Ambivilent feelings on TTC - Mothering Forums
Fertility > Ambivilent feelings on TTC
HomeBirthMommy's Avatar HomeBirthMommy 12:22 PM 09-23-2005
I have two children already. I have wanted 4 for a long time. Dh has said for several years that he is happy with 2 and didn't want anymore. This was devestating to me, as I couldn't imagine not ever being pregnant/giving birth/nursing babies again. That's such a big part of who I am, kwim? Anyway, in the last couple of weeks dh has decided he would like to have one more. At first I was over the moon estatic. Now, I'm having very strange feelings. I had my IUD removed on Monday and though I'm relieved about that, I'm feeling weird about TTC. Part of me wants to hold on this time right now that HE wants another child (our first two were "suprises" and he didn't take the news very well either time). I know in my heart this will be the last baby and I just kind of want to savor the time right now of knowing we will TTC. I keep thinking about how a baby will impact our family. My girls will be 6 and 4 if we concieve right now, when the baby is born. They are so close, I worry that the baby will be left out as he/she gets older. My 3 1/2 year old is not very independent and I worry how she will handle not having as much attention and being a middle child.

I never ever thought I would have feeling like this. It is just so strange to me since I agonized over not being able to have another baby. Has anyone else dealt with feelings like this?

BTW-If we did get pregnant today, I would certainly be thrilled and the baby would be loved and welcome. I'm just trying to sort through these feelings.

jempd's Avatar jempd 12:57 PM 09-23-2005
I personally think ambivalent feelings are normal. After all, another baby is a big impact, no matter how exciting and wonderful (which it will be) it is. So, just know that almost everyone goes through feeling at least some worry and doubt, some anxious feelings I think are to be expected.
gabry's Avatar gabry 11:56 PM 10-02-2005
I don't mean to sound intrusive and presume like I know you/your situation, but could it be there might be some underlying resentment towards your dh? As in, he kept you waiting for so long (before deciding he wants another babe), maybe he should have to wait a bit now and know what that feels like? I guess the only reason I bring that up is because I could imagine feeling that way myself.
Anyways, best wishes to you, and hope you conceive when you wish to!
HomeBirthMommy's Avatar HomeBirthMommy 09:53 AM 10-03-2005
Originally Posted by gabry
I don't mean to sound intrusive and presume like I know you/your situation, but could it be there might be some underlying resentment towards your dh? As in, he kept you waiting for so long (before deciding he wants another babe), maybe he should have to wait a bit now and know what that feels like? I guess the only reason I bring that up is because I could imagine feeling that way myself.
Yes, I could definetely see that being part of it. I am also wondering if I really want another child or if I just want to be pregnant and experience birth again. Ugh-I hate even admitting that might be it. Sometimes the thought of having another baby now is scary-lugging a diaperbag everywhere, sleepless nights, making sure we're home for naptime, etc. There is a certain freedom in having my older children and I'm not completely sure I am ready to give that up again, kwim? On the other hand, deep down, I DO want another baby in my heart. It's a very weird thing when I even consider the practical side. What the heck is happening-am I growing up? :LOL Yikes!
Mary-Beth's Avatar Mary-Beth 08:10 PM 11-01-2005
Me too!
Well...I feel pulled in two different directions too. We have two daughters who are 3.5 and 2 right now. I'm really getting into the mode of having "older" kids. I know they are still young but relative to the baby days...with the diaper bags and restless nights. I want another child in so many ways but maybe I just love being pregant, birthing, and nursing...the thought of chasing a toddler all over the library, up and down the stairs...and waking at night so much...Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop here. But then that longing for another child comes in and I realize how much I want a baby...until I change my mind again. So, at this point I'm not ttc becasue I want to be really ready first...but it's something I'm trying to figure out too.
Sahara's Avatar Sahara 04:09 PM 11-04-2005
Paige and everyone,
I'm thinking of TTC baby #3, and having a lot of the same feelings. I wanted it so badly all summer, but DH was feeling sure he was happy with 2 children. He's changed his mind, and now we are in limbo, not exactly trying but not avoiding either.
I wonder if part of it is knowing "too much", you realize how much work it is, how many changes there could be in your life, your husband and now 2 childrens lives will be altered as well. I've had 2 friends who've had their 3rd baby with serious health concerns, and it adds a whole other element of worry for me. Do I want to risk the relatively smooth sailing we have right now for this baby I always thought I'd have? Then I think there's no more risk to having a baby than to getting in the car everyday and taking my son to school, so why think of it that way?
Everyone will have to adjust no matter what the circumstance. DH and I tried looking at it from the 10 yr perspective... In 10 years how would I feel if I decided not to have this 3rd child? Will I feel empty? Will I regret it because it seemed easier not to in the short term?
Whatever the destiny of our family and this last baby, we plan to embrace it.
Yikes, you got me going!!
jenmk's Avatar jenmk 05:18 PM 11-04-2005
We're ttc#3 here too . . . after me talking DH into it. We had always talked about 3, but after 2 DH was thinking that was enough. I've finally gotten him on board with ttc#3 . . . and I'm not quite feeling ambivalent about it, but I'm not really stressing about ttc, as I did with the other two. I'm much more relaxed about everything. The 2ww is not a hair-pulling event for me, with every thought consumed with wondering whether I am pg or if maybe this or that is a sign of pg. I'm just coasting along, kinda enjoying the ride this time. I figure we'll conceive when we conceive. It's a nice change for me.

At the same time, I feel totally insane to be wanting to add more work to my life!! My littles are 3yo and 16mo, and they are a lot of work (as all you mamas already know). I know it's crazy to add one more right now (or ever) but I am compelled to have one more child. I want to savor the moments of the last child, knowing it's my last, appreciating the 2 am wake-ups to nurse, even while I'm grumping about it. I want to give away the tiny baby clothes as the last baby grows out of them. Give away my pg clothes after this last time. I am just not ready to do that after 2 kids. I need the closure of knowing a child is my last, yk? For me, I hate being pg--the whole physical experience is not pleasant for me. The only thing I like about it is feeling baby move and the end result of baby in my arms. In fact, I would have loved to adopt this last one if we could afford it. But I'm willing to go through it all to have my last babe.

Every so often I am struck with a slight panic of "What the heck am I doing ttc another??" And I'm sure that'll hit me once I do see the second line on the pt . . . but luckily for me those moments are few and far between.

Good luck! I hope everything works out the way you want it.
HomeBirthMommy's Avatar HomeBirthMommy 05:48 PM 11-04-2005
Thanks ladies. I really appreciate your honestly and knowing I'm not alone in these feelings. Dh and I talked and decided that we will re-visit it in a year and see how we're doing. That would put us having a baby when my youngest starts kindergarten and also the year my mom retires (and can hopefully help ). I have found peace with having two, but I know I would enjoy a third and when that one came along, I would not be able to imagine life without him/her, kwim? Also, my SIL (Nurselaurie on MDC ) is pregnant and as much as I would love for our babies to be really close in age, I would hate to take away from this special time. AND I really, really want to be the one that watches the baby when she works a couple of days a week and I know I wouldn't be able to do that with my own little one. *Sigh* I'm just trying not to think about it right now and in a year my perspective might be completely different.
pycelan's Avatar pycelan 06:22 PM 11-04-2005
Well, I really feel as though I need to add my story here. Dh is one of 3 and I am an only child. We had always said that we would either have 2 or 2 it was! Ds and Dd came so close together (they are 15 months apart) and both a surprise, that we definitely thought we were done. To the point that Dh had a vasectomy done. Then, this summer, my feeling began to change. I finally told Dh that I wanted another child when the feelings got overwhelming. He said absolutely NOT! After many months of discussions...but thats another story...he finally approached me and said that he was ready to try and have another one. The vasectomy reversal was done on October 3rd...we just got the go ahead from his MD to start TTC this month. Although I am excited, I have really started to have doubts. What if this next Dc is sick...what if I have complications while giving will my Ds and Dd react to a new baby (especially Dd who will then be the middle child...)...etc. I have in no way changed my mind about wanting another one, but I can understand your feelings. And then I wonder how this child will get along since the other 2 are so close (in age and emotionally)...should I then have a 4th so that the third has a closer in age sibling???

Sorry to ...just wanted to share your "pain"!!
sophsmom's Avatar sophsmom 09:18 PM 11-04-2005
Wow. This thread really hit home for me. My dd is 2, and we're ttc #2. dd was from IVF, so I didn't really expect pg without intervention. Anyway, ttc has been exciting and fun. Then we get to the point where we're starting medical intervention- and I'm in a panic. What will my daughter think of having a baby in the house? Will she feel abandoned when I need to spend so much time caring for a newborn? How will I ever survive the first 6 months when I can't sleep whenever the baby sleeps? If dc#2 hates the car seat as much as dd did as a baby, how will I ever get dd to her playdates and lessons? Heck, where will my dd go while I'm in labor?

With ttc #1 we were so sure . I mean, really really sure . It had taken us years to conceive, so we were focused on it- it was a dream- there weren't any doubts. Now I have doubts, and that makes me feel aweful. I'm worried about everything! Worried I can't handle it, that it will affect my dd, that I won't be able to be as good of a parent to two. I was pretty much an only child (siblings were 10+ years older), so I don't have a frame of reference for balancing the needs of two young ones, and it's terrifying.

But I still want another baby. It even sounds crazy to me when I say it- but I do. And I'm not getting any younger , so I kind of feel like it's now or never. Part of me says I'd rather wait another year- but would I really feel differently then? I don't know. It's very confusing. Anyway, I'm glad I found this thread.