A rant (may be sensitive for some) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 07-09-2006, 07:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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AF is just a mocking reminder that either my body or my husband's body (or both) aren't working properly. I've had one child, and a miscarriage, so I know I can get pregnant. Why the HELL am I not? I'm not interested in sex because it just seems like such a failure (if my husband's sex drive is even working at the time). Is it terrible to look at it that way? I'm almost to the point now that I'm just sick of the whole damn thing and just want to find a poor soul who has gotten pregnant accidentally and wants to give the baby up for adoption.

How does one do this without accosting pregnant women on the street? (don't let my levity fool you, I'm just about at my breaking point) We can't really afford the outrageous fees that some adoption agencies charge, nor can we afford to visit a fertility specialist. Whatever we spend on an a child will go to the midwife or my attorney friend for adoption assistance.

I've spent a fortune on herbs, test sticks, and I'm going crosseyed looking at my chart. I really need a vacation.

ETA: My best friend told me the other day that she's pregnant again. This is after telling me she didn't want anymore children because she didn't know whether she and her husband would stay married. I just wanted to vomit. I feel like such a terrible friend because I can't truly be happy for her. I have to go before I start crying. :
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#2 of 17 Old 07-09-2006, 07:25 PM
 
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You might check out the adoption board and talk to the ladies there--they know *everything* about adoption.


(Please feel free to ignore this part, as it's pure curiousity, but why don't your charts have temps? I'm guessing that you have other charts with temps that showed that you were ovulating and your luteal phase was fine.)
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#3 of 17 Old 07-09-2006, 07:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm honestly just SO sick of everything to do with conception, plus I can't remember to temp properly.

I've been keeping up with my ovulation through testing, but I haven't been putting it on my chart.
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#4 of 17 Old 07-10-2006, 02:36 PM
 
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"I'm almost to the point now that I'm just sick of the whole damn thing and just want to find a poor soul who has gotten pregnant accidentally and wants to give the baby up for adoption."

I remember thinking that way...after my daughter died (in utero) from uterine rupture, I thought that I could never ever go through another pregnancy again...in fear my body would harm the next baby. I remember going online hoping to find a pregnant teen or woman who felt burdened and didn't want their baby. My husband and I definately cannot afford adoption fees and all that. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure what to tell you on that part....
As for the friend...I've had 2 of my best buds give birth this yr..an ex friend of mine had twins the same day dear Alexis was born..my sister,step sis, AND SIL...its hard to hear them play with their babies or to hear about a pregnancy...dont' feel guilty, its perfectly normal or ok. I went to visit my friends new baby, Ethan...and beleive it or not, it made me feel better. I held him, played with him...it comforted me when I did not have my little girl to play with and cuddle...I've never had a problem with conception, but I do know what you're feeling when you feel hopeless because thats exactly how I felt 2 months ago...
Keep your head up, you're not alone and I'll be praying for you.

Kylin 10/14/2002

Aja 8/13/2004

Evie 3/11/2010

2 angels in Heaven (Alexis & Bryson)

Currently NTNP for baby #4 dust.gif

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#5 of 17 Old 07-11-2006, 07:35 PM
 
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we suffered from infertility for 4 years before finally getting preggo with dd.
You say you know you are ovulating?
are you sure?
If you really want to pursue, it sounds like you have been trying for long enough to seek help.
Initial fertility testing should include a pelvic, hormone panel, possibly ultrasound, and a thyroid test, minimum.

Your dh should be checked , a complete sperm analysis.

fertility changes....something might have happened..my dh had 5 kids when i met him..we thought of course he was fertile...right?
WRONG!
Something had happened, he had a sperm count of nearly zero, when we finally tested, after 3 years of putting me through hell.


I also have PCOS, a very common fertility problem for women, and a thyroid problem, also a big factior in infertility.

if youve been charting for at least 6 months, it's time to seek help.

CPST
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#6 of 17 Old 07-12-2006, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If I could afford a fertility work up I would get one. Unfortunately, we don't go to the Dr. unless we are on our deathbeds. :
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#7 of 17 Old 07-13-2006, 11:51 AM
 
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Where are your charts dear? Just wondering cause if you don't have at least 3 or 4 to look at you're not really going to get a clear picture of what's going on. I didn't see much of anything on your page, so I can't give any suggestions. It can be VERY benficial, though, I can tell you that! I had around a 30 day cycle (though it varied from 29-46!) and thought I O'd aroung cd 15-17, when in fact after charting I realized I was Oing much later like cd 23 as average (from 20-35.) So we had our timing waaaaaayyyyy off!

I hear you on the temping thing. I've found that just keeping the themometer under my pillow at night helps a lot!! I just whip it out when I get up and put it back under for the next day. HTH

I know how frustrating it can be TTC...you can practically lose your mind : ! Maybe you can skip the whole opk thing and just concentrate on temping that way you can save on some of that unneccessary $$ and really SEE what's going on (like the luteal phase length, maybe unsustained temps in lp, etc...clues to possible probs that you can work to correct)

I hope you see your dreams come true......try to hold onto your hope!

Jessica knit.gif and familybed2.gif mamma to dd 9/09, ds 10/07, ds 2/05, angel1.gif10/03, ds 3/03, dd 12/00, expecting #6  2ndtri.gif  in June 2011. Furrbabies: 2 dogs, 4 cats, and 5 guinnea pigs
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#8 of 17 Old 07-20-2006, 10:57 PM
 
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I can totally understand what you are going through. DH and I tried for 3 1/2 yrs before getting pg with DD. I spoke to my doc about the fact that after 18mos we still hadn't conceived. We were getting older and wanted to get on with it. The doc ordered a sperm test- in my area this was only $90. If you even get just that much done you could have some answers. I was ovulating, however, I also had endo which had made my cervix stiff and it did not go through the changes it was supposed to go through during the cycle.
Take a break from ALL fertility testing. I swear that helps- sometimes we get TOO focused on the testing and waiting to ovulate.
My DD is a miracle in every sense of the word. If we get blessed with another pg, I will be thrilled. If not, then I have the sweetest girl in the world!
Best of Luck to you.
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#9 of 17 Old 07-24-2006, 11:41 PM
 
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Jennifer, I feel ya. Really, I do. I wish I could join in with some sunshine and light, but the truth is this: I get more bitter and more sad with each passing cycle.

We got pg our FIRST MONTH trying, back in February of this year. We conceived twins only to lose them at 8w. Now, even with perfect BD timing, it's been NOTHING ever since.

My LP has dropped to nine days (from 11). I'm terrified to see the doctor because I hate to think that there's something wrong with me... that I can't do what my body is supposed to be able to do naturally. That I'm a failure as a woman.

There. I said it.

I'm so upset and bitter about this whole thing. I hate that I'm getting older. I hate that this should be so hard. I hate that people all around me are pregnant and mine died. I hate that some people I know get pregnant "by accident" and here we are WORKING for it to no avail!!!

I'm sorry this is a downer post, but I'm being honest and that's just the way it is.
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#10 of 17 Old 07-28-2006, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I get more upset and lose hope with every AF that shows up. I just hope it's a matter of timing and that charting and BD every other day will help.

I feel for you. I decided to eat chocolate and drink wine when/if AF shows up this month just to numb the pain.
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#11 of 17 Old 07-28-2006, 11:25 PM
 
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Jennifer--I hear you. But with the all fertility tests and some treatments we have had done and no success, I almost feel more defeated. The very expensive RE can't find anything wrong with me or DH.

On good days, I am starting to think it is a sign that we were meant to parent only one (very demanding) child. On bad days, I feel like it is a sign that I am so clueless as to how to parent a child that I don't deserve to have another.

One thing that has brought peace to me is that DH and I came up with a plan. We decided we would try for so long on our own, then see the specialist. Then we worked out a budget and said that if nothing happened before this certain point, we would just stop the madness. That has helped some, although we are not quite at that endpoint yet. Getting close though...
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#12 of 17 Old 07-29-2006, 04:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm hoping this month will be it! I think we timed our BD much better and I've been keeping up with my temps this month.

Take a look at my chart if you want (siggy) and wish me luck!
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#13 of 17 Old 07-30-2006, 01:06 AM
 
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Jennifer,
is that your normal mucus pattern? Just one day of eggwhite?
That might be a factor in your fertility issues. There are nutritional strategies to increase mucus production. You might want to look into that.
Other than that... <hugs> it can be frustrating I know!
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#14 of 17 Old 07-30-2006, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't really chart my CM. If I happen to see any on the toilet paper, I'll note it in my chart, but I don't make the effort to go spelunking for it. There just happened to be a big blob of it that day on the TP, so I made a note of it.
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#15 of 17 Old 08-02-2006, 01:34 PM
 
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Spelunking! I love it!

I'm the same way... whatever I see on the TP or in my undies... that's what gets charted. I don't get a lot of eggwhite either, though when I do it's VERY noticible. The cycle we got pregs (and subsequently miscarried), I had EWCM, but none since.

I was on the baby carrot program that cycle, along with green tea. Supposedly that's supposed to increase fertile CM. Also, Evening Primrose Oil (which is what I've been doing this cycle and last). I had A TON of watery CM last cycle, but no EW... at least none that I saw. Like you said, I'm not much of a spelunker either...
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#16 of 17 Old 08-02-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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Jennifer! hugs, big hugs! I remember those days! Getting email after email of new babies on the way, hating the ppl on the street, especially the teenagers!

I will not give you advise, ideas or 'just relaxes'! I heard enough for both of us! but I will share something funny I heard someone who had a hard time too..they went to their pastor for moral support. he told them, you want to get preg you have sex everyday for 30 days. They kinda laughed and went home. After talking they decided ok..we can do this, we've tried everything else..why not... According to her, around day 20 you want to never have sex again as long a you live..lol, but they had already put 20 days in, so they kept going for the 30 days! I found it so humerous that a clergy would suggest something so odd like that.

Just remember people are thinking of you and you have support here at mdc!
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#17 of 17 Old 08-02-2006, 02:27 PM
 
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Spelunking
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