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Should I let him go out of town with g-parents?

840 views 11 replies 8 participants last post by  mamaduck 
#1 ·
We've been asked to go to a family renunion in another state -- an 8 hour drive -- to see distant relatives who we don't know. For a variety of reasons, I don't think we'll be able to go, though we haven't decided for sure yet.

My MIL and FIL wan to take our 6.5 year old son with them if we don't go. They'll be gone for 2 nights and 3 days.

I would have no problem with ds going to their house for that amount of time, but I'm feeling *very* uncomfortable with the idea of sending him off with them to a strange place, to spend time with people we don't know, and to spend that much time in the car too. He'd be sharing a hotel room with 5 other people, for one thing, and he still wears pull-ups to bed.

Also, my inlaws tend to plan trips and events rather poorly -- there is likely to be a lot of confusion and disorganization. There will be no predictable routine, etc.

I'm just really nervous he won't get his needs met. Its way to far away for us to go get him if he has trouble. I'm anxious that discipline issues might come up, and I'm not sure how they'd handle it. He's so sensitive.

Anyway, if we say "no" we are in for a major fight. I know this from experience -- they've asked so many times to take him off on complicated adventures. When I say 'no' we are suddenly regaled with critisism -- how we never let him have his own experiences, how he is too sheltered, how we don't trust them, how they have the right to make decisions about his life as their grandparents, how they raised their own kids successfully, etc.

I don't know what to do. Of course, I will deal with the inevitable fight if that is what seems best -- but I have a nagging voice in my head saying that maybe I am being silly -- maybe I *should* let him go.

I don't know. What would you do?
 
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#3 ·
I would go with your gut too. But, what does your dh say? And what does ds say?

Just a few comments though

Criticism: how we never let him have his own experiences,

Answer: He has plenty of his own experiences but this will not be one of them at this time. He will do just fine waiting for the next family reunion.

C: how he is too sheltered

A: He is not too sheltered. He has parents who love him enough to shelter him just the right amount.

C: how we don't trust them

A: It's not about trust. We trust you to take care of our son, we just think the entire trip might be too much for him, even in the loving care of his grandparents.

C: how they have the right to make decisions about his life as their grandparents

A: Hold the phone. You do not have the right to make decisions about the lives of OUR children. You are not his parents you are his GRANDparents. You are a special part of his life but you do not have the right to make decisions about his life.

C: how they raised their own kids successfully

A: Yes you did and now it's our turn to raise our children successfully and we would appreciate your support.

 
#4 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by mamaduck
how we don't trust them, how they have the right to make decisions about his life as their grandparents,
Wrong.. I wouldn't let them based on that statement alone...

We have problems with dh parents only wanting to take one of the boys at a time which is COMPLETELY unacceptable to me.. 1st of all how do you tell a 4 yr old or 3 yr old that they have to stay while their brother gets to go.. Nope. .It's all or nothing for us here.. And they can agree with us or not, but if they don't they don't get the kids...

P.S.

My IL live 2 hrs away, so anytime they take the boys it's out of town for us...

Warm Squishy Feelingss...

DYan
 
#5 ·
Yeah, its kind of an ongoing problem actually, that they demand to take the kids and then refuse to tell us their plans. They accuse us of "interfering" and insist that they have "right" to make decisions for their grandchildren. They've never done anything horrible, but just having him out of my hands like that makes me *so* nervous. Even his teachers and babysitters let us know about every little thing they plan or do.
 
#6 ·
Wow,

How does your ds feel about going with his gp's without you? I view 6 yo as being capable of having a reasonable say (not the final say mind you
) in whether he wants to go. If he doesn't want to go, than tell them "no". If he really wants to go, than I personally would set down some major rules, like you have to have an itinerary of events before they leave, a cell number where they can be reached at anytime and that he can use to call you day or night, an agreed upon plan for dicipline (should it be needed), and bedtime rules to be enforced. Without those, I would say no.

As for the Pull-ups, is your son able to handle the putting on and disposal of the article on his own? If so, than I wouldn't see that as a hinderance to his being able to go on this trip, if he is comfortable. Tell him to dress and undress in the bathroom. It is no one else's business if he is using a Pull-up and with pajamas on, they shouldn't be noticable.

You have a hard decision to make, especially since he is young and this sounds like his first trip away (if you decide he can go). If you do say yes, I would also make it very clear that the success or failure of this trip will determine whether he will be allowed to go on further trips with them (not that you should expect it to go flawlessly...only that the situations that do arise are handled well).

Good luck in your decision making process!
 
#7 ·
Sadean, I don't want to give Ds a say in this. I *know* he will want to go. He's the sort of kid who is always up for an adventure. If he wants to go, and then I decide "no" then it'll be so upsetting to him.

Duh -- editting to add that if he doesn't want to go -- he doesn't have to go! I just want to make up my own mind before I even present the option. Wouldn't be fair to offer it and then take it away.

Those qualifications will not be met by my in-laws. I know that already. We will only be given the barest minimum of details. If we ask, they will be insulted and flip out on us. There is a whole history here.

He has stayed the weekend before with them, and it went well. Its just the whole idea of going so far away, to such a hectic and complicated event, with strangers that is bothering me. I mean, if all they were going to do is focus on him and his needs -- it would probably be fine. But there will be other obligations that might take precidence in their mind.
 
#8 ·
Mamaduck,

After reading your first post I was thinking, "sure! Let him go, why not?" But with every new post you give more reasons why he shouldn't go.

Quote:
they demand to take the kids and then refuse to tell us their plans
What is up with that?! Do these folks have huge control issues or what?

From what you have said I would say no. You have rational concerns that they are doing nothing to address. If there is anyway to talk to them calmly about this... well you already indicated that they will flip out... I would just say no and be ready for the fallout, but know that you are doing the right thing.
 
#9 ·
I can understand your reservations. It sounds like your gut is telling you to not let him go. It is just my thought that if they REALLY want him to go, than they should be willing to do some things that will make it easier for you to say yes. It sounds like they are not willing, so with that I too would say "no". You are the momma, what you say goes.
 
#10 ·
My inlaws are similar, not in the demanding to be able to make decisions for my children way, but in the kind of flighty, things don't get planned out well way.

Because of this I would never let my kids go away with them. I, frankly, don't even let my kids go to their house without at least one of us present. It's not that I think they would deliberately harm our kids, but I don't trust them to care for them the way we care for them, and that is enough for me.

You know if you send him you will be freaking out the whole time he's gone. And I have to be honest, I would say no simply based on thier assertion that they should be able to make decisions for your kids.

I think Shannon's responses to the issues that will be raised were perfect.


Keep him home, but tell IL's that if they would like to have him over for the weekend at another time, great!

Good luck!
 
#11 ·
Since they seem to have this weired fixation with not filling you in and since it is such a big complicated trip i would have to say no.If it was only a couple of hours away, and you could trust them to focus and be sensitive to him then it owuld be different but since you can't. Make them a photo album and send that with them. Chances are they want to show him off more than spend quality time with him.

i would send Madeline on a tripo with MIL but I also know that she is often more sensitive to her needs than I am so I can trust her.
 
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