Coping with husband not wanting more children - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 12-10-2013, 08:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello, I am a mother of two girls (2 and a half years apart) now ages 6 and 3. I am 24, DH is 29. Recently I have been having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that he doesn't want another. We had our first when I was only 18. Of course a surprise! But long story short she ended up being such a blessing and we were so happy she came along! She was the best thing to happen to us and only about one and a half years later DH brought up that he felt we should have another! We discussed it and decided to stopped birth control and just see what happened. Not too long after we found out I was pregnant. We were very happy! So here we are today. I am a stay at home mom. DH is an accountant. He makes good money to be able to support us financially. We bought our first home 2 years ago. We have two vehicles, both paid off. And we have a good savings account. I never shut down the thought of having more children, but in the past several months, maybe even a year, I started seriously considering having another. I feel the time is now better than ever and I don't want our two daughters to get any older before they have a younger sibling. I have brought up the topic several times. At first DH would not take me too seriously and shut me down in a joking sort of way. Then I made it a point to have a serious conversation about it. He would just say that he didn't feel ready or that he was just so happy with the way things are now. I also am happy with the way things are now. In fact, our little family is pretty "perfect". But I feel our family is so happy and perfect, why not make it a little more happy and perfect?! DH had finally said he didn't want to necessarily "try to conceive" but would consider just going off birth control and seeing what happened. I have an IUD/Mirena. I made an appointment to have the IUD removed and told him about it, although he still had not given me his final decision. The morning of my appointment I told him I needed to know whether or not to go or cancel. He finally said NO. He said he just didn't feel ready. I am absolutely devastated. We have not spoken in a couple of days. I am trying to not be mad at him, but at this point its hard for me to even look at him. I have been feeling like I might be going into a state of depression. I have such a desperate need and want for another child. I don't just miss "the baby phase". I long to raise another child and add another member to our family. I want our two daughters to have another sibling. I want to be pregnant and feel a baby human inside of me. I want to give birth and breastfeed. I want go through the exhausting yet exciting and quick newborn phase. I want to teach another child to walk, talk, eat and play. But more than anything I want to expand our family. I have a burning desire to give our two daughters a sibling and to have another child to call our own. But my husband seems to have the same desire to NOT. I am afraid I will resent him forever and always look back and wish and think what could have been. How do I move on? Will these feelings go away? Do I try to talk to him about it again?? What do I do? Why cant I just be happy with the wonderful family we have now?? What do I do???

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#2 of 6 Old 12-15-2013, 03:16 PM
 
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:Hug OP. I have not been in your situation, but I couldn't read and not post. Would talking with your DH and a counselor help? I hope others with "been there" experience will post to share their experiences.


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#3 of 6 Old 12-15-2013, 04:10 PM
 
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I also don't have this experience. How many more children do you want? Do you think one more would be enough? Maybe you could compromise so that you could agree to having just one more knowing that you'd both be sacrificing if you actually want several more. Then you'd have to prepare yourself mentally knowing this is your last baby, and maybe this could give you the closure you seem to need.
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#4 of 6 Old 01-05-2014, 10:58 AM
 
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Hi there, I have actually been in your shoes before. I was 18 when I had my first, she is six almost seven. I was 21 when I had my second, who is a strong four year old boy now.I have wanted another for about two years and my dh was always against the idea; which hurts I know. Last February or March we decided to go ahead and try for another baby. It was such a happy time for me, but something was off with my husband. After two months of ttc he started doubting me and my mothering skills, which turned out to be him doubting himself. A week later he tells me he doesn't actually want anymore kids. He is happy with our family just the way it is and the only reason he agreed to another was to make me happy, but he just couldn't do it. In a situation like that... somebody has to lose. Seeing as how it isn't fair to make a baby when both parents don't want it with all their hearts, I lost and the topic was closed. I was very bitter about the whole ordeal. Most of all I was so sad. Well my sister in law started trying for a baby when we started ttc and they conceived right away and gave birth in late October and the worst thing was that I was jealous. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was jealous... a week after the baby was born we had a family Halloween party and an unveiling of the baby. She was so beautiful, my dh bent down and talked his most famous baby talk to his week old niece and she worked her baby magic on him (which happens to be twice as strong as baby dust) and he was hooked. After they left we were standing in the living room and he changed his mind! He wanted another baby, truly wanted another. So I suppose the moral of my story is you never know what will happen. Don't try to get over it like I did that only made it hurt worse, and don't try to work within a time line we already have to do that so much in our lives. I wanted all of my kids close together...but our last two will be five years apart, and that is okay with me now! You never know what life will gift you with. Take it one day at a time and don't forget about what you want. It sounds like your husband did not give an immediate "no" , he thought about it which means he cares, I think it is scarier to men often because they are responsible for providing. Good luck to you and your family!

Breezy married to my sweetie pie David With two beautiful children that love each other very much and a bun in the oven due Nov. 5th, 2014


Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

-Benjamin Franklin


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#5 of 6 Old 03-17-2014, 12:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your response. I currently feel like I am kind of stuck in limbo. DH agreed that it was okay for me to go off of birth control but I also agreed that it was okay for him to use contraception if he wanted to. We haven't been using any form of birth control but I still feel so nervous that this is not going to happen for us and that if it does he will resent me, or if it doesn't I will resent him. I am still desperately hoping I will get pregnant but either way I hope we can just find a way for both of us to be content and happy.

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#6 of 6 Old 03-17-2014, 07:19 AM
 
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I don't think that he will resent you.  He loves you and the children that you have together...  I'm sure that he will love the third just as much as he's ever loved the girls.  Perhaps you will get your boy this time around.  Three is a great number for kids.  It breaks up the evenness.  You could check out my thread trying for number 3 but it's just for me.  I believe I was going through a lot of the feelings you are sorting through now and some ladies gave me some really great advice.  Now I'm pregnant with our third!


Breezy married to my sweetie pie David With two beautiful children that love each other very much and a bun in the oven due Nov. 5th, 2014


Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

-Benjamin Franklin


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