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The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties

10K views 145 replies 68 participants last post by  BetsyNY 
#1 ·
I see alot of Birthday threads where the Mom is asking how to delicately ask the Guests not to bring gifts to their kids Birthday Party or give alternatives as to what they CAN bring.

Why has this become the norm?

What happened to simple days when your Guests could just bring whatever they wanted to bring?

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

When DS is invited to someone's Birthday Party, I am genuinely excited for that Child and I spend a great deal of time and effort finding out what he/she would like for their Birthday.

And DS enjoys giving the gift to the Birthday Child.

Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all.

I just don't think it's fair to put all these "restrictions" on the Guests who want to just celebrate with your child on that special day and in doing so, giving them a gift without restrictions.

Just my .02 cents.
 
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#79 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.
It's one thing when someone asks you what gift should we bring to say, "well really just bring yourself there's nothing dd needs except to celebrate her birthday with friends." It's another to put "no gifts" on invitations. One is being honest and gracious the other is assuming that people feel your child's birthday is a gift trolling event. Also judging from some of the comments some people might feel that you would only give their child plastic crap so don't bother.

If your friends share your values then you don't need to put "no gifts" on an invite. They will understand the spirit of the party you are throwing. I don't know birthday parties seems like a good opportunity to teach children how to be gracious hosts or hostesses.
 
#80 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!

I'm not sure you're reading my posts, or if you simply don't understand. So I'll go ahead and quote myself
:

"I think it's perfectly fine to spread the word verbally among friends that gifts are not necessary, or that you love books, or that your child is adding to his collection of little horses if one askes. But demands have no place on an invitation".
 
#81 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lisalou View Post
It's one thing when someone asks you what gift should we bring to say, "well really just bring yourself there's nothing dd needs except to celebrate her birthday with friends." It's another to put "no gifts" on invitations. One is being honest and gracious the other is assuming that people feel your child's birthday is a gift trolling event. Also judging from some of the comments some people might feel that you would only give their child plastic crap so don't bother.

If your friends share your values then you don't need to put "no gifts" on an invite. They will understand the spirit of the party you are throwing. I don't know birthday parties seems like a good opportunity to teach children how to be gracious hosts or hostesses.
Exactly.
 
#83 ·
We have had a no-gifts party for all of dd's birthdays. I do not really care if it is rude or not. Offended? Don't come. It is not about disapproving of toys or not getting the kinds we want. It is about living a simple life. Dd has WAY more toys than she needs and I see no reason to contribute to this society's consumeristic attitude and environmental problems just to make a check mark in my ettiquette book. Not to mention many of our friends are broke and I do not want them to have to worry about spending money to come to our little cookout. Dd has always had giftless parties and has never been to a party that had gifts so she is not aware that she is missing out on a glut of presents. When that day comes, we will discuss it and then decide how to proceed with her consent. At this point she is just happy to have the attention of all of her friends (chlidren and adults), eat cake, and play until the wee hours of the night.
 
#84 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I completely agree. Which is why we feel comfortable discussing our values with our friends. Why have them as friends if we can't act upon our values around them? I'm not forcing my values on anyone. If someone doesn't like the fact that we are having a "no gift" party, they don't have to come.

I don't feel like a spoiled child who grew up to be a demanding adult. I feel like a child who was raised with a good set of values who grew up to have concern for the earth and its inhabitants and realizes that conspicuous consumption and materialism are not going to get us anywhere good.

If you want people to bring gifts for your kid's party, great! Knock yourself out! I have no problem with that. Not everyone feels that way, though, and I honestly don't understand the hostility toward those who would rather have your kids come play with their kids instead of spending money on them.

Namaste!
And here's the heart of the matter. You don't *really* think that my way and your way are both equally fine--you think that your way is right and my way is wrong. The way you set this up makes it sound like if you're WILLING to accept toys in the spirit in which they are given, it's a poor statement on the party-thrower and her family. Good values, in your words, means agreeing with you and doing things your way. And frankly, *that's* what my "hostility" (I'll say "contention") is directed at. I

Yes, *some* of my friends have similar values...but others don't! I have a whole spectrum of friends, some of whom are very ecologically conscious and "green," and others who thought nothing of bringing the biggest, fattest battery-operated hunk of plastic with so much packaging it made my head spin.
: But they're all our friends, and everyone gave according to their own values.
 
#86 ·
I personally don't mind no gift parties...easier for me...however the host should not ASK guests to bring a specific thing. For example don't ask people to bring wooden Thomas train. If any of the guests comes forward and ask you what your child is into...of course you can answer them and say oh my child has shown a great interest in trains. If they don't ask its rude to to state on an invitation.
 
#87 ·
I kind of feel like there is some sort of contradiction in putting "no gifts" on invites for a birthday party b/c you don't want to pass one consumer culture but you invite tons of people. What kind of parties are you having where there isn't consumer culture inherent in them as well besides the gift thing?

I think I'm just at a loss about this b/c if we wanted no gifts for dd and we generally do, we just follow the simple rule of only inviting her age plus 1 to her birthday. Frankly anymore than that for her at this age becomes less a party to celebrate her birthday and more a party to show her off.
 
#88 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Yooper View Post
We have had a no-gifts party for all of dd's birthdays. I do not really care if it is rude or not. Offended? Don't come. It is not about disapproving of toys or not getting the kinds we want. It is about living a simple life. Dd has WAY more toys than she needs and I see no reason to contribute to this society's consumeristic attitude and environmental problems just to make a check mark in my ettiquette book. Not to mention many of our friends are broke and I do not want them to have to worry about spending money to come to our little cookout. Dd has always had giftless parties and has never been to a party that had gifts so she is not aware that she is missing out on a glut of presents. When that day comes, we will discuss it and then decide how to proceed with her consent. At this point she is just happy to have the attention of all of her friends (chlidren and adults), eat cake, and play until the wee hours of the night.
I agree that too much is too much, and I agree there are some terrible production and pollution problems, but not embracing the thoughtfulness of others doesn't help that. There's no reason we can't kindly share out thoughts with friends, rather than putting odd commentary on invitations.

I've seen, esp at MDC over the years, gchildren kept from gparents, or huge arguments that cause gigantic family rifts over things like whether a child should recieve a plastic toy or eat a sugar cookie at gma's. I do think it's frustrating when gparents or friends don't see things exactly as we do, but kindness and understanding go a long way to helping each other see things differently.

Loving friends and parents should transcend whether someone gives a child a Barbie or a My Little Pony, or a gift when someone said "No gifts". If you expect others not to be offended at your invitations commentary, I don't see why they should not be offended in return if you get angry that they wanted to give a child they cared about a gift.

There is so much anger here...and anger isn't the way to heal the world. The most lofty ideals don't do much if it means thinking it's ok to be unkind to others who are trying to be kind.
 
#90 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
And here's the heart of the matter. You don't *really* think that my way and your way are both equally fine--you think that your way is right and my way is wrong
I was unaware that you could look straight into my heart and know my true thoughts and feelings.


My way is right for MY FAMILY. Your way is right for YOUR FAMILY. Honestly, I really don't care what you do for your kid's birthday party. It's YOUR KID. My kids are MY KIDS, and we will celebrate according to our family's values. It actually is completely fine with me if you have different values for your kid's party. I like to discuss this stuff, but I truly don't get very invested in what other people on message boards do.



Namaste!
 
#91 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lisalou View Post
I kind of feel like there is some sort of contradiction in putting "no gifts" on invites for a birthday party b/c you don't want to pass one consumer culture but you invite tons of people. What kind of parties are you having where there isn't consumer culture inherent in them as well besides the gift thing?

I think I'm just at a loss about this b/c if we wanted no gifts for dd and we generally do, we just follow the simple rule of only inviting her age plus 1 to her birthday. Frankly anymore than that for her at this age becomes less a party to celebrate her birthday and more a party to show her off.
I also think that if one is only inviting good friends it wouldn't be important to tell them what to do. You love them, they know you, you love them, why the need for rules. A friend will understand a simple "Please just bring yourself'. OTOH, a friend may really like your child and want to bring something they kow they will enjoy. When I think of the children I care about, I think about what they might really enjoy.

OTOH, if a good friend tells me no gifts, I won't bring one-- we never exchange gifts with out playgroup friends, although some children paint pictures, and once a 4 yr old made a darling little 'doll' out of a piece of felt and roving wool. We've also given used toys & books. (From our own homes). We've never put anything on the invitations, however. We just said it at playgroup a million years ago.
 
#92 ·
This is not specifically about children's parties but my mom once went to a baby shower for a very *rich* woman and her invitation said, "Your presence is present enough".
I thought that was a nice, tactful way to put it. Maybe that would be a nicer way to put it on a child's invitation too. Sounds more pleasant than no gifts please, imo.
 
#93 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by calmom View Post
This is not specifically about children's parties but my mom once went to a baby shower for a very *rich* woman and her invitation said, "Your presence is present enough".
I thought that was a nice, tactful way to put it. Maybe that would be a nicer way to put it on a child's invitation too. Sounds more pleasant than no gifts please, imo.
I could go there. It's a lot nicer that "Only wooden toys, please" which really translates into "Not the crappy stuff people usually buy".
 
#94 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom View Post
Really?

Yes, really. I don't think it's OK to be rude to people because you think you're right. It's not OK to say "no plastic toys, please" even if plastic is bad for the environment. It's not OK to say "organic food only, please" even if organic food is better for you and for the earth. I'm not saying you should turn a deaf ear to the rantings of a bigot because you must be "polite," but when it comes to people giving you things, you accept the gift in the spirit which it was intended.
 
#95 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I was unaware that you could look straight into my heart and know my true thoughts and feelings.


Namaste!


I was interpreting your words. The ones you WROTE. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your sarcasm to yourself.

And if you don't like it, don't come...how does that teach kids how to be gracious?
 
#96 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post


I was interpreting your words. The ones you WROTE. I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your sarcasm to yourself.
If it were sarcasm I would've used a sarcastic smiley. This was a laughing smiley. You interpreted my words incorrectly. I said just what I meant.

Quote:
And if you don't like it, don't come...how does that teach kids how to be gracious?
I'm not talking about teaching my kids to be gracious. I said that in response to the idea that those of us who ask for no gifts are forcing our values on others. If we say no gifts and you bring one anyway just because you want to, how is that not forcing your values on us? If you feel you simply can't abide by our desire for our party, your choices are pretty much: 1) Suck it up and come anyway, 2) Disregard our choice, 3) Don't come.

I get the feeling that you are going to look for something rude or snarky in everything I say from here on out. I'd like to ask that you take my words at face value instead of trying to read things into them.

Namaste!
 
#97 ·
Maybe I just think etiquette rules are sort of Victorian or out of date. I think people write books saying "Gift registries are rude" or "You shouldn't put gift restrictions" just because they want to sell books. It doesn't mean any of us have to believe what the "ettiquette experts" say. I don't think it's rude at all when someone lets me know (on the invitation if they want to) what their child would like. Actually, I'm overjoyed by it because I get joy out of giving the child something he will actually play with - I'm giving him a little joy and that makes me happy. Sure, it's your "right" as a gift giver to give something the child will not like at all, never play with, throw away, be disgusted with, or that the parents will put out by the curb tomorrow, but why would anyone want to give a gift like that? And this word of mouth stuff, that's quaint and sweet and all, but that doesn't make it better. It's just a made up rule, that's all.

Maybe I think gift restrictions aren't rude because people where I live are pretty laid back. I mean, do people where you all live actually ever send you a thank you note? I've sent plenty, but I have never received one. But I don't think people are being rude, it's just not something that's commonly done. So I think "proper etiqutte" can't possibly be one right way throughout the entire country. Gift registries are done 100% of the time for weddings and baby showers here - but I have never once thought that could even possibly be offensive. I've never been offended, it's just totally normal. So maybe everybody here was just raised in a different envoirnment and that's why some people are so dead set that it's offensive and others can't understand how it could possibly be offensive.
 
#98 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom View Post
Maybe I just think etiquette rules are sort of Victorian or out of date. I think people write books saying "Gift registries are rude" or "You shouldn't put gift restrictions" just because they want to sell books. It doesn't mean any of us have to believe what the "ettiquette experts" say. I don't think it's rude at all when someone lets me know (on the invitation if they want to) what their child would like. Actually, I'm overjoyed by it because I get joy out of giving the child something he will actually play with - I'm giving him a little joy and that makes me happy. Sure, it's your "right" as a gift giver to give something the child will not like at all, never play with, throw away, be disgusted with, or that the parents will put out by the curb tomorrow, but why would anyone want to give a gift like that? And this word of mouth stuff, that's quaint and sweet and all, but that doesn't make it better. It's just a made up rule, that's all.

Maybe I think gift restrictions aren't rude because people where I live are pretty laid back. I mean, do people where you all live actually ever send you a thank you note? I've sent plenty, but I have never received one. But I don't think people are being rude, it's just not something that's commonly done. So I think "proper etiqutte" can't possibly be one right way throughout the entire country. Gift registries are done 100% of the time for weddings and baby showers here - but I have never once thought that could even possibly be offensive. I've never been offended, it's just totally normal. So maybe everybody here was just raised in a different envoirnment and that's why some people are so dead set that it's offensive and others can't understand how it could possibly be offensive.
:

Namaste!
 
#99 ·
Wow...I'm not reading into anything. You were being sarcastic. And instead of apologizing, you're saying you weren't being sarcastic. So you really think I can look into your heart?

The second part of my statement was not directed at you, it was Yooper I believe who said don't like it, don't come. But for the record, if I received an invitation with "no gifts please" on the invite, I wouldn't bring anything. It's not something I myself would do, but if I disregard the host's request, then *I'm* in breach of etiquette.
 
#100 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
Wow...I'm not reading into anything. You were being sarcastic. And instead of apologizing, you're saying you weren't being sarcastic. So you really think I can look into your heart?
I'm not sure of the technical distinction between being sarcastic and making a joke, but my intention was to make a joke, that's all. I was trying to lighten the mood.

Namaste!
 
#101 ·
From Wikipedia's article on etiquette -

Quote:
One can reasonably view etiquette as the minimal politics required to avoid major conflict in polite society, and as such, an important aspect of applied ethics.
If avoiding major conflict in polite society is quaint and Victorian, I can't tell you how sad I find that.

The funny thing is the rules of etiquette for parties actually are for what you're attempting to do by putting "no gifts" on the invite. The only party where gifts are required is a shower since it's to shower whoever with gifts. There are no gifts required for any other party, wedding, birthday or whatever. So I would hope you would see that the basis of not putting any sort of gift wish or requirement on an invite comes from this belief. By putting something about gifts on an invitation to a party where gifts aren't required you're implying that you felt gifts were required. This goes for the non-consumerist no gifts person to the selfish bride to be that puts cash gifts only. To me, personally putting whatever your gift wish is on the invite just I don't know makes it feel the party has an ulterior motive whether it's to show me how great your are b/c you don't want presents for your child or if you're using it as fundraiser to pay for your wedding. Doesn't mean I won't respect your wishes, just makes me a little sad that parties are viewed this way.

You should understand many people through etiquette or how they were raised feel it's impolite to show up at someone's house without something. It's part of their appreciation for being invited to dinner or a birthday party or whatever. I would never show up at someone's house empty handed. I would also never expect you to open my gift then and there or serve the wine I brought to dinner or replace your centerpiece with the flowers I brought. My gifts are to show my appreciation rather than for you to tell my how wonderful I am for having brought whatever.
 
#102 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
Just want to add . . .I may start doing the gift-opening after the party, when the guests are gone. It eliminates all sorts of problems, IMO.
Well, under the title of "you can't please everyone"
, dd would be very upset if the present she brought was not opened in her presence. She puts a lot of thought into choosing gifts, and her joy is seeing the recipient open it. She'd get over it, though.

I have to say that, reading this thread, I can't imagine having any true ill feelings about a child's birthday party invitation from dear friends. Whether they ask for no gifts, or a certain kind of gift.....whether they follow etiquette or not....whether they open gifts in our presence or not....whether they send thank you notes or not.......it isn't about us. It is about celebrating the birthday of a child we care about. I am wondering if all of this concern over etiquette and gifts comes from inviting people who aren't truly friends?
 
#103 ·
I'm with Benji's Mom in that ettiquette is different in different areas of the country. However, I would say that, for me, "ettiquette" is anything that is common sense courtesy. For example, you don't spit on people; you apologize if you step on their foot; you say 'please' and 'thank you'. Things beyond that are not really "ettiquette" in my book, they are social mores (pronounced "morays") - strongly held norms or customs. Just because never going to someone's home empty-handed is a custom where one person comes from, doesn't mean it is for someone else. If another person is ignorant of that custom, are they being rude to show up empty-handed?

So, while bringing gifts to a birthday party is not a requirement, it is a social more. For that reason, it IS necessary to somehow indicate that no gifts are desired, since the default assumption, and custom, is to bring gifts to birthdays.
 
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