4 year old bully girl - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 03:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am the mom of a bully. I don't know what to do with her. We have always been gentle. I don't know if I can be anymore. She hits, kicks and spits and tries to hurt feelings. Some days are better. Today is horrible.

I was watching a friend's dd and Thea couldn't control her anger...and then went for the emotional meanness and was trying to hurt her feelings. I am so sad for her.
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#2 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 04:28 PM
 
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Some may not agree with this, but I would send her to play by herself in her room with the caveat that she can come play when she's ready to treat others better.
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#3 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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My dd had a lot of bullying behaviors when she was 4. I got better at 5, but a couple of ideas:

Read the book The Bully, they Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. She has great ideas, and helps us understand the motivation for the behaviors. One idea I got from there was to assure dd that she was a good person, and that I *knew* she could treat her friend well--even when she was upset.

Also, while I am sure you are not calling your dd a bully, it might be helpful to change your language (even if just to yourself/here). The behavior is bullying, but your dd is not a bully. She is a good person, doing the best she can with her limited resources. She needs help so that she can do better.
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#4 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 05:54 PM
 
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I became aware when my daughter was very young, that she has a tendancy to bully other kids. The good things about it: She's a natural leader and she has no trouble standing up for herself. These are such great traits in an adult that I don't want to squash them while she's little.

Instead, we spent a LOT of time talking about why she hits/kicks/pushes/lashes out verbally at other kids. We worked hard on her learning to recognize her anger and turn away/walk away when she starts feeling frustrated. She's turned into quite the tattle-tale at school, but it's better than punching boys in the nose. She's 5.5 now, and hasn't hit any kids since right before she turned 5.
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#5 of 6 Old 05-01-2007, 06:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
Also, while I am sure you are not calling your dd a bully, it might be helpful to change your language (even if just to yourself/here). The behavior is bullying, but your dd is not a bully. She is a good person, doing the best she can with her limited resources. She needs help so that she can do better.
I am just coming to terms with her bully behavior. My 10 year old didn't prepare me for this.

I think I called her a bully once. She cried so hard. And she stopped the nasty behavior for a minute.

Thanks for the book advice.
We went to the Doc to talk about her behavior and she told me that my daughter would be a great adult, but really didn't give much advice for getting her to adulthood.
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#6 of 6 Old 05-02-2007, 05:53 PM
 
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My 4-year-old dd resorts to physical violence when she feels overwhelmed, cornered, or left-out. She used to be socially fearful (she'd cry and hide her face if another child tried to speak to her), and she's come a loooong way since then. Still, though, she feels intimidated often and uses aggression to overcome (or try to overcome) it.

One thing that helps us a lot is to give her words to express how she's feeling. We use words and phrases like "overwhelmed" and "need a break" and other terms that describe how she might be feeling. We help her figure out other ways to deal when she's feeling these things. (Like, if you feel overwhelmed playing with Sara, and you feel like hitting her, take a deep breath and leave the room for a little break instead.)

It's definitely not a cure-all, but it's helping little by little. I guess that understanding the motivation behind the bullying has helped us begin to make it better.

Good luck. It's hard to have a child who is pushed around, and hard too to have a child that's doing the pushing.

Mom to dd (8), ds (6), and dd (1)

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