In-laws x-mas gift-vent! - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-19-2007, 06:41 PM
 
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FWIW I think you handled it well.

My MIL has a chronic bad habit of buying the things she knows I don't want the kids to have and it p*sses me off to no end. Things like movies (when they aren't supposed to watch tv, this will no longer be an issue because we are going tv free so she can buy them all she wants but no tv means they aren't watching them). Buys them made in china crappy plastic toys, when she knows we are waldorf leaning, buys them pajamas with flame retardants even though I can't use them on my kids, and on and on and on.

I am honestly surprised that so many are attacking you on this one.

The whole "be grateful she acknowledges the kids at all" thing is rediculous. Its better to not have a grandmother acknowledge the kids at all then to have them constantly undermine the parents! Trust me I know. I no longer talk to my mother, and I have a MIL that fits this description to a T. I prefer not talking to my own mom over the constant undermining of my MIL.

Christmas is not a time to try to make a point and undermine mom and dad in front of the grandkids. : yet it seems thats what alot of grandparents like to do.

I told everyone this year we didn't want gifts we just wanted people to spend more time coming to visit....but as usual no one hears a word I say. I did however along with that letter send a list of appropriate gifts and let them all know things that don't fit our child rearing philosophy will be donated to the goodwill the day after Christmas

Anyway, I feel ya, and I think you handled it well. All the people who are giving you a hard time have obviously not had to deal with super controlling and relationship undermining inlaws.

*hugs* to you.
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Old 12-19-2007, 06:44 PM
 
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Nope. Just reread the first post to check even. She didn't bring up the safety issue and how her child was going to try to drive the van etc until later when people suggested it wasn't the car; it was the way it was done etc. As I said she was muddying the water by suddenly bringing up safety when before it seemed her chief gripe was that she wanted to buy a car and that she was going to have to supervise them. I'd be angry too. I'm saying that's what she should focus on. The fact that she's angry with her DH and her MIL. It's the lack of respect not the toy that is the problem. And she doesn't have to ask for rebuttals. As far as I know respectful disagreement is allowed in all threads except those in support forums.

I'm not sure what Emily Post would say. Given the circumstances I think Miss Manners (my ettiquette doyenne of choice) would allow her to cheerfully and politely decline the gift since it had already been expressly refused. She doesn't have to have the reason to not want the car. I'm just saying throwing up sort of specifious reasons only when people objected weakens her argument. Just say no we don't want the car. I never said she shouldn't. I did question whether it was the car or the fact that MIL upstaged her but that was before she had clarified and yes I do object to the idea that her dd is going to try to drive the car because I think it makes her look silly when she should be focusing on the real issues.

I'm sorry but I really don't see anyone yelling or flaming. And it's odd because I've seen far more contentious threads where no one was claiming flames for simple disagreement.
Sorry to respond so late - I've been away from the computer since Wednesday. From her original post:

Quote:
I looked out and saw a big battery operated four wheeler, with two seats. My girls are 3 years old and almost 6 years old. I have felt strongly against these battery operated cars for years and have always said I would never allow my kids to have one. I can see so many problems and injuries that could result. I told in-laws how I felt and said the girls couldn't have it. MIL said she thought it was appropriate, I would just have to supervise.
She does say that she sees problems and injuries - in my book that means safety issues.

I never brought up flaming. It was just a surprise to see so many question her motives and reasons. In my response I was simply trying to state that her reasoning doesn't matter. She has the right to refuse the gift and her MIL shouldn't get in a snit about it (and her dh needs to be the one to handle his parents).

Why do those that like the cars and don't see any problem with them feel the need to argue with her about her choices? When I posted, it seemed that those who disagreed with her not wanting to accept the gift wanted to question her more than give her advice.

Disagreement is fine. I just wanted her to know that I was one that agreed with her.
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Old 12-19-2007, 08:08 PM
 
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You are wrong. I am describing what happened and how it made me feel. After reading everyone's posts, I tried to clarify a few things that people seemed to misunderstand. Nothing has changed and I am not back stepping in the least!
Well if they really are that awful then I'm sorry for you. I know how it is with the inlaws, it's a tough one. I would just continue to be the "better person" in the situations and limit exposure if it's a negative environment they bring. I mean if it comes down to it you could always tell them "my way or the highway...."and really if you are trying really hard to make things good between all of you and they refuse, then there is nothing wrong with making such a statement.

People can use things to be manipulative, like kids and I think it's disguisting. It always seems to be one set of grandparents and that is too bad because they are only hurting themselves.

Sorry if you felt threatend by this converstaion OP
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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I think you did absolutely the right thing - the toy in question really seems to not matter, IMO. Your MIL is acting very innappropriatly. I have played out that same situation with my MIL many many times.

The only solutions I have come up with (7 years of dealing with it now), are returning the item - not behind grandma's back - they ask how the kids like the widget and I said I returned it b/c I prefer them not to have toys like that for some short consise reason (sometimes real, sometimes I just make up a reason b/c they don't understand my reasoning anyhow! like). The only other solution that has worked fairly well is to not celebrate Christmas with them at all. No early Christmas, no late Christmas, no family on Christmas (except our own ).

But, see, it still bites me in the butt! We just had our hardwoods refinished and needed a place to stay for a few days, and the inlaws were begging to see the kids. So, i stupidly took them there. One day, I went out and MIL took the kids to Walmart to get ideas for their Christmas gifts (since the list I had worked 6 months on compiling obviously was wrong ). She then snuck out the night before we left, bought gobs of junk, snuck back in the house to wrap it and then put it in our car. WTH! I just don't understand it, really. They know I pre-open their gifts, so why even bother with the junk?? hmmm...

My MIL is perhaps like yours and has actually told me that the best way to show her love to the grandkids is to buy them gifts! yikes!

Mama of 3 amazingly sweet kids jumpers.gif, living the dream on our urban farm chicken3.gif

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Old 12-20-2007, 06:19 PM
 
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My ex-MIL buys my kids used items. I go to thrift stores all the time. I don't know which store she shops at, but the toys and clothes are just horrible! She sent my 6 month old dd used underwear, size 3T with stains. Easter crap, when it's not easter. Did I mention this woman has plenty of $? She bought me a granny nighty, used, it was velvet, long sleeved, went clear down to th floor and buttoned clear p to the neck. My ex-h is 5'10 160 lbs. She bought him used pants for a 300lb man! We each fit in one leg! Sometimes there aere a few good tings in there. Truly it's like giving comedy as a gift. Although one year she surprised me with the most beautiful, unstained, natural wooden toy bench.
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Old 12-20-2007, 07:16 PM
 
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wow who would have thought this little post could spark such a thread?

To the OP - You have a big problem w/ your husband, not your ILs. Your DH should have spoken up and not made you the bad guy.

I agree that gifts should be accepted graciously but what on earth can you do with a huge thing like that. We have one, it was given to us by someone whose kids outgrew it, and I HATE it. it sits outside, it gets dirty, the cover blows off, the battery dies and has to be recharged (or replaced at $75) and we are getting rid of it. I know that if my ILs gave the kids something like that and then later on we sold it or whatever, they would have a FIT. They would much rather hear right then and there that we cant accept for whatever reason.
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Old 12-20-2007, 07:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SillyLilStinkweed View Post
My ex-MIL buys my kids used items. I go to thrift stores all the time. I don't know which store she shops at, but the toys and clothes are just horrible! She sent my 6 month old dd used underwear, size 3T with stains. Easter crap, when it's not easter. Did I mention this woman has plenty of $? She bought me a granny nighty, used, it was velvet, long sleeved, went clear down to th floor and buttoned clear p to the neck. My ex-h is 5'10 160 lbs. She bought him used pants for a 300lb man! We each fit in one leg! Sometimes there aere a few good tings in there. Truly it's like giving comedy as a gift. Although one year she surprised me with the most beautiful, unstained, natural wooden toy bench.
Ugg.. That sounds like MY MIL. I finally got it to stop however. I told her I give all the clothes to the clothes closet and throw away the toys. My kids have enough crap they don't need someone else's used crap. So she now knows that if it doesn't have tags or isn't in a package I will toss it so she doesn't send it.

I mean seriously, who wants a strangers old underwear or hair products. Gross.
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