4 year old bully girl - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 02:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
junamoss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in a really loud house
Posts: 133
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am the mom of a bully. I don't know what to do with her. We have always been gentle. I don't know if I can be anymore. She hits, kicks and spits and tries to hurt feelings. Some days are better. Today is horrible.

I was watching a friend's dd and Thea couldn't control her anger...and then went for the emotional meanness and was trying to hurt her feelings. I am so sad for her.
junamoss is offline  
#2 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 03:28 PM
 
Demeter9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,367
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Some may not agree with this, but I would send her to play by herself in her room with the caveat that she can come play when she's ready to treat others better.
Demeter9 is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 04:28 PM
 
sunnmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: surrounded by love
Posts: 6,447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dd had a lot of bullying behaviors when she was 4. I got better at 5, but a couple of ideas:

Read the book The Bully, they Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. She has great ideas, and helps us understand the motivation for the behaviors. One idea I got from there was to assure dd that she was a good person, and that I *knew* she could treat her friend well--even when she was upset.

Also, while I am sure you are not calling your dd a bully, it might be helpful to change your language (even if just to yourself/here). The behavior is bullying, but your dd is not a bully. She is a good person, doing the best she can with her limited resources. She needs help so that she can do better.
sunnmama is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 04:54 PM
 
fw221's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 951
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I became aware when my daughter was very young, that she has a tendancy to bully other kids. The good things about it: She's a natural leader and she has no trouble standing up for herself. These are such great traits in an adult that I don't want to squash them while she's little.

Instead, we spent a LOT of time talking about why she hits/kicks/pushes/lashes out verbally at other kids. We worked hard on her learning to recognize her anger and turn away/walk away when she starts feeling frustrated. She's turned into quite the tattle-tale at school, but it's better than punching boys in the nose. She's 5.5 now, and hasn't hit any kids since right before she turned 5.
fw221 is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
junamoss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in a really loud house
Posts: 133
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
Also, while I am sure you are not calling your dd a bully, it might be helpful to change your language (even if just to yourself/here). The behavior is bullying, but your dd is not a bully. She is a good person, doing the best she can with her limited resources. She needs help so that she can do better.
I am just coming to terms with her bully behavior. My 10 year old didn't prepare me for this.

I think I called her a bully once. She cried so hard. And she stopped the nasty behavior for a minute.

Thanks for the book advice.
We went to the Doc to talk about her behavior and she told me that my daughter would be a great adult, but really didn't give much advice for getting her to adulthood.
junamoss is offline  
#6 of 6 Old 05-02-2007, 04:53 PM
 
greeny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Thrift store (on half-price day)
Posts: 3,014
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My 4-year-old dd resorts to physical violence when she feels overwhelmed, cornered, or left-out. She used to be socially fearful (she'd cry and hide her face if another child tried to speak to her), and she's come a loooong way since then. Still, though, she feels intimidated often and uses aggression to overcome (or try to overcome) it.

One thing that helps us a lot is to give her words to express how she's feeling. We use words and phrases like "overwhelmed" and "need a break" and other terms that describe how she might be feeling. We help her figure out other ways to deal when she's feeling these things. (Like, if you feel overwhelmed playing with Sara, and you feel like hitting her, take a deep breath and leave the room for a little break instead.)

It's definitely not a cure-all, but it's helping little by little. I guess that understanding the motivation behind the bullying has helped us begin to make it better.

Good luck. It's hard to have a child who is pushed around, and hard too to have a child that's doing the pushing.

Mom to dd (8), ds (6), and dd (1)

greeny is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off