Hallowe'en was a bust...not sure who I'm irritated with yet... - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 29 Old 10-31-2007, 08:37 PM - Thread Starter
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So, today is Hallowe'en. My kids have been talking nothing but Hallowe'en and Trick or Treating for WEEKS.

This afternoon older DS goes to school in his costume for his school party.

We pick him up, run errands etc. Get ready to go out (which was a whole other exercise in frustration...DD had managed to misplace her pants to her costume, and since she's 2 she couldn't really tell us where they were. I'm sure I'll laugh about it later). We drove out to TOT at Nana and Grampy's house, then a quick stop at Great-Nanny's house, then we get to TOT.

Throughout this whole thing, all we've given the kids is their supper (yummy homemade pizza)

DS starts to complain in the van that he's not feeling so good. Throughout the TOT he sticks next to the stroller, refuses to go to the houses, and occasionally complains his belly is upset.

He does not TOT, although DD had a great time.

Come to find out at bedtime that the teacher let them eat themselves stupid at the party. Candy, cake, chips, pop, juice...and many other things (made me happy I had forgotten to send something actually). These are 8 year olds. And it never occured to her that maybe they might not be able to regulate themselves?

And the reason he didn't TOT: He was sick of candy. Which means by tomorrow or the next day I'm going to hear "That's not fair that DD gets to have candy when I don't" (Uh...she earned that candy by hoofing up to every house, most places with stairs, that's hers).

So, while part of me is thinking "Geez, DS normally knows better than to eat himself sick, why didn't he stop???" and most of me is thinking "What the heck is wrong with that teacher??? Did it not occur to her that letting 8 year olds eat a mess of junk might not be a good idea??"

And I'm also wondering if there was a homemade baked good that is not agreeing with him.

And I've decided if there is a Christmas party I'm volunteering to help out.
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#2 of 29 Old 10-31-2007, 09:08 PM
 
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Did you get any leftovers from handing out candy? do your parents or ILs have leftovers? Maybe get him just a little bag once they go on clearance so he has SOMETHING as he watches DD enjoy hers? maybe buy it, but only bring it out if there's an issue?

You might want to tell the teacher in a non-judgemental way the effects of their over-indulgence at school- mention in passing that TOT'ing was a bust because DS had too much at school that he felt sick that night. You can add a "live and learn!" comment on the end of that- and while it could apply to DS, it could be intended for her. Is she a new teacher, or not a mom?

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#3 of 29 Old 10-31-2007, 09:12 PM
 
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Awww. I'm sorry. That's a real bummer.

We had a kind of disappointing evening as well. The kids have been looking forward to trick-or-treating for weeks (months?) now. Of all days for me and DH to come down with the flu. The kids were in good health. So DH and I both dragged ourselves out with them, pounding headaches, fevers and all and went up and down a few streets with them. Ugh. They just went to bed, finally. I can hardly wait to go to bed myself.
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#4 of 29 Old 10-31-2007, 09:13 PM
 
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I agree with talking to the teacher- not in a blaming "you ruined my kid's holiday!" kind of way, but in an informative, "let's not let this happen again" kind of way.

Some 8yos can self-regulate the junk food, and other can't. Even those who are generally good about it can have a harder time when they're surrounded by peers who are pigging out.

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#5 of 29 Old 10-31-2007, 09:26 PM
 
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When my ds was 4 and in Montessori school of all places, I was not pleased about the quantity of treats being handed out and he was coming home ill daily. This private school had the audacity to tell me they could not tell parents not to bring XYZ, but they could with hold it from my son. My son had been at a different Montessori school in a different town and it was very down to earth crunchy, no sweets, snack ideas were all very healthy, etc. I looked at this director and said yes you can, you just choose not to and it isn't healthy. I was mad at the school.

So, with that, I would say, do as calmly as you can muster, inform the school of the error. And definitely volunteer if you can for other holiday parties. I might also put a reminder on my calendar to talk to child about holiday school parties and moderation.

My ds is 9 now and fortunately, there was not a party of this nature at his school today.
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#6 of 29 Old 10-31-2007, 10:44 PM
 
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Ugh. Amethyst has a really hard time knowing when to stop. I hate it when teachers, sunday school teachers, grandparents, etc don't tell her enough is enough. People act like something is wrong with me because I tell her to stop when she has had enough junk.

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#7 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:03 AM
 
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1. Your 2 year old doesn't need tons of candy. Put it in a bowl and make it *family* candy. She most likely won't care, and getting your kids in the habit of sharing pretty much every thing they have with each other will just make things easier in the long run.

2. It sounds like both of your kids had a lot of fun, even though the day didn't go the way you wanted it to. Focus on the fun they had rather than *your plan.* Your kids had a fun day, so there is no one to blame for anything.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#8 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:13 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lesley&grace View Post
Come to find out at bedtime that the teacher let them eat themselves stupid at the party. Candy, cake, chips, pop, juice...and many other things (made me happy I had forgotten to send something actually). These are 8 year olds. And it never occured to her that maybe they might not be able to regulate themselves?
We've gone through the same thing with DS. Last year, he came home from the Valentine's Day party covered in pink vomit. We don't eat a whole lot of junky food in our house, and it was a big party with all sorts of treats and he just went overboard.

I was actually telling DH how refreshing it was today not having a kid filled with sugar before Halloween started (it's our first year of homeschooling). It seemed like there were always parties and treats at school and DS very often brought home his entire lunch because there were treats handed out.

Kim - Wife to Liam , Unschooly mama to Nick (10/00) Lily (09/05) and Olivia (07/09)
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#9 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 07:47 AM
 
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Hope your ds is feeling better! I bet my ds(5yo) would have eaten too much,but he was ill so he missed the school party. Dd went and did not eat to much.

For TorT we agreed ahead of time that this year we would stay home,get our own candy(huge amount,lol),and watch movies. Typically we drive to grandma's house(an hour away),and then drive home since there is school the next day. It was good to avoid all that. Not sure what we will do next year.
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#10 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 11:26 AM
 
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I came to the conclusion last night while out TOT with ds that Halloween is a tough holiday. It's a little off-topic. Back to topic: It wasn't the best judgment on the teacher or the school's part--they must know that the kids are going to have an exciting late afternoon/evening, and a calmer less-sugar spiked day is to the benefit of all. And to the poster who said her school said they can't stop parents from bringing candy, why not? If any school my ds went to said please don't bring candy I would regard it as a reasonable request. In fact, for birthday parties bringing cupcakes is Ok but his school has said please no goodie bags. As it happened, ds's first grade had what they call a "publishing party" on the morning of Halloween, at which was served bagels and breakfast stuff that is really pretty sweet too, muffins and the like, and of course juice boxes galore which to my taste are painfully sweet. The publishing party is for kids to show the parents what they've been writing/drawing and it's really very nice, but a couple of parents and I were saying that they really chose the wrong day because they kids were hopped up from the morning on so that by late afternoon, my ds, for one, had a meltdown when a part to his costume wouldn't stay on properly. We recovered from the meltdown and went out and I counted up to five meltdowns happening with kids of varying ages by the time we'd gone 3 blocks.
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#11 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
1. Your 2 year old doesn't need tons of candy. Put it in a bowl and make it *family* candy. She most likely won't care, and getting your kids in the habit of sharing pretty much every thing they have with each other will just make things easier in the long run.

2. It sounds like both of your kids had a lot of fun, even though the day didn't go the way you wanted it to. Focus on the fun they had rather than *your plan.* Your kids had a fun day, so there is no one to blame for anything.
ITA! but i'd still talk to the teacher.
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#12 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm sorry, I was not clear in my original post...he does have candy. My parents gave them special treat bags and he got a special box of Every Flavour Beans from Great Nanny (something DD did not get, she got cnady jewellery in her bag) and he did get a few things from people who saw him at the end of the driveway and felt bad for him because he was not up to it. So it's not like he has nothing. But we (DH and I) agreed that it would not be fair to make DD share her treats with DS, because they are hers. Odds are, she will offer him some anyway because she is a very giving child, but just like we would not make DS share his treats with her, we won't force her to share with him. And she doesn't actually have that much, we only did one street. Oh, and we don't hand out treats because we are in an apartment building, and any leftovers my parents have are probably already consumed by my teenaged brothers

I am thinking of calling the school to talk to the teacher about what exactly he ate. My concern is that he ate something that made him sick, over eating too much it made him sick. This morning he is fine physically, if a bit difficult to get along with due to lack of sleep (he was in bed at regular time, but he had on his radio and it was playing spooky music, which had him up for a while even after we turned it off)

It's hard because I know how excited he was to TorT, and how disappointed he is now. He even said (later, at bedtime) he was starting to feel better by the time we were leaving, but many of the houses had their lights off and we were already getting into the van. It was just too late. We tried so many times to get him to just go to a house or two and see how he felt afterwards...but honestly my son can be really stubborn and if he decided that he was too sick to TorT there would be no way he was going to let himself do it. He's really into "cutting off his nose to spite his face" right now. It's quite frustrating.

Anyhow, thank you for the responses.

When I call the teacher I am going to recommend that she do what so many other teachers have done: Last year Cam's teacher had a schedule of treat bringing, our assigned treats was juice for the Hallowe'en party. The year before we were only allowed to bring fruit and the teacher assured us she would be bringing a small junky snack.

Frankly, even before this I was not crazy about his teacher. On the first day of school I talked to her about Ds's classes (only to be worn for reading) and that he has ADHD...and as I said "ADHD" she cut me off and said "He's medicated right? What's he on?" Which, kind of made me want to say no, just to see what her reaction would have been...but regardless I just don't think she is going to be his best teacher. Grade 3 curse hits us again (everyone in my family, and dh, all had really awful 3rd grade teachers).
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#13 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:16 PM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
2. It sounds like both of your kids had a lot of fun, even though the day didn't go the way you wanted it to. Focus on the fun they had rather than *your plan.* Your kids had a fun day, so there is no one to blame for anything.
Just wanted to address this...

If my ds had a great day regardless of feeling sick, then I would not be upset about it. He cried at bedtime and said his hallowe'en had been ruined. So...no this was not a case of not following *my plan* for fun. This is a case of my son getting sick, not getting to do the fun stuff he wanted to do and my dd being disappointed because her big brother was not really TorT with her.

Honestly...do you really think this was about me and what *I* wanted???
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#14 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:21 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear that you have a lousy 3rd grade teacher and she ruined your DS's TOT. I wouldn't hesitate asking her about cutting back on the amount of candy your DS has during the next party.
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#15 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:36 PM
 
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Come to find out at bedtime that the teacher let them eat themselves stupid at the party. Candy, cake, chips, pop, juice...and many other things (made me happy I had forgotten to send something actually). These are 8 year olds. And it never occured to her that maybe they might not be able to regulate themselves?
That sounds like typical party fare to me :

I would be upset of any of those things were normally served at school, but I would expect them at a mainstream party. It also sound a lot like the holiday parties we had at school growing up. I don't know if it would be possible for a teacher to moniter if each child has had too much....and, as a matter of fact, many parents would object if a teacher did. Sort of a can't win situation.

Here is my pov.....I agree with Linda above, that the 2 yo's candy should be "family" candy. We always did that with TOT candy when dd was littler.

Also, while ds's Halloween was disappointing, there are some good lessons to learn. For ds, moderation. For dd, compassion and sharing. For you, gently, perspective. While this is a disappointment for ds, it is a small one in life. This is a good opportunity to help ds deal with disappointment and learn from his experience. Give him a hug, tell him, yep, it is a huge bummer....and then help him move past it and make better choices next time.
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#16 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 12:43 PM
 
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My ds school does not do the Halloween thing. No party, no costumes. When they left school they were given a small Halloween bag with some candy. No complaints, no problems with those who don't celebrate Halloween, no junk food tummy aches, etc. I am not saying this is a solution, but ... At first I thought it was weird and that is sucked for the kids, but now I like it. And the school (PTA) does a fall carnival on the weekend prior, so they do have an opportunity to see each other in costume.
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#17 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 01:05 PM
 
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That sounds like typical party fare to me :

I would be upset of any of those things were normally served at school, but I would expect them at a mainstream party. It also sound a lot like the holiday parties we had at school growing up. I don't know if it would be possible for a teacher to moniter if each child has had too much....and, as a matter of fact, many parents would object if a teacher did. Sort of a can't win situation.

Here is my pov.....I agree with Linda above, that the 2 yo's candy should be "family" candy. We always did that with TOT candy when dd was littler.

Also, while ds's Halloween was disappointing, there are some good lessons to learn. For ds, moderation. For dd, compassion and sharing. For you, gently, perspective. While this is a disappointment for ds, it is a small one in life. This is a good opportunity to help ds deal with disappointment and learn from his experience. Give him a hug, tell him, yep, it is a huge bummer....and then help him move past it and make better choices next time.
Excellent post...
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#18 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 01:07 PM
 
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Also, while ds's Halloween was disappointing, there are some good lessons to learn. For ds, moderation. For dd, compassion and sharing. For you, gently, perspective. While this is a disappointment for ds, it is a small one in life. This is a good opportunity to help ds deal with disappointment and learn from his experience. Give him a hug, tell him, yep, it is a huge bummer....and then help him move past it and make better choices next time.

:

I agree. I'm one of the moms who would NOT want the teacher monitoring or restricting what the kids ate. I think it's a lesson for your son, who, at 8 years old, is old enough for that particular lesson.

I agree as well that the two year old's candy should be "family" candy. Two is still pretty young to have a whole stash of candy to oneself.

I do think, also, that you have to be careful what you say to your ds about this. I am the type of parent that teaches responsibility for one's own actions. He overate, the teacher didn't do it to him. I would not send the message that he missed out on trick or treating because of the teacher. He has already had the natural consequences and it is his lesson to learn. Making it the teacher's responsibility sends the message that he is not responsible for what he puts in his body.
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#19 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 01:39 PM
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Excellent post...
:

Although I still think a non-confrontational discussion with the teacher about healthier parties wouldn't hurt. Also if you talk to other parents you may find they feel the same way...

When I taught, I was childless, and my parties weren't as healthy as they could have been. But even as a childless person, I had some idea that filling the kids up with junk wasn't a good idea, particularly before TOT. I always had one baked good, popcorn or chips, and maybe a couple of fun-sized candies for each child. Juice to drink, never soda. Servings were limited simply by the amount of food provided. 20 students = 20 cupcakes, etc. Not like there was an endless supply of food to go back for seconds and thirds.

I do agree that it is hard for the teacher to monitor each student if there is a ton of food on hand. And maybe not even appropriate to do. So the best bet is structure the party in a healthier way.
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#20 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 02:23 PM
 
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we live in an apartment complex with tons of kids and they all "hoofed" it to the neighborhood next door for halloween.
Is it the stairs? Do parents think only creepy people live in Apts?

I wanted to see costumes - that is the fun part for all us ex kids... I had to beg some guy walking his kids around to send them up to the second floor for candy...

Huge bowl of candy is stareing at me now!:

On the upside three nice neighbors liked my 14 mo snowman costume and he made some "take" for daddy. Wasn't my plan to trick or treat, just parade around and show off, meet neighbors heading out... out and away...

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#21 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 02:47 PM
 
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Aww, I'm sorry he didn't have a good Halloween!

My almost 5 year old is excellent at self regulating, and I guess I should be thankful for that. His preschool had chips, candy, cupcakes and all kinds of sweet treats yesterday!! He licked the icing off his cupcake and gave all of the rest to me.

I guess I kind of expect that kind of party in a mainstream preschool. I might feel different if my kiddo was the type to over indulge, but I think a few days a year of eating pure junk isn't going to hurt anyone and can actually be fun.

I wouldn't talk to the teacher, but I would talk with your son about what happened, why he was feeling sick, etc. I bet he learned a pretty valuable lesson last night, and I don't think 8 years old is too young to self-regulate.

hope next Holiday is more fun for everyone in your family!

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#22 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 03:07 PM
 
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My son just turned 8 and is the 2nd grade. At his part yesterday they were given some Sweet Chex mix, some raisins, some pretzels, a small bag with 4 candies, and a larger goody bag filled with candies and a few toys. They were told that the goody bag was to go home. Barrett's teacher did a very good job of helping the kids to not over do things.

Also water was served. No juice or pop.
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#23 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 03:14 PM
 
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Honestly...do you really think this was about me and what *I* wanted???
all you talked about in your first post was what you wanted, not how your DS felt about what happened. There's nothing at all in your first post about how your son felt.

You were VERY upset, so the fact that he was upset by the time he went to bed *could* be caused by him picking up on your reaction rather than his own reaction. You felt Halloween was ruined, so he now believes that Halloween was ruined.

And yet, he most likely had a really good time at his class party (oddly, you haven't commented on whether it was fun for him or not), a lot of people were really nice to him and gave him candy, he got to see Nana and Grampy's and Great-Nanny, and he has a stash of candy.

Yes, your son ate so much junk that he made himself physically ill. He could learn a valuable lesson from that. He could learn that the things we put into our bodies affect how we feel, and that even if no one stops us, we can choose to stop ourselves.

I find it odd that you are concerned that he doesn't have enough candy now since the reason he doesn't have more is that he ate so much of it he made himself sick. This makes no sense to me at all.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#24 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 03:15 PM
 
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And the reason he didn't TOT: He was sick of candy. Which means by tomorrow or the next day I'm going to hear "That's not fair that DD gets to have candy when I don't" (Uh...she earned that candy by hoofing up to every house, most places with stairs, that's hers).

So, while part of me is thinking "Geez, DS normally knows better than to eat himself sick, why didn't he stop???" and most of me is thinking "What the heck is wrong with that teacher??? Did it not occur to her that letting 8 year olds eat a mess of junk might not be a good idea??"
I agree with the others that's it's not really the teachers job to regulate the 8 year olds (My day care does not regulate the 4 year olds - they can eat desert first if they want).

I also think that instead of projecting that 2 yo "earned" the candy and it's hers, you could tell 8 yo to ask 2 yo if she would share. You certainly don't want to be setting up a competition for later years. Wouldn't it be nice if they both came home from Halloween and dumped the candy in a big bowl to share with the family and whomever else came over? I'm sure you don't want to encourage "hoarding" or anything on the part of the 2 yo. Besides the 8 yo would have "earned" the candy if he'd been able. He couldn't because he was too sick.

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#25 of 29 Old 11-01-2007, 03:22 PM
 
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The other side of the coin... I get really annoyed when my children's teachers try to regulate their food. I have actually needed to tell the teachers that if its in their lunch, they can eat it, and I don't care if they eat it before or after their sandwich (we're talking baked chips here, not candy bars). I can't stand the fact that my DSs preschool teacher will urge the kids to eat more (even if it is the healthy stuff) -- my children know when they are full. Conversely, if they ask for more snack, I want them to have it because they are hungry.

So, I would be really upset if my child came home from a party and said "the teacher only let us eat X and not Y" or "Teacher told me I couldn't have another X" If you want to work with the teacher to make sure that future offerings are overall more heathy, that is great. But please don't ask her to monitor or control amounts.

I think you are missing the fact that its good for children to learn from experience. He ate too much and he learned from it. If my child chooses to eat ice cream (he's lactose-intolerant), he will pay for it later and its a good reminder to him of the consequences of his actions. I don't want his teachers to shield him from those lessons, which I think way too many adults try to do for kids these days. Experience (barring real sustained danger, of course) really is the best teacher for most kids. Its not our job to make sure our children are always happy. Its our job to make sure that they learn to live life well -- and that includes learning when to say "enough".
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#26 of 29 Old 11-02-2007, 05:05 PM
 
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Just to add a little teacher perspective as one who tries to keep Halloween healthy....we had spaghetti, cheese and crackers, fruit, veggies and a cookie....parents are never happy with it.....either I am depriving them of a celebration or parents will outright ignore our posted sign-up and bring Safeway orange never going to rot cupcakes which in turn infuriates the parents wanting a healthy holiday. Alas I am sorry you had a tough one.
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#27 of 29 Old 11-02-2007, 05:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sunnmama View Post
That sounds like typical party fare to me :

I would be upset of any of those things were normally served at school, but I would expect them at a mainstream party. It also sound a lot like the holiday parties we had at school growing up. I don't know if it would be possible for a teacher to moniter if each child has had too much....and, as a matter of fact, many parents would object if a teacher did. Sort of a can't win situation.

Here is my pov.....I agree with Linda above, that the 2 yo's candy should be "family" candy. We always did that with TOT candy when dd was littler.

Also, while ds's Halloween was disappointing, there are some good lessons to learn. For ds, moderation. For dd, compassion and sharing. For you, gently, perspective. While this is a disappointment for ds, it is a small one in life. This is a good opportunity to help ds deal with disappointment and learn from his experience. Give him a hug, tell him, yep, it is a huge bummer....and then help him move past it and make better choices next time.
: YES! I agree totally with this sentiment.

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#28 of 29 Old 11-02-2007, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by mamababamba View Post
Just to add a little teacher perspective as one who tries to keep Halloween healthy....we had spaghetti, cheese and crackers, fruit, veggies and a cookie....parents are never happy with it.....either I am depriving them of a celebration or parents will outright ignore our posted sign-up and bring Safeway orange never going to rot cupcakes which in turn infuriates the parents wanting a healthy holiday. Alas I am sorry you had a tough one.
Too true!
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#29 of 29 Old 11-03-2007, 10:26 AM
 
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I was pretty happy about my kid's school party. There was a really good balance of healthy food and candy. Both classes asked me to bring something healthy, so I brought grapes, cheese sticks and carrots w/dip. Other parents had brought those too, so we had a lot! There was also pretzels, plain donuts, apples, and crackers w/peanut butter. Cider was the drink for both classes. And of course there was a lot of candy. For the kindergarteners, we made the plates for the kids to be ready for them at their seats when they got back from their parade. And for the 3rd graders, they went through the buffet set-up one time. (I got a lot of exercise walking between the 2 classes!!) Also, the party was right after lunch so I don't think they were super hungry anyway.
It's always neat to watch the kids gobble up the healthy stuff first when there is a sucker or chocolate sitting right there on their plate.
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