Last night we were in bed (mom, dad, 1.5 yo ds and almost 4 yo dd) and having a safety talk. We have been having the "special parts" talk since much younger, and have always instilled no one but mommy/daddy or she should touch her vulva, bottom, or put anything in her vagina.
We first talked about how grown ups shouldn't ask other grown ups for help and asked her what she would do if someone she didn't know told her they lost their puppy and asked her to help look for it. She said she would tell him that she had to go get her dad and they would all look together. Then I asked her what she would do if someone tried to pick her up and take her away. She said she would hit them and scream. I told her she could bite them and poke their eyes and kick and yell. I told her to say "that's not my daddy/mommy!", "FIRE", etc.
She then said something to the effect of, "if he puts his penis in my mouth/face again I will bite it."
So I said, "no one should ever put their penis near your face. You should never see anyone's penis except dad or evan." Have you seen anyone elses penis? She said she had seen A's penis when he peed in her mouth. (A is a former neighbor). I asked about other people and she said no to everyone else except this man and son.
Dad reacted quite a bit with a surprised and angry face, but I remained matter of fact and put a hand up to dh and reminded him we were just talking and not to react.
I asked her when this happened, and she told me "when I was a baby" (which in bella's mind could be last week). She said she was in the hallway and he came up for work. He was going to try to kill her and she ran in the house and tried to lock the door but he banged on it so she ran into our bedroom and hid in the corner. He came in and his penis was "long long long" and he peed in my mouth.
I asked her where J was (A's wife) and she said downstairs with her kids. Another time she said she was away for the week. I asked her where mommy/daddy/evan were and she said "nowhere".
She started to get very scared and wanted to nurse and hide between dh and I. She kept looking frightfully at our bedroom door. That was the end of last night.
Today, I asked her if she remembered what she told me last night. She did and I asked her if she remembered what color the pee was and she said it was white and gray, not yellow like daddy's pee. I asked her to remind me what A looked like and she did it pretty well. We haven't seen these people since July.
I am having a really hard time piecing this together and determining what is fact and what is fiction. To my recollection there was never a time when she was left alone with this man. Whenver she went down to play, I'm pretty sure both parents were home, and we were always right upstairs. We played regularly with them, had each other over for dinner, etc.
There was a time when J (mom) went out of town for a week, but they were never in my home when I wasn't there. She may have gone down once during this time to play for a short period.
There was also a time when J was away that I was watching her two younger children. Her DS is 3 weeks younger than my dd. At one point, I found my dd and her ds in our bedroom and they were naked. Bella told me they were pretending there was no bathroom and they peed on the floor, she by the door, him in the corner (that was a whole other conversation!).
Having been abused myself, I am near vomitting and collapse about this. I am remaining very calm and matter of fact to her, but inside I am dying. How do I figure this out. What is my next step?