super excited about this trip. My FIL is here helping me pack thank goodness, or I'd be losing my mind right about now. We've had some pretty bad luck in the last few weeks, and I've decided that this week that will change I'm determined that we will find a way to make this trip happen and we will leave this weekend...

I joined the yahoo group, but haven't had a chance to post yet...

My girls have been a bit of handful lately (Aubrey just turned one!!) but I'm finding myself enjoying them anyways, even enjoying the difficult aspects, I'm feeling grateful that they feel comfortable in expressing all of their emotions with me.

i'm reading Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and finding it is really helpful in keeping me in the right frame of mind.

Oh yeah, and Jaz, I can totally relate re: bedtime. Dh has been working 12 - 14 hours a day so I've been doing bedtime on my own for at least the last month. IT'S HARD! It never fails that Mariah will be almost asleep and then Aubrey will start squeeling and trying to play with her Plus with all the changes in our lives and environment (which M is super sensitive to) I had dh bring home some Melatonin last night, we'll see if that helps...

Much Love to you all!
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#17 of 137 Old 07-04-2006, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hey punk, I wanted to tell you that you were in my dream a few weeks ago, near solstice. You were very pregnant, in labour actually, and I was your MW. You had the baby crowning or ready to come out anyways, but you were hanging out with your friends, drinking a beer outside on a picnic table, like youd just push the baby out when it suited you. And I was like, ummm...
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#18 of 137 Old 07-04-2006, 07:20 PM
 
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Oh my gosh Jaz, that is so freaking cool!! I'm so glad you shared that with me!

I've been thinking lots about our next babe, reading and thinking about UP and UC. I would be so honored to have you as my MW

Wow, you just made my day mama
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#19 of 137 Old 07-05-2006, 03:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by punkprincessmama
Oh my gosh Jaz, that is so freaking cool!! I'm so glad you shared that with me!

I've been thinking lots about our next babe, reading and thinking about UP and UC. I would be so honored to have you as my MW

Wow, you just made my day mama





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#20 of 137 Old 07-05-2006, 03:10 PM
 
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Hey everybody! subbing...be back later
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#21 of 137 Old 07-05-2006, 08:58 PM
 
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I'm so glad that I found all of you. I can SOOOOOO relate.

I just purchased a book someone recommended, "3 YO Friend or Enemy'. I thought it would be a great book but when I started to read it it didn't apply to me at all.

My son was diagnosed with PDD and is slow in speech so doesn't express the same things as the book talks about. Then yesterday at our block party I felt so alone, frustrated and sorry for myself that my son was so different and couldn't play nicely with the other children.

To see him there doesn't appear to be anything wrong, but when anyone speaks to him he doesn't respond and sometimes does this weird hand-spinning thing. He's such a sweet boy but arrrgh, I'm not cut out for this.

I always thought I'd be a wonderful patient mother, but now I feel like I'm not a good mother at all. I don't even want to tell you my thoughts.

There are good days and bad days, but whenever I'm around 'normal' children I seem to get angry, critical and depressed.

TTFN
Nami
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#22 of 137 Old 07-05-2006, 09:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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teatotaler~ feel free to elaborate on your son. Everyone has a different perspective, and perhaps we can be of some help.
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#23 of 137 Old 07-06-2006, 07:42 PM
 
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Oh, Liz! and to you! It sounds like you are having a tough time of it lately. Sometimes it feels like there is a black cloud surrounding you and everything's just :. , my friend. (I'm not saying that's how you feel, I'm not even saying that I know how you feel, but it just seems to me from you're posts that you've been on edge lately and I'm sorry for that.) I really wish we all lived closer together so we could offer the help in person that we offer on mdc. You definitely belong here because this tribe is for children born in November or December-ish of 2002, not for children who meet specific goals by a specific time. (Julianna was born in Feb. '03 and she's in this group by default ). BeanBean is almost a genius compared to my kids, but I don't get jealous of eilonwy for telling us what he's been up to. I LOVE bragging about my kids, and I am truly sorry if it hurts anyone's feeling! Kids are individuals and even though the "experts" have these nice little timelines to be "helpful", they usually end up making us feel like we're doing something wrong because our kids don't conform to these specific guidelines. We know you are a geat mother, Liz, and you are a great person and we enjoy having you here. We would never intentionally say anything to hurt your feelings, and if we do we apologize in advance. Your little guy has his own hurdles to overcome and I'm sure it is difficult for you both to go through this. Come here and vent away, ok?

In other news: Zachary said something very horrible yesterday. I can't even remember what I did to make him mad, but he looked right at me and said "I... I... hate you." : I just stared at him and he immediately said "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!". I just calmly told him to go to his room. I felt like someone had just drained all the blood right out of my body and I couldn't move, I was so hurt and surprised. He started crying and went to his room. A minute later he came out and gave me a hug and sat in my lap. I told him "It's ok to tell me you don't like me, but you must never say you hate anyone EVER. It's a very mean thing to say." I know you're not supposed to let them know that they have power over your emotions or whatever the experts say, but that's what I thought sounded good at the time. He tells me he doesn't like me sometimes when he's mad at me, which is fine with me. "Don't like" is better than "hate". I felt so crushed and hurt, I couldn't believe he told me he hated me. It felt more like he was testing me to see what would happen if he said something that hurtful. He has never said that he has hated *anything*, so for the first time to be me was pretty shocking.

Luckily for me he says he loves me about 100 times a day so it cancels out the word HATE from yesterday.

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#24 of 137 Old 07-06-2006, 07:44 PM
 
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Right here with you mamas. 3 1/2 year old DS.

Hope to be back in a little while. Got a tantrum to tend to. Ugh.
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#25 of 137 Old 07-06-2006, 08:56 PM
 
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(This is not directed to one certain person, I am just typing here what I learned at a seminar...)

I wanted to add that I learned in a class called "See me, Hear me, Notice me" (I take lots of classes for foster care) that tantruming is a way of the child unconsciously asking "Am I safe?" Children are trying to get you to feel what they are feeling in order to get you to meet their needs. See misbehavior as a call for help instead of disrespect. See conflict as an opportunity to teach! According to this theory, we must respond to the child with empathy. Mirror what the child is doing: "I can see that you are very upset that you have to take turns. You are sad because you still wanted to play with the ball." The brain goes into the "fight or flight" mode when there is perceived fear, threat or stress- so losing your cool while they are tantruming will only make your child turn off his brain, or go "offline", and the lesson you're trying to teach about waiting for your turn and sharing to be nice just goes in one ear and out the other. (We create danger any time we blame, judge, or attempt to make others responsible for our own upset.) What we say to our children in their emotional state becomes their inner dialogue!!! When children become upset- mirror, don't judge. Make eye contact to wire their brains for self-control. Empathy is another means for getting the child to become self aware. Put yourself in their shoes and mirror back what you think your child is really saying, acknowledge and affirm their feelings. The brain functions best when it feels safe. So when your child feels safe he will eventually learn self control by the trust he feels, and by the coping skills he learns from you. We must model self control so that our children can learn self control. The key here is to try to keep your calm when your child's emotions are out of control. Own your own upset- embrace that no one can MAKE you mad without your permission. Whoever you believe is in charge of your feelings, you have placed in charge of you. Breathe deeply and say to yourself "I am safe. I feel calm. I can help this child with her problem." It's not as easy as it sounds (as we all know!), but it sounds good in theory, . I know it sounds stupid, but I actually pretend that someone's here with me, or that there's a hidden camera on me, watching and listening to me all the time. I try to be the parent I want my husband and children to see me as... Sometimes it doesn't work and I can't regain my composure and I end up yelling at the kids :. But it helps for me to try harder to be the parent I WANT TO BE, and not the parent I can be when I let my emotions get the better of me...

A couple neat sayings:

It's Time For Change! (Author Unknown)
We can no longer teach
our children the way
that we wer taught,
for they were born in a
different time!

A new twist on The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe:
Wonderful woman
who lived in a shoe
She had so many children
she knew exactly what to do
She held them, she rocked them
and tucked them in bed
"I love you, I love you!"
is what she said.

And of course my favorite, from Vimala McClure in Tao of Motherhood
"Pay attention and stay centered. You carry the mantle of 'Mother', the external principle of balance and stability. When your children's energy is scattered, be grounded. When your children throw tantrums, be still. Know what you stand for. Be firm and consistent to teach your children about boundaries. Thus you will root them in health and release their souls to limitless."

And the best of all advice: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! : We have all at one time or another wanted to run from the house screaming! But at least we are here instead, getting support and encouragement when we need it...

Peace, Mamas...

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#26 of 137 Old 07-06-2006, 10:38 PM
 
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Wow Leah, what a timely post... I'm up here hiding from two tantruming children right now. :

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#27 of 137 Old 07-07-2006, 11:43 PM
 
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When Dd turned 3 all He** broke loose but at 3 1/2 we are slowly sending the body snatchers back!! Dd is so much easier to deal with at 3 1/2. At 3 my Dd was terrified of everything. I mean screaming and yelling afraid to ride in the car, terrified of people; certain books it was an eggg shell walk everyday but now the fears are almost alll gone with just one left...leaving mommy. It's more of an abandonement issue that I think stems from 2 scary experiences she is having trouble getting over.
One time I was giving her baby brother a bath in the sink and she told me she was going out to see Daddy. I thought daddy was in the kitchen but apparently he had gone outside. DD went to find him and when the door closed behind her she couldn't get back in and was locked out and I had no idea b/c I was in the bathroom. than I finally heard her screaming "Help me somebody ANYBODY" I ran and there she was a sobbing mess. she has yet to get over this and the sound of door clicking shut totally freaks her out. It's very sad
The other experience is along the same lines. DH stupidly left her in the car alone one time to run into a store. (yes he will NEVER do it again) she was very afraid.
So she has those issues still on her plate but we have been patient as possible with fears.
Anyway... I much prefer 3 1/2 to 3 and hope 4 alleviates all phobias.

BTW...Daffodil my DD does that secret thing too. It makes me crazy.

The first rule of homeschooling: water the plants! :
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#28 of 137 Old 07-08-2006, 07:23 PM
 
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Leah, what an awesome post

Just wanted to let you all know WE ARE OUTTA HERE!!!!! As of Monday night we are officially going to be "on the road" Keep me in your thoughts, mamas, I'd appreciate it

Much Love,
Punk
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#29 of 137 Old 07-08-2006, 07:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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punk~ wow, you've been planning this for a long time. I hope you have a blast. I was just wondering some things.... I hope I'm not being an idiot by asking, but... Are you driving a van? Have you sold off all your posessions? Where are you heading? What are you hoping for? Wish I could do that. I was kinda thinking I would do that this winter, as I have a van, and I'd just go from festival to festival.

In other news, I got a dog on thursday, then she ran away during a thunderstorm, the same day.: So now today, someone downtown (in a this really small town), phoned me and I went and picked her up, brought her home, and she proptly shat and pissed in the laundrey room. yuck! I hope this works out, and that she "likes" us, as I get the feeling that she doesn't really want to be here with us. I don't even want to let her outside, cause I think she'll run away.

anyways, that's whats going on in my life ATM.
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#30 of 137 Old 07-08-2006, 08:52 PM
 
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Bon Voyage, punk!!! Hope you and the fam have a safe and exciting trip!

Leah coolshine.gif adoptionheart-1.gif homebirth.jpg

Hubby guitar.gif, ds (11) REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, adopted dd (10) notes2.gif, dd (6) dust.gif, dd (1) femalesling.GIF & 3 foster dd's wheelchair.gif upsidedown.gif diaper.gif  

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