I think my 4yo was sexually abused UPDATE - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 163 Old 10-09-2008, 03:28 AM
 
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I have no advice but just wanted to give some hugs and may you see a healing resolution to this.

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#62 of 163 Old 10-09-2008, 03:40 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not comment.

I'm so glad you have an open dialogue with your dd and that you are taking steps to make this better for her.

I was molested at 4 by a cousin. I didn't know that's what it was until I was 9 and there was a talk at the school. By that time I was already confused because the cousin had told me that molestation was a proper form of play. It left me quite confused and traumatized. I think that till this day I still have major trust issues with people in regards to my kids from that one incident.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#63 of 163 Old 10-09-2008, 04:43 PM
 
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I haven't been able to read through all the posts, but I wanted to give you some information. I apologize if this has already been posted.

I used to run a program whose goal was to limit the number of interviews a child had when they were sexually abused while maximizing the potential for successful prosecution. These programs are called Child Advocacy Centers and there are many located throughout the country. I noticed your location was Baltimore and I found a link to a CAC in your area.

http://www.mdcha.org/membercenters.html

I highly recommend that you call. They will very likely see you and your daughter right away and they will do everything within their power to minimize any further trauma to your child. The biggest factor in whether or not a child has lasting trauma from sexual abuse is how the abuse is dealt with afterward, by both family and the community. The CAC can give you all the resources you need to help your daughter.

You are in my thoughts . . .
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#64 of 163 Old 10-09-2008, 04:50 PM
 
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Popping in here kinda late, but we had the safety conversations with dd on a weekly basis... one dad at the age of four she came out and asked if we would be mad at her if she told us something.... she then went on to tell us that an older cousin had been making her play the "coochie game" with him. Basically we did not ask, we let her tell us everything, and yes he had been molesting her, for god knows how long. she still remembers and I am ever so grateful she told us the truth, even at four, it could have gotten alot worse.

Kristin- Wife to J, Mommy to B (11), M-S (8), and little J (4) and J&J (7 months)
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#65 of 163 Old 10-10-2008, 12:40 AM
 
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Mama, Mama. I couldn't read this without sending all of you a huge . I am so glad you found out . . .the healing can begin.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#66 of 163 Old 10-10-2008, 02:32 PM
 
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OMG. I'm so sorry for you and your family.
Here we have something called Childrens Cove and I think that would be the place to contact if I were ever in your shoes.
http://www.childrenscove.org/

maybe you could contact them and see what resources are available closer to you?
I wouldn't talk to her anymore about it and let a professional deal with it. If it did happen and you'd like to go for a conviction, the more you talk to her yourself, the more it looks like leading.
Good luck

Monther of Riley (11), Andrew (4) and Victoria (7 months)
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#67 of 163 Old 10-10-2008, 10:25 PM
 
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I am so sorry. You are dealing with this so well.
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#68 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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After speaking with a friend of a friend of a friend that is a social worker, we worked out a plan of action. We tried to call the CAC directly, but they said they only dealt with caregiver abuse and that we had to call the police first. So, I called the police and they dispatched a non-emergency officer. We filed the report, and the next day a detective from the CAC called. On Wed. we set up an interview at the CAC. A social worker interviewed her and the detective was on the other side of the one way mirror. The interview was also recorded. I was hesitant to have her interviewed without me present, but it was fine and she did great. She cried a bit at first, so the social worker put a chair in the back for me while they got acquainted. Once bella had come out of her shell, the social worker asked if I could go, and I said I needed to go potty and would be back in a few minutes. We did a high five and a kiss and out I went. I had told her this was an appointment to make sure she knew everything a four year old should know, and that the SW was a friend of Miss Jen (old hcp). She was such a trooper. She divulged some more details, like that the mom (j) had walked in on them once. He called her an evil little girl and repeatedly said he would kill her. The detective and SW said that her statement was extremely credible, and that kids often confuse the number of times, where and when it happened, but WHO and WHAT are almost always accurate. They spoke with me afterwards and let me know that they would be calling their whole family in for separate interviews. From there, it may go to trial or not depending on him. They asked me what we would seek in terms of sentencing, and we said at the very least for him to be registered as a sex offender so that he can't teach or have access to other children. So, now we wait. In the mean time, we start counseling. I think we are going to have to move, because she is not sleeping at all at our home, and is terrified to be there at all. We've been leaving at 7am and staying out until 10pm. We decided to take a weekend at the beach to see if it would reset her. We got here last night, and she slept like a rock. She has told us that she doesn't ever want to go back to our old house, so we'll approach that when we get home.e I was really hoping we'd go to the interview and they would say, oh she said that because of xyz, it didn't really happen to her. But here we are.

hh2.gif

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#69 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 01:34 PM
 
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oh mama have just read your update what's happened to your daughter is every parents nightmare. You have handled it so well and I'm sure that and the help you intend to get your daughter will minimise the harm as much as is possible. I for one certainly hope the abuser gets more than just his name on the sex-offenders list. I am holding you and your family in my heart and thoughts.


Zoe, mama to Thomas 1/06
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#70 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 01:37 PM
 
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hugs mama im so sorry, and your precious little one is such a trooper.
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#71 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 01:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticmomma View Post
I have prayed she would be above this, that I would be able to save her from this.
mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this.
you are saving her.
you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you.

and i'm so so sorry that this happened.
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#72 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 01:55 PM
 
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you have my utmost respect. i can't imagine this being handled better.
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#73 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 02:08 PM
 
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You're an amazing, wonderful mom! I know this must be incredibly difficult for you.

You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
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#74 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 02:09 PM
 
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It really breaks my heart that you little girl had to go through this. I'm so happy that you didn't let this go. IMO this guy and his wife should do some jail time.

: 2:Ma To 6 :12,8,7,5,2,1&
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#75 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 02:10 PM
 
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Oh Mama I'm sorry You've gotten some wonderful advice and I'm so glad you're working with professionals.

I just wanted to mention one thing. I'm a social worker, former family therapist, and one thing I saw time and time again is that the children who had the best outcomes are the children's who's perception of the event hasn't been heightened by hysterical parents do so much better.

I don't feeling like I'm saying it the way I want but, what I mean is that those children whose parents make a huge deal out of it tend to have much more stress and anxiety about the issue. Parents who cling, cry, freak out etc... send children the message that something is seriously wrong and it causes them to have a much more intense emotional response to the event.

Parents who say calm (as you did) and stay matter of fact, stay open and willing to talk but don't push, overly question, get overly emotional, assign a whole host of negative emotions and reactions to the situation tend to have children who come out of situations like this much more adjusted than children who not only have the event but also have to deal with the adult emotions surrounding the event.

I'm proud of you mama!
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#76 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 02:13 PM
 
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you're an amazing mama. keep doing everything you can to let her know she's loved, she's beautiful. she's safe.

anything else i want to say would be a huge uav. i hope your search for justice is fruitful.
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#77 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 03:16 PM
 
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You're an amazing mother
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#78 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 03:27 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're doing everything right.
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#79 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 03:36 PM
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Your family is in my thoughts. Thank you for taking your daughter seriously.
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#80 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 05:44 PM
 
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I`m so, so deeply sorry for your daughter.

You sound like an amazing, loving mama. I am in awe over the way you have handled this. She is truly blessed to have you. Stay strong. I will pray for you all.

*Single, attached Norwegian mama to my LoveBug, 2001*
 
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#81 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your daughter, but so proud of your whole family. I have a friend who went through something similar with her daughter and they were able to prosecute, even without any physical evidence and he ended up serving time and having to register as an offender, even without it getting all the way to trial (so her daughter never had to testify in court). However you choose to procede, I wish you all peace.
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#82 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aileen View Post
mama, she IS above this. and mama, YOU are above this.
you are saving her.
you are a hero, mama, and my heart is bursting with love that you are championing the cause of your daughter's glorious innocence. you are proving to her that she is truly, wholly, valuable and that she will always be above and is no longer in, that terrible moment.
i tearfully commend you.

and i'm so so sorry that this happened.

You are doing a great job! Validating her experience, making sure the "bad guy" gets punished, etc., all that is very important for her (maybe not so much right now, but for sure when she is older, and really can contemplate the whole thing). Not only that, helping her begin to process the violation of her person now is so much better than waiting for 5 or 25 or 30 years. It really will allow her to heal, to learn to trust again, to form appropriate relationships, to believe in herself again, etc.
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#83 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 06:12 PM
 
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It tears my heart that this has happened to your child, especially with as much as you tried to protect her.

You really have been amazing and although something terrible has happened to your precious little girl, she will be able to overcome it because it was handled so well by you and your DH. My thoughts are with you and I hope this predator and his enabling wife are caught and brought to justice.

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

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#84 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 06:29 PM
 
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It makes me sick his wife caught him and didn't turn him in! I'm crying right now. What kind of a woman could see that and cover it up instead of calling the police?

I'm so glad your daughter told you and he'll be caught.

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#85 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 07:51 PM
 
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Are you willing to name the family in question? I live near you and would like to know, if they are still in Maryland. A PM if not openly?
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#86 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 08:07 PM
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I think there might be legal ramifications to that and I hope the OP will get advice about that before revealing the name of the family to anybody. Just a thought.
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#87 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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Thank you so much for helping to warn society about this man.
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#88 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 10:01 PM
 
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I am so glad you will be able to proceed with prosecuting this person. I certainly hope that the sex offender title is just the beginning of his consequences and that he sits in jail for quite some time. As for your family - your daughter is SO lucky to have a mama who believed her and acted in the way you have so as to support her fully yet calmy (on the outside at least) dealt with the police and all of that. Again - you are all in my thoughts and prayers as this may be a long road (trial?) and certainly a journey to healing for all of you. Congratulations for being exactly the mother your child needs. Hugs to you all.

Still a sleepy mama to my fabulous 2 year old girl
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#89 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 10:36 PM
 
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I'm SO sorry, I hope you and your DD can find peace, and hope that creep gets nailed to a cross.
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#90 of 163 Old 10-11-2008, 11:41 PM
 
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Oh, mama, mama. I just read your update. I've been praying for your family.



Your DD is so lucky to have you.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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