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Help - not even sure what to call this!

969 views 7 replies 8 participants last post by  GoodWillHunter 
#1 ·
I need some input from all of you. I haven't posted here for a long time, but always find that when I just don't know what to do, this is the best place to get advice!

My 5 1/2 year old DS and 3 year old DD were playing with friends today. They were all playing very quietly for some time up in DS's bedroom. Friends are 5 year old girl and 3 year old boy. I checked on them several times and so did the other parent. They were all dressed in pj's and said they were playing "house". We let them play upstairs and left them alone since they seemed to be having a great time.

Got a call from the other parent saying his DD told him they were touching each other - her vagina, his penis ect. and he said he just wanted to let me know that I might want to ask my DS what was going on. He said he didn't "make a big deal of it", just told DD that everyone should keep their clothes on when they play.

Don't know the dad very well yet. He seemed to feel as I do, that this is completely age appropriate play and that was that.

Talked to DS about keeping clothes on when friends are over, but I really didn't want to make him feel ashamed about what I consider perfectly normal, age appropriate exploration. Sad part is I think we live in such a messed up, sexually repressed culture that even innocent kids play feels suspect, and I am worried about what the other parent thinks or what his reaction would be if he heard the details of what they were doing. DS said she touched his penis, he touched her vagina and he really didn't want to talk about it, so who knows what actually happened.

Any advice on how to handle this with DS and with the other parent? My feeling is nothing more needs to be said, but I am not sure that I said the right thing to DS in the first place. I'd like to know what others would say if it was your child? To the child? To the other parent?

Thanks.
 
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#2 ·
i had a friend deal with a similar situation but it turned out the other child had been abused and/or seen a lot of sexual things up close, and there was a trial and her son had to give a statement. terrible. it sounds pretty innocent to me in your case. i would talk to the other parent in private. i think i would not speak with the child again, but if the situation repeats itself i might talk to ds again and possibly seek outside help (clergy, psychologist, counselor). i know that friend's mom recorded her child tell the story once so that he would not have to repeat it over and over to shame him. even if there was no criminal anything, it might help to ask him to just tell the story into the recorder so that it was said once and any further help involved could just listen to the story without making him repeat it. sorry this is so long and involved...my kids are the same age and your thread gave dh and i something to discuss. good luck. (i think it sounds normal, by the way)
 
#3 ·
Without knowing the other parent, I think it is impossible to judge. One neighbour of ours is making a big deal that our ds and another child kiss on the lips at age five. The other mom and I roll our eyes at this kind of sexualizing of kids' play. I also, however, make a point of telling my kids that what is acceptable at our house is not necessarily acceptable at other people's houses.

In your position, I'd make a play date with the other family for a neutral place, like the park or McD's or something like that and then let the kids play and see if the parents bring it up. If they don't address it, you can talk together about parenting in general and see if you are on the same wavelength or not. Then if you think you need to make the recorded statement, just for protection, go ahead, or just relax and let the kids play.
 
#4 ·
When I was around 5 or 6 there was a neighbor boy who always wanted me to engage in "touching" play with him. I was very uncomfortable with it and would refuse. He would continue to pressure me. I never did give in, but I hated it when he was outside playing. I would stay inside and play so he didn't see me and approach me. He lived right across the street and our parents were friends so they encouraged us to play together. I remember feeling so much pressure, fear and shame that I wanted him to move as far away from me as possible. I never told my parents, so I'm sure they wondered why I was always shy about going over there to play. I just hated it, but never felt I could tell my parents. I thought that I was in some way wrong, or immature, that perhaps every other kid was doing it and they would think I was a baby.

Looking back I wish I had told my mother. I wish that she had told me that my body was mine, and that it isn't okay for anyone to touch me without my permission, even if they are my age. I wish that I had known that saying no was my right and that I shouldn't have felt guilty.

If it was your friends dd that initially suggested it, or even if it was your son, perhaps he was unprepared for how he would feel. If it was her suggestion, he may feel dirty or guilty about it. If it was his idea, he may not have been prepared for the feelings that came after the pants were off. If he was uncomfortable with how he felt, that is fine, but he needs to know that those feelings are okay. I would talk to him about how his body is his, and he always has the right to say no to people touching his body. Let him know that friends don't touch other peoples private places.

To finish my story, that boy moved away about a year later -- I was never so happy, but it scared me for life -- and I never did let him touch me. It was the pressure and ridiculing that scared me. After I left my hometown he moved back there. My mom would tell me every so often that she ran into him. Everytime she mentioned his name I would get nauseaus. I still perceive him as some sort of pervert, even though it was a natural childhood thing and I'm sure he is a wonderful, loving person and parent. I just couldn't get past that easily.
 
#5 ·
Great post, Beth. Sorry to hear about your difficulties with the other kid.

I agree, I would talk with dd and ds about their feelings, talk with them about how their bodies are theirs and they don't need to let anyone touch them if they don't want to, and that friends don't touch other friends in their private places. I would also use it as an opportunity to reaffirm that if at any time they feel uncomfortable with something someone is saying or doing, they can always leave and tell mom or dad. Mom and dad are here to help them sort out tough situations and help them when they feel uncomfortable or scared.

Carolyn
 
#6 ·
I tend to have a very casual attitude about MOST parenting issues, but the idea of this makes me uncomfortable.

I don't mind if my kids explore their own bodies, but I don't want ANYONE else doing it. Not adults, not kids their own age. I can understand looking - hmm....yours is different than mine, but I would be really upset if my kids were touching the genitals of other kids and being touched themselves. I think it would be very confusing for me to tell them, "it's ok that Mikey touched your vagina, but don't ever let Mikey's dad touch you like that". Thus far I have told them that it's only OK for mom and dad and the ped. to touch them there (for medicinal reasons only!), and for them to touch themselves there.

However, I am probably jaded because when I was 5 I was molested by my best friends grandfather right in front of their whole family. He had me sit on his lap and made me spread my legs. Then he put his hand down my underwear and started rubbing me. He said "don't worry, I do this to my grandkids all the time, they like it". Now I had never been told not to let others touch me, but I knew it felt horrible and wrong. I said "I think I hear my mom calling me" and ran out of there as fast as I could. It was a terrible experience, it makes me feel sick to my stomach 23 years later.

So I am torn about how I would respond. While I wouldn't ever want to make my kids feel ashamed for natural curiousity, I would definitely tell them that other peoples genitals are not for touching.

I think you handled it well.
 
#7 ·
Wow. That's a toughie. JJmama, I think you handled it as best as possible.

Quote:
My feeling is nothing more needs to be said, but I am not sure that I said the right thing to DS in the first place. I'd like to know what others would say if it was your child? To the child? To the other parent?
I agree, it seems like nothing else needs to be said. What are you worried about regarding what you said to your ds? What would you have said differently?

Keep your emotions in check when talking to your ds about this. That's helpful. Same with the other parent, if it comes up again. The dad might not ever bring it up again.

If the kids play together again, they shouldn't play alone. At least for a few months.

I agree, playing doctor, comparing parts and even touching is normal curiosity. It's to be expected at this age. But that doesn't make it ok. Temper tantrums are normal but we discourage them, too. Teaching your child ownership of his/her body is a great gift.
 
#8 ·
I agree with the feelings a situation like this brings... I, too had the same type of thing happen to me that happened to Jish, except the boys involved physically threatened me, so I gave in (Talk about what goes around comes around, they're in jail! HA!)thus, I feel I'm a bit over protective where my kiddos are concerned. I do, however, feel your situation was handled well and nothing more be said, unless, however, your DS brings it up.
 
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