Why are people pressuring me to 'wean' my dd, 6, from my presence? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 97 Old 10-15-2006, 05:10 PM
 
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This is a very complicated situation.

Two things pop out though:

Family Enmeshment: Where family members do not have their own identity outisde of the family unit.

and:

Introvertness: not that this is an issue for YOU, but have you considered tha you may be projecting your introvertness onto your daughter?

Just throwing these things out there and would love to contribute more once the OP responds, if she so wishes.
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#92 of 97 Old 10-16-2006, 05:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post

originally posted by rubelin -
I do think there are some people who have issues because they were never away from their parents enough as children, and I think those kinds of people are what brings up the concerns that many advice-givers have.


Well, maybe -- but which do you think have worse issues: those who separated a little later than they were ready or those who were forced before they were ready?
I wasn't agreeing with the concerns the advice-givers have, just offering an idea of why they might have them, which is what I thought the OP was looking for, an understanding of why these people keep pestering her about this issue.

And, I don't think either is necessarily worse than the other. Each has it's own set of issues that may or may not be a problem later in life.

Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#93 of 97 Old 10-21-2006, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Potty Diva

This is a very complicated situation.

Two things pop out though:

Family Enmeshment: Where family members do not have their own identity outisde of the family unit.

and:

Introvertness: not that this is an issue for YOU, but have you considered tha you may be projecting your introvertness onto your daughter?

Just throwing these things out there and would love to contribute more once the OP responds, if she so wishes.
I feel that I have been quite reasonable in regards to all of my responses to replies on this thread. I have had my attention called back to this thread I was quite ready to see buried by a friend. I want you to know that this response is not meant at all to be snarky.

I have to ask honestly, do you believe you have a clear understanding of what it is to be an introvert? It isn't a disease that is passed onto another through contact. It wouldn't even be a stigma of someone who had lived a life of extreme isolation. It is a descriptive label that people use to describe a mental way of being that although shares typical characteristics varies widely among individuals. It isn't a set in stone, if you are introverted you must be this way. I choose to say I am somewhat introverted because I feel the need to have bursts of time to reflect within myself throughout the day between social contact with others. I do this whilst performing regular household running at times. Often while I am cooking or doing the dishes I am analyzing conversations I have had over the recent days, somewhat like mental categorizing I guess, among other things. I need that quiet time. It does not mean that I am not social or do not enjoy being social. We are talking degrees here. My dd's mind is her own. How on earth could I be projecting my introversion onto her?

And as to the family enmeshment comment. I am finding it difficult to even wrap my mind around what you are saying. Where family members do not have their own identity outisde of the family unit. Are you saying that because I have been present during most all of my 6 year old dd's life that she does not have an identity outside of our family? That she is not a unique individual seperate from who she is within the context of my mind, my dh's mind and her brother's mind? That her bf, and the other friends, cousins, grandparents and other relatives, neighbors, librarians, and even animals she relates to do not see her as having an identity outside of and beyond being part of our immediate family because I have been present, whether in the immediate area or in a different room, during her six years of being alive? Or are you saying you believe she may not see herself as an individual identity outside of being part of her immediate family? As if she is not a unique individual with her own thoughts, dreams, talents, loves, likes, dislikes, wants, and relations to other social beings.

All of this inferred because my six year old daughter has spent nearly all of her life near my being? People are social beings, even introverted ones. To say that being in another person's presence or close proximity (ie other room) in some way takes away from the identity or individual of a person is a concept I can not quite grasp. We spend much of our lives within the presence or close proximity of others.

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#94 of 97 Old 10-21-2006, 12:30 PM
 
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Hello Ruby,

Your post did not come across as snarky at all. I do understand what it means to be an introvert because I am one. Severely. My daughter is a social butterfly and I must force myself to go to parties, games, etc to suit her social needs and wants. It's painful. I can't stand being around other people (excpet for close friends).

What I am saying about enmeshment is this. And because I do not know the mind of your child I cannot tell you if they are enmeshed or not, so I will use a general idea.

This site says it best, and yes from what I have read I am applying it to your situation:

"Enmeshment refers to an extreme form of proximity and intensity in family interactions...In a highly enmeshed, overinvolved family, changes within one family member or in the relationship between two family members reverberate throughout the system... "

Enmeshment
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#95 of 97 Old 10-21-2006, 12:31 PM
 
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You posted that you were ready for this thread to end, which is fine, but, pulling my post out with this statement doesn't make sense since I was not the last person to post on this thread.
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#96 of 97 Old 10-21-2006, 02:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen View Post

I have to ask honestly, do you believe you have a clear understanding of what it is to be an introvert? It isn't a disease that is passed onto another through contact. It wouldn't even be a stigma of someone who had lived a life of extreme isolation. It is a descriptive label that people use to describe a mental way of being that although shares typical characteristics varies widely among individuals. It isn't a set in stone, if you are introverted you must be this way. I choose to say I am somewhat introverted because I feel the need to have bursts of time to reflect within myself throughout the day between social contact with others. I do this whilst performing regular household running at times. Often while I am cooking or doing the dishes I am analyzing conversations I have had over the recent days, somewhat like mental categorizing I guess, among other things. I need that quiet time. It does not mean that I am not social or do not enjoy being social. We are talking degrees here. My dd's mind is her own. How on earth could I be projecting my introversion onto her?
Slightly

Finally, someone has eloquently described how I feel about being an introvert. Thank you. My Dh and I are both introverts, and we are parents to a very extroverted little girl. If anything, we've become more social because of her. May I use your description to help others understand when I am trying to explain why I don't like to have too many outside activities on my calendar?

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#97 of 97 Old 10-21-2006, 03:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post

Your post did not come across as snarky at all. I do understand what it means to be an introvert because I am one. Severely. My daughter is a social butterfly and I must force myself to go to parties, games, etc to suit her social needs and wants. It's painful. I can't stand being around other people (excpet for close friends).

"Enmeshment refers to an extreme form of proximity and intensity in family interactions...In a highly enmeshed, overinvolved family, changes within one family member or in the relationship between two family members reverberate throughout the system... "
PD, that's a great post. I grew up in an enmeshed family, and it's like being. slowly. suffocated. It was horrible. No boundaries, always being watched. I was homeschooled for two years due to my parents' overprotectiveness and need to be with us every minute of the day. Required disclaimer: Not that all homeschooled kids have this sort of issue, of course. I remember feeling guilty if I wanted to be away from them, because they were so emotionally needy (and introverted, without friends of their own) that I felt I was abandoning THEM if I wanted time to be with just kids, having gross-out contests, sleepovers, and all the usual kid stuff. I have another friend who grew up like this too, her mom still calls her everyday, and if she can't get through, she just keeps on calling. She annoys the crap out of my friend. Kids are fairly sensitive to their parents' fears and moods.

Neither smothering or severing is a good choice; there's a place in between, where one sets aside one's personal preferences or needs (whether for independence or dependence) and follows the child. As long as that's being done, then it's all good.

MissRubyandKen, what I did with my daughter - if she wanted to be involved in an activity (and I'm not clear as to whether yours does or not), was to drop her off in a light mood (i.e. wow, sounds like you're gonna have fun) but always make sure the teacher/parent and my daughter had my cell phone number in case she decided she didn't like it. (After having a talk about how to tell the adult this, politely) There have been times where I picked her up early from a playdate, or she tried a class out and decided to never go back. If it was a short class (i.e. 45 min dance class) she usually at least lasted one class before deciding it wasn't for her.
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