So, I found my dd locked in her bathroom with her playdate friend today. At first, she claimed they were only playing dress-up (5 mins max out of my sight). Then she admitted they were rubbing each other. We have had a rule about no locking doors and "privates stay private" in our home but apparently that is not working and I certainly can't watch their every move. Based on what she said and how she acted, I don't believe she was necessarily abused. I think they were both curious and thought it was fun...after all they were loudly giggling in there which is when I realized I needed to check in with them again.
I did bring the friend home alone & told her father everything I knew and asked him to call me after he spoke to his daughter.
I think informing the other child's parents was right, but beyond that I'm not sure I would say/do much. As long as they're both consenting and not uncomfortable (ie: no power issues at play), I don't really see exploration between two children as something that should be stopped.
Originally Posted by Jessy1019
I think informing the other child's parents was right, but beyond that I'm not sure I would say/do much. As long as they're both consenting and not uncomfortable (ie: no power issues at play), I don't really see exploration between two children as something that should be stopped.
I would also just tell your DD what you have already told her and just try to be open about it. Just tell her we only touch our own bodies and if someone tries to touch her to to tell you.
Originally Posted by RubyWild
I'm not sure what that means that doors can't be locked and that private is private. How can she have privacy if she can't lock a door?
Anyway, as long as the power in the relationship is equal, I wouldn't do anything about it. It sounds normal.
Doors can't be locked because in this instance I couldn't get in when I was concerned.
crap! My dd told me she does it because she is upset and scared that we do it. (she walked in on us once 2 yrs ago- we were covered up from the chest down). She said she also saw it once in a movie (not sure which one!) and also because kids at school talk about "sexing". My DH is her stepfather and has been for almost 4 years.
I guess I have something to talk about with our therapist again
Originally Posted by Kindermama
crap! My dd told me she does it because she is upset and scared that we do it. (she walked in on us once 2 yrs ago- we were covered up from the chest down). She said she also saw it once in a movie (not sure which one!) and also because kids at school talk about "sexing". My DH is her stepfather and has been for almost 4 years.
I guess I have something to talk about with our therapist again
Be comforted that time out of mind children slept near adults and knew about sex and played. In the context of human history, how long has it been that parents could afford to heat separate rooms for their children to sleep in? Or even have those rooms?
Kids are smart and transfering some of her guilt onto you shifts the focus off her a bit. I honestly don't think it had much of anything to do with her walking in on you. I think she's embarassed and looking for feesable explainations that take the spotlight off her.
When I was younger (pre-highschool); I walked in on my parents a couple times. I was more embarassed than they were, lol. But after the initial shock wore off, I didn't care, nor did it affect me.
About the exploring thing, I don't think there has to be a movie or somewhere else a kids "picks it up from". I think it's something naturally engrained in us. We know sexual behavior the same way we know our other basic body functions. Sex is reproduction and that's our purpose in life.
I would leave this one alone. (or do the suggested things below).
If you catch her again, explain that you understand that her feelings are natural and she shouldn't be embarassed about them; but that sex and sexual exploration are for married couples (or put this however you want) and in the meantime, if she's curious about the human body, she can explore her own privately; that you can go to the library together and pick up explanatory books together for her to read privately; and that you'll do your best to answer any questions she might have.
I'm sure everything will turn out just fine. Hugs mama!
If it happens again, I'd respond very calmly - tell your dd and her friend that children don't touch each other's private parts in your house, and then announce that it's time to start another activity in another room where you can more easily supervise ("it's time to come down to the kitchen for a snack" or "let's go paint pictures on the back porch.")
You can't supervise their every move, but some spaces are more conducive to appropriate behavior than others.
I think you did right to tell the other child's parents. I'd also have a conversation to reinforce the idea of privacy and appropriate boundaries with your dd at a neutral time.
I might also make an addendum to the "no locking doors" and insist that doors are not closed when more than one person is in the room. If they need the privacy of a closed door, then they should be alone in the room.
I've read that if the other child or friend is being abused telling his or her parents would cause more issues with the abused child...by no means do i mean to say that anyone here is being abused...but you never know and you have to be very careful when it comes to this type of subject and how it is handled.
I don't think this is something to talk about too much. If it keeps happening, yes, but otherwise I think it's natural, as other people have said. I certainly remember doing something similar, I think twice during my childhood - and what we did had nothing to do with sex! Now, if she's embarrased by the whole thing (either because of your shocked reaction, or that she has to explain herself), she a) could get the impression that there's something wrong with her for having wanted to do this, and b) if she wants to do it again, she might make sure that you don't get to know about it. If it was my dd, I would prefer for her to be able to talk to me if she wanted (maybe the friend was initiating it and she herself wasn't too keen, maybe she has questions about it, etc). Having said that, if it was actually happening to me right now (as in your situation), I'm not sure I would feel that comfortable myself
Originally Posted by Mamato3wild ponnie
I've read that if the other child or friend is being abused telling his or her parents would cause more issues with the abused child...by no means do i mean to say that anyone here is being abused...but you never know and you have to be very careful when it comes to this type of subject and how it is handled.
Well, the father didn't seem to care. He called back and said she said they were playing dress-up...skirted the issue and got off the phone. He didn't seem concern.
Originally Posted by pigpokey
Be comforted that time out of mind children slept near adults and knew about sex and played. In the context of human history, how long has it been that parents could afford to heat separate rooms for their children to sleep in? Or even have those rooms?
:
It's so easy to look at things in the context of modern society, but really, in the context of history, they become so much simpler.
It's so easy to look at things in the context of modern society, but really, in the context of history, they become so much simpler.
um yes, but there are also many, many things different about our society today- not just that we can afford to heat different rooms.
but i'm definitely one to say- be aware, but let it be unless your gut tells you something is off. i was a super exploratory-sexually- both on myself and with others, and i can tell you i had NO idea what we were doing. it was super innocent and just curious. i can already see that my dd is hyper-sexually aware and she initiates things like diaper play with her friends. i expect to see what you experienced sooner rather than later.
it does make us cringe a bit as adults, but we're looking at it through adult filters, not child filters. i think exploring as a kid- in a healthy, non-coercive way, of course- is important to growing up and learning about sex. It's like play fighting in animals, in some respects.
as far as informing the other parents, well, for me it would depend on my relationship with those parents. at this stage for us, i'm friends with teh parents of all my dd's friends and wouldn't hesitate to tell them and probably laugh with them about it.
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