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#61 of 73 Old 07-18-2008, 06:06 PM
 
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TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!

Be careful at swimming pools!

I am sorry this is so long. It really struck a chord. I am going to actually do two posts.

I don't want to be too scary, but I also feel compelled to share the following with you. Pedophilia is a paraphilia. So is Exhbitionism etc. Last year we learned that my husband's father is an exhibitionist. He is 59 years old and started at the age of 14 years old. At first, I felt dismissive of this somewhat. Don't get me wrong. I thought it was bad that he would show himself naked to unconsenting people. But I was also "relieved" that it was "hands-off."

As the last year has gone on, we've discovered alot more information. As part of his treatment, he had to write a sexual history. He shared it with us. He is an exhibitionist whose primary victims are 5-12 year old girls!!! 8 or 9 years old seems to be his preferred group. At that age, children know enough about it being inappropriate but are young enough to not have experienced it. The exhibitionist loves the shock factor. HERE is the scary thing. He has done some crazy stuff. He climbed into a yard one time to pretend to check an electric meter with a 6 year old girl in it and exposed himself. Another time he exposed to my husband's neighborhood friend at age 8 when she came over to play. I would guess that he has had a hundred or more victims .

Knowing what I know now, I would worry that anyone with this paraphilia could escalate to a hands on offense. One time he actually did grab a girl (12 or so) in a pool from underneath. Other times he exposed himself while in the water in a swimming pool. I will be much more cautious in swimming pools from now on!

The irony is I always thought of my father in law as good with kids. Why? Because he would play and have a good time with kids. He could get on their level. The problem was (looking back) how often he would prefer the company of kids to adults. I always thought he was just really introverted or lacked social skills with adults. Little did I know it was a sign of predator behavior. I have two daughters, almost 5 and 2 years old.
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#62 of 73 Old 07-18-2008, 09:09 PM
 
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H-E- double hockey sticks no.

We had a single guy in our neighborhood who did not allow any child into his house, just to be on the safe side. He's a sweetheart and a great neighbor (and just got married to a woman and adopted her son -- and now he's a great dad), but he knew how important it was to stay the right social/emotional distance away from kids when parents aren't around. I always use him as my example for how men (and women,I guess) who aren't socially close with kids should behave.


Everyone's instinct advice is right on!
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#63 of 73 Old 07-18-2008, 09:32 PM
 
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Trust your gut, mama

Maxime - Wife to Brian (08.11.2007) - Mommy to Lili Elizabeth (08.12.2008)
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#64 of 73 Old 07-19-2008, 03:44 AM
 
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Have not read all of this thread and probably wont, just adding my little vote...

I am NOT an overreactive person. I tend to always give the benifit of the doubt. (I know, im trying to do better with this)
BUT here, what you have described is NOT ok, and I would not want my daughter around him. Period

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#65 of 73 Old 07-19-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Suzy View Post
We had a single guy in our neighborhood who did not allow any child into his house, just to be on the safe side. He's a sweetheart and a great neighbor (and just got married to a woman and adopted her son -- and now he's a great dad), but he knew how important it was to stay the right social/emotional distance away from kids when parents aren't around. I always use him as my example for how men (and women,I guess) who aren't socially close with kids should behave.
Slightly OT, but I agree with this. DH really doesn't want other people's kids around without their parents. (besides some close long-standing friends who we know and everyone is comfortable with everyone ~ and even then, I'm there too) It's not that he doesn't like them ~ but he would NEVER want anything he did to be misinterpreted by a child or their parent.

When I worked at a church watching kids during different events, there was a ZERO tolerance rule for not being alone with a child. Not in a playroom, not in a bathroom, etc. It was just as much protection for the worker as the child. So that there could be no false accusations.

To OP: I think different families have different levels of what is acceptable/comfortable etc. In our house, we don't kiss on the lips. It's just a rule we have. Now, I don't think that someone who kisses their kids on the lips is a pedophile ~ but I would be uncomfortable if (b/c they do it with their kids) they wanted to do it to mine. I also explain to adults who ask my kids for hugs that my kids prefer to wave or give "high fives".

However, I fully support you following your intuition (and give the 900th recommendation for "Protecting the Gift"). Plus, I think it is appropriate to fill in other parents on the *rules* for your child. I would never be offended if another parent said they prefered that their child not be picked-up or whatever by me or my DH. I agree that if you ask this Dad to not have your DD on his lap and he thinks it's a problem ~ then that would send up even larger flags about him. However, if he respects your wishes, then it may help you determine his motives/mentality.

I'd have to say that I wouldn't "call him out" to other mom's. But as a mother myself, I would want to know if another mom felt that someone behaved inappropriately with their child. Just tread lightly as to not create something that isn't there.
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#66 of 73 Old 07-20-2008, 08:28 AM
 
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There are too many signs here that something just isn't right. Go with your gut. I would be reacting the same way as you are!
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#67 of 73 Old 07-20-2008, 09:14 AM
 
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I always told myself I was over-reacting. However, Like other moms here I say always trust your instincts. I wish I always did.
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#68 of 73 Old 07-20-2008, 10:15 AM
 
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I'm really curious about what he says when you say something to him. (Yes, I'd definitely tell him that it's not ok to have other people's kids sit in his lap. And I'd mention his fascination with girls older than his own child)

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#69 of 73 Old 07-20-2008, 02:21 PM
 
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You need to talk to this guy. OK, maybe nothing is going on. Maybe he's had a brain injury or just isn't that socially adept or whatever. But even if nothing is going on, he needs to STOP this behavior because everyone in the neighborhood is going to think he is a pedophile. Someone needs to tell him it's not acceptable. And if he is a pedophile, someone needs to tell him to STOP too.

Good luck!
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#70 of 73 Old 07-21-2008, 09:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beansricerevolt View Post
Many pedophiles will do what is called "grooming". They will compliment and make comments to gain trust, make you feel good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6
No, not if you've read Protecting the Gift. Most pedophiles are charming people. They have to be to get past your defenses. They "test the waters" with complements, and they try to ingratiate themselves with people so that you're more reluctant to say "stop doing that!"
Yes, I understand that, but the OP said he was making comments in general in front of everyone, not to the victim/child. But yes, LynnS6, I absolutely agree with the 'charming' people comment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by elizawill
maybe, but who cares, yk? unless it's santa claus at the mall (with dh & i right there)...my kids aren't to sit in another man's lap besides daddy or grandpa....and maybe an uncle.
For starters, my kids have never sat on Santa's lap - creepy. My point in my post was that I didn't want people to only focus on the outgoing, creepy ones who seem so obvious in their behavior. I wanted to put info out there to broaden the perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whalemilk
OK. 7-8 is in a similar range, still doesn't go with the assertion the other poster made that a "real pedophile" would stay away from girls that age and go towards the younger ones.
No, that is not what I said, please do not misquote me. I never said a "real" pedophile. That is disgusting.

As for the 7-8 average, that statistic incorporates all 'children' ages 18 and under, so that raises the age by sheer numbers. I also think most children don't talk about their experience until they are older and some children may not even remember or repress the memories. From experience (my own and my DH's, who is a deputy), I have seen the age be a bit younger.

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#71 of 73 Old 07-22-2008, 03:54 AM
 
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Go with your instincts - you don't need to say anything to him or make a big deal out if it, but I would be making sure my kids are never over there alone. And I would be straight forward with my kids - if they asked why they couldn't go over to his house, I would say that I don't feel comfortable with him, and I didn't want them around him.

You're getting a bad vibe for a reason, and you may never know what the reason is, but don't try to talk yourself out of it. If nothing else, this is a good reminder to start talking with your kids about their right to say no to anything that makes them uncomfortable, and to set an example for them about what it means to trust your instincts.
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#72 of 73 Old 07-22-2008, 11:18 AM
 
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Go with your instincts!!! I am not an overly paranoid person with anything (you neighbour definately sends up red flags) but when I get that feeling, I usually trust it - whatever the scenario.

If your gut is wrong, who cares. If it is right and you don't follow instict

I didn't trust my mommy instinct on one occaision in particular that really haunts me, I wish I could go back.
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#73 of 73 Old 07-22-2008, 02:38 PM
 
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Yeah, most men have the social intelligence to not fawn over children other than their relations, especially with physical touching, especially after only 2 weeks of introduction. My DH is very conscious of this and would NEVER EVER EVER do this to another little girl. EVER.
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