THE November 4 YO tribe ... - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 160 Old 12-04-2006, 03:29 PM
 
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Leah, I think counselor's are wonderful, now I used to scoff at them too but it would be nice if you could get her in and established and then insist that grandma continue during the transition, if it happens. It would get an impartial best interest of the child view advice giver involved as well as help her process some of the emotions she must be feeling.
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#152 of 160 Old 12-04-2006, 05:19 PM
 
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hey leah. i've been thinking about you.

ruby's thing lately is to get right in my face and yell "WHO CARES" when i have told her something.

i haven't firmly disciplined it cos i am just baffled and floored by it and just trying not to explode in the moment. i want to pretend it is no big deal silly so she will just give it up, rather than me freaking out.

leah, you have done a wonderful job with julianna. you would know now, for future instances, to reconsider this lengthy courtship thing with the grandmother. for the sake of julianna. but this getting to know them was also for you. it gives you time and less mystery about where she is going. some counseling would be a good thing. i wish there could be an intermediary, a different social worker to really figure things out.

as for her pregnancy, you could just tell them that she grew in your heart.

------it's just frustrating for me inside because I begin to think that her behavior is a reflection of how I have parented her------

well, now that is a well written statement! it basically sums up how i tend attack myself about my own parenting. if ruby is any indication, it is also the age.

her behaviour is understandable, and your position is tricky and delicate. or not. she is too young to understand all the stuff going on. she just sees as do you love and accept her or not. you can be overwhelmingly declaring you are her mother forever to yourself and your family. in many ways you already are, it is the fear of hurt of losing her that stops you from fulfilling this role and the intelligent knowledge of possibilities. and yes, if you do emotionally commit as complete mamma, she will be very bewildered that you gave her up and be very hurt and probably very confused and angry at you for a long time. but she will not be confused about whether you love her because she can detect some kind of hesitation due to circumstances, and this waiting period could be different. she just needs you to say that you will be her mamma forever, which is hard to say, but in the end will be true.

I DON"T KNOW WHICH WAY IS BETTER. the way you have been going, being as truthful as you see possible, has been truly fine, i couldn't have done any better, but with your pg, it seems very hard to stand or you are naturally more emotional and she can sense all these changes. i think unconsciously she is trying to get you to reject her, she is testing you because she feels unsure.

that sounds very big but really, i have clay and ruby doing the same thing in their own form. they are not as mature as they can talk.

this will be the second time this week i have really flapped my opinion. if it is not wanted, please say so and i will quit it. i just want things to be easier for you, i want you to find some sense of peace in you about what is going on.

love you.
casina
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#153 of 160 Old 12-04-2006, 06:05 PM
 
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Hey I just wanted to send everyone a big I feel like we all need one~ I know i do. things w/ razi haven't been exactly great (or even good) either lately. and rajani is sick and can barely breath out of her nose

casina~you've asked me a few ?'s lately and i feel bad that i haven't responded...first, i am sooo okay on clothes!, lol! lots of people have given us bags of hand-me-down (my favorite since all the nasty stuff in new clothes is washed out) but thank you so much for thinking of me and asking
sling stuff~ i've worked out the kink or at least for now i did

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#154 of 160 Old 12-04-2006, 07:16 PM
 
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sarita, you both look so beautiful!
im sorry to hear about her being sick.. its no fun at all.. steam helps for that..
and she looks sooo cute in the hat i knit

 

 

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#155 of 160 Old 12-04-2006, 07:27 PM
 
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Fern~ i loooove the hat so much! it has been super cold here so perfect timing. i'm sure i'll be getting more sizes later :
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#156 of 160 Old 12-04-2006, 09:15 PM
 
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Thanks, Casina.

I believe that most of her issues are 'testing', to see how far she can go. "How much can I get away with and have you still love me?" And she probably does sense a certain amount of detachment on my part because I keep going back and forth- one minute nobody wants her and she's staying with me forever, then the mext minute I have to prepare myself for the possibility of her leaving- so I have to sort of prepare myself emotionally. I try not to, but I find myself doing it anyway. Never outwardly obvious or anything, but in little ways I feel myself trying to slip away. She must be picking up on it, and now I feel terrible. Of course I love her more than anything- there was a time when I was content to not have any more babies and just raise my boy and girl "twins"... Until her Grandma stepped forward out of nowhere, that is. And no, this new baby is in no way a 'replacement' for Julianna. But I do think it might help keep be busy if Julianna does end up leaving in the spring...

So, anyhoo... My back hurts and my tooth hurts- but Julianna has been relatively good today.

Leah coolshine.gif adoptionheart-1.gif homebirth.jpg

Hubby guitar.gif, ds (11) REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, adopted dd (10) notes2.gif, dd (6) dust.gif, dd (1) femalesling.GIF & 3 foster dd's wheelchair.gif upsidedown.gif diaper.gif  

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#157 of 160 Old 12-05-2006, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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leah~ is there any way that you could talk directly with the grama? tell her how you feel this is effecting julianna, and tell her to come to all the appointments, or none, and let julianna grow up with stability..

how do you feel about native culture? that is why they want her back, right? To be with the tribe, and learn the traditional ways... maybe there is a way to make a compromise.. maybe she could learn about her tribe and what they do/did (respecting earth and it's creatures, great spirit...) so she can have some appreciation for that. I don't know. I hope for the best for little julianna

sarita~ beautiful sling, mama, and baby!

does someone else want to take over the new thread deal, cause I'm not really up to it right now?
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#158 of 160 Old 12-05-2006, 01:20 AM
 
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#159 of 160 Old 12-05-2006, 01:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DecemberSun View Post
So I hope you understand that I am as patient as I can be with Julianna when she has her little "behaviors", it's just frustrating for me inside because I begin to think that her behavior is a reflection of how I have parented her. When is fact it is probably a reflection of the turmoil taking place in her little heart.
as a relatively new person here (just found you all a few months ago) I'm finally piecing your family situation together! IKWYM about getting triggered by thinking the behaviors are my fault. your last sentence there, though, is the truth, as you obviously know. I find it is harder to keep my heart open to the sadness and grief I feel when looking at the truth-- they hurt, and we can't always fix it-- than to just get mad and blame my child : I'm re-reading Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles right now, regaining some of my perspective on the fact that there is always some need underlying the behavior that pushes my buttons SO MUCH! we've been dealing with major rudeness lately too; my mom has (thankfully) said, "yeah, that's something they all have to go through." whew! especially since a lot has been directed at her! he's yelling at people, saying shutup a lot, growling, etc. we're just sticking with the old "you can feel this way, but do this, because we don't (fill in the blank)." I don't know how long it will take, but so far I'm still hoping it will eventually sink in...

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Originally Posted by DecemberSun View Post
We had a Lightning McQueen cake and Zach got lots of cool presents- my friends and family actually listened to me when I told them not to buy him junk! He got some quarters to save for gumballs
this sounds like my little guy! he is all about the gumball machines-- food lion is his favorite grocery store because of their gumball selection! we had a "just family" party because we haven't made many friends for him around here yet (he was sooo disappointed when he found out no kids were coming ). he got the Cars movie and would have looooved a lightning mcqueen cake! instead daddy insisted on making a very grown-up italian cream cake, which was very yummy, to me anyway! I can't believe he's FOUR...

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#160 of 160 Old 12-08-2006, 07:54 PM
 
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julia, come find us in the new thread!
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