Becoming a Known Egg Donor - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 3 Old 02-09-2010, 01:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am looking for anyone that can lend some advice.

My SIL and BIL (BIL being my husband's brother) have asked me to donate my eggs. They have struggled with infertility for 2 years now. They have had 2 failed IVF attempts. 4 miscarriages. She has a translocation chromo problem. She is coming to the end of her rope and is anticipating her 5th miscarriage with their next attempt. She had 5 embies frozen but they were unusable after the thawing.

They have asked me to donate my eggs. I am the mother of 5 very healthy beautiful children. My oldest is 8 and my youngest is 5mths. I have 3 girls and 2 boys. My family is complete. I delivered all 5 via c-section. After this last delivery my tubes were tied. My uterus is no longer usable for anymore babies. Our last baby was also our 2nd son which is what completed my family. I am extremely blessed to have these 5 healthy children. I have a very loving and supportive husband.

So with all that said my gut reaction to their request was "Yes absolutely I can do this". Of course that was my gut and I now need to catch my brain up. It has been difficult to find much information on known egg donors. By posting here I am hoping some of you can shed some light on a known experience if any of you have been through this or know someone that has.

I feel that this decision, as life changing as it is, has come to easily. Only my closest friend and husband know of this request and neither of them have said anything to convince me this is a bad idea. My husband's main concern is me and how I will be able to handle this. He isn't exactly committed himself but I think if he is assured I will be OK then he will be OK. Remember this is for his brother. I understand exactly what is being asked of me. I have weighed the pro's and con's and still feel that the con's have not convinced me that this is a risk I should not take. I am not a very religious person but I will say that over the last few days I feel like this favor, that this is my chance to pay back so to speak. My husband and I always ask each other what we did to deserve this life and maybe it isn't what we did but it was to prepare us to be able to give back and in just this way.

Don't get me wrong I have no problem saying no. Believe it would be the easiest thing to do. I by no means feel like I am being guilted into this nor do I feel like I am imposing that on myself.

With that said I don't see anything wrong with feeling the need to give back. I would have never just offered this nor would I have had gone off on my own to become a donor to anyone. They asked me and I don't feel like I owe them an egg because of their misfortunes.

I guess I am not explaining myself properly but I just feel like I really could do this for them and if I couldn't they would never hold it against me. I would hate for this to become a huge regret also Like I said "saying no would be easy" but will I always wonder and regret that I didn't do it?


My concerns are as follows.

Feeling a strong enough connection after the baby is born that renders me not capable of detaching myself.

Despite my strong feelings I am conveying now my DH is concerned with my maternal instinct and it kicking in.

Look I don't know what it is like to suffer through this. I had 5 healthy pregnancies. I loved every minute of them. I also know that my eggs are nothing to me without my husband. I understand that the baby can still resemble me but even that isn't convincing me that I won't be able to detach. I feel the bond I made with my children were during those 9 months. Growing them inside of me, feeding them, making decisions for their well being before they are even born. Feeling the first kicks and the endless hiccups. I honestly believe that that connection won't be there when the baby is born. I believe that my participation in this will be giving them part of the raw materials (please don't be offended by that it's just I do feel a disconnect to my eggs) to put them on the right track. It will be my SIL's responsibilty to nuture him/her or both for 9 months.

Don't get me wrong I know I will always feel something extra special for this baby but in the end he or she is not my baby. I will be the child's Aunt - just an extra special one and that's all.

It has been very difficult to find any information in helping me make this decision. I hope that someone here will be able to share their experience with me. I do have an appt. with a psychologist next Monday to talk with a professional and see if she can tell me I am crazy for feeling this is coming to easily for me.

Thank you in advance and should you want to share but not here please feel free to email me

my2pugs@optonline.net

Cheryl
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#2 of 3 Old 02-09-2010, 10:21 AM
 
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Wow! I can't imagine making that decision myself but it sounds like you have already thought of a lot of things.

One question I might wonder about is will you tell your children one day? Will that seems strange to them that their cousin is also their sister/brother? Will that child feel weird to find out you are really his/her mother? It's a lot to think about...

Obviously you are the only one who is going to know what's right and it certainly would be an amazing gift...just a lot to think about!

Good luck with whatever you choose

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#3 of 3 Old 02-09-2010, 12:28 PM
 
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Have they discussed with their fertility specialists whether you are a good candidate? I'm just asking because I was having a conversation about egg donation with a friend of mine and she told me that generally they are looking more for younger eggs than a history of successful pregnancy (which maybe is more important in a surrogate?) But anyway, she said the ideal candidate for eggs is in their early to mid 20's!

I could be totally wrong, but I'm guessing since you have 5 children, you might be more into your 30's. It could be a non-issue if the specialist says that the chances with your eggs are much less than with a younger donor. I also don't know what the procedure for egg retrieval is, so do you know if it would work with a tubal? And finally, have you looked into the actual process, and what it requires of your body in terms of hormones, injections, fertility medications, and risks?

I think it is wise to consider all the emotional aspects and whether this is something you're capable of. But it might be helpful to first find out if you're even physically capable of donating before you (and your IL's) get too emotionally invested in you being the donor.
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