Sister leaving 2 little ones for 3 weeks!! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 06:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post

I'm curious about those of you have said "Those poor babies!" and judged this mother--how many of you are SINGLE MOTHERS? Or do many of you have a DP/DH coming home most nights/weekends to lighten the load-maybe run some errands, maybe rub your back a little, play with the kids while you do the dishes or nap? To offer some socialization, some sex, some love, some support, some sanity? Think about that, and how lucky you are, before you decide how bad or good a mother this woman is.
i'm not a single mother, i do have a DH, but i have lived years with him coming home after midnight, way after we could stay up, and leaving before we woke up. i do know what it means to be on my own--actually with no family to support me. i'm sure there are single mothers or mothers in my situation, who wouldn't even think about leaving their toddlers for 3 weeks.
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#62 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 06:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post
Goody for those of you who don't need the villiage. You truly are lucky. Not everyone has this privilege.

how many of you are SINGLE MOTHERS? Or do many of you have a DP/DH coming home most nights/weekends to lighten the load-maybe run some errands, maybe rub your back a little, play with the kids while you do the dishes or nap? To offer some socialization, some sex, some love, some support, some sanity? Think about that, and how lucky you are, before you decide how bad or good a mother this woman is.
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#63 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 06:55 PM
 
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I feel bad for this family.. Really, daddy is gone for a year, mommy is trying to get a career going - one that will be very lucrative and has awesome potential for setting her own hours to suit the needs of her family, both are trying to do their jobs and care for their kids as they see the best way to do so.

I left my 14 month old son for nearly 3 weeks. He was home with daddy and siblings. I went home to bury my grandmother. Guess what, everyone was just fine.

My sister is in the Marines, stationed in Japan and pregnant with her first child. She goes to Korea (or did) quite often with her unit. As does her babies father. She is already looking at having to leave her baby either in Japan when she ships out to Korea or Iraq, or home to other family members for a hell of a lot longer than three weeks. Does that make her a bad mom?

Her pregnancy was not planned. She was told she was infertile. Terminating to TTC again after getting out of the military is not an option. She's planning to be a lifer and her pregnancy was a 1 in a million miracle.

It's very easy to sit back and judge another by how we would live our lives. But we aren't them. We don't have the intimate knowledge of their lives - no matter how close we are.

Support your SIL. In doing so, you are supporting your brother. I'm pretty sure your brother would rip you a new one if he could see your post here and the harsh judgment and mean words you wrote about his wife, the mother of his kids and the woman he loves.

The kids will be fine, your SIL and brother will be able to reconnect and hopefully not end up a statistic for miltary divorce.

:
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#64 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 06:58 PM
 
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I am a single mama. I would not leave my young child for three weeks.

I think it is wrong.

I do have room in my mind though for the whole, maybe different children have different needs. Maybe this child is different from mine in a way I cannot understand.

For my child, it would be emotional devastation, for me to leave her for three weeks. I could not imagine doing such a thing to her.
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#65 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post
I'm curious about those of you have said "Those poor babies!" and judged this mother--how many of you are SINGLE MOTHERS? Or do many of you have a DP/DH coming home most nights/weekends to lighten the load-maybe run some errands, maybe rub your back a little, play with the kids while you do the dishes or nap? To offer some socialization, some sex, some love, some support, some sanity? Think about that, and how lucky you are, before you decide how bad or good a mother this woman is.

i'm sorry but i don't recall ANYONE judging this mother...many have stated their opinions that THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE THEIR DC... no one is deciding how good or bad this mother is... (*if anyone has, i haven't seen it please feel free to correct me if i am wrong, as i am sure no one really needed me to say that)

frankly i'm sick of these assumptions that just b/c some of us said we wouldn't leave our dc it automatically means we think people who do leave their kids are bad mothers!

i keep getting the feeling like pp's who do leave their dc have like a chip on their shoulders or something, i don't say that to be mean and i may be off but there it is... i know some people do have to put kids in day care and leave them (i can only imagine how hard that must be) but for those of us who don't try to be a little bit more respectful.

ftr my dp back is super messed up, his WHOLE spine is curved, every vertebra in his back is messed up somehow...
so as far as him working (nope he can't and he is working on getting disability) house work is out of the question for him and the baby is left to me 99.9% of the time...i don't complain but i can't expect his help either, my poor dp is 22 and for the rest of his life he will be disabled...that's a pretty hard boat to be in but WE MAKE IT WORK! even if dp's back was fine and life was all "rosey" for us i STILL WOULDN'T WANT TO LEAVE MY DC EVER!
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#66 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:13 PM
 
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Yeah I think we are judging. How can we say we are not? I see this a lot, "Oh that is bad very bad, I would never do it! But I'm not *judging*, oh noes!!"

Yes we are judging.
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#67 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:14 PM
 
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While leaving your child(ren) for 3 weeks might seem like a long time, and maybe is something youd "Never do", please watch what you say about this mother. I think its incredibly unfair for so many to jump to conclusions and "feel sorry" for these kids, when you dont know the entire situation, and you havent been in this Mama's shoes.

That said, I havent left my kids for 3 weeks, but I have had to be separated from DS (11 mo at the time) for more than a week while I was hospitalized with PTL and during DDs birth, since she was a preemie and I had to be at a hospital 1 1/2 hrs from home. Was it hard? Yes, I missed my son (and DH) terribly, they were ok and stayed with MIL. So I guess this makes me a "HORRIBLE Mama" since I left my baby for over a week? I dont choose to leave my children, but I would never judge a mama who does.

Take the 5 yr old I have gaurdian of ATM.. she will be with me for 4-5 months.. Does that make her Mama a bad mama?? NO! It certainly does not. Her mama is a hard-working single mama who has done her best for her daughter, and ATM is in training (Shes in the National Gaurds). She has no family to help her out, and her daughter's father is as good as useless. She has a bit of a record (misdemeanor battery) and has struggled to even find a crappy low-wage job. She decided to join the military to
A) Gain some direction in her life and skills that can help her with a career.
B) So she can go back to school (Gaurds will pay 100%)
C) To hopefully "redeem herself" so employees will see beyond her record.
Her daughter understands what is going on and why mama is gone.. she is also happy with her current placement (with us) and feels at home here. I have helped this mama out from the time her daughter was a newborn, and Ive watched her struggle as a young, single mama and see how sometimes a mama needs a break and someone to step in and help. From the time this little girl was a baby I have taken care of her for anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks to give her mama a much needed break. I also had her for 2 months while her mama served a jail sentence for the above mentioned conviction. My point in sharing this story is to say that every mama is different, every situation is different, and PLEASE dont judge another mama when you havent been in their shoes. What works for you may very well NOT work for another mama.
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#68 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:20 PM
 
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[QUOTE=annabanana;8662677]
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frankly, i am more shocked by the level of judgement laid against the OP. she came here to vent her frustration and helplessness. maybe there is more to the issue, maybe not, but she clearly stated she needed to rant. the OP's sister's difficult situation aside, the OP is frustrated that children so young are being left without their mother for 3 weeks. and these are the children who are already traumatised by their father being away, and by the new daycare.

i do believe her sister is being immature. yes, it is difficult to be away from your partner, but she is a military wife, and she knew what she was going to face. as an adult she can work on her relationship with dh over the emails and phonecalls, and can delay gratification of seeing him. her 18 months old child doesn't have this benefit. even if he is left with loving grandparents, it is not the same as having his mommy when needed. i think going away for 3 weeks is excrutiatinly long, unfair to the children, and ultimately an immature, selfish decision.

i can't believe how many here say that it approaches normal to leave such young children for 3 weeks, with no ill effects for the children.
Unless the OP is stepping up to offer childcare and other help, it's not actually any of her business.
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#69 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:22 PM
 
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please someone ANYONE i want to see quotes where people in this thread have called this mom...BAD, HORRIBLE, etc. i'm missing it, people keep posting it but i'm missing it! oh and where are the judgements please quote those too...i must be really dense b/c i'm missing all the "she is a bad mom" stuff, all i've seen is how people are being rude to the people posting about how they wouldn't leave their dc...
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#70 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by choli View Post
Unless the OP is stepping up to offer childcare and other help, it's not actually any of her business.
i seriously doubt the op is comming back to this thread...
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#71 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CaraNicole View Post
please someone ANYONE i want to see quotes where people in this thread have called this mom...BAD, HORRIBLE, etc. i'm missing it, people keep posting it but i'm missing it! oh and where are the judgements please quote those too...i must be really dense b/c i'm missing all the "she is a bad mom" stuff, all i've seen is how people are being rude to the people posting about how they wouldn't leave their dc...
Judgments about people's character are only ONE type of judgment.

Saying it is not good for children's emotional health to have such a long separation at a young age is also a judgment.
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#72 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 07:54 PM
 
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...The situation you describe just doesn't really sound like the end of the world to me.
:

Our son has been going away every summer to visit various relatives including two sets of grandparents for 2-3 weeks since he was two. No big deal.
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#73 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:01 PM
 
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People aren't saying the mother is BAD, but there has been talk about "damage" to kids who are left with relatives. Where is the proof of this "damage"? Are there any studies that show leaving a child with a loving, known, trusted caregiver causes "damage"?

I leave my DS with my ILs for a week every year so DH and I can go to Burning Man. We also leave him there for weekends pretty regularly. Does that make me a bad parent? Does it mean I love my DS less than other parents who won't let their DC out of their sight? If you ask me, not at all. It's hard to leave him, especially when we are going somewhere with no cell phone signals, but he gets undivided attention from grandparents he loves. And DH and I have a wonderful time together, coming back ready to take the parent AND partner roles back on.

These children will be fine!
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#74 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:06 PM
 
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[QUOTE=annabanana;8662677]
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i do believe her sister is being immature. yes, it is difficult to be away from your partner, but she is a military wife, and she knew what she was going to face. as an adult she can work on her relationship with dh over the emails and phonecalls, and can delay gratification of seeing him. her 18 months old child doesn't have this benefit. even if he is left with loving grandparents, it is not the same as having his mommy when needed. i think going away for 3 weeks is excrutiatinly long, unfair to the children, and ultimately an immature, selfish decision.

i can't believe how many here say that it approaches normal to leave such young children for 3 weeks, with no ill effects for the children.

How is raising her children on her own while her DH is deployed on the other side of the world even remotely immature? I highly doubt she would be succeeding at keeping her family afloat if she truly was immature.

How is it selfish for this mom to want to see her spouse? Maybe she needs this visit to keep their relationship healthy - personally I think that 3 weeks with the grandparents is much better than mom and dad divorcing when dad gets home from his tour of duty because of problems in the relationship brought on by their extended absence from one another.

As far as your last statement, their father has already been gone for an extended period of time and during that time they have been loved by their mommy - while mom is gone they will be loved by their grandparents. While they will undoubtedly miss their parents I would guess that they will be loved quite adequately by grandma and grandpa in their absence. (In all likelihood they will probably be spoiled rotten and have a glorious time!)
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#75 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:17 PM
 
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I admit I wouldn't have been comfortable leaving MY kids with my parents or ILs at that age but my situation is different.

It's a bit long but I don't see the children being left with what I assume are loving grandparents as a terrible thing. It sounds like it was the best solution for their family.

I also don't see the full-time daycare as an issue. It may work better with the mother in question's work situation.

I did chose to be a SAHM and yes, I do take my kids grocery shopping and yes I do believe it's a good thing but I don't judge others for making different arrangements.
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#76 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:29 PM
 
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People aren't saying the mother is BAD, but there has been talk about "damage" to kids who are left with relatives. Where is the proof of this "damage"? Are there any studies that show leaving a child with a loving, known, trusted caregiver causes "damage"?
I don't know about the impact of a loving trusted caregiver. However here is some information from attachment research about separation:

http://www.personalityresearch.org/attachment.html

Quote:
When a human or non-human primate infant is separated from its parent, the infant goes through a series of three stages of emotional reactions. First is protest, in which the infant cries and refuses to be consoled by others. Second is despair, in which the infant is sad and passive. Third is detachment, in which the infant actively disregards and avoids the parent if the parent returns (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Quote:
Drawing on ethological theory, Bowlby postulated that these attachment behaviors, such as crying and searching, were adaptive responses to separation from with a primary attachment figure--someone who provides support, protection, and care.

[snip]

According to Bowlby, the attachment system essentially "asks" the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? If the child perceives the answer to this question to be "yes," he or she feels loved, secure, and confident, and, behaviorally, is likely to explore his or her environment, play with others, and be sociable. If, however, the child perceives the answer to this question to be "no," the child experiences anxiety and, behaviorally, is likely to exhibit attachment behaviors ranging from simple visual searching on the low extreme to active following and vocal signaling on the other (see Figure 1). These behaviors continue until either the child is able to reestablish a desirable level of physical or psychological proximity to the attachment figure, or until the child "wears down," as may happen in the context of a prolonged separation or loss. In such cases or helplessness, Bowlby believed the child experiences despair and depression.
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#77 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:32 PM
 
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"Primary attachment figure" refers to the person with whom the child has a close bond. It does not mean just *anyone* who fills caretaking duties for a given time.

In most cases the primary attachment figure is the mother.
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#78 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:32 PM
 
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These kids are not infants. They are both at an age where, if they are securely attached, many children cope fine with temporary separations. They have acheived some measure of object permance - they know their mother still exists when she is not present.
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#79 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:34 PM
 
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3 years old and 18 months old are not at the age where they can cope well with a 3 week separation IMO. Too young, too long. One or IMO both should really still be at mama's breast.
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#80 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:48 PM
 
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Okay I read this carefully and have some thoughts.

Although under normal circumstances I do feel that it's too long to leave children that young, these are not normal circumstances. Perhaps she really wants to visit her dh (who is also important in her life, just like her kids) and can't afford to take the kids with her or is not allowed to because of military restrictions. She probably really, really misses her dh.

Secondly, if the kids have a really close relationship with the grandparents it might be okay for them. There are a lot of kids who see grandparents almost like a second set of parents, feel safe with them and would be okay. Other kids may not be so okay with that arrangement. I would take this on a case by case basis and I don't know all the circumstances of their bond.

Having been to India with two kids I can tell you that travelling with two small children is not easy at all. I would avoid this if at all possible and maybe that's what your sister is doing. Especially if she's flying alone it would be very stressful for the kids and for her. It might be more humane for the kids to stay with people they know in a calm, familar enviroment (especially if the little boy is that sensitive to change). My second dd is very sensitive also and had a hard time in India even though I and dh were with her at all times. She was just out of sorts and very homesick.

Lastly, your sister is not you. But she is still your sister. She's not abusing them. She's probably doing the best she can under the circumstances based on what she knows right now. She's very young, probably stressed out caring for two young children without her dh there, and she's probably missing him desperately. I'm glad she has the support of a set of grandparents to step in so they are in a safe and loving environment.

I'm not sure that I would do what she's doing, but we are all different people and I can't begin to imagine what it's like in her shoes.When my IL's offered to watch our girls while we went on a weekend escape while in India, I politely declined the offer because at 6 and 3 I still feel they are too young to be apart from us that long. Especally my 3yo.

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#81 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:52 PM
 
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[QUOTE=annabanana;8662677]
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i do believe her sister is being immature. yes, it is difficult to be away from your partner, but she is a military wife, and she knew what she was going to face. as an adult she can work on her relationship with dh over the emails and phonecalls, and can delay gratification of seeing him. her 18 months old child doesn't have this benefit. even if he is left with loving grandparents, it is not the same as having his mommy when needed. i think going away for 3 weeks is excrutiatinly long, unfair to the children, and ultimately an immature, selfish decision.

.
I'm guessing your husband has never been away from you for a year at a time.

Because talking to her dh over the emails and phone calls is not even close to the same as having her husband when needed. My husband currently works very long hours with the military right now (I'm lucky to see him for an hour or two in the evenings), but it's nowhere NEAR what it was like when he was deployed. There's a big difference from only seeing him for a few hours a week, and not seeing him at ALL for months at a time. As far as delaying gratification of seeing him, how long should she be expected to do that for? I'm just asking because I know people who were sent from their year-long tour in Korea straight to the middle east for another 12-15 month tour. So, should she just *hope* that that doesn't happen, and if it does, oh well, "she knew what she was going to face"?

A three week stay with the loving grandparents, while their mother visits their father, whom she is not going to see again for months, is not going to irreversably damage them. Mom isn't leaving them so she can join a biker gang and while away empty hours in a bar. Mom is *surviving* and doing the best she can to be both mother and father for her children. Will they miss mommy for a bit...yep. I'm sure they will. But they're not going to be traumatized for life. I really think a lot of this is people wanted to get rid of their own insecurities, and point at other mothers and say, "Well, at least *I* never (insert random act of supposed neglect here)." Which is very easy to do when you're NOT in the situation. I could sit here and say that about day care, but I don't because I don't *need* day care; I don't *have* to work, and I'm not going to sit here and say that all mothers who have children and work are bad mothers because, "Well, they should have known what they were getting into when they decided to have children, and they should have KNOWN they couldn't raise a child without working, and it's just cruel and immature to pursue a career and put their poor child in day care" I'm not IN that situation. There's no neglect, there's no abuse...the children are well-cared for, and the mother is in a trying situation, regardless of whether she "knew what she going to face".

I'm sick of people labeling other mothers as selfish and immature just because their not willing to martyr themselves on the crosses others have constructed for them.
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#82 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:52 PM
 
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3 years old and 18 months old are not at the age where they can cope well with a 3 week separation IMO. Too young, too long. One or IMO both should really still be at mama's breast.
They are *NOT* infants, so your research quote is not applicable.

Why do you say they are unable to cope with a separation? Because you feel that way? That's not a valid reason for anyone but you.

And clearly these children are no longer breastfed, so the above is almost silly to say. Because YOU think they should still be breastfed, their parents shouldn't see each other?
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#83 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:53 PM
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i'm not a single mother, i do have a DH, but i have lived years with him coming home after midnight, way after we could stay up, and leaving before we woke up. i do know what it means to be on my own--actually with no family to support me.
I'm sorry, but that's not the same as being a single mother (or a temp. single mother like the woman in question in the OP). You at least had someone there for you at night. You knew that if something happened to you--car accident, slip/fall, etc, your children's father would be there to care for his children. Even if his midnight-early am job was 7 days a week (which I'm thinking it's not...could be wrong), it is nowhere near the same thing. You could have stayed up till midnight some nights or set your alarm with his some mornings to see him/talk to him, squeeze in some intamacy with him. So not the same thing.

thismama-thank you for being honest. Yes, many of you are judging this woman for her actions. (I've judged people before--we all do. This includes message boards and IRL)

FTR, I'm not saying this won't be hard on the children. I'm not saying I would do the same thing (who knows--I'm not married and the man I love isn't thousands of miles away for a year. I have no idea what I'd do, what my realistic options would be, how I'd feel, etc. And really, neither do most of you). I'm saying that a) I don't know enough about this situation to come to a conclusion about this woman's parenting skills, selfishness, etc b) That by default, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt to make decisions that best suit her family.

As for the OP not returning to this thread, that would be her own choice. She's a big girl, and if some of the members on an internet board disagreeing with her upsets her that much, maybe it's better that she distance herself. She made a very opinionated statement, and should rightfully expect very opinionated responses to that statement.
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#84 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:54 PM
 
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They are *NOT* infants, so your research quote is not applicable.

Why do you say they are unable to cope with a separation? Because you feel that way? That's not a valid reason for anyone but you.

And clearly these children are no longer breastfed, so the above is almost silly to say. Because YOU think they should still be breastfed, their parents shouldn't see each other?

Yeah, because babies go from not withstanding separation well to being fine with mama being gone for three weeks in the timespan of... oh yeah, 18 months.

Okee-dokey. I'm not going to go digging for research to prove that wrong. It's just common sense to me.
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#85 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:55 PM
 
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Yeah, because babies go from not withstanding separation well to being fine with mama being gone for three weeks in the timespan of... oh yeah, 18 months.

Okee-dokey. I'm not going to go digging for research to prove that wrong. It's just common sense to me.
I'm tempted to just let this stand on its own. But maybe I have to point out that your "common sense" != fact.
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#86 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:55 PM
 
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Judgments about people's character are only ONE type of judgment.

Saying it is not good for children's emotional health to have such a long separation at a young age is also a judgment.

good point...i've never thought of it this way...i've just always had the "belief" if you will that young child should be with momma...

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People aren't saying the mother is BAD, but there has been talk about "damage" to kids who are left with relatives. Where is the proof of this "damage"? Are there any studies that show leaving a child with a loving, known, trusted caregiver causes "damage"?

I leave my DS with my ILs for a week every year so DH and I can go to Burning Man. We also leave him there for weekends pretty regularly. Does that make me a bad parent? Does it mean I love my DS less than other parents who won't let their DC out of their sight? If you ask me, not at all. It's hard to leave him, especially when we are going somewhere with no cell phone signals, but he gets undivided attention from grandparents he loves. And DH and I have a wonderful time together, coming back ready to take the parent AND partner roles back on.

These children will be fine!
please inform PP's of this... i'm sure the children will be "fine" but no one knows that 100%...i'm pretty sure no one has implied that leaving a child makes them a bad mother...some people have stated that *they* were not comfortable leaving their dc and it seems like people have taken that as a declaration of mommy wars!


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I don't know about the impact of a loving trusted caregiver. However here is some information from attachment research about separation:

http://www.personalityresearch.org/attachment.html



http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
that was a really good study...thanks for posting the link!
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#87 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:56 PM
 
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Regarding the studies: I don't think MDC permits criticism of attachment theory studies, so I will just state that there are a tremendous number of valid criticisms of Bowlby, Hazan, and Ainsworth's work out there, particularly concerning their methodology and conclusions. (Mary Ainsworth brought Bowlby's work to the US from the UK.) Personally I would be reluctant to base any parenting decisions at all on their studies.
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#88 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:56 PM
 
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I can't see a single thing to critisize about this mother's choices, not that its anyone's business to critisize in the first place.
What she said.

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Some daycares are quite good, and some children thrive in it, regardless of what some of us like to think. (I say this as a SAHM, btw, and my DD's never been in day care, so I'm not pushing an agenda). From what you've said it sounds like she's got her head on her shoulders, and is doing everything "right".
I was a SAHM for a decade. Went back to work a year ago (4 hours per day at the elementary where dd1 and dd2 go - see them all my working hours) and put dd3 (four now but three when this started) in an in-home daycare that a friend runs. I can absolutely guarantee you that she was loved and taken care of and played with and taken to the park and played with dccp's dog and napped if she needed and hugged and played with. I had previously been fairly judgmental of moms who put their kids in daycare. I just didn't realize that many are good, and it can actually be a positive experience for many families.

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[I][COLOR=darkorchid]what about those of use who don't want/need the village?
My answer to that would be that you might not want/need the village - but I would argue that your children absolutely do. I think being your child's everything - no one else can help them or put them to bed or be a trusted, loving influence - puts the child in a very vulnerable position. I want my kids to feel safe and loved by a variety of people, not just me and their dad.

My parents died when I was in junior high. I got through with the help of many teachers, friends' parents, family friends. My younger siblings were shy and so young that they didn't have that support network; it was much, much harder for them.

If your village "stinks" - which I actually understand because some of my extended biological family does too - you find a new village. My kids have "aunts" and "uncles", even a Grammy and Gramps who have absolutely no biological link to us at all. They are the family we chose. And if you live in an area where you don't have any IRL friends to support you and be a part of your kids' lives, I'd look at moving to a place where you can have that. Because it is crucially important IMO.

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Contrary to others, I don't like taking DS grocery shopping with me. It's a horrible experience for both of us.
Same here!! Just did it today (dp is out of the country for 10 weeks this summer so I actually know a bit of what the OP's sister might feel like) and it is not fun for any of us. My dd1(almost 11) and sometimes dd2(almost 7) enjoy it IF they are well rested and full, but dd3(4) never enjoys it, and neither do I. Today we were rushed and hungry and it was less than pleasant for all of us. They'd have been much happier home with a sitter while I grocery shopped.

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I leave my DS with my ILs for a week every year so DH and I can go to Burning Man. We also leave him there for weekends pretty regularly. Does that make me a bad parent? Does it mean I love my DS less than other parents who won't let their DC out of their sight?
I see this a lot on MDC. The moms who are with their kids 24/7 think they love their kids more than we do - the moms who (horrors) leave their kids so we can work or have a date with our dp or go to the gym or have some time for ourselves. You know what? I am proud of the example I'm setting for my girls! I don't want them to grow up and martyr themselves, lose themselves for 20 years. I want them to have a balanced life. Being a mom is very, very important - absolutely. And I can do that AND take a little time for myself. I think it is better for my kids and me.

I hope the OP decides to support her sister. Sounds like she is doing an amazing job for being 23 with two small kids and her dp overseas. Impressive IMO.
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#89 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:57 PM
 
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thismama-thank you for being honest. Yes, many of you are judging this woman for her actions. (I've judged people before--we all do. This includes message boards and IRL)
Darn right. When I judge, I say I judge.

I don't think judgment is OMGZ horrible to be avoided at all costs!!!!!111

I think it is a tool to be applied wisely. A tool. A very useful tool.
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#90 of 176 Old 07-17-2007, 08:58 PM
 
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good point...i've never thought of it this way...i've just always had the "belief" if you will that young child should be with momma...
Yep, me too.

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that was a really good study...thanks for posting the link!
No worries! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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