WWYD - 9 year old boy asks 5 year old girl to take off clothes - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-31-2007, 09:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
wflcpw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In the Fast Lane
Posts: 412
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This happened to my neice and I am greatly upset. I am not sure if it is because of my background of childhood sexual abuse, or if I am upset at how her parents handeled this.
Background:
My SIL called me adn said she was shocked and a little out of sorts. Her 9 year old had someone spend the night. Her dd, 5 years old, was playing with them. She went up to the room to check on them and the door was locked, but she was able to get it open. She found all three of them in the closet and her dd had no clothes on. As she hurried to get dressed (her mom, my SIL, was visibly upset) her ds told her M had told her to "take her clothes off" and she did. She asked her dd if he touched her and she said no, he just looked.

I say she should have loaded the boy up and took him home and calmly told the parents what happened or at the least questioned the boy as to why he thought that was appropriate. Neither her nor her husband has said anything to the parents. I am still upset, not mad, just upset this happened, I think more so than her parents and like I said, It could be because of my background.
Do you think there is cause for alarm?
Please move if this isn't the appropriate place to post this question.
Thanks
wflcpw is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-31-2007, 10:00 AM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,210
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think the parents of the boy should definatly be told what happened so that they can talk to him and tell him that isnt at all appropriate behavor.

I would find it alarming for sure. I wouldnt go nuts about it but obviously talking to the boy is definatly needed and talking to the little girl as well about taking off her clothing in front of strangers.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 10:10 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,039
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The age range seems a little odd. Usually the gap is closer. But at the same time there could be innocent curiosity going on and your dd is a girl. They are all at the age to know it was inappropriate. The statement he just looked makes me wonder if he has been told about the sex and the difference between boys and girls but has never seen the difference. Your dd being younger and maybe "willing" (not saying she wanted it but five year olds are easy to sucker into stuff : : )

I would want to get more of what happened. Is the boy a little off all the way around? Was he mean and forceful? Getting the big picture and having a heart to heart about what happen is very important. Asking your dd was she scare if she didn't do it. Was she scared because she thought the boys wouldn't play with her or because the other boy makes her afriad.

Also, remember if a child thinks he/she is going to get in trouble he is more likely to lie. Asking the little sister to strip could have been more of a mutual act between the boys.
Marsupialmom is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 10:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
wflcpw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: In the Fast Lane
Posts: 412
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's my neice, not my dd, and the only specifics i know is what I said. I don't think he was mean at all to her, just asked her to "take her clothes off." The boy also has a 3 year old sister. My nephew was also there.
wflcpw is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 10:21 AM
 
Upside's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Clutterville
Posts: 234
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This would trouble me for sure. In our imperfect world, the average nine year old boy has been exposed to lots of sex in the media and more than enough female objectification. It could have been completely innocent, one would have to know the specific children, but if it were my DD, I would certainly tell the boy's parents what happened.

BTW, I don't think your personal history is making you overreact. I'm not one to get worked up, and this disturbs me.
Upside is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 10:23 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,039
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You have to remember not all household do 3 year olds run around naked. I know some of us on this board think that is very odd indeed and have to make up rules about when and were to were clothing. So even though he has a sister doesn't mean he has seen his sister since "curiosity" has set in.

I do think the other parents need to be told.

Honestly though, sometimes our kids do things that we go : : why : : there is no malac or harm or anything bad behind it. They just got an : idea : .
Marsupialmom is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:39 PM
 
Mizelenius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In Lalaland
Posts: 6,938
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If I had a 9 yo son who told a 5 yo (girl or boy) to take his/her clothes off, I would WANT TO KNOW.

Whatever his reasons are-- curiosity or whatever-- I do not care. He should not ask/tell a 5 yo (or anyone) to do that.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

Mizelenius is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 03:17 PM
 
Demeter9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,999
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There is cohersion here. Two boys, one a brother. Your SIL's five year old would not expect her brother to put her into a situation that is not good for her.

Her son needs to be told that it isn't cool to side with his friends to bully his sister. That isn't the rule in their family. Brothers and sisters protect each other, even with friends.

And the fact that her brother was there and it IS a problem will cause her to be confused.

This is IMPORTANT. Maybe more important than with the five year old in some ways because it bespeaks of incorrect thought processing in a child on the brink of puberty. It needs to address it. OR maybe have SIL's DH address it with him.

Clear the air between the two of them. Family before friends. That they need to be able to trust each other.

Yes, they need to talk to the parents of the boy too. But I am more concerned with the dynamic between the siblings here.
Demeter9 is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 03:20 PM
 
mommy68's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 6,167
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I'm thinking that at that young of an age that the kids were all just being curious. I'd probably have a talk with the older child and let her know it's not acceptable and if a boy asks her to do such a thing that she needs to just politely decline. I would have definitely talked to the boys mother about it if I were the mother in this situation. The boys mother needs to know as well so she can figure out how to best handle it with her own son.

If that little boy is curious about a female body then that's completely normal. Someone just needs to talk to him and that will probably help his curiosity, for a while anyway.

And I am the proud mother of a 5 yr old DD that does run around the house almost naked most days more than not. She wears undies usually but nothing else and will sometimes flash her brothers. I talk with her often about her behavior. She doesn't do it often and isn't nasty about it and does it to be silly but I still talk to her and that seems to help.

__________________________________
46-year-old single (divorced), self-employed working, home schooling, part-time college student mommy to:

19 yr old
12 yr old
5 yr old
mommy68 is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 08:02 PM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
It would raise some red flags for me, but not convince me that something is wrong with him.

She needs to tell the boys parents - she can say "I was a bit embarrased so I didn't bring it up, but after I've thought about it, I think you should know - - your son had asked my dd to take her clothes off. The kids were all in there together, and I view my son as responsible as yours. I've had a talk with my kids about appropriate behavior and keeping themselves covered."

The parents need to know because
(a) they need to be aware that he's curious and on the alert for signs of abuse to make sure it is just curiosity

(b) they have a 3 year old daughter and they need to make sure that he's supervised appropriate around her for a while

(c) it sounds like he needs a 'facts of life' discussion if he hasn't had one - and by that I mean a discussion about 'private parts', appropriate curiosity and behavior and, of course, the differences between boys and girls.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 08:12 PM
 
~PurityLake~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Anchorage, Alaska, US
Posts: 5,802
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Demeter9 View Post
There is coersion here. Two boys, one a brother. Your SIL's five year old would not expect her brother to put her into a situation that is not good for her.

Her son needs to be told that it isn't cool to side with his friends to bully his sister. That isn't the rule in their family. Brothers and sisters protect each other, even with friends.

And the fact that her brother was there and it IS a problem will cause her to be confused.

This is IMPORTANT. Maybe more important than with the five year old in some ways because it bespeaks of incorrect thought processing in a child on the brink of puberty. It needs to be addressed. OR maybe have SIL's DH address it with him.

Clear the air between the two of them. Family before friends. That they need to be able to trust each other.

Yes, they need to talk to the parents of the boy, too. But I am more concerned with the dynamic between the siblings here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
She needs to tell the boys parents - she can say "I was a bit embarrased so I didn't bring it up, but after I've thought about it, I think you should know - - your son had asked my dd to take her clothes off. The kids were all in there together, and I view my son as responsible as yours. I've had a talk with my kids about appropriate behavior and keeping themselves covered."

The parents need to know because
(a) they need to be aware that he's curious and on the alert for signs of abuse to make sure it is just curiosity

(b) they have a 3 year old daughter and they need to make sure that he's supervised appropriate around her for a while

(c) it sounds like he needs a 'facts of life' discussion if he hasn't had one - and by that I mean a discussion about 'private parts', appropriate curiosity and behavior and, of course, the differences between boys and girls.
I agree with both of these people. The boys parents must be informed. Your SIL must sit down and talk to her son and daughter about appropriate behavior, including how he used his sister to impress a friend. That is so wrong.

Katreena, peace.gif 39 year old Alaskan treehugger.gif Mama to 1 hearts.gif and 1 lady.gif gd.gif
 
 
 
 

~PurityLake~ is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off