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"I'm going to kill her"

765 views 13 replies 10 participants last post by  becoming 
#1 ·
DS and a neighbor girl had a situation this afternoon - there was an argument over a stick (I know
) and DS ended up having a huge out of control tantrum. DH had to carry him home. In DS's mind, the whole thing was horribly unfair and NG got to take *his* stick home. (Long story short.)

When DS calmed down enough to be able to talk, he said he was going to kill NG. He said he was going to get a gun and kill her dead. I was pretty taken aback, because we are not big on guns around here. No toy guns, no real guns, no pictures of guns
you get the idea. Maybe he picked it up from his hoodlum friends, ha ha. Anyway, I said "You're really angry at NG," and he said emphatically that he was indeed angry at her and was going to kill her.

Leter that night, I asked him if he wanted to go down the street and talk to NG about what happened. He said no. I asked him what he was going to do the next time he saw her, and he said he was going to run into a closet, then run into another closet, and grab a gun, and kill her. I have no idea where he got that about the closets. So I said, "You are so angry at her, you wish you could kill her" and he said, "I *am* going to kill her."

Me: What do you think would happen to NG after you kill her?
DS: She would turn into bones.
Me: Yes. Do you think her Mommy and Daddy would miss her?
DS: Yes.
Me: And NG's big sister? She'd miss her too.
DS: Yeah.
Me: So that doesn't seem fair to them. (
s I know this is a crazy conversation.)
DS: Well, she's mean and I am going to get a gun and I'm going to kill her.

I tried to talk to him about some of the fun times he and NG have had together, etc. I tried to tell him that it's OK to be angry and rant and stuff but it's never OK to actually hurt someone but I don't know how much of that he got. He never agreed with me about it. I don't think he would actually hurt her but the way he kept insisting he was going to kill her kind of unnerved me a little. He was so specific and adamant about it.

What do you all think about this?
 
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#2 ·
Wow. I have no idea.

You validated his feelings. You understood that he was angry. You tried to get him to come up with a better way on his own, yet, he still instists that death is the only way to deal with her.

I hope he calms down. Usually with boys, they just pound each other, then get over it. But, when a girl is involved, maybe that makes it worse. Idunno.

: I clearly have no answers, But I didn't want to see this post get buried. My only advice is to keep him away from guns. ANd closets with those pesky little hidden closets inside.... you know, where we ALL keep the guns.

I hope tomorrow is better.
 
#3 ·
Oh, my gracious. :::::::::::::: hugs :::::::::::::::: to you for having to deal with this. I dont' know what you could have done better or more respectfully.

I'm as shocked as you are by your son's comments. It certainly doesn't seem that you're a gun-carryin', NRA-lovin' Mama, so my true reaction is: WTF? Poor little guy.


love, penelope
 
#4 ·
It seems like ds is exposed to too much violence. IMO, you should closely monitor what he watches on tv and the toys he plays with (now would be a good time to take away any toy guns or other weapons that he might have). Has he ever said anything like that before? Just outta curiousity, how much does he really know about death...Has he ever had a pet die or seen any dead animals? You might want to monitor his play in the future to make sure that it doesn't get too rough. Also, how old was the girl and was she as angry as your son?
It is sad that kids today are exposed to that much violence at an early age.

PS: That must have been one hell of a stick.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cool_mom View Post
(now would be a good time to take away any toy guns or other weapons that he might have).
He doesn't have any. We don't watch violent TV or movies where people are shooting each other or anything.

He does have some exposure to violence, for instance he is really into dinosaurs. It is a fact that some dinosaurs had really big teeth and ate other dinosaurs. In some fairy tales there are violent elements, he has heard some of those. That kind of thing. I really have no idea where he got the gun idea from.

He has never said anything like this before.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cool_mom View Post
Just outta curiousity, how much does he really know about death...Has he ever had a pet die or seen any dead animals?
He has had direct experience with death. I don't know how much he understands about it. I think he gets the basic, "You are gone and nobody will see you anymore" aspect of it.
 
#7 ·
One last thing - he does express his anger physically. It's something we have been working on for a long time.

On one hand, I am glad he is putting his angry feelings into words. I can understand how he might have to use very strong words/ideas to express just how angry he is. The thing that bothers me is that he doesn't seem to want to say that these are just words he is using to express his rage. He says he is really going to do it, even later when he is calm.

OK, I am making him sound like a psychopath. I was hoping someone would come along and tell me this is normal.
:
 
#8 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd View Post
I asked him what he was going to do the next time he saw her, and he said he was going to run into a closet, then run into another closet, and grab a gun, and kill her. I have no idea where he got that about the closets.

Just a thought and I don't want to freak you out....... but, I can imagine famillies (who don't keep their guns locked up) would have the gun in one closet and the bullets in the other. That is my only insight on the closet thing. If I were you, I'd try and figure out how he knows this and in paticular WHO he knows that has guns kept this way. He may have heard it from another kid or if he were at someone else's house playing. EIther way *IF* this is true, I'd be talking to the parents RIGHT AWAY to prevent ANY kid from accessing these guns.
 
#10 ·
:

And FYI, my daughter (who is 4) picked up a yard stick at the playground the other day and started making a gun noise. I was so shocked, I asked what she was doing, and she said she was "shooting bad guys". ??? No, we DON'T have guns in this house, and unless there is an episode where Dora and Boots go on a manhunt, she doesn't see shows with guns either. The only place I can think she got it from was one of her friends at pre school.
 
#11 ·
Its likely he really doesn't get that that person would be gone forever. Thats a hard concept for adults to accept much less a child. I know this summer my 4 year old newphew would give very gorry details in how he was going to kill destroy etc people in his case it was from video games.
: Even though his father claimed he knew the diffrence it was clear he didn't.
 
#12 ·
Okay, I'll bite!
He's four, right? (Please correct me if I'm wrong.) I used to work as a preschool teacher in a pretty AP preschool, and one year I had a class entirely consisting of 3 and 4 year old boys. (Oy vey, what a year!) I think what he sounds pretty normal. It sounds to us, as adults, with understandings of death and guns and violence, disturbing and psychopathic, but to a four year old little boy, he's feeling some big feelings and is looking for a big way to express those feelings. Guns are everywhere, culturally, even if you have no toy weapons/ violent television/ etc. I cant tell you how many families, especially with boys, who have no exposure to guns or violence in their houses, discovered their boys nibbling their sandwiches into guns and pretending to shoot them! Kids have sort of an archetypal need for violence. (Think about fairy tales.) They want resolution. He feels angry and wants to make her disappear.

I'd affirm his feelings. "Wow! You really sound angry! You feel FURIOUS! You are so, so mad. It sounds like you feel like a volcano! You really want her to be dead right now!" I wouldnt try to talk him out of what he's saying, re her family would miss her/ you have fun playing with her sometimes, etc. I'd do a lot of "angry things" with him. (Not necessarily bringing up the episode, just initiating activities.) Make bread, pound play dough, have a pillow fight, wrestle, stomp like dinosaurs, run and run around the block as fast as you can. Eventually, after some of the anger has dissipated, work on getting him to laugh. Playing out the angry situation might help. Let him pretend to shoot her. (You be the little girl.) Okay, he's shot her, now what? Is it satisfying? He probably does "mean" what he's saying, as much as a four year old can. He just doesnt understand, and what HE means isnt what we as adults understand.

I really think this is a developmentally normal thing to do. Saying he is going to shoot her is just the best way he can say, "I am *this this this* angry." We're scared of pretend violence as adults, thinking it is a precursor to real violence, but in small children it really has no real relationship. (Assuming no access to guns or other weapons.) Definitely keep him away from the guns; see if any friends have them in closets; watch him and the friend together for awhile, but relax. I dont think he's a psychopath. In fact, the fact he can say those words (using his words) is a good sign. Playing out violence can reduce actual violence (a la Greenspan and floortime). It sounds like you did a great job with him. Keep up the good work!
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd View Post
The thing that bothers me is that he doesn't seem to want to say that these are just words he is using to express his rage. He says he is really going to do it, even later when he is calm.

OK, I am making him sound like a psychopath. I was hoping someone would come along and tell me this is normal.
:
It sounds normal to me. I can totally imagine my DD saying something like that and insisting it was something she really wanted to do, even though I know she wouldn't actually do anything violent to another person. She sometimes says she wants to kill her little brother, or wants him to die. But she's careful not to actually hurt him. She sometimes pretends to hit him, but restrains herself and either doesn't touch him or just gives him a tiny pat that makes him laugh.

I can see why he wouldn't want to say that he doesn't really plan to kill the girl. Saying that out loud would minimize the strength of his feelings.
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post
I can see why he wouldn't want to say that he doesn't really plan to kill the girl. Saying that out loud would minimize the strength of his feelings.
:

I disagree with the PP who suggested acting out a scenario where he pretends to shoot the little girl.
: I think this would signal that it was okay with you if he really did it, like the idea of killing someone is acceptable.
 
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