Ever since 2.5 year old DD was born DP and I have felt the presence of a little boy spirit waiting to come to/through us. I am not the type to have psychic experiences but this little guy has made himself known to me many times since then.
Then, a week ago, the night after we possibly conceived, I had a dream that I was pregnant with my son (I could feel him in there! I miss that feeling!) and had a dream, within the dream, that his name was Jericho. (I recognized the name from the Bible, and Wikipedia says it is the old continuously inhabited city in the world. So cool. And I've wracked my brain for a boy name for years).
I am especially not prone to revelations in dreams like that. Very powerful.
The next night when I told DP he begged me to take Plan B (someone had given us a box a while back). I really didn't want to, but then again I did. We may need to move the month he'd be due, and I was really looking forward to stepping out a little bit on my own and, well, partying this summer (class reunion, friend's wedding, etc.) and then conceiving again in the fall at the earliest.
So I took it. And cried. But decided that whatever was meant to be would be. If I was already pregnant it wouldn't stop it. But could it already have implanted within those 24 hours? I was near the end of ovulation, so the egg could have been at the end of the Fallopian, near the uterus.
It's been a week, and I feel pregnant. Worse, I *want to be pregnant*!! So badly. Crampy at times, like with DD, slightly nauseated, VERY tired, tender breasts, peeing constantly. Could it be Plan B side effects lasting this long? I hate this grey space, this limbo. It's still too early for a pregnancy test to show anything, period is due in a few days.
What if I had conceived, and had the most important dream of my life in which my baby revealed himself to me, and then I stopped implantation by taking Plan B, and now I feel pregnant and so want to be but it's just the side effects of some pills my heart didn't even want me to take?
I'll know soon enough, but man, the agony of the unknown...
I really don't know what to write.. I had to post something to you though.
I'm not sure of the side effects of plan b but I do *think* they can be hard, and last a few days. I had a friend who took it two months in a row and started spotting/cramping the second time, and felt very 'off' for a week or two.. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that the side effects mimic pregnancy.
As far as your decision to take it, and the presence of your son, I really believe that babies are either meant to come or not- and that their spirits are with us forever, whether or not we birth and care for our child. Everything in life happens for a reason, and is directly tied to everything else. We crawl through, trying to make sense of it all, while struggling to control the universe.. letting go would be so much more peaceful though. I can't tell you how to feel, or not feel, but I will say that you need to embrace your heart and allow yourself to just be.. your feelings are valid and honest, and you have every right to re-examine your decision (though dwelling won't help you heal, at all).
I really hope you are able to be at peace with this, since what's done is done. Take a test in a few days, care for your body and have a very serious discussion with your husband (more about what to do next time, rather than what you could have done this time)...
I've gotta go nurse my babe now, but hopefully that helped at least a little..
I totally understand what you mean, when you say you know there is a boy spirit waiting to be born to you. I have similar feelings/experiences. I know there are more children waiting to be born to us, so to speak. That said, it doesn't mean that it's right now. ( I take this advice to heart myself, we have been TTC for 6 months..)
I truly think that what's meant to be, will be. Try to put it out of your mind until you can know either way ( I have an Answer test that says it predicts like, 5 days ahead of your AF. When is it due? Maybe you *can* test!)
Then you can start from there. s:
Mom to three boys 7/7/00 11/20/02 and 10/29/2011
Writing at: http://paisleymama.blogspot.com/ and other places!
"And when our baby stirs and struggles to be born it compels humility: what we began is now its own." Margaret Mead
After I posted that I had a really good soul-cleansing cry.
The next day I started my period and felt very peaceful about it.
I also miscarried in January, so that is twice now that this boy has come close and then gone again. But we do plan on conceiving again and I have every reason to believe that he will be in my arms someday :-)
Man, fertility/conception/childbearing/being a woman is the craziest/deepest/most complicated/beautiful thing!
I'm glad to read that acceptance and closer has come for you.
I too believe that if you are ment to have that boy, he will come when the time is right for you and him
savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).
Mommy to Kai 2/03, Caden 1/08, Kara 10/09, 3/21/13, &
Cole 2/3/14 ♡ Happily unmarried to Papa since 2002 ♡
~We may not have it all together ♥ but together we have it all~