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It's not FAAIIIRRRRR!!! (cue sobbing here)

690 views 18 replies 13 participants last post by  Adele_Mommy 
#1 ·
Okay...I have a 5.5-year-old DD who, understandably, wants everything to go her way. When it doesn't, she often screams "It's not FAIR!" and sobs and cries. It's almost always completely out of proportion to what she didn't get to do or see or have. It also happens when her sister gets more of something than she does, or a longer turn at doing something.

I know this is normal....I just don't know how to respond. Usually I explain that we shouldn't expect things to always be fair, because they aren't. (It seems fair when SHE gets a longer turn, of course.) Sometimes her reaction is just so absurd that I laugh, and that really makes her POed (understandably). But I have no idea how to explain that not getting the yellow straw, or not being able to hold the spatula, really aren't offenses serious enough to warrant screaming, crying, name-calling, etc.

Will this just get better eventually no matter what I do or is there some way I can help her with these extreme reactions?
 
#3 ·
Yes, I have been there and still go there occasionally. It must be the age.

When my DS #1 (5.5yrs) does this lets say with food "He's got more!" I say "Oh, you must really like.....or....You must really be hungry. If you would like more, when you finish what you have, you just need to ask." I try to take the comparing out of it and make it about his desire not about his brother.

If it is a longer turn you could try "You must really love to help make cookies. Could you help me with measuring the flour or scooping the cookies (whatever comes next)." By addressing what they may be feeling and little distraction talking about what comes next seems to help diffuse the situation. Rather than trying to explain then arguing over what is fair. The less talking the better!

If DS throws a tantrum he goes or I take him to his room. When he is done and ready to join us nothing is said about the fit we just move on. Unless he comes down and begins the fit again then he's back to his room until he's ready to join us. I don't set a time he knows when he is ready and is pretty good about it. I do have him apologize for name calling and if he refuses then back up to his room until he is ready. It is his choice he knows what is expected and he comes down when ready! It works for us.

The book Siblings without Rivalry really helped me with some of the issues of comparing and "its not fair" stuff!! Check it out.

Our DC are very close in age I have a 11/02 and 10/05
 
#5 ·
I agree with Rie about acknowledging the feeling of desire and then trying to move on.

I also love the saying, "fair is not always equal, it's each person getting what *they* need"

now, I have to rephrase it for my 5.5yo, but still, I do explain that how much his stomach needs (or whatever) is completely independent of his brother...yes he's much bigger and he's welcome to more when he finishes his serving and really wants it, but wanting more just to have a bigger pile doesn't make sense (to me
)

I am hoping this will pass, but since I'm in the same boat I can't assure you
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Feb2003 View Post

I also love the saying, "fair is not always equal, it's each person getting what *they* need"


I will remember that! A good way to put it. I wrote it down.

When it comes to household responsibilities and DS #1 may complain I say "DS #2 does what a 2yr old can do and you do what a 5yr old can do." It seems to put it in perspective. DS#2 usually wants to do what DS #1 is doing anyway.
 
#9 ·
Thanks everyone. I have been trying to emphasize that everyone is different and we don't all need the same things. It's just difficult to remember in the heat of the moment.

I don't like taking her to her room when she is tantruming and leaving her there...to me, that sends a message that I will not be there for her when she is out of control. If it comes down to a tantrum, I really want to be there, if only to let her know that it's okay to feel the way she is feeling (feelings are always okay - actions are sometimes NOT, yk?) - I just don't know what to do or say to prevent her getting to that point in the first place.

I read Siblings Without Rivalry, but DD2 is too young yet for me to use a lot of the advice about allowing each child to "have their say." Unfortunately her sister's histrionics and over-reactions are starting to rub off on her...either that or she's just entering one of those challenging stages that kids have until they turn 30 or so.
 
#10 ·
I have the same problem with my daughters... and I *know* I deserve this. I was a middle child and always felt my brothers were getting "more" or "better" than I was. I don't think jealousy is rational... I haven't had much success talking them down.

Here's what I do:
-make everything identical in advance (like two blue plates, two identical cookies at coffee hour, etc..)
-make everything random -- with a coin toss, for instance, I have to set everything up carefully though... getting assurances from both girls that they won't be upset if the other wins and gets her first choice.
-make the kids do the dividing. It's an old trick, but it works so well. If we're dividing a slice of birthday cake or something... if one girl cuts it (my older) and the other girl chooses (the younger), it works very, very well.
-offering to switch. Every once in a while, my older will have gotten the bigger piece of the cookie and still wail that it's not fair. An offer to actually switch usually makes for a quick retreat.
-"this or nothing" If nothing else is working and the unfair crying continues, I'll say that they can have this half-of-the-cookie (or whatever), or if they don't want it, I'll eat it. When faced with this choice, the half-cookie looks a whole lot better than no cookie at all.
 
#11 ·
My dd is an only child and I still totally related to the OP. I get the "It's NOT FAIR!!" overreaction because it is not fair that she needs to go to bed when she is still playing, it's not fair that she has to put away her toys before she comes in when she is chilly because she got all wet, it's not fair that the dog chewed up her toy, but we won't let her kick the dog, etc., etc. Any advice on what to say in these cases?

TIA!
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by nancy926 View Post
Thanks everyone. I have been trying to emphasize that everyone is different and we don't all need the same things. It's just difficult to remember in the heat of the moment.

I don't like taking her to her room when she is tantruming and leaving her there...to me, that sends a message that I will not be there for her when she is out of control. If it comes down to a tantrum, I really want to be there, if only to let her know that it's okay to feel the way she is feeling (feelings are always okay - actions are sometimes NOT, yk?) - I just don't know what to do or say to prevent her getting to that point in the first place.

I read Siblings Without Rivalry, but DD2 is too young yet for me to use a lot of the advice about allowing each child to "have their say." Unfortunately her sister's histrionics and over-reactions are starting to rub off on her...either that or she's just entering one of those challenging stages that kids have until they turn 30 or so.


I understand what you are saying about sending your DD to her room. For my sake I feel I need to explain.

I should not have used the word tantrum in our case. Dictionary.com says: "a violent demonstration of rage or frustration; a sudden burst of ill temper."

It is more just whining and complaining sometimes hurtful words. At 5.5 he is very good at verbally expressing himself. Before my children can speak well I definitely let them have it out in my presence. At 5.5 DS sometimes needs some space to settle or change his heart and will seek out that space on his own (whether it is his room or another place). Then we are able to talk if he or I need to, but we don't always need to. I found I was trying to talk it out too much in the heat of it. So I've tried talking less during that time and giving him space, it works better for us. We all know our children best and do our best with raising them.

Check out chapter 4 "Equal is Less" in Siblings w/o Rivalry. Since it is your older DD that is having issues with fairness. There are ideas there you can use for her.

Yes DC #2 sure learns quickly watching their older sibling!

I do count crackers for snacks and I use the timer quite often for turns. They are also good about sharing...even food as long as the child asks the other and not just takes.
 
#13 ·
For my kids, the primary thing that helps seems to be acknowledging the feelings. The feeling of anger, jealousy, dissapointment, etc, are very real, and sometimes just saying "well, life isn't fair!" dismisses those feelings completely. Something along the lines of "I know, it's hard when you want more cake but you can't have any more, especially when you see your sister getting to eat some" is a lot more constructive than "You already ate your piece! Get over it!!!"

With older, verbal kids, it often is helpful to send the child to another room to cool off, rather than trying to reason with him or her in the heat of anger. It's also hard to keep your own cool with a whiney child who may just need to let off some steam before being ready to accept comfort.
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Adele_Mommy View Post
My dd is an only child and I still totally related to the OP. I get the "It's NOT FAIR!!" overreaction because it is not fair that she needs to go to bed when she is still playing, it's not fair that she has to put away her toys before she comes in when she is chilly because she got all wet, it's not fair that the dog chewed up her toy, but we won't let her kick the dog, etc., etc. Any advice on what to say in these cases?

TIA!
My mom was so right in these situations. She would say, "Life isn't always fair." Made me more upset sometimes, but she's right...that's how life is.

Made me know that the "That's not fair" argument wasn't going to work at all either.
 
#15 ·
Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Maslisch. Excellent book.

-Ask what she's feeling, but give suggestions "Are you mad because the dog chewed your toy?" "YES" "What a bummer" hint: you don't have to 'fix' it. "You wish you could stay up as late as you want."
-If it is you that wants the toys put away, and it is becoming a huge power struggle, do it yourself, cheerfully. This will model the behavior you want, and the toys will get picked up.
-Spend one-on-one time with her
-No, life is not fair, but trying to teach this to a five year old can backfire, big time. They will learn, but it won't be tomorrow.
-Don't take it personally. It ain't about you or your parenting
It's a 5 thang.
 
#16 ·
Rie - thanks for your perspective on the going-to-the-room thing. Sometimes DD goes to her room all on her own (complete with slamming the door...joy), in which case I let her calm down before knocking. I definitely am guilty of trying to "reason" with her when she is already worked up - no way is that productive!

I don't take this stuff personally...I used to want to "fix it" but I am now better at just letting her feel the feelings and work through them. I just get tired of hearing how NOT FAIR everything is when it doesn't go exactly...like...she...wants...every....single.... .day.

I may even be the one that introduced her to that word, unfortunately - I know I have said that, for example, if she is going to have ice cream we need to ask DD2 if she wants some, because it wouldn't be fair to eat it in front of her if she wants some, too. But there's not much I can do about that now.

I spend as much one-on-one time with her as I can. It's very difficult with a 2.5 year old who is still nursing and who uses that to her advantage. But I seek out things for us to do together without DD2 (ice skating, trips to the theatre, etc.) and we always have a good time.
 
#17 ·
i can relate, i was a kid once too
I had major jealousy issues and still do lol . I tell my dd she is 8 and the other is 3 that everything balances out. we all get something more then others at times and less. but we all get it equally at the same time, hope that makes sense

blessings!
Heather
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by laoxinat View Post
-Ask what she's feeling, but give suggestions "Are you mad because the dog chewed your toy?" "YES" "What a bummer" hint: you don't have to 'fix' it. "You wish you could stay up as late as you want."
-If it is you that wants the toys put away, and it is becoming a huge power struggle, do it yourself, cheerfully. This will model the behavior you want, and the toys will get picked up.
-Spend one-on-one time with her
Great suggestions! Thanks!
 
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