Oh My G*D! 16yo boy asks my 3.5yo ds to - UPDATE in post 129 - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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oh Steph.... I've been thinking so much about you & your fam.

Wishing you continued strength, courage, support & peace.

btw, I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but would it be worth looking in to taking your ds to a child psychologist, therapist, etc who has experience in the area & might be able to help figure out if there is any fantasy? I am glad that you're going to report it & happy that your ds doesn't not seem traumatized at all, but just thought it might be useful to have some professional input.

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#122 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:24 AM
 
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You are a strong and courageous mama. I imagine the hardest part of reporting would be acknowledging that it is likely true. The reality of what that means (and especially COULD have meant) for your ds must be heartbreaking I don't blame you for taking some time to reflect on the whole thing before deciding what to do, that is often the best course of action in a difficult situation.

Good for you for deciding to report. I wish you and your family much strength during this trying time


 

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#123 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peilover010202 View Post
Thank you all for not giving up on me After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#124 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 02:20 AM
 
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I was thinking about this and your son is not yet 4 right? Well many toddlers around that age are not able to articulate themselves well enough to explain situations like this, what if this 16 year old is targeting that age group for that specific reason and that is why there haven't been other complaints???

I am glad that you are going to report this, hopefully that young man will get some type of treatment, it is obvious that he has had a troubled childhood, so even if it wasn't meant THAT way, he probably still needs it.

edited to add, not all children have an open relationship with their parents, I wouldn't have been able to come to my parents about something like that.
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#125 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 10:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peilover010202 View Post
Thank you all for not giving up on me After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...

I had vowed not to come back to this thread because I was so sick over it but I am glad I did to read that you had of change of heart. I know this hard is so hard and I credit you for recognizing that no matter how hard it is you are doing the right thing. THANK YOU!

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#126 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 11:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
mama . . .doing the right thing isn't always easy-- why do you think so many people don't report it?

Peace and love to your family!
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Thank you for being courageous during this difficult time!
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#127 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 11:59 AM
 
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Good for you! I know it's difficult.

Remember, when you suspect abuse, it's not your responsibility to act as judge and jury and make a final determination before you turn to the authorities for help - your job is just to report it if you have a concern.

Regardless of the outcome, you've done the right thing.
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#128 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:26 PM
 
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You are doing the right thing.

Please give us an update when you can

Midwifery Student and Mama to 2 daughters and 3 sons.     
ribboncesarean.gif vbac.gifhomebirth.jpg I have given birth a variety of ways and I am thankful for what each one has taught me.

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#129 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away. I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.

Steph, wife to C, mama to O :, E , and I :.
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#130 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:38 PM
 
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You did the right thing, mama, despite what those around you think. Thank you for being so courageous.

addicted, homeschooling, freelancing mama to DS 8. Pet mama to Harvey the Wonder Mutt :, Pnut: and Autumn : Oh, yeah, and
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#131 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:51 PM
 
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This might be repetitive--I haven't read all the posts--but your move to report this has so many positive outcomes and only one negative one. I am guessing that, if the authorities are responsible and caring, they will see that the 16-yr-old needs counseling and care. Even if L loses her current livelihood, you may be saving many children from sexual abuse and permanent psychological damage. Therapy for the 16-yr-old might prevent him from more serious violations in the future. You did the right thing.


Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202 View Post
Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away. I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.
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#132 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 01:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202 View Post
Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away. I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.
Steph,
As a victim of abuse, i thank you for your courage. Your son surely has a trustworthy Mama. You are doing what so many people won't... believe your little one and be willing to take such a difficult step to protect them and others.

I am sorry you don't have support irl, but you absolutely have it here

Midwifery Student and Mama to 2 daughters and 3 sons.     
ribboncesarean.gif vbac.gifhomebirth.jpg I have given birth a variety of ways and I am thankful for what each one has taught me.

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#133 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 02:26 PM
 
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Wow. Just wow. :

Mama, I am so glad you reported these incidents. I read the entire seven pages of this thread and my heart is just breaking for you. What a difficult thing for you and your family. You are a brave woman who obviously loves her family very much. It was the right thing to do, so please have no doubt that it was.

My dh is a clinical social worker/psychtherapist and works with a lot of kids who have been abused. Based on what dh has told me about these kids(he sees mostly middle school age kids), I would recommend a therapist for your ds. (the kids dh works with though, have been in severe, serial abuse situations, so it's a bit different than your ds's situation) Even though the incidents your ds told you about might seem minor, it has obviously affected him in that he thinks he was "bad" and doesn't want to talk about it. You can often find therapists who will do play therapy. And any good therapist will not "make" your ds talk about it until he is ready and likely not in the first several visits.

Whatever the outcome of this situation you are in, I wish you luck and strength. You are a very courageous woman.
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#134 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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You did the right thing though it wasn't easy. I'm sad that you don't have support in RL but you know you have it here at MDC.

I'm sorry about my words earlier. I don't have personal experience with abuse but I do have someone very close to me who has been molested as a child and your story brought up a lot of emotions in me. I'm sorry if I came off as harsh.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
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#135 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 03:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202 View Post
Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away. I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.
One step at a time, mama. I can't imagine how overwhelming this is for your family. I know that you did the right thing and I know that you know that you did the right thing. Please keep us updated. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

, , , mama to Ross , Reagan (8/29/05), Joshua (from Haiti...here NOW due to the earthquake!), and Elijah , born safely 9-8-09.
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#136 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 04:23 PM
 
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I was so sick reading this thread... watching you go back and forth between reporting and not... If I had a kid in daycare and later found out that someone else who used that daycare had been in your position and done nothing.... what if my baby was next, you know? It is all about the helpless little kids.

I am glad you reported it. The 16 year old is behaving exactly like a sexual abuser would, I agree with everyone on that. The least that needs to happen is for there to be a report on file, hopefully the 16 year old will get help and NOT turn into a full-fledged abuser. I feel for him, but I feel even more for which ever other kids he has already abused. There is no reason to believe your son is his first.

Thank you for reporting this. It will probably end up as a complaint on record and nothing more, but when the kid tries again he will more likely be caught.
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#137 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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#138 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 05:02 PM
 
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I am so relieved to hear you reported this -- for so many reasons....
  • For your child's sake: if he remembers later in life what the teenager did he will also likely remember that his parents stood up for him (YES!)
  • For other kids' sakes: this may prevent the teenager from becoming a perpetrator against other innocent young children
  • For the teenager: you may have saved him from a life which he does not want to live but may feel hopeless to stop.
Perhaps the teenager was victimized? This isn't to say you should feel bad for him or guilty for reporting -- reporting was absolutely the best possible thing to have done for all involved & I am proud of you!

(((((HUGS)))))
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#139 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 05:07 PM
 
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Just wanted to give you a big .
I can only imagine how hard this is.
You are doing the right thing.
Just imagine the abuse on some innocent child you could be stopping.
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#140 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 08:02 PM
 
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I just want to say thank you! I know it was hard to do and will still be hard to go through interviews, etc.

If others are not supportive of protecting children tell them you don't wish to discuss it with them!

You spoke up for the innocent who can't speak for themselves...you are fighting for the helpless.
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#141 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 08:11 PM
 
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You did the correct thing. My brother works as a counselor in the prison system with sex offenders. From talking with him, most, if not all of them were abused themselves. Hopefully by reporting this the sixteen year old can get help and maybe even change before he is too far gone. Think of all the other children you have saved from being abused. It sucks that they need to interview your DS, but with such a great support system and a loving and caring family I know he will get through this.
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#142 of 157 Old 01-18-2007, 08:49 PM
 
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when I was molested by my sisters dad at the age of 5, I had to speak with the police. It really helped me that I was able to show them with dolls what happened. That may make it easier for your son.

A therapist that specializes in play therapy may be helpful. My nieces really helped her out.

This may be a long process but I know you and your family can get through it. Some days will be harder than others but it will get better. s

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#143 of 157 Old 01-19-2007, 03:26 AM
 
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Yes, it may be a long process, but chances are it'll be shortened a great deal by reporting & facing it all now rather than later in life....
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#144 of 157 Old 01-19-2007, 11:11 AM
 
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First off, big fat hugs to you mama for everything you are going through.
I wanted to point something out- that another person posted:
Quote:
I think he asked those questions, because what happened made HIM feel "bad" inside, and because it felt wrong to him. I think kids can have pretty good instincts about this, about how certain people make them feel "icky" or wrong.
Kuddos to you for raising a child who is aware of his feelings enough to know when something isn't right. And just that is encouragement enough, in my opinion, to follow through and do what you are doing.
All my best.

Mama to 5 babies. UCer, too!
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#145 of 157 Old 01-19-2007, 11:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peilover010202 View Post
I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.
Yes, I would, too . . .but I wonder if someone on the abuse board can give you a local recommendation? In the meantime, the people on that board may be able to give you specific ideas as to how much/how little to talk to him about this now and what to say.


So many s for all of you, but I want to say THANK YOU for doing this. You have spared many children from-- I don't even want to think what.

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#146 of 157 Old 01-19-2007, 10:39 PM
 
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I also wanted to write in support for you and your family.

- Kerri
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#147 of 157 Old 01-19-2007, 10:50 PM
 
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I wanted to support and thank you for what you did.
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#148 of 157 Old 01-19-2007, 11:25 PM
 
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I wanted to say thank you as well, as someone who's life has been turned upside down because of people not reporting. It means more to me then I can say in 100,000 posts. I know this is hard but it really is the best thing to do.
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#149 of 157 Old 01-20-2007, 02:03 AM
 
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A family member was abused by a male babysitter (who was 14 or 15) when she was 3 1/2 or 4. My sister reported it, they interviewed them all.

They got counseling, and the child recovered very well. The offender got counseling, and I hope the help he needed. The mom was the one who took the longest to heal, I think. The child in question is now nearly an adult and doing very well. Smart, healthy, great self image, great trust in her parents.

So, while this is a hard time, you've done the hardest bit. It takes real courage for you to do what's right when all around you are saying "don't".

Counseling for you and your son is a great idea.

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#150 of 157 Old 01-20-2007, 02:50 AM
 
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Hugs to you and your family. You did the right thing, and the hardest!

Ilaria mamma to Owen, Caroline & Patrick .... loving life as expats in Asia intactlact.gifnovaxnocirc.gifuc.jpgnamaste.gif
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