What can I do about obnoxious rude nephew? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 10-27-2006, 08:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd is 5 and my dn is 10, he is a nice kid but has a bad habit of being very rude and obnoxious. He can be pretty nasty to dd and he is rude and obnoxious to every one else. My dd doesnt ever seem to notice how mean he is to her, but when ever she plays with him for weeks afterward she imitates the faces, the eye roilling, and the nasty tones he uses so often. I know my sister is aware of the problem and will correct dn when he is blatantly rude and nasty but alot of the eye rolling and faces are done behind her back KWIM... I am not really sure what to do, they dont see each other to often maybe 1 or 2 times a month but I am starting to think 0 times a month might be a better solution
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#2 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 12:30 AM
 
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I wouldn't stop seeing him. We all need to learn how to differentiate between how people act around us and how we should act. This is a great teachable time for you and your dd. Before the next visit, try talking with dd about how your dn acts. Include how the rude behavior makes other people feel and ways to help her avoid mindlessly mimicking him. Keep it positive and see what happens. I'm sure in her life she will have to deal with plenty of friends who act similarly at times.

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#3 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 03:15 PM
 
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I don't know.. but if you figure it out, let me know
We have one nephew who is just obnoxious. I could list all the things he has said, but it would take a really long time : I think he just repeats the things he hears at his mother's house and then his father's house, which is really sad. He's only four.
It's not quite as bad as what you're describing, though.
Are you close enough to your sister to where you could talk to her about this? He doesn't sound like a good influence on your daughter. I would try to limit the contact that they have until it gets better

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#4 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 03:21 PM
 
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Whap him with the big foam cluebat?
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#5 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 03:28 PM
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Whap him with the big foam cluebat?
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#6 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 03:52 PM
 
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Whap him with the big foam cluebat?
Now sweetie, just because there are certain nephews you want to thwap with a cluebat it doesn't mean that everyone does.

I am open to suggestions, as DS has 2 older cousins who are not exactly the nicest to him, and it breaks my heart when he comes home and says "Mom, A&D say I'm stupid" when in reality he's a smart kid, just 2 years younger and less aware of childhood social interactions (because he is not in daycare)

I have no reason to believe the situation will get better either. It has been like this from the beginning.
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#7 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 05:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mighty Jalapeno View Post
Whap him with the big foam cluebat?
haha thats a great suggestion.
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#8 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 05:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by straighthaircurly View Post
I wouldn't stop seeing him. We all need to learn how to differentiate between how people act around us and how we should act. This is a great teachable time for you and your dd. Before the next visit, try talking with dd about how your dn acts. Include how the rude behavior makes other people feel and ways to help her avoid mindlessly mimicking him. Keep it positive and see what happens. I'm sure in her life she will have to deal with plenty of friends who act similarly at times.

I totally agree with this. Talk before hand and afterward as well. If its not the cousin, without a doubt it will be another child in the future.

You could also talk with your sister and ask her what you could say if you catch him doing it- a way to remind him that it is not good cousin behavior... Speaking of, you could also remind the cousin what behavior you expect and why and then (I know, a little contoversial) you could offer a reward for a positive experience, just as a way of saying "Thank you for being a good big cousin." It might be a way to break the behavior cycle and remind him about his responsibilities and he may feel good about the "thank you" part.
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#9 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 11:35 PM
 
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How would your sister feel if you call him on it?

In our family, as long as we're not demeaning the child or being rude, it's OK for us to discipline each other's kids. Ideally of course, the parent steps in, but sometimes the parents don't see it, sometimes they aren't there.

We had about a 6 month campaign with my nephew when he was a pre-teen to teach him that he had to greet the whole family when he came over to visit (which was frequently). My oldest sister is quite a bit older than my brother and me, and so we were both at home going to college when he was in this stage. My nephew would arrive, slink off into the basement to see my brother, and not say a word to grandma and grandpa or anyone else who was in the house. So, we'd go get him, inform him that it was rude to enter a house and not greet people, tell him that it hurt our feelings, ask him to greet everyone, and then let him go back downstairs to my brother. We had a similar campaign with him when he was younger about being a sore winner when he won board games.

In his case, I think that the combination of reinforced messages - politely expressed, but very firm "your behavior is rude" really helped him see beyond himself. He's a very sensitive, intense person and it was just hard for him to see beyond himself at that age. He's grown into a lovely person, mostly because his parents worked REALLY hard with him on seeing the effect of his actions on other people. What we were doing was just helping his parents. But the combined message from everyone in the family did help too.

Personally, I would ignore the eye rolling and faces, and work with him on (a) being kind to his cousin and (b) tone of voice. Luckily, your dd is in a stage developmentally where she doesn't get sarcasm and put downs unless it's really blatant. But, calling him on being mean to her is also sticking up for her. I wouldn't let it go unnoticed. Maybe just describing "that was a very rude thing to say." or "your voice sounds very rude right now. How can you change it to sound more polite?"

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#10 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 11:41 PM
 
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Sounds like he needs to connect with someone. There is a boy who's 6 that I know who everyone calls "obnoxious" and "bad", etc. Nobody seems to have any success getting through to him. You know what's funny? When I talk to him I look into his eyes and speak respectfully and calmly with a certain mix of warmth and gentle authority, and he really really respects me and listens to me. I am the only person I have ever seen him be this way with.

Please don't let him see that you think anything negative about him, or he will likely just grow into that identity.
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#11 of 11 Old 10-28-2006, 11:45 PM
 
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I have to add, also, that any attempts to "change" his behaviours probably won't work. He will likely either see it as a challenge to rebel against, or as patronizing.

Meet him at a heart level, and assume he wants to communicate in a healthy way deep down.
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