7 year old - help with emotions - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 08:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
pibblestiltskin@ma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 471
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
MY dd has always been explosive, spirited etc. I have read all the books but most seem to deal with behaviors rather than getting to the root of the emotions.

My dd is very very emotional - she tends to be anxious, and also seems to have extreme sudden emotional reactions. If something happens that makes her sad/upset she breaks down crying hysterically. When she gets even the slightest bit angry, she lashes out. She still reacts to emotional triggers by having meltdowns. Often there is a simple solution - problem: we left a favorite toy at the restaurant, solution: go back and get it - but she isn't able to process that and cries hysterically and until we get the toy back.

Any ideas or resources to help her deal with this? She doesn't really like to share much so getting her to talk about her feelings, worries etc hasn't worked. I don't want to tell her not to get upset, but I do want her to have the tools to be able to deal with these situations rather than shutting down or lashing out.
pibblestiltskin@ma is offline  
#2 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 12:35 PM
 
MamaOutThere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Could you share more about what you have tried on a long-term basis, if anything?

I have a 7 1/2 yo dd who could be where your dd is now if I hadn't started work on emotional intelligence years ago. I can't imagine dealing with my dd if she wasn't able to communicate her feelings to me. That must be very hard.
MamaOutThere is offline  
#3 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
pibblestiltskin@ma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 471
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have tried things all over the board and that is my problem I am not sure where to focus my emergies -- I have tried being sympathetic and listening/reassuring. I have tried being firm - especially when she gets upset and tries to take it out on whoever is around. Sort of like a jekyl and hyde - one minute she is throwing things and the next she is cuddling. She often gets embarrassed if she gets upset around other people so I think she tends to keep it all in then it explodes when she is at home. A big part of the problem is that she often gets worked up and then in the end she doesn't remember why she is upset - it just spirals out of control with emotional overload. We had some luck in the past with having her take some "alone time" when she was feeling overwhelmed, but that doesn't seem to work anymore. I try to make sure that she gets enough sleep, plenty of down time, healthy foods.

She is communicating - but the screaming, yelling, name calling etc is not working for me! I am in contact with our pediatrician who is helping us find someone who can give us some tools to deal with this but in the meantime I want to do find some way to connect.
pibblestiltskin@ma is offline  
#4 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 03:06 PM
 
katiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ontario
Posts: 651
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not sure I have much to offer. DS is similar and it's slowly getting better. I know what you mean about so many books dealing with behaviours and not the root cause. I do think the root cause is ds's anxiety - is this what you see as dd's "problem", too? (I've had a lot of issues with anxiety myself so I know what it's like.)

You've probably already read it but if not, The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aran is a great book.

I also just read a book which gives a very concrete plan on how to help your child deal with anxieties. I'll try to find the title/author. (Darn, I can't remember it and didn't note it down in my usual place!) I think ds is still a bit young for it and the key with that is, your child has to want to help him/herself. DS doesn't have that much self-awareness yet.

The thing that helps ds is the most is to give him the words to describe how he is feeling and that is a very slow process for him. I do see it helping, though. Also, I go through being able to be sympathetic and then being firm, too. I know with ds firmness absolutely makes his reactions worse. He is devastated when I speak firmly to him let alone if I am angry. I almost never yell - that is just terrifying to him (and myself).

DS used to throw such fits that I really couldn't even get near him. As time as gone on he will now allow me to hold him and rock him. This I find has really helped (when I am able to do it which is most of the time - sometimes I am just too stressed myself to be able to do it). I also repeat over and over "shhhh it's ok". When he is upset now he will often ask me to do this which I see as a big step for him.

Lately he's also been good to go to his room (NOT a time-out) to calm down. Oh he yells and slams the door on the way there but still...I see it as an improvement for him!

He also doesn't like to talk about things. I have to be very careful there.

There are other threads about anxiety here and in the gifted children forum that have been helpful to me, too.

Oh ds is just 5.5 years but I think 7 is still very young and I can see that she might still need help handling things. I did at that age (with my history of anxiety) and I see ds yelling and screaming as a good sign because I was shamed into not showing my emotions at all so I just went dead silent. So no one really even knew that I was suffering - I wasn't able to tell them. I mean, I know that's small consolation (it is for me when ds is in the middle of a fit) but I try to remember that.

Allison, mom to ds born May 2002
katiecat is offline  
#5 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 03:30 PM
 
beanma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: with the dustbunnies & sugar beans
Posts: 8,159
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
One of my fave books is "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" by Kurcinka. I like this one better than "Spirited Child". I think it goes more into the different temperaments, but it's been awhile since I've looked at "Spirited Child". I think there is a lot of repitition btwn the two, but if you've not read KPPS then I highly recommend it.

"The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene has some good practical tips although it is pretty much one solution to live by.

My dd1 is 6.5 and very emotional. I have learned to read her pretty well and when she's happy she's sweet as pie. The happy times are becoming more frequent and the outbursts less so, thankfully. I'm not sure that's any credit to me, but probably more just maturation. I do encourage her to use words when she's upset, as in, "dd1 hitting your sister over the head with a groovy girl is not okay. If you don't want her to play with that one tell her with words! It's okay to want that doll and it's okay to not let dd2 have it, but it's not okay to hit her with it. You can say 'dd2, I'm playing with this right now.'" Stuff like that. I often tell her to rephrase things like "No! Gross! I hate that!" when offered to something to "No Thank You". My mantra is "You can still get your message across without screaming." I never want her to feel like she can't say no, but I don't want to be screamed at because I offered her some squash, y'know?

If you're looking for something else you might consider yoga. Dd1 has been taking since she was 3. I think she does get something out of it although there's plenty of playing around. "Yogakids" is a great video that is available through NetFlix and I'm sure other sources as well. The relaxation and breathing exercises are especially helpful for anxiety. I can sometimes get dd1 to take "deep yoga breaths" before she goes off the deep end.

Most of all it's just me anticipating what's going to set her off and what she can learn to deal with. If a situation is truly going to be too much for her to cope with I try to be there to intercept, but if I think she can get through it and grow then I try to back off. I don't want her to bite off more than she can chew (unlikely she's very cautious), but I do want her to try new situations and experiences and work through them and get to the other side and cope with some of her anxieties and grow. Facing your fears really helps you get over them if you do it in small enough doses. Too much and you're back to square negative one.

If she doesn't want to talk I would supply the words for her. "You're really upset! Are you worried that you won't get your toy back from the restaurant? That can be a pretty scary feeling, but if you can talk about it it helps the scariness go away. I'm sure that they have a lost and found at the restaurant and that Pookie will be waiting right there for you when we get there." You can sorta have both sides of the conversation if she won't open up. I think it is important to talk about it some even though I recognize that not all people are talkers. Check out KPPS if you haven't. There are some good tips in there.

Mamatreehugger.gif to two girl beans, Feb 2001hearts.gif and Nov 2003coolshine.gif . DH geek.gif, and two crazydog2.gifdog2.gif . Running on biodiesel since 2004!
 
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
beanma is offline  
#6 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 04:39 PM
 
katiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ontario
Posts: 651
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
One of my fave books is "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" by Kurcinka. I like this one better than "Spirited Child". I think it goes more into the different temperaments, but it's been awhile since I've looked at "Spirited Child". I think there is a lot of repitition btwn the two, but if you've not read KPPS then I highly recommend it.
I've had KPPS on my list to read. I just requested it from my library so thanks for the reminder!

The rest of your message is great and I agree. When ds is happy is just so sweet. And I agree maturation has a lot to do with it, I think.

For giving ds words I have to keep it really short and sweet. If I go on too long he is just freaking out and then is just screaming at me to stop talking.

I love your mantra. I am going to try telling ds something like that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
Most of all it's just me anticipating what's going to set her off and what she can learn to deal with. If a situation is truly going to be too much for her to cope with I try to be there to intercept, but if I think she can get through it and grow then I try to back off. I don't want her to bite off more than she can chew (unlikely she's very cautious), but I do want her to try new situations and experiences and work through them and get to the other side and cope with some of her anxieties and grow. Facing your fears really helps you get over them if you do it in small enough doses. Too much and you're back to square negative one.
Great advice. This is what I try to do. And facing your fears in small doses was a lot of what that book I was trying to remember is about. As an adult I have found this very helpful.

Allison, mom to ds born May 2002
katiecat is offline  
#7 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 04:40 PM
 
Roar's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 4,540
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For you: http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-C...3859452&sr=8-1
I know you've read a lot but trust me this book is going to give you something you haven't gotten elsewhere. General strategies that work (like you mentioned talking it through, etc.) may not work in a kid who is currently experiencing high anxiety.

For her:
http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-...308962-4294808
This book is great. It'll help her understand physically what happens when she's having anxiety and some simple strategies to deal with it.

If you can teach her just one thing right now I would teach her how to take deep breaths. A lot of people really don't know how and it is the single most effective strategy. We tied that with a simple phrase "problems have solutions". We talked outside of the moment about 1. breathing 2. finding the solution.
Roar is offline  
#8 of 21 Old 10-31-2007, 04:46 PM
 
katiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ontario
Posts: 651
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar View Post
For you: http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-C...3859452&sr=8-1
I know you've read a lot but trust me this book is going to give you something you haven't gotten elsewhere. General strategies that work (like you mentioned talking it through, etc.) may not work in a kid who is currently experiencing high anxiety.
That's the book!!

Allison, mom to ds born May 2002
katiecat is offline  
#9 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 04:06 AM
 
MamaOutThere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
"dd1 hitting your sister over the head with a groovy girl is not okay. If you don't want her to play with that one tell her with words! It's okay to want that doll and it's okay to not let dd2 have it, but it's not okay to hit her with it. You can say 'dd2, I'm playing with this right now.'"
Giving my dd the exact words to use has been one of the most helpful things for us, by far.

Empathy is great, but for us is doesn't work. Validating feelings (ie. "I see that upset you") does work. But empathy hasn't worked much for my dd. I can't remember where I read it, maybe in Hold On to Your Kids, but some theories say that kids need to learn to process hurts before they can move on, that it's an important developmental step that many kids don't go through these days. I think (I think!) there really must be a certain "that's how it is" (not a "life is hard" one, just a "there's nothing to be done" one) emphasis at a certain point. Then the child can cry about it and move on. When I stopped trying to solve every problem and let my dd know that sometimes there's nothing I can do, things improved ten-fold.

Validating feelings, for me, is my best tool. For example, yesterday I worked hard at decorating the house for Halloween. I live in a country where Halloween stuff isn't available so I had to wing it. Despite my work, and despite my dd's delight with the decorations, dd was still down about not being able to trick-or-treat. I didn't tell her that she should be happy about what I did do. I acknowledged that it was hard for her to miss out. Inside, I was a bit let down that what I did for her wasn't enough. I'm only human. But I still let her know that it was okay to be sad about the trick-or-treating. Dh felt she should be happy with what I did. I disagree.

Letting her know we all feel this way sometimes, we all make mistakes, we all struggle with patience has been helpful.

Letting her solve problems is always helpful. She can be very smart and creative. It gives her a lot of practice for the future.

Identifying emotions is immensely helpful. Frustrated, angry, sad, etc. Drawing the lines between anger and underlying needs. Talk to her when she's calm: "Hey, remember when you got so angry about xyz? What was up with that? Do you think you were feeling jealous, sad, in need of loving, etc.? What do you think you were really feeling?"

Dd and I started "loving" sessions. We started this about two years ago. When she would get upset I would ask, "Do you need some loving?" She would always say yes. And we would sit on the couch and hold each other. Now she'll ask spontaneously for loving. "Mama, can I have some loving?" or "Mama, I need some loving." No talking. Just quiet moments of love.

Sometimes I would let dd destroy her room. This was a long time ago, but it always helped (my dd was a hitter until she was 5).

I don't allow any whining, period. I just don't allow it. I tell her what to say and how to say it. I am very, very grateful that I haven't dealt with name-calling or sassiness (or however you want to call it). That must be tremendously difficult! And I don't know if just not allowing it has any value at all in that case.

Lots and lots and lots of physical activity. A martial art, especially Aikido, which is a non-violent one, helps a lot. My dd still needs lots of activity to stay sane. It is instantly obvious when he hasn't had enough.

That coupled with very limited or no television. It is also instantly obvious when dd has watched TV.

Try an exercise where you write down 8 things that bother you in your dd and 8 things you love. Can you see yourself in any of those? How do you treat yourself when those traits come up in yourself?

I'm going to put that book on my wishlist!

Edited to add:
I don't want it to seem like I've handled all this perfectly. Dd has been very difficult for me to parent. And I've been angry and have yelled plenty of times.

But sometimes yelling has been effective. :LOL For instance, she went through a period where she would turn her head every time someone talked to her or said hello. She did it to a friend once and I blew my top, telling her she can't treat friends like that. After that, she stopped turning her head and even started to say hello and answer questions. (I've talked with her since, and I think she's operating out of a sense that interacting with others is enjoyable and not out of a sense of guilt).

One thing I haven't been handling very well is her anxiety about her little sister. She gets very anxious when we're out and I don't stay close enough to dd2. Dd2 is fine, within my view, just not right next to me. Well, dd1 had a nightmare about dd2 wandering onto a subway. The doors closed and dd2 went off on the subway alone. I realized then just how anxious dd1 is about this. I had been saying things like "Don't worry about it! I'm the mama! I'll worry about dd1, you don't need to" when she kept getting so anxious about it every five seconds.
MamaOutThere is offline  
#10 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 07:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
pibblestiltskin@ma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 471
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, my! Thank you all for such wonderful suggestions! I do think anxiety is a big issue. coupled with immaturity and an intense personality. I realized this summer that she was worried about something that I would never have thought was a problem for her. So many things you all brought up hit home - keeping her active, getting her involved in finding solutions, being yelled at for offereing squash .

I am going to have to reread this thread much more carfeully and jot down some ideas - so much good info here. Like many of you mentioned she can be such a sweet and caring person.
pibblestiltskin@ma is offline  
#11 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 08:22 AM
 
beanma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: with the dustbunnies & sugar beans
Posts: 8,159
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
Well, i'm glad if anything I said was helpful to anybody! I think I might need to check out the anxiety book. I have read another one, "Help For Worried Kids" I think and got some good ideas out of it. Thing is my dd1 doesn't go around all day worried or anxious it's just when it hits her it hits her like a ton of bricks and she has to go under the table and cry (at school yesterday because I forgot her thermos of macaroni and cheese although she still had half a sandwich and apple and pretzels and carrots, etc, but she couldn't touch that until I realized I forgot the mac-n-cheese in the grocery store parking lot and turned around and came back to school with it.)

She also lost it yesterday because one of her good friends didn't make it to dance class. Dd1 has been taking dance since she was 3 so this is her 4th year. She hasn't had a good friend in class every year, either. "I'm quitting! I'm never taking dance class again! You'll never see me again!" Tears streaming down her face, lying on the floor, thankfully quietly. Meanwhile dd2 has gone out on the dance floor (just 'cause the teacher is so great 'cause dd2's class is actually Saturday instead of Wednesday) and is having a great time while dd1 just wallows in her disappointment. I left her alone after initally encouraing her to join and being met with mucho resistance. I would periodically go back over to remind her that whenever she decides she wants to join in would be fine. (It always helps to phrase it that way so she has the power and doesn't feel backed into a corner.) On one of my trips back over to see her (I'd been about 10 feet away in a chair talking to another mom) she starts in on "I'm quitting! You'll never see me again" and I say, "Are you quitting the family, too?" She says, "Yes!" with eyes welling up and bottom lip trembling like she's just realized what she's been saying. I assured her that she couldn't quit us that I would always be right there and then since she was still feeling oppositional, but also starting to feel better she moved away from me being right there and onto to the dance floor to join in like nothing ever happened. She got to dance for about the last 3rd of the class. The first 2/3rds was spent freaking out.

This was a bit of an unusual day. I think it was just a really intense day for her since it was Halloween and they have a big Halloween festival at school (no sugar!) and also getting ready for trick or treating that night. It was a big day. I probably didn't help matters too much by feeding her a sweet meringe ghost from the HFS on the way to dance class, but she does love them so and this was the last day they'll be available since it was Halloween. We also have a deal where she comes staight to the car after school rather than playing with her friends on the playground/woods and I'll have her a treat so we might possibly get to dance class not too late. It usually works pretty well and I usually don't feed her straight sugar. Big freak out day for dd1, but she got through it and then she's all "La la la la" like nothing ever happened. Meanwhile I'm drained and wiping my brow! !

Mamatreehugger.gif to two girl beans, Feb 2001hearts.gif and Nov 2003coolshine.gif . DH geek.gif, and two crazydog2.gifdog2.gif . Running on biodiesel since 2004!
 
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
beanma is offline  
#12 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 09:15 AM
 
MamaOutThere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi Beanma,

I'm just wondering if you actually talked that through with dd1 the way you just did here (all the causes, I mean)?

It's so forgiving/loving of you to go back and get the mac&cheese. I don't know, myself, if I could/would do that. I think I may have said something about all of us forgetting things at one or another, there's nothing to be done now. Not criticizing, for sure. :-) It sounds like you handled everything very patiently.

I also wanted to add an important element: encouragement during the good times! I say things like, "I really enjoyed spending time with you today; you were so much fun to be with!" or "I like it when you say it like that. It makes me feel xyz (appreciated, special, etc.)"
MamaOutThere is offline  
#13 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 10:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
pibblestiltskin@ma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 471
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
Well, i'm glad if anything I said was helpful to anybody! I think I might need to check out the anxiety book. I have read another one, "Help For Worried Kids" I think and got some good ideas out of it. Thing is my dd1 doesn't go around all day worried or anxious it's just when it hits her it hits her like a ton of bricks and she has to go under the table and cry (at school yesterday because I forgot her thermos of macaroni and cheese although she still had half a sandwich and apple and pretzels and carrots, etc, but she couldn't touch that until I realized I forgot the mac-n-cheese in the grocery store parking lot and turned around and came back to school with it.)

.......(edited for length).....

Big freak out day for dd1, but she got through it and then she's all "La la la la" like nothing ever happened. Meanwhile I'm drained and wiping my brow! !
This is so my dd! I could see her losing it over the missing mac and cheese except she would then be more upset because she was embarrassed about crying at school!

I know that drained feeling - : . No wonder I often fall asleep when I lay down with the kids at bedtime!

One more question for you all. I have a tough time with dh on this issue. He doesn't really get it and tends to approach the kids in a more controlling/authoritarian manner. Any ideas on how to get him to be more considerate/compassionate? Not that he needs to give in, but to consider her feelings more often. FWIW he doesn't have great social skills and often says thing to people that not appropriate - he thinks he is funny. He often says things to dd which make things worse but he just doesn't see it.
pibblestiltskin@ma is offline  
#14 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 01:55 PM
 
beanma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: with the dustbunnies & sugar beans
Posts: 8,159
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaOutThere View Post
Hi Beanma,

I'm just wondering if you actually talked that through with dd1 the way you just did here (all the causes, I mean)?
You mean, did I tell her I thought she was having a hard time because it was a big day (Halloween)? I think I did do that. Not sure what else you might be meaning. (I have a headache and am not thinking particularly straight so you'll have to spell it out for me.)

I agree that it is important to take special notice of the good times. I probably need to do more of that.

On the macaroni, well it was my fault and I was worried she wouldn't have enough to eat otherwise. (She might not have wanted some of the other things and I only gave her half a sandwich and nobody really wants her to be hungry, believe me.) I didn't anticipate the curled up in the fetal position under the table thing, but it didn't greatly surprise me in the aftermath of the big festival in the morning. If I hadn't told her that morning that there was going to be macaroni I probably would have skipped it and chanced her having lingering resentment over the sandwich only being a half, but since I knew that she was expecting it I felt like I needed to make good on my promise and make sure she had enough to eat, too.

I'm feeling bad airing all this dirty laundry 'cause for the most part this year she's been having great days at school and elsewhere, but when she's stressed she doesn't just bend or break she explodes! I don't think it bothers her very much to cry in front of classmates.

MamaOutThere, in the Explosive Child book the author talks about a way of tackling explosions (and preventing them primarily) by using the Plan B approach of 1)Empathy, 2)Describing the Problem 3)Inviting The Child To Work With You in coming up with a mutually agreeable solution. His version of empathy is much like your version of validating feelings I think. He says often you need to do reflective listening, i.e.: child says, "I won't wear these shoes! I hate brown!" Then you say, "You don't want to wear these shoes and you hate brown." I think if you get too into empathizing with the bad feelings sometimes that can make it worse. I do that occasionally with my dd2 and I can see her start to crumble. Can't think of a great example now, but I always know when I've taken it a notch too far and try to back down.

I also try to tell them both that they're in charge of how they feel. I do this especially when one of them is going on grumbling and whining about something. dd2 is exuberant and can be dramatic, too, but she's quicker to come down from it and generally a little more compliant. I often ask her to put a little sunshine on her face and put some sunshine in her voice. It often works with dd2, especially when she's just grumbling and not completely upset. Sometimes dd1 responds to this as well. She's quicker to go all the way over the edge though and once that happens it's harder for her to be reached with this kind of idea. I do like the idea of them being in charge of their feelings. I know sometimes they need to get the Sads and the Mads out and that's fine, but those Whinys and Grumbles they can just go away sometimes!

I gotta run, but I'm enjoying this conversation!

Mamatreehugger.gif to two girl beans, Feb 2001hearts.gif and Nov 2003coolshine.gif . DH geek.gif, and two crazydog2.gifdog2.gif . Running on biodiesel since 2004!
 
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
beanma is offline  
#15 of 21 Old 11-01-2007, 03:00 PM
 
*LoveBugMama*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Norway
Posts: 1,577
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar View Post
For you: http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-C...3859452&sr=8-1
I know you've read a lot but trust me this book is going to give you something you haven't gotten elsewhere. General strategies that work (like you mentioned talking it through, etc.) may not work in a kid who is currently experiencing high anxiety.

OMG. I`m sitting here with tears in my eyes. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Roar!!! This book sounds like THE book I need to read to be able to help my son. Wow. Now, if only my new Visacard will show up in the mail, so that I can order it!!

*Single, attached Norwegian mama to my LoveBug, 2001*
 
*LoveBugMama* is offline  
#16 of 21 Old 11-06-2007, 11:59 PM
 
smeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 718
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Subbing and bumping this up!

I am dealing with very similar issues with my 6.5 yo dd.
smeta is offline  
#17 of 21 Old 11-13-2007, 11:50 AM
 
islandtanya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 3
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just had to add in my thanks to you mamas who've given such great responses. I'm also dealing with this in my 7.5 yo ds and it has been amazing to be able to see that other children struggle with this area as well. Thank you! I've just been able to order 2 of the books through my library and I'm looking forward to being able to deal with ds in some different ways (we've already tried so many that just weren't effective!)
islandtanya is offline  
#18 of 21 Old 11-13-2007, 04:07 PM
 
katiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ontario
Posts: 651
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am reading KPPS now, only about 1/4 of the way through and it is very good! I'm going to see if dh will read it.

I briefly mentioned before about ds having a hard time talking about emotions. I do just keep trying but for him it is very difficult, not just in the heat of the moment but after, too. Last night we got talking a bit about being angry with each other and I was trying to tell him how we sometimes feel bad and/or angry with each other but that I still always love him. I've tried to tell him this before but he says it's not true. And I ask him how he feels and he says when he's angry he doesn't love me. That's fine, I think that's appropriate for him to think at 5.5 years old. And I do tell him how I know it can feel that way but that I will never stop loving him. Anyway, for me as a child I never had anyone tell me that nor did I feel it so maybe I am trying to impress it on him just because I had issues about it. Still...it breaks my heart to think that he thinks I really don't love him anymore when I am upset. Sigh... This is hard!

He does not like to talk about more difficult (negative) emotions and I really do try to impress on him that all emotions are ok. It's how we handle them that is important to learn. I have to keep things really short with him. It often upsets him even just to talk about it.

I think I am just rambling here!!

Allison, mom to ds born May 2002
katiecat is offline  
#19 of 21 Old 11-13-2007, 07:59 PM
 
supermuma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,128
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I haven't read all of the posts, but i just wanted to share that I have a similar situation with my 8 year old..that has been going on since she was about 7..maybe 6. I haven't really seen her get better though, just different. I posted about it in the preteens/teens forum, but I see so many good ideas here! Thank you for all of the replies and to the original poster for asking the question! I am going to check these things out too!
supermuma is offline  
#20 of 21 Old 11-14-2007, 04:41 AM
 
MamaOutThere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Still...it breaks my heart to think that he thinks I really don't love him anymore when I am upset. Sigh... This is hard!
If he's not good with verbal expressions, maybe he needs something tangible? Some kids need to feel it with their hands, nose, mouth, etc. I can't think of an example (I'm sick and groggy). For some reason, those sandpaper letters come into mind. Cut out the letters "I love you" and have him run his fingers over that while you say "even when I get angry I still love you." Or show him with a painting/drawing, or with a special home-baked treat or with something that's a special treat for him, all the while telling him verbally.

Just a thought.
MamaOutThere is offline  
#21 of 21 Old 11-14-2007, 01:05 PM
 
katiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ontario
Posts: 651
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaOutThere View Post
If he's not good with verbal expressions, maybe he needs something tangible? Some kids need to feel it with their hands, nose, mouth, etc. I can't think of an example (I'm sick and groggy). For some reason, those sandpaper letters come into mind. Cut out the letters "I love you" and have him run his fingers over that while you say "even when I get angry I still love you." Or show him with a painting/drawing, or with a special home-baked treat or with something that's a special treat for him, all the while telling him verbally.

Just a thought.
Wow - I think you really have something there! I'm thinking about the times when he gets all lovey dovey with me...it's usually when we are spending time together doing something he enjoys. He will suddenly cuddle right up to me and say "oh mom (no more mommy anymore) I love you so much". It is SO sweet. But yeah, it's brought on by us doing something together he enjoys and me giving him/it 100% of my attention. Thank you for bringing this up!

Allison, mom to ds born May 2002
katiecat is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off