My son wants to be a girl (update, #33, not good) - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 105 Old 11-25-2008, 04:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, so we don't live with Uncle B and the "BF" anymore.

Unfortunately, we had to accept help from the kids' dad, who's renting us a place and sees the kids almost every day.

However, I must say that, for my son at least, this situation has helped him tremendously. I can't say how much happier he seems to be. He laughs and plays and wears his "girl-clothes" whenever he wants (which isn't every day, but he doesn't have to cry when I tell him "NO" anymore). He plays with dolls, barbies, princesses, fairies, etc. He calls himself Ariel Diane (from the Little Mermaid, combined with his sister's middle name) and I'm no longer afraid that Uncle B is going to exclude him because he calls himself a girl. I even bought him some long-sleeve shirts from the girl section. You can't tell they're girl clothes, except for the butterflies on the inside of the collars. He loves it!!!

Also, for as unaccepting as his father can be in all things that concern transgenders, gays, etc., although I've never specifically told him I believe my son could be transgendered, the dad seems to actually be more tolerant of it than "open-minded" Uncle B or even "BF" was. (She changed her mind regarding the issue when Uncle B put his foot down, and went from being supportive to condescending and doubtful. ) The second week we were here, Dad brought a couple of toys over for the kids and he brought my son his very own Mariposa Barbie with huge pink, sparkly wings. When I asked about it, he shrugged and said, "It's what he wanted, right?" I mean... wow.

More in a bit, the baby's crying! :


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#92 of 105 Old 11-25-2008, 05:08 PM
 
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I'm so glad things are getting better.
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#93 of 105 Old 11-25-2008, 05:14 PM
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Me too, and I just wanted to say your children are soooooo beautiful You make really gorgeous kids
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#94 of 105 Old 11-25-2008, 06:18 PM
 
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I am very happy to hear your update! So glad that you have some help (even if it's not from the person you want it from right now) and impressed with how dad is dealing with this. I hope things continue on the road to goodness!

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#95 of 105 Old 11-25-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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so glad things are better!

Heather, mama to Harriet, Crispin, in with Tom and 2
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#96 of 105 Old 11-25-2008, 10:08 PM
 
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I just read through this thread and was wondering if there are any updates?

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with #4 edd 4/15 Wifey to my "geek" : David 
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#97 of 105 Old 11-26-2008, 03:39 AM
 
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I empathize with your situation. It's broken my heart when I've seen other children be mean or spiteful to my son and I'm sure it pales in comparison to what could come your son's way by children and ignorant adults. But ultimately, your love and your respect will mean so much more to him than what strangers or casual acquaintences think. He needs to know that you want him to be what he wants to be and that you love him unconditionally. It's hard to show that if you are telling him he can't express himself. If he wants to be a princess for halloween, then let him! Whoever this uncle is, you should have a conversation with him and tell him you expect him to respect your son's choices or maybe he shouldn't be spending time around him.

As for whether he will truly want to be a girl as he gets older, that's hard to know at this point. He's only 5. Ask yourself if you had a daughter instead of a son and she wanted to dress like a boy and liked sports and didn't like any girly things at all, would people be as worried? Liking girl things is can be fun. And again, he's only five. Really hard to know until a person starts going through puberty what their gender/sexual orientation will be. I was a pretty hardcore tom boy until I was about 6. I'm not saying "he'll grow out of it" - he may not, and if so it sounds like he is lucky to have a mom who will love and respect him regardless. Good luck with this; I really do feel for you and hope that you can help him navigate the dangeous social terrain.

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#98 of 105 Old 11-26-2008, 04:02 AM
 
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I'm so glad to see that your living situation changed. And that your kids all seem so happy.

Danielle, fabric artist, mama to Eleanor 5/05 and Charlotte James 09-26-09
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#99 of 105 Old 11-26-2008, 04:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elizabeth2008 View Post
Whoever this uncle is, you should have a conversation with him and tell him you expect him to respect your son's choices or maybe he shouldn't be spending time around him.
We no longer have contact with Uncle B. For the record, I'd had several conversations with him on the subject, and I was more or less told it was Uncle B's way or the highway. There was no intelligent conversation available on the topic. He believed I was ruining my son, endangering him and I simply was not allowed to let my son be himself. He was apparently threatened by the idea that a five-year old boy may be pretending to be a girl even when he, the adult, wasn't around. Well, that's over now. My son can be exposed to more mature influences at this point.

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As for whether he will truly want to be a girl as he gets older, that's hard to know at this point. He's only 5. Ask yourself if you had a daughter instead of a son and she wanted to dress like a boy and liked sports and didn't like any girly things at all, would people be as worried?
It's not that I have a problem with it - it was everyone else that seemed to have the issues. No, no one cared a whit that little girls wanted to wear pants and play ball and hunt lizards, but it was like stop the world!! when a little boy wanted to put on a dress and carry a purse and play with Barbie dolls.

In any case, if it's a phase, it's certainly a unique one in terms of how long it's lasting and how it's evolving. Having had so much experience with kids (though this proves that I am certainly no expert!), I am not used to something that is actually a phase panning out like this. It's becoming more and more involved, and he is ever more insistent upon the fact that "I'm a girl, mom, not a boy." If he had been pushed in this direction by the actions of his father, who often fixates on the daughter and not the son, then it makes no sense that my son would be even more outspoken in his beliefs now that his father is actually... well, not affirming it, but at least accepting it, in a way. He's not making a big deal out of it. (He DOES believe the boy will outgrow this.)

I just want to support my child no matter what the situation turns out be. And I am glad to be away from those who would exclude, mistreat or judge a five-year old for something that they, as adults, should be able to just get over.


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#100 of 105 Old 11-26-2008, 05:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SeekingSerenity View Post
I just want to support my child no matter what the situation turns out be. And I am glad to be away from those who would exclude, mistreat or judge a five-year old for something that they, as adults, should be able to just get over.


It sounds like you're doing a good job of just that, despite some very trying situations. It's amazing how often our adult hang-ups get in the way of our ability to let kids be kids.

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#101 of 105 Old 11-26-2008, 06:32 PM
 
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I just wanted to throw some support your way - I know you've already gotten tons of it.

In college I had a professor who amazed me from the very first moment I saw him. He was so graceful, he filled a room with it. He had a winning smile, and the softest, most gentle voice. He was so incredibly feminine, and yet seemed so happy and secure. He filled a room when he walked in. After a couple of semesters taking his classes we became friends and once I asked him when he knew he was gay (because he was, which is not to assume your son is) and he told me "I have never been other than I am, I have just always been different, from as early as I can remember." He was clearly very comfortable with himself and he always impressed me. I wished I had been so secure in me.

So good for you for allowing your son to be who he is!

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#102 of 105 Old 11-26-2008, 06:48 PM
 
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SeekingSerenity, I think you're doing a wonderful job with your son.

I hope nobody minds if I kinda tag along on this thread. I won't hijack it, but I do have a three year old boy in my class who feels exactly the same way SeekingSerenity's son feels. Taking notes on his behalf. :

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#103 of 105 Old 11-27-2008, 02:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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SeekingSerenity, I think you're doing a wonderful job with your son.

I hope nobody minds if I kinda tag along on this thread. I won't hijack it, but I do have a three year old boy in my class who feels exactly the same way SeekingSerenity's son feels. Taking notes on his behalf. :
Absolutely - you're so welcome here. And thank you for the support. It's not easy to know what to say or how to handle it sometimes when I'm in public, and someone says "What a handsome young man you are!" to which my brilliant little star replies, "I'm a GIRL!!" I just smile and hug him reassuringly. I won't tell him not to say that... it's what he feels, after all.

Hopefully all the support and kindness I have gotten here at MDC will also help some other mamas out there who might be in a similar situation with their children.


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#104 of 105 Old 11-27-2008, 02:59 AM
 
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Absolutely - you're so welcome here. And thank you for the support. It's not easy to know what to say or how to handle it sometimes when I'm in public, and someone says "What a handsome young man you are!" to which my brilliant little star replies, "I'm a GIRL!!" I just smile and hug him reassuringly. I won't tell him not to say that... it's what he feels, after all.

Hopefully all the support and kindness I have gotten here at MDC will also help some other mamas out there who might be in a similar situation with their children.
I don't doubt that somewhere, at some point another mother or father is going to come on here and read this thread and know that 1) they aren't alone and 2) see that they can support their child, even if the most of the rest of the world doesn't want to. They will also see that there are others out there who are perfectly willing to accept that even at a young age a childs gender may not be dictated by their physiology. Keeping up with this thread has helped me see that the world isn't as bad as it seems.

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#105 of 105 Old 10-07-2015, 10:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's been 7 years...

Completely not sure if it's possible to re-open a thread after seven years, but I suppose I could try! I haven't been on MDC in ages, and I was searching every avenue hoping to find a copy of my now-10-year old daughter's birth story, which I SWEAR I posted on here somewhere. (Evidently not. After three hours of re-reading ancient posts and heart-breaking private messages, I can't find it. Anywhere.)

In any case, about my son who wants to be a girl... it was not a phase. Not by a long shot. She is no longer Thomas but is now Tommi, a name change which is actually in the process of becoming legal. So many life changes have gone on in the intervening 7 years, but of all of them, one consistent detail is that my "son" never stopped "wanting to be a girl."

In fact, as I see it, she always has been a girl. She was born with the incorrect gender assignation, physically. But her heart and head have always known the truth. It's odd for me to now see the old posts where I still called her "him" and "he."

We escaped from her abusive father in 2010, and although I allowed to her to express herself at home, it wasn't until 2013 that she began living "out" as the girl she is. She basically told me one Saturday morning (just before her 10th birthday, mid-way through 4th grade) that she had picked out the dress she was wearing to school on Monday. I couldn't be an emotionally supportive mom who insisted that she be true to herself and simultaneously tell her she could not wear a dress to school. She told me she was tired of pretending. So... she pranced out the door on Monday morning in a dress, with shiny shoes and a ponytail, happier than I'd ever seen her. I was an absolute mess. School started at 8:25 a.m. By 8:40, my phone was blowing up as the school was desperate to know what was going on and why I didn't give them some advance notice.

Other than being forbidden to use the girls' bathroom the remainder of 4th grade, there weren't many problems. She was told to use the nurse's restroom, but otherwise went from being the lonely child on the edge of the playground to being the girl everyone wanted to hang out with. By the beginning of 5th grade, there had been a monumental change to legislation in our state regarding the issue of using the restroom that reflected the child's identified gender. The principal attempted to stop Tommi from going in the girl's restroom only once before I carpet-bombed the school administration with an email containing the exact wording of the new law. The following day, the principal came up to Tommi in the hall and apologized to her. THAT was a good day.

Life is not peaches and cream in all aspects, of course. Despite sweeping changes for the LGB community, the T part is still woefully under-represented. It's getting better, though. Medicaid has begun changing its policies and now pays for Tommi's hormone-suppression shots without argument. I've been told that she won't have issue getting her estrogen shots covered either, although we're still at least a year from that (much to her dismay).

We've been cut off from several family members who believe I am damaging my children, encouraging disparate mannerisms in order to get attention for myself (!) or overly spoiling my kid because I won't "put a stop" to aberrant behavior. She's also had numerous friends turn on her unexpectedly, and has been physically knocked to the ground and pushed around at times. She is amazingly strong, though. She has some rock-solid friends who have her back through thick and thin, has attended quite a few sleepovers with no problems (and I have discussions with the parents beforehand, so as to prevent any unexpected... observations) and even has had several boyfriends (ugh).

We marched in the Pride Parade this past summer, and she's never been more in her element, prancing alongside the PFLAG/TYES float with her rainbow flag, hand-made signs ("Raise Your Hands For Trans") and flowing dress.

That's why I just had to post here, seven years after starting this thread. I remember being so hesitant and fearful, because in my heart I suspected that her words, "I am a girl!" described the truth. It was so difficult back then to counter the arguments that it was a phase, or that she over-identified with me due to the problems with her father. I knew only time would tell, but it seemed like an insurmountable blockage that I was facing alone.

I re-read the post where I'd mentioned that her father had purchased a Mariposa Barbie doll for her, saying that it was what she wanted. Well, that attitude didn't last long at all. It was less than a year later that he blatantly informed me that he "would kill any kid" of his that came out gay, and all transgender meant was "extremely gay." He proclaimed that in front of Tommi. It took a long time for us to get away from that situation of rapidly escalating domestic violence (it got REALLY bad), but we've been on our own for five years now and Tommi is safely out of his sight. (We've had to hide for a long time, just recently getting to a place where it's not a life of constantly being on guard.)

So... I still haven't found that birth story... and we recently lost EVERYTHING of sentimental value that was in a storage unit in Texas for the past five years, due to a friend's unexplained betrayal, to include the numerous memory books of all the kids and, of course, the birth story... but, we shall carry on. It's been emotional to go through all this old stuff, the painful messages from old friends lost to the tumults of DV and the trials of beginning a new life, but it's not all terrible. THIS is a good update, and I just had to share, even though nobody probably even recalls this discussion in the first place!
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