My son wants to be a girl (update, #33, not good) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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OP, I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but THANK YOU for standing by your son. You're handling this beautifully and he will remember how much you love and support him.
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#62 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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Apparenly Uncle B is also upset that I am spending money on clothes for the kids when they have perfectly decent clothes already. How I spend my children's support money isn't up to him, but it p*sses him off and I guess he vents it along with the clothing issue.



And I do see the situation as becoming much, much more tough. Now I feel uncomfortable in the house - less like an extended-family member and more like an unwanted guest who's overstayed her welcome. All of this has come about in less than a week, too. That's part of what makes it so hard to deal with. (We've been there over 4 months.)

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are going through this, and I think you are wise to consider how you can transition away from living with Uncle B's family. It sounds like things are changing, and while you were welcome before and it worked for 4 months, things are changing, and you are wise to prepare for something new and considering your next steps.

It's such a difficult place for you to be in, but I'm sure you are smart and strong and will find something that works. Whether you leave their house right away, or choose to stay a little while and survive the difficulty while you make other plans. It's hard to ask for help, but you and your family need a place where you are welcome and where you are safe, whether that means going to your parents, other family, other friends, or various support organizations. And you need a safe transition and a little time to think through your plans of what's next so you can choose what you feel is the best option.

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts... Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but have faith in yourself to lead your family and find something better.
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#63 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 01:40 PM
 
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The man thinks he has a right to tell you how to raise your child and how to spend your money. His wife defers to him even when she disagrees with him and agrees with you.

Honey, you're rolling right toward an emotional abusive situation here. Get out now.
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#64 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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I can offer no advive, but like others, I couldn't not read with out responding and offering virtual support. I think you are an awesome mother for accepting your son for who he is and acknowledging his feelings (which there are so many out there that would not).

I just hope you can find a support group - not because you aren't strong, but because so many others are weak when it comes to everything that isn't mainstream.

And I hope you find a way to get away from the influence of Uncle B.
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#65 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 02:16 PM
 
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I'm an hour northeast of Houston. The offer really stands. I don't know if moving farther away from your family would ultimately help you, but we're here.

You're right about the weather, but I was actually referring to the conservative social 'climate' around here. We are the hippie alternative freaks around here and everyone treats us great so far, though. So......I take what I can get. To get my alternative needs met, I head over to our church, the closest "welcoming congregation of UUs, which means they are LGBT friendly...and they're biracial friendly and just about everything else you can put a title to. I love it.
I feel so sad for you mama that you aren't getting the support from your current situation, but way to go Past_VNE! what a wonderful, selfless offer! I hope that perhaps you ladies can get this into a plan and support each other.

Heather, mama to Harriet, Crispin, in with Tom and 2
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#66 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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SeekingSerenity- My son is the same age as yours. He's also on the autism spectrum. He's wanted to be a girl for years. All he does is pretend he's a girl or a princess. All the time. At home and in public.

His preschool actually said he needed to see a psychiatrist! (we went and the psychiatrist said that he's seen many boys go through this and it's not something to worry about. Although being bullied is something that will probably happen).

Right now, I'm reading the book It's Not the Stork to him. We are going through it every day. I will also talk about how a baby is a boy or a girl even when growing inside the mom. I will tell him that bodies don't magically change (no, I'm not going to talk about sex change operations). I tell him that he's a boy and he will grow up to be a man.

I want to try to make sure my son understands the science part of things before I really get into the whole pretending stuff.

My son starts Kindergarten on the 2nd and I'm sooo nervous that the other kids won't want to play with him. (all he talks about is princesses and dresses, etc)

Pm me if you want to chat.

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#67 of 104 Old 08-26-2008, 11:16 PM
 
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Best of luck negotiating your way through this difficult time and good on you for doing the right thing by your child. Another resource that might be useful: this recently published book about transgender children. Whether or not that's who your kid is, it's a great non-judgmental book, with tons of illuminating quotes from both parents and children on how it is to live with, or as, a transgendered child.

Best wishes to you and your Punkin - you are both brave and wonderful.
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#68 of 104 Old 08-27-2008, 12:02 AM
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I think you should take Past_VNE up on the offer of the apartment!
Seriously, I believe she meant it -- this isn't the time for social niceties... I would stay with her. "uncle" B sounds like a royal UAV.

mama
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#69 of 104 Old 08-27-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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I know Past_VNE; she is a wonderful mama, and if I were in your situation and she offered, I'd be at her place in a heartbeat! It's a beautiful farm.

I think you're a great mother and you've got to get out of that house. What a shame.

~*Kristi*~
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#70 of 104 Old 08-27-2008, 02:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Past_VNE View Post
I'm an hour northeast of Houston. The offer really stands. I don't know if moving farther away from your family would ultimately help you, but we're here.

You're right about the weather, but I was actually referring to the conservative social 'climate' around here. We are the hippie alternative freaks around here and everyone treats us great so far, though. So......I take what I can get. To get my alternative needs met, I head over to our church, the closest "welcoming congregation of UUs, which means they are LGBT friendly...and they're biracial friendly and just about everything else you can put a title to. I love it.
: What a kind offer to make to someone you have never met. I felt that it needed to be reiterated. :

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And I had to add that I love MDC. You mamas are ALL awesome (esp those of you offering your places). It's making me teary.
same

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Seriously, I believe she meant it -- this isn't the time for social niceties... I would stay with her. "uncle" B sounds like a royal UAV.

mama
I third the vote to move to the farm!!!! Please keep us updated.
to you and your little pumpkin
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#71 of 104 Old 08-27-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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OP, I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but THANK YOU for standing by your son. You're handling this beautifully and he will remember how much you love and support him.
ITA with frog

's to you and your son.
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#72 of 104 Old 08-28-2008, 02:53 PM
 
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(((Hugs.))) I hope that you can get things worked out soon.
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#73 of 104 Old 08-28-2008, 03:39 PM
 
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FWIW I'd like to add that I think there are lots of little boys out there like yours. Mine is one of them. He's 5.5 and still very iterested in being a girl, wearing dresses, princesses, nail polish, make up, etc. Unfortunately we live in a social climate that makes life hard for these little guys. My DS has already learned when to share his liking of girly things and when to hide them. Thank goodness for supportive Mammas like you who know how to love and support boys like ours. So sorry to hear about the abusive situation with the Uncle...I am another vote for getting yourself and your kiddos out of that situation as quickly as you can. It's the best thing you can do for all of you.
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#74 of 104 Old 09-29-2008, 09:30 PM
 
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living situation, I hope you were able to move so your son could wear his girls clothes with no problem.
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#75 of 104 Old 09-29-2008, 09:57 PM
 
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It sounds to me like Uncle B has some hidden urges of his own..... that even HE isn't fully aware of.
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#76 of 104 Old 09-29-2008, 10:23 PM
 
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I couldn't read that entire thread and not respond. First thing, : you are a seriously rockin' mom : your boy is so very lucky to have a mom that loves, understands and supports him.

Second, I think if I were in your position I would run like my butt was on fire to Past_VNE's farm. Every member of your family needs love and support right now and it seems like there is an abundance of it there.

Third, Uncle B is behaving like a ua violation. I'm sending you good vibes and strength to deal with him and his closemindedness.

Good luck, keep us posted!

Solo Mum to 4 and loving every minute of it!!!!
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#77 of 104 Old 09-29-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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I'm also wondering how you and your son are doing now.. Any updates?

~e, wife to my sweet T , mama to my turtleman (12) , sunshine (9 ), and monkey (6)
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#78 of 104 Old 09-30-2008, 07:54 AM
 
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me too

living light husband wife loving life two sons to birth for our light loving earth. :
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#79 of 104 Old 09-30-2008, 07:59 AM
 
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DS loves to do traditionally "feminine" things but there are lots of men who do and they don't have gender or sexual orientation issues. And if my DS does, I don't care, I love him anyway.
I agree. The kid is just 5. Just let him do what he feels comfortable doing. Why does it have to mean anything in any direction?? He's just being himself and that's all that matters.

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#80 of 104 Old 10-01-2008, 11:01 PM
 
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s

To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
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#81 of 104 Old 10-01-2008, 11:38 PM
 
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I'm also wondering how you and your son are doing now.. Any updates?
Yeah, I'm wondering how things are going to. I really hope things are getting better.

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#82 of 104 Old 10-02-2008, 12:11 AM
 
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I'm hoping it all has worked out for you and your precious DS. {{{hugs}}}
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#83 of 104 Old 10-02-2008, 08:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quick reply... not much time...

THANK YOU so much to everyone for continuing to think of us and send supportive vibes. DS still wants to be a girl, and although he's changed his "name" half a dozen times (today he is Anya, yesterday he was Samantha) it's always still a feminine name. He doesn't wear his girl-clothes anymore, though he still asks for his bejeweled outfit at least every other day! I can't let him wear them here, and he's stopped throwing fits about that. He's actually taking the rules better than I am! Still, I don't say anything to rock the boat, and we're just hanging on for now.

Per the rules, I don't openly "encourage" DS to think of himself as a girl. But honestly, I don't (I simply can't) discourage it either.

I don't know how much longer we will be here in this situation. But I hope to keep updating everyone... I don't get much time on the computer anymore! That's something else that seems to be... a point of contention. Oh well, that's another thread entirely! Thank you again for thinking of me!!

)O(   Far-away Mama to: Pooka (16)...Alex (14)...Mickie-Lamb (13)...Solo Mama to: Punkin' Seed (8)...Tootsie Pop (6)...Lil' Man (3) and a yikes2.gif due February 2012

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#84 of 104 Old 10-03-2008, 04:46 AM
 
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I took a peek at the pictures in your siggie (and the album they are in). Your kids are beautiful! I noticed that your DS has the same brown, Sesame Street sandals as my DD. So I was thinking that maybe you could tell him that you "know" a little girl with the same sandals and they could be his "secret GIRL sandals."

I really hope everything works out for your family. You seem like a great mama.

Homeschooling, etsy-crafting Mama to spunky DD (12-04) and wife to DH.
 
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#85 of 104 Old 10-03-2008, 05:05 AM
 
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s i knew a little boy with similar feelings a few years ago. it is hard to know what to do. i have not read the whole thread but have often wondered if that is something that is physiologically normal or if it indicates an imbalance in something. hormones? thyroid? endocrinology? i hope you find a supportive home to be in where all of you can thrive.
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#86 of 104 Old 10-03-2008, 12:23 PM
 
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Not to be all gloomy-gus, but kids frequently act like they're okay with something, to please their parents, when they really aren't. S/he may just be shoving this all inside because s/he's picked up that it causes contention, and s/he doesn't want to be the source of that trouble.

You're a good mom to let your children be who they are. Consider the offer to move to the farm, or look for some other cohousing situation. Don't let yourselves stay in another (emotionally) abusive situation.

And keep us updated when you can. We'll be thinking of you.

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#87 of 104 Old 10-03-2008, 02:18 PM
 
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First of all, on getting out of the original abusive situation. That takes a lot of strength, of which you are obviously not in short supply. You are doing such an awesome job of supporting your son. And I hope that for your and your son's sakes you find a much better living situation than the one you're in currently. If someone offered a farm apartment for my children and me to live in, I'm pretty sure I'd jump at the chance. Another vote here for you to seriously consider that. Also, I know that if you google "single mother cohousing" there are several websites that come up, and you could probably narrow it down to a local search. Might be worth looking into as an option.

Single student mama to dd 5/04 and ds 11/07.

 

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#88 of 104 Old 10-03-2008, 02:19 PM
 
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just couldnt help but send hugs

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#89 of 104 Old 10-03-2008, 09:48 PM
 
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Quick reply... not much time...

THANK YOU so much to everyone for continuing to think of us and send supportive vibes. DS still wants to be a girl, and although he's changed his "name" half a dozen times (today he is Anya, yesterday he was Samantha) it's always still a feminine name. He doesn't wear his girl-clothes anymore, though he still asks for his bejeweled outfit at least every other day! I can't let him wear them here, and he's stopped throwing fits about that. He's actually taking the rules better than I am! Still, I don't say anything to rock the boat, and we're just hanging on for now.

Per the rules, I don't openly "encourage" DS to think of himself as a girl. But honestly, I don't (I simply can't) discourage it either.

I don't know how much longer we will be here in this situation. But I hope to keep updating everyone... I don't get much time on the computer anymore! That's something else that seems to be... a point of contention. Oh well, that's another thread entirely! Thank you again for thinking of me!!
My heart goes out to you and your son, well to ALL your children. Its very hard to leave an abusive situation and be on your own, and be living in a different families space. i found myself in that sort of situation a few years ago and it was very hard for all of us, and i know where you are coming from wrt to 'rocking the boat'

im sorry this man is judging your parenting abilities(having a transgender child does not make you a bad parent, nor does spending time online!).

I hope that you and PAST VNE have an open dialogue going on-perhaps that would be a really great solution and you could get a better springboard into your own place in that area of the state(if im understanding correctly that her farm is closer to a large city than the place you currently live)
plus there would be more resources for a single mama there?

please sign up for the holiday helper thread, so people can send your son some nice gender neutral or girl things-even if you keep them in a box in your cars' trunk, at least he would have some nice things of his own!(i have a wonderful gymnastics outfit that i would love to send him-its long pants and long shirt-black and green velvet with sparkles and ruffles-very cool!)

there was a dateline nbc special about young children that live as the opposite sex-it was very good and it talked about the very real problem that children that are forced to deny the gender they feel they really are, having extremely high rates of addiction, mental illness, and suicide. perhaps watching that would help 'uncle b' to see a new perspective?

you have all my hugs and support-you are doing an amazing job, and i pray you will find a way out of that house ASAP.

a

Heavily tattooed and Dready Mama to my girls. YES we are STILL NURSING! love to and
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#90 of 104 Old 10-05-2008, 04:50 AM
 
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I am so glad to hear you are doing ok. Sounds like you are trying your hardest to make the best of your situation. I hope things will get better for you. It is sad that people feel they must dicate how to raise others kids. Believe me my ex MIL was just as bad when I started allowing my DS to express his feminine side. I just told her no support no say. Chris is doing great and is very happy. It is interesting that he almost always wears what would be considered girls clothes and insists his hair is up in ponys or braids and yet he will play sometimes more like the boys. Not often but he will. As long as they are happy and healthy who cares what they wear or how they play.
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