5 yeard old DS and unprovoked agression to little sibs - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 07-29-2007, 11:17 AM - Thread Starter
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What to do?

This weekend DH and I have personally witnessed DS

- shove little brother hard to the ground - while little brother was just walking past him

- Grab other brothers arm out of the blue and squeeze and dig in nails

- hit little sister, again with no provocation

- yell/growl at sibs out of the blue, scaring them and making them cry.

As I type this - I am so sad. It makes my DS sound like such a monster. My sweet boy. What to do? DH has taken to yelling at him and barking such orders as "Go to your room! 10 minutes!" -- for basically a lack of any better idea of what to do. I can report exactly zero behavior modification from this approach . . . . Honestly - we are at a loss.

Please - any good advice at how to address this? We believe in GD - we just don't know what to do here? Andy BTDT?

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
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#2 of 5 Old 07-29-2007, 12:42 PM
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I just finished reading the book "Kidstress" "http://www.amazon.com/Kidstress-What-How-Feels-Help/dp/0670873292".

The author speaks about signs/behaviours that indicate a child is feeling stressed. One of the major behaviours is picking on siblings.

The book also talks about how their siblings stress out kids.

Perhaps your son needs time away from his siblings? With just you and your DP?
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#3 of 5 Old 07-29-2007, 01:58 PM
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Being a big brother is hard enough, sharing mama & etc. Being a big brother to triplets : . I think I would probably react like ds if i was four years old.
I agree, he probably needs a lot of one-on-one time, when he knows he has your full attention, and probably extra cuddles, too. My ds (no sibs) has been going through an aggressive phase, too, and the extra attention has really helped. Just coming up behind him and giving him a hug for no reason, that sort of thing.
Also, maybe you could really emphasize his "bigness" and skills that he has that the other kids don't. " Wow, you're really good at that! Could you do it for your little brother?"
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#4 of 5 Old 07-30-2007, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replies. And we do know that it must be hard for DS to contend with triplet sibs. I've definitely had my issues with him recently (and posted about it!) - and have tried to funnel more 1-1 time his direction. DH and I totally agree with that. Actually DH has a lot of 1-1 time with DS - its me that was getting sucked in to the triplet vortex . . .but, I digress . . .

Here we are more interested in specific ideas for how to handle the aggression at the time he does it? DH has been sending him to his room . . . . and barking out an arbitrary amount of time?? It just seems ridiculous? But - it also seems ridiculous to not do something when he hits, pushes, etc his little sibs?

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
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#5 of 5 Old 08-03-2007, 01:56 AM
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TripMom, my dd does that, and she does not have to contend with triplets. She has no excuse. I've kind of started to notice a pattern, though.

First, sleep. If she's not getting enough sleep, she has no self-control and gets angry fast.

Second, I can't get too involved in their relationship. It's easy for me to see ds1 as a victim, but he does dish out occasionally and provoke her. And as much as I hate it, the more I try to advocate for him, the worse things are. I think he feels more like a victim, and she feels more resentful of him.

So, when things like this happen, I just calmly and neutrally repeat the rule. For example, dd hits ds1 and snatches away something he's playing with. These two things are violent and are against the rules, so I say, "Hey, no hitting, no snatching. Dd, if ds wants that back, you need to give it back." She'll say, "Here, ds, want this instead?" And the poor little sucker always says yes, so I move on.

Anyway, if I were you, when he scares them I would say nothing to him, unless you can turn it into a game. If he's already made them cry, I'd say, "Oh, that was scary for you! Did that scare you?" but I'd stay kind of blase about it. I think even 2.5 year olds have learned to manipulate the drama a little bit. And I don't mean that in a bad way, just that they're interested in the interaction and are learning the rules of relationships. And you don't want them learning to purposefully demonize their brother, right? For the hitting and pushing, I'd just get down on his level and calmly say, "No shoving!" If you have any idea about his motive, you could mention a possible one to give him the benefit of a doubt, too.

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