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My four year old. . .

7K views 151 replies 56 participants last post by  koofie 
#1 ·
is wearing me down. We've had three weeks of constant battles. I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible for him and for me. Typical example: Today daddy was taking a nap. Ds was being a dinosaur right out side the bedroom. I said, daddy's napping, we need to be quiet. He continued roaring. I said, Hey lets go outside and be dinosaurs. He hid under the table and continued roaring. Honey, if you don't stop you will get in trouble. Daddy is trying to sleep and you need to make noise away from the door. He continues. . . .I picked him up and took him to his room and which point he is kicking and scratching me. Later we make up, talk about it, he promises to listen. . . an hour later we are locked into a similar situation. All day long. Why? Why? Why? I don't like it. He doesn't like it.

I guess this could be a gentle discipline issue, but I'm wondering more about the brain of a 4 year old. What is he getting out of this?
 
#79 ·
DD is a bit rebellious but we have had good luck dealing with this at home. Our problem is school, specifically naptime. DD1 cannot nap. She just does not need it and the few very few times she does, she goes to bed late. Like, really late.

At naptime, she refuses to listen to her teachers. She is up off her cot, defiant, loud and a general nuisance. I understand that it is from her boredom, and I have been trying everything to get her to behave. We have a behavior/chore chart. She has a behavior chart at school. She has rewards form a good day (mac n' cheese, chocolate milk, tv time, and bigger rewards like right now we have a Cinderella outfit her mamaw sent her waiting for her to earn it (4 great days in a row or 5 good days). Tonight we have her on extended time out (like in a chair with a book ect) because she had SUCH a bad day. I send her a note in her lunch everyday to remind her to have a great naptime and that we love her. She has books, coloring books, and paper for naptime.

I don't know what to do. I have tried just about everything, and it is now embarrassing to take her. I am a teacher in an alternative school and I see 7th graders with stepped up behavior just like this, and it is truly horrible to see my kid doing the same thing (except only to a 4 yo extent).

I wish I could just stay home and take DD out of daycare, but we need both of our paychecks (we have already cut back, but we are also trying to buy a house to get out of the condo).
 
#80 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by twopinknoblue View Post
DD and I are extremely alike as far as personality goes, and we butt heads all of the time. I went through the same thing with my mom, but now we are the very best of friends (so at least there's that to look forward to
)

Me too! Ok, only 20 or so years to go...... where's that foot tapping smilie???


We've been working on being respectful of each other needing time/space. She's gotten much better at vocalizing when she needs "private time" or even telling me "can you not be in here?!?" when i walked into the living room
:

I had a HUGE talk with her a few weeks ago when i was at the end of my rope. I explained my anxiety in terms of feeling like my skin hurts & it making me feel very very grumpy & needing a break. i'm learing to stay calm enough to use more descriptive language when i need the space.

I have a MUCH tougher time with transitions than dd! I need decompression after i get home from work & picking her up from school. it's just like "What About Bob?" .... baby steps....baby steps....

This thread is very helpful for me. I can feel very alone in my frustration sometimes. My 2 oldest friends are SAHMs and one of them is the very model of gentle parenting and overall calm & love. She's my idol!
The other does struggle more but she definitely handles the stress much better than I do. I've got a hair trigger a lot of the time & it's not fair to dd.

Of course, i don't think it's fair to her to be nasty to me because i won't allow her to stay in the shower for 90 minutes!
 
#82 ·
Well today was definitely better... I resolved before I went to pick him up from school that I was not going to make mountains out of molehills and to let things ride. It helped. We only had a couple of minor meltdowns and I made an effort to spend time down on the floor with him. Luckily he wasn't into kicking me today which has derailed many of our floor encounters in the past.
 
#83 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by hottmama View Post
One thing that has been helpful lately is his observation that when I get cranky, he gets cranky, and vice versa. So we've been trying not to let that happen in either direction-- if I'm getting cranky, I'll say, "I'm getting cranky now." He'll say "Well when you get cranky it makes me cranky too!" so I'll say, "How about you finish picking up your toys and give me a few minutes of quiet time so I can stop being cranky?" and it works! It wouldn't have 6 months ago, but it does now. We're both learning how to deal with each other's personality and how to maintain a happy, healthy relationship.

The toy room has been an absolute disaster for about a week. I'm tired of stumbling over everything but I also am tired of being the one to clean it up.

So yeasterday I talked about being cranky, how I don't lime being cranky, how they didn't like me being cranky.

I asked for the twins help in cleaning the room so we all wouldn't be cranky.

Guess what? They did it! No screaming, no fighting, no tears, just cleaning! I am amazed at how well they worked together and got it done!

They even helped me straighten up the rest of the house too. Just so we wouldn't all end up cranky.

Very good idea hottmama! I think I'll keep trying this and see how it goes!
 
#84 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post
The toy room has been an absolute disaster for about a week. I'm tired of stumbling over everything but I also am tired of being the one to clean it up.

So yeasterday I talked about being cranky, how I don't lime being cranky, how they didn't like me being cranky.

I asked for the twins help in cleaning the room so we all wouldn't be cranky.

Guess what? They did it! No screaming, no fighting, no tears, just cleaning! I am amazed at how well they worked together and got it done!

They even helped me straighten up the rest of the house too. Just so we wouldn't all end up cranky.

Very good idea hottmama! I think I'll keep trying this and see how it goes!
As my 4-yr old DD would say "Big thumbs up!"


I just wanted to check in here because I really like this thread.

Yesterday DD & I fought a bit, mostly due to my own unrealistic expectations. (My lesson of the day? If you take your 4 kid to a pottery painting place, don't expect to do anything artistic of your own. But at least the melt-down was just vocal and I didn't have to buy any broken stuff!)
Yeah, it's funny now - but yesterday I was seriously on the edge of my sanity.

Today was pretty good. I sure love my DD.
:
 
#85 ·
Hi mama's, just checking in. DD and I have had a good week. It has of course had it's ups and downs, but we've had far more ups this week
.

Reading all of your stories has really helped me to get a grip on this whole situation. Knowing that my DD isn't psychotic, and that her behavior is extremely normal has helped me to take a much calmer approach to dealing with her. When we are in the throes of a tantrum I keep reminding myself of all of you guys, and keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this, that it will pass, and to just let it go.

I hope this thread is helping yo guys out as well.
 
#86 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Starflower View Post
Yesterday DD & I fought a bit, mostly due to my own unrealistic expectations. (My lesson of the day? If you take your 4 kid to a pottery painting place, don't expect to do anything artistic of your own. But at least the melt-down was just vocal and I didn't have to buy any broken stuff!)
Yeah, it's funny now - but yesterday I was seriously on the edge of my sanity.
this is funny, actually, painting pottery is one of the few places that DD and I don't fight at all. She gets totally involved in her project, I get totally involved in mine and we really enjoy each other's company. When we are having a particularly rough week we leave little sis home with dad on a Friday evening and head out to paint, it's a good way for us to connect when we've been at each other's throats all week. Our only pottery painting fights happen because DD wants to paint the one thing in the store that costs $50 plus the studio fee.....she's no Picasso, I try to keep her to the $5 items
 
#87 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by twopinknoblue View Post
When we are in the throes of a tantrum I keep reminding myself of all of you guys, and keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this, that it will pass, and to just let it go.

I hope this thread is helping yo guys out as well.
It really is. I thought about everyone's post last night and reminded myself I am not alone as DS was kicking me. It kept me from bursting into tears.
 
#88 ·
My DD is given a very clear boundary (we have to be quiet, Daddy is sleeping), a choice of solutions (an action she can take that's acceptable, like going outside, or a consequence she won't like, such as time-out), and then I count out warnings (I count to five, then the stated consequence is enacted). I try to use distraction/redirection before resorting to a countdown, but when DD is engrossed in herself, it doesn't always work. For a redirect, I'd have suggested that a dinosaur stalking prey would need to be very quiet to sneak up on it, then tell him I saw a herd of tasty brontosaurs in the backyard, maybe T-rex should go hunt there. A physical demonstration never hurts.

Ignored, "Go outside, or play quietly." followed by a countdown gets attention. Somehow, DD always knows I mean business when that count starts, because I always follow through. (In this case, I would take her outside if she wasn't quiet, and if she resisted, I'd give her the choice of outside or a time-out, which is generally the consequence for getting wound up/hitting or throwing a tantrum.)

If she makes the good choice, we talk about it later and I reinforce WHY it was a good choice (thank you for going outside, Daddy needs his rest and we don't want to wake him up), and if a bad choice, we talk about it after time-out (I spur her to come up with why she should have chosen a different action, or at least what a better choice would have been because she's still fuzzy on "why").
 
#89 ·
I tried something yesterday that worked. When I got really upset with DS I said "I am going to leave the room and take some deep breaths because I'm feeling angry. I don't want to yell, so I'm going to take deep breaths." I left the room, took deep breaths and came back in and all was well. He got to see that I was at the end of my rope and he changed his behavior. Then, later that night HE said he needed to leave the room to take deep breaths! He did, and it worked. I was thrilled
 
#90 ·
I'm glad the 4 yr olds have calmed down lately! I too have had a really good week my DD I'm freaking a little though because she will be 5 in two months and her sister will turn 4 the same month
:
but I do try to redirect, what has worked more times then not is me saying "I'm not going to fight with you, I'm not going to yell, I'm not doing that anymore, you can take a time out, you can go in your room or you, whatever, I'm not going to fight" I think a lot of the time she was just bored or restless and liked to fight with me in some weird way, I dated a few guys like that

dont really get what she gets out of the fighting though, she was not attention starved or anything, the 4 yr old brain I will NEVER get no matter how many kids I have!!
 
#91 ·
I find that once you mention your difficulties with your 4 year old, the other moms of four year olds have a ton of stories to tell. Why didn't I know that this year was going to be so hard? We had a good day. A friend came over and we managed to go out for pizza with no major breakdowns from either kid.
 
#92 ·
DH lost it with DS1 about 3 nights ago, after he found me in tears and really at my wit's end. DH issued a series of dire threats if DS didn't change his attitude and quit screaming/snarling/ignoring/assaulting us.

Well, I hate to say it, but DS has been making an obvious effort, and is much more pleasant to be around. I don't feel either DH or I were at the top of our parenting game or anything, but I'm secretly relieved.

I feel like we failed the big GD test, but I've been feeling that way for awhile now. I expect he will have lots to tell his therapist in 20 years.
 
#93 ·
To be honest, GD doesn't work that well for us either. I've tried but DS has sensory issues and it is a whole different ball game with him. I'm partially to blame too, because I can only ask him to put his shoes on/brush his teeth/get dressed so many times before I start yelling or talking in a mean tone. We don't have the luxury of postponing our activities because DS doesn't feel like getting dressed that day. Something about being blatantly ignored just bothers me, it feels disrespectful. So we use some, but not all GD techniques, and we are not opposed to time-outs. They work well to calm DS down when he's spiraled out of control.
 
#94 ·
Okay, i haven't read the whole thread, but I just saw the bit about time-outs... DS ( 4 of course) has been having a lot lately, and he is so willing and accepting of them, I almost think he likes the help to calm down. He really does get out of control, and he explained to me once that he "doesn't know how to calm down"...
 
#95 ·
We use time-outs too, and while it's not considered GD, it certainly isn't discipline in my opinion. We don't use time out as a punishment, but as a way for everyone, including mom and dad, to get control of themselves and the situation. We don't make her feel ashamed for going to time out, and we dont' even call it time out, or the naughty chair, or any of the other names people give it. We simply take her to her room, and say that we all need a break so that we can get control of our emotions. It works for us, but of course, not always.

I know this sound crazy, but my new tactic, that's been working, is to continually repeat to myself "I am calm" when I feel myself getting worked up. It's kind of like a little mini meditation, it blocks out the screaming/shrieking/crying and really calms my mood. DD's been trying my patients several times over the past 2 days, and using this technique, I haven't raised my voice to her once.
 
#96 ·
Do y'all have the drama queen thing going on? So often, little things spark long, drawn-out, melodramatic expositions of woe from DS. Today it was play-doh. He had made something from play-doh and left it to dry out (on purpose, we had further plans for it.) This morning he noticed that as the play-doh dried, it had cracked. In spite of anything I could say, he worked himself into a state, crying louder and harder, and eventually throwing himself down on the couch and wailing that he didn't want to go to his friend's house for lunch (as we'd planned,) and that EVERYTHING WAS RUINED.

I have a hard time being patient with this, and an even harder time not making fun of it.
 
#100 ·
Yes, gotta love the whining. DS1 has been known to throw the mother of all tantrums because his little brother was looking at him, or even worse, laughing at him. Oh the horror! DS2 adores him, so this is an ongoing thing.

Our big issue these days is dinner time. DS1 cannot seem to eat without making a monstrous mess. It drives me nuts! IMO an almost-five-year-old should be able to eat nicely without creating a disaster. But my almost 5 yr old likes to play with his food. I've had to start watching him like a hawk and giving him a warning, then asking him to leave the table when he starts to purposely make a mess.
 
#101 ·
I'm too stressed to even read this whole thread right now....I just need to vent about my 4 yo dd. UGH! I feel so guilty about it but she bugs the ever-living sh&t out of me. My husband works late and I am losing.my.mind. by the time he gets home.

Then her dramatics keep everyone focused on her unpleasantness in the evening and thru/o the night. Make it stop.
:
 
#102 ·
glad to have found this thread, i'm also struggling with my 4 year old - interrupting, constant talking, whining, balking at any request, and so on. i've been trying so hard to implement GD & unconditional parenting principles, do playful parenting and so on, but it's so so hard for me. the underlying theory makes so much sense, and when i can be playful and lighten up and let go of trying to control too many things and demonstrate to my ds that i love him unconditionally, then things really do work pretty well.

... and then real life kicks in, and it's 8:05 am and i'm trying desperately to get all of us packed and out the door so i can get the kiddos to daycare in time for breakfast and get myself to work at a decent hour (because if we don't make it out the door in time for breakfast, then i have to feed him at home, which will set us back another 45 minutes at least, making me even later to work...) - and even though he's been up since 6:45 am and i've given him lots of prompts, and lots of attention, and helped him get dressed, and let him watch his favorite PBS show, and given him juice and a tide-me-over snack - he still gives me some kind of grief about getting out the door.

i know i know i know the underlying need is for: my attention, connection with me, not having to go to daycare, etc etc. but i work, and i eventually have to get to work each morning, and at some point i just need to get his patootie in the vehicle so we can go! (meanwhile, i'm doing all this while juggling my 5 month old's need for nursing, clean diapers, non-spit-up-on clothes, etc.). my dh leaves the house at 7:15 am so he's not available to help at the critical "leave the house" time. and, he's less supportive of GD et al, so when i try to debrief with him, his response is that i need to "show ds who's boss". which isn't that helpful to me...

a lot of mornings i am in tears by the time i get everyone buckled into their car seats and can finally pull out of the driveway. the worst is when i get to the daycare one minute past the end of breakfast and they've already stopped serving and of course my stash of breakfast bars that i keep in the car is empty and i can't leave him at school with no breakfast. ARRGHHH!

i just really sympthasize with everone else posting here. i feel like i have way too much going on and i'm not succeeding at anything. i'm not sure what the answer is - i know there is a solution - but i haven't found it yet. without making drastic life changes, i suspect the best i can do is hang on and wait it out - this phase too shall pass...

hugs to the other mamas of 4-ish year olds!
 
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