going to a no-sleepover policy - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-23-2007, 07:03 PM
 
Jessy1019's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Flemington, NJ
Posts: 3,222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Qtopia View Post
HUH?!? Insert public schooling, formula feeding, CIO, vaccinations, etc etc etc into the above statement and it becomes obvious that... who gives a flying flip what 'everybody else' is doing? Isn't MDC all about trying to make the best decisions we can for our families, regardless of what everybody and their dog is doing?
I don't think sleepovers come close to comparing to those things. With public schooling, formula feeding, CIO, and vaccinations, the best you can hope for is a neutral outcome, for no harm to be done.

A sleepover is something that has the potential to enhance the child's life and experiences, it's likely to be a fun thing, a happy memory, etc. None of your examples are that.

We don't have any outright, arbitrary rules either, and like Angela, I don't think any good comes from having them.

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
Jessy1019 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-23-2007, 11:38 PM
 
delfin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 281
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
mmmm...
in high school, some friends would come for sleepovers at my house...on saturdays...
because i was allowed to go out at night, to party and they werent.
so that was the way, they were allowed to sleepvers, but we were no longer interested in them...
example of what can happen with the forbidden, hard headed teenagers find their way trough rules
delfin is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 03:36 AM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,019
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
I don't think there's that many *everyone's* when a child is homeschooled.

A HUGE thing for me is KNOWING my child can get help in an emergency, I don't think it's right to expect a 10 yr. old to be able to help themselves like that.
My homeschooled kids have lots of friends, at church and in our neighborhood.

We don't do sleepovers much yet, but I would only allow them places where I knew the parents well and was confident that the other family would contact me if needed.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
14yo ds   11yo dd  9yo ds and 7yo ds and 2yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 03:45 AM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,019
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
My most recent "episode" was a kid who lives across the street coming & asking HIMSELF if Zach could spend the night. "My mom said it's ok!" Um...NO! The PARENTS should do the asking, not my job to go hunt the inviters down. He was mad at me, but I was right.
*confused*

If it was a kid from across the street, someone you knew, what's wrong with the kid doing the inviting? Why should his mom be making invitations for him? My ds invites neighbor kids over for dinner (after checking with me or dh). I don't go over and ask for him. Also, I have the other parents' phone numbers on our street and they have mine, so if a kid is asking, we could just call the other parent.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
14yo ds   11yo dd  9yo ds and 7yo ds and 2yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 02:29 PM
 
Jessy1019's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Flemington, NJ
Posts: 3,222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
*confused*

If it was a kid from across the street, someone you knew, what's wrong with the kid doing the inviting? Why should his mom be making invitations for him? My ds invites neighbor kids over for dinner (after checking with me or dh). I don't go over and ask for him. Also, I have the other parents' phone numbers on our street and they have mine, so if a kid is asking, we could just call the other parent.
Glad I'm not the only one to find that objection weird.

When I was in first grade, I remember getting a call from a friend, asking if I could spend the night. Went something like, "Yes, I'd love to spend the night. Who is this?"

We always did our own planning like that, and would then put the phone down long enough to ask permission. By eight or nine, I think kids should be doing the asking themselves, with their parents' permission of course. Moms shouldn't be calling each other up to set up playdates at that point.

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
Jessy1019 is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 04:51 PM
 
amcal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think what she's saying is that there needs to be parental involvement in the invitation to spend the night. Those of you who think it's ok for one child to invite another child over to spend the night, once the invitation has been made, do you then clear it somehow with the parents or do you just pack your child up and assume it was ok with the other parents? Personally, if we were having someone over, it would be ok if my DD asked the other child (after clearing it with me) but I would follow up with a phone call to the parents.
amcal is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 05:21 PM
 
Jessy1019's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Flemington, NJ
Posts: 3,222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by amcal View Post
I think what she's saying is that there needs to be parental involvement in the invitation to spend the night. Those of you who think it's ok for one child to invite another child over to spend the night, once the invitation has been made, do you then clear it somehow with the parents or do you just pack your child up and assume it was ok with the other parents? Personally, if we were having someone over, it would be ok if my DD asked the other child (after clearing it with me) but I would follow up with a phone call to the parents.
I don't think I would, as long as my child had gotten the details from her friend, and I at least knew the other parent. My mom never tried to chase down my friends' parents or act like we were incapable of making plans ourselves (again, with permission).

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
Jessy1019 is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 06:25 PM
Banned
 
BiscuitBaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just had a discussion with DH about this the other night. No sleepovers for our kids at other houses. Other kids can come here, but who knows if anyone will be allowed to come over because DH has a gun. Law enforcement.
BiscuitBaby is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 06:51 PM
 
Dreaming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Very grateful.
Posts: 3,316
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We won't be doing sleepovers, either.

edited all my tmi.

DS 6 DD 8
Dreaming is offline  
Old 12-24-2007, 07:06 PM
 
maplesugar's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 713
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I did let ds do some sleep overs when we lived in a nicer, smaller town. (he was six). Where we live no, I don't trust any of the parents I have come in contact with enough. Spanking seems to be real big around here.

I totally understand why someone would not let their dc participate. I had some good times at sleepovers, but also some creepy ones.

It is our job as parents to protect our children. Fact is, some bad things can go down at sleepovers. I think dc will have to be either well into their teens before I'll allow it again.
maplesugar is offline  
Old 12-25-2007, 04:11 PM
 
punkrockmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: SLC, UT
Posts: 385
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I let my dd do sleep overs she is almost 4 and so far she has slept at my aunts house so i could go out for my birthday. Also she has slept over at her best friends house so i could go to night classes. I completely trust her best friends family and we have hung out had dinner at there house and i basicly think of there family as a sudo family. They are her brothers in her and my mind.
I have these grand ideas of being the koolaid mom with 100% juice instead of koolaid and my plans thus far are to know all her friends. to know all the parents and to be involved in her life. I think that by having an open dialogue in her life is the answer. My parents we very strict with me and it backfired. I would rather know who my kid was with and what they were doing then tell her no and having her sneak out later. Which i could see her doing because she is turning out alot like me.
punkrockmommy is offline  
Old 12-25-2007, 04:39 PM
 
rmzbm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 15,098
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
*confused*

If it was a kid from across the street, someone you knew, what's wrong with the kid doing the inviting? Why should his mom be making invitations for him? My ds invites neighbor kids over for dinner (after checking with me or dh). I don't go over and ask for him. Also, I have the other parents' phone numbers on our street and they have mine, so if a kid is asking, we could just call the other parent.
Firstly, we just moved here so NO I don't know these people. Secondly, I stand behind my position that PARENTS should do the asking.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
rmzbm is offline  
Old 12-25-2007, 05:10 PM
 
KBecks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,871
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it's fine to have no sleepovers, there are enough waking hours for kids to hang out and form friendships.

That said, the waking hours require the same level of caution in terms of the things that concern you and that you would prefer your children not be exposed to. And then, in the course of kids becoming independent, they will likely be exposed to everything anyway, but you try and manage the best you can the delay or the values they will bring to the table when they encounter things.

I went on only one sleepover as a child. I was an overprotected child and I didn't have that much fun at the sleepover to be honest. I think daytime parties and outings are just as much if not more fun.
KBecks is offline  
Old 12-25-2007, 05:14 PM
 
BellinghamCrunchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Alpha Centauri
Posts: 4,204
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Actually, I've become paranoid about bedbugs, since they are making a comeback. And they are nearly impossible to get rid of. So I'm nervous about any of us sleeping in other places, including motels.
BellinghamCrunchie is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 08:29 AM
 
pigpokey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Decatur, GA
Posts: 3,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
Firstly, we just moved here so NO I don't know these people. Secondly, I stand behind my position that PARENTS should do the asking.
Ahhh. Well don't pick a battle over this one because some of us encourage our kids to go interact with the neighbors. If a little boy came over and invited my kids to do anything they hadn't been invited to do before (first time asking them to come over to play, whatever) I would assume my "line" in this little play was to call the mom or go over and see her and make sure communication was complete and accurate.

If my kids were asked to play by someone once and I asked the mom and she said "Oh yes sure, we're pretty open door around here" then when I was comfortable with the situation, I certainly wouldn't interfere with the kids if they are inviting each other over to play.
pigpokey is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 08:40 AM
 
pigpokey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Decatur, GA
Posts: 3,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie View Post
Actually, I've become paranoid about bedbugs, since they are making a comeback. And they are nearly impossible to get rid of. So I'm nervous about any of us sleeping in other places, including motels.
This is a good thing to bring up, and I will think about wanting to check mattresses for signs before accepting accomodations (as I understand you can do this, and people were brought up to do it in times past). It's a fairly quick easy thing.

Or I could use a Bed Bug Detecting Dog to visit people's houses first. I'm sure sending a puppy to three months at a canine academy would be expensive, but what price to put on peace of mind?

http://www.absolute-sense.com/bedbugs_ourservices.html

I'm pretty into the bed bug detecting dog idea. Then I could maybe get a doctor's note that I'm allergic to bed bugs (isn't everyone?) and take my dog traveling with me as a service dog.

What I like about MDC is all the great things I learn googling that enhance my life, because of terms generated by MDC discussions.
pigpokey is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 10:54 AM
 
whateverdidiwants's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Exiled in Bi-ville
Posts: 2,938
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by KBecks View Post
That said, the waking hours require the same level of caution in terms of the things that concern you and that you would prefer your children not be exposed to.

All of the creepy/sketchy things that happened around me during sleepovers happened after the parents went to bed, so there was a lot less supervision, or chance that someone would unexpectedly walk in the room. We won't be allowing sleepovers until dd is at least a teenager, and even then it will be limited to people we know very very well.
whateverdidiwants is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 04:28 PM
 
pigpokey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Decatur, GA
Posts: 3,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
FWIW I don't remember anything happening that was creepy or sketchy at elementary school sleepovers in the 70s. I don't remember anything bad happening when I attended a week of Girl Scout camp the summer I was 8 when we slept for a week in a platform tent without a counselor. When I was a GS counselor the summer I was 17 (was treated as an adult because I'd completed a year at university), we slept apart from the kids. I don't remember hearing that the kids did anything weird. I was with elementary age kids; the older than Juniors crowd had some discipline issues. Any time you are not in hands on control of your kids' environment ... I just don't know for sure that it would make a happier adult to be raised one way or the other.
pigpokey is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 09:54 PM
 
Stayseeliz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: South Carolina, Y'ALL!!
Posts: 4,324
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My children are only allowed to spend the night with family. Blanket policy, no exceptions.

Stacey reading.gif Happy wife to Rick coolshine.gif ,homeschooling Mama to Jacob, Noel, Joanna jumpers.gif  and a sweet stork-girl.gif due in the Spring!
Stayseeliz is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 10:15 PM
 
BellinghamCrunchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Alpha Centauri
Posts: 4,204
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pigpokey View Post
This is a good thing to bring up, and I will think about wanting to check mattresses for signs before accepting accomodations (as I understand you can do this, and people were brought up to do it in times past). It's a fairly quick easy thing.

Or I could use a Bed Bug Detecting Dog to visit people's houses first. I'm sure sending a puppy to three months at a canine academy would be expensive, but what price to put on peace of mind?

http://www.absolute-sense.com/bedbugs_ourservices.html

I'm pretty into the bed bug detecting dog idea. Then I could maybe get a doctor's note that I'm allergic to bed bugs (isn't everyone?) and take my dog traveling with me as a service dog.

What I like about MDC is all the great things I learn googling that enhance my life, because of terms generated by MDC discussions.

You are exploiting my bedbug paranoia to make a sarcastic response. It actually does help me put my bedbug phobia into perspective to get laughed at - but unfortunately there is an old post in Health and Healing that is 9 months long about a family that has "just about gotten rid of all the bedbugs, finally, keep fingers crossed" which makes my phobia come back - and I'm pretty sure you weren't posting with my well-being in mind otherwise I'd say thanks. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=bedbugs
BellinghamCrunchie is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 10:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
leafylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Southeastern Illinois
Posts: 1,949
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I respect all of your approaches and I especially appreciate hearing from those with the same or similar policy.
leafylady is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 10:25 PM
 
alexsam's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,191
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had sleepovers all the time. They were really fun. But, to each his/her own. People base things on their own experiences, so I don't think I would try (or want to) convince others. I'd love to have kids sleep over here. I'm ok with DS going out... Of course, I'd take it on a case-by-case basis. I think I'd be happier with more of a group thing (a few kids at a sleepover party). Camp is great.
alexsam is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 10:40 PM
 
pigpokey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Decatur, GA
Posts: 3,067
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie View Post
You are exploiting my bedbug paranoia to make a sarcastic response. It actually does help me put my bedbug phobia into perspective to get laughed at - but unfortunately there is an old post in Health and Healing that is 9 months long about a family that has "just about gotten rid of all the bedbugs, finally, keep fingers crossed" which makes my phobia come back - and I'm pretty sure you weren't posting with my well-being in mind otherwise I'd say thanks. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=bedbugs
You will or won't believe that it was not sarcasm. Bedbugs scare me silly. I would like to have a dog that will detect them, skin cancer, and go with my child to sleepovers to keep her from being molested by someone's father. I spent probably 30 minutes because of the bedbug google researching protection dogs generally and considering when I would have the resources for one.

However, I probably need to research bedbugs to determine if encountering them is a far outlier event. Molesters, no, not far outlier.
pigpokey is offline  
Old 12-26-2007, 10:52 PM
 
shantimama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 10,909
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 14 Post(s)
My kids have done very few sleepovers. We are okay with it with families we know well .

I have to say I get irked when I meet other parents who are strict in their rules that the children can only play or sleep over at their house - I say no to that. My children are all school age, 8 and up, not little wee ones any more BTW. I respect their right to make such rules, but I have the right to say no to that arrangement. What if my child wants the support and security of their own home? I have met a few moms who basically say that only their child's needs really matter and that they trust no one else with their kids. Umm, gee, thanks for the insult. You are entitled to that opinion, but it sure doesn't engender trust on my part. If there isn't mutual trust and respect, I see no need for a sleepover, kwim? When a mom looks at me and basically says she doesn't think it is safe for her child to be under my care, fine, but you can be darned sure I will not be entrusting my beloved ones to her care either :
shantimama is online now  
Old 12-26-2007, 11:08 PM
 
Jessy1019's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Flemington, NJ
Posts: 3,222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shantimama View Post
I have to say I get irked when I meet other parents who are strict in their rules that the children can only play or sleep over at their house - I say no to that.
I was telling my mom about this conversation the other day, and that was one of the things that really bugged me. I would not allow my child to sleepover at a friends' if I knew their mom had the rule that it always be at their house. I think it's unfair not to allow my child to reciprocate at her home, and I think it's a bit fishy and insulting too.

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
Jessy1019 is offline  
Old 12-27-2007, 12:26 AM
Banned
 
BiscuitBaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
.
BiscuitBaby is offline  
Old 12-27-2007, 12:42 AM
 
wonderwahine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: wi fi didnt do it!
Posts: 9,295
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitBaby View Post
Since my DD was molested by a minor, 12 years older, I am more concerned with the older siblings of a friend when/if she spent the night. The molester was a child in a family that I had known before she was born.

Also, when I was a teenager and spent the night at a friends house, it led to a lot of umm...trouble because I was spending time with her older brother at night when everyone was sleeping. I was in high school and he was over 21. :

I am trying to keep my kids closer to me because of my experiences. Who knows what will happen in the future. As of now, my 5 year old isn't interested or ready for a sleepover.
most molesters are known to the familys and victims. I'm not concerned about the molestation risk really, just about ds's special needs and him needing a specific environment and routine.
wonderwahine is offline  
Old 12-27-2007, 12:48 AM
Banned
 
BiscuitBaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
.
BiscuitBaby is offline  
Old 12-27-2007, 12:49 AM
 
wonderwahine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: wi fi didnt do it!
Posts: 9,295
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitBaby View Post
I know that. I knew that at the time, but I didn't expect it. I didn't see it coming. I failed her once. I won't do it again.
I know I wasn't implying you would, more saying it to point out sending kids to only "known" family houses can be even more dangerous than "strangers"
wonderwahine is offline  
Old 12-27-2007, 02:18 AM
 
BellinghamCrunchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Alpha Centauri
Posts: 4,204
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pigpokey View Post
You will or won't believe that it was not sarcasm. Bedbugs scare me silly. I would like to have a dog that will detect them, skin cancer, and go with my child to sleepovers to keep her from being molested by someone's father. I spent probably 30 minutes because of the bedbug google researching protection dogs generally and considering when I would have the resources for one.

However, I probably need to research bedbugs to determine if encountering them is a far outlier event. Molesters, no, not far outlier.
I believe you. Sorry I assumed you were being sarcastic. I was certain someone thought my bedbug paranoia was over the top. Lice I can handle; scabies, even... but bedbugs? No way.
BellinghamCrunchie is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off