Join Date: Sep 2006
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I have been here, my son is now 13 but when he was younger he did lie sometimes. And there were times that other kids took advantage of that and would blame him for things he didn't do. And the teacher (or whoever) did not question it. Sometimes I would tell him, you know I am sure there were things you did that you never got caught for, or had any consequences for so maybe you can just consider this balance of the karma. It still makes him really mad to be blamed for something he did not do, but I think that contributed helping him stop to lie. He realized (finally) that nobody is going to believe him if he lies.
Well we struggled HARD from about age 6 till about a year or year and a half a go (he will be 14 in January). He was also stealing. His impulse control was very very low. When things would happen to him (like when his x-box was stolen) we would talk about how it feels and how others must feel when their things are stolen. When he would get accused of things he did not do, he would be so offended, so upset. I would talk to him about what creditability means. We would talk about what it takes to build trust. I think something must have finally clicked when his brain .... a cognitive hurdle and he finally got it. It amazes me how honest he is with me now.
Oh this is a hard one!!! I thought the 2's were hard until I had a preteen to deal with. We went through this big time when ds1 turned 10 and he's now almost 13. It is becoming less and less but wow what a mind blow.
You just have to take it as it comes. For me the biggest thing that gets me through these hard times is remembering that it is ds's life...and I don't need to take anything personally. That helps in so many ways. When you realize your kid is a person making the wrong choices...that he is experimenting with behaviors that are less than ideal...that he is seeing what he can get away with, what will happen when he lies and what will happen when he gets caught, it allows you to take things less personal and deal with the problems more contructively...without getting all mad.
ds stole this summer from a couple stores in town. I made him save up money to pay the stores back and he had to go in, confess what he did, say he was sorry, and give them the money for what he stole. And I stood beside him lovingly and supported him through it. It was all I could do. He knew what he did was wrong...knew I didn't approve...and knew that I still loved and supported his higher good.
And now he knows that often we don't believe him because of all the lying he has done in his past. I think it humbles him. He realizes. And your guy will too.
It's hard. I know. But just stick with what you are doing, love him regardless, stand firm on your beliefs, ... Also make sure he's getting the good attention for the good things too. Often preteen boys start to pull away and it's easy to forget that you haven't held them or kissed them in a long time. They still need this! Probably more than anyone at this age.
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