dh doesn't want anymore - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 08:22 AM
 
hipcoolmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hello. I read all the posts with interest. I wouldn't say my situation is exactly the same, but similar in some ways.

I'm just wondering...do your DH's ever communicate to you why they do not want any or more children? Is it mainly financial or are there other reasons?

In my situation, I think if we could clearly communicate our dreams and fears to each other, maybe we'd start to be on the same page about major life decisions.
hipcoolmama is offline  
#32 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 08:28 AM
 
hipcoolmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mijumom View Post
TinkerBelle- I totally agree with you. I think you offer some good insight into the obvious consequences of manipulating a mate into something so huge. I didn't assume you meant any offense, I just wanted to reinforce the difference between sharing these thoughts and actually following through. I would hope that maybe sharing the thoughts and getting feedback here might actually influence soemone not to take such action.

I feel very empathetic to the desperation expressed on this thread. I feel it sometimes myself but nothing is happening without dh on board. We went through a separation already following the birth of ds#2 so I have that experience to reflect on. Not everyone gets the gravity of having a child that their dh doesn't really want (accident baby)...BTW, we went into counceling and are still together and he adores and loves ds#2 very deeply. But we had to go through a hell I don't wish for anyone.

I think we're on the same page.

I think that makes sense. I think most dads would still be wonderful dads to an unplanned child, however, the reality is some dads may resent or feel differently about a child if they feel they were tricked into a pregnancy. That's not the optimal situation for a child to enter so if at all possible, consensus between mom and dad beforehand is best!

Also, your DH may be less than helpful during a pregnancy if the timing is not what he wished.
hipcoolmama is offline  
#33 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 09:49 AM
 
TinkerBelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,586
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmlp View Post
Regarding "tricking" one's partner into getting pregnant, I would like to point out that the OP stated that her DH used the withdrawal method. Come on! Your DH does not want another child? Fine. He should put on a condom or get a vasectamy. But for god's sake, don't insult your wife by withdrawing early from the act so that she has to see your semen everywhere other than where she would like it to be. That's just a slap in the face to your wife who you know wants a child. It is hurtful and cruel and I got no sympathy for a man who does that and ends up getting his wife pregnant, however it happens!

Which leads me to my second point: who is anyone to say in this situation that the male partner has been "tricked" or "deceived"? Everyone knows that withdrawal is NOT a 100% effective method of birth control. Who are we to say how a woman got pregnant? Because some escaped while in the act? Because some escaped just outside her opening? Because she reinserted with her fingers? You are a man and you don't want more kids, GET SOME REAL BIRTH CONTROL and stop blaming your wife for tricking you because she wants kids and you had the gall to leave your semen all over the place instead taking responsible steps to prevent pregnancy. You don't want kids? YOU prevent it. Period.

And to the poster who wrote the sanctimonious post stating how could any woman possibly "oops" her husband when he did not want another child, it seems to me that you had your tubal ligation for YOUR OWN reasons and not just because YOUR HUSBAND told you to do it. If someone's husband does not want kids and she does, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TAKING THE APPROPRIATE AND VIRTUALLY SUREFIRE STEPS TO PREVENT IT. There is no question of "oopsing" anyone when we are talking about withdrawal, as it is nowhere near being a surefire method of preventing pregnancy in the first place.

First of all, I did NOT direct my post at the OP. Not even close. I never said she would "oops" him. I never said she would try to deceive or trick him.

I actually AGREE with you. If a man does not want more kids, HE should get the big "V" or use a condom or something. Withdrawl is NOT effective, as we all know. I also agree that a guy who says "no more kids", yet is not doing anything to try to prevent, is playing some kind of game and it is cruel.

I was referring to posts suggesting scooping semen and inseminating one's self, and those who pretend to take their B/C, and don't, thereby the "oops" happens. It DOES happen. Men do it too. I knew someone whose husband messed with her B/C Pills. Women have been known to poke holes in condoms and diaphragms. It happens.

Call me "sanctimonious" or whatever. I don't care how you judge me. But, I am not going to back down from my position. If anyone, male OR female, basically forces their partner into another child by sabotaging B/C, or whatever, it is WRONG. It is deceitful, and could mean the end of the relationship, in some cases.

Oh, and BTW, I DID state that I realize that some of the posts were not meant to be serious, AND that this is a place to vent. If you want to get down to it, I was venting as well. I also believe I explained how I know what it is like to want a child and not be able to have one.

I feel terribly for people who struggle with this problem. And I hope some compromise or resolution can come about, so they can get some peace.



To the OP: I hope things work out the way you want them to. Perhaps he will come around and welcome a new addition with open arms. At any rate, I hope you find peace with your situation.
TinkerBelle is offline  
#34 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 10:20 AM
 
RomanGoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Across the pond
Posts: 2,051
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I was referring to posts suggesting scooping semen and inseminating one's self, and those who pretend to take their B/C, and don't, thereby the "oops" happens. It DOES happen. Men do it too. I knew someone whose husband messed with her B/C Pills. Women have been known to poke holes in condoms and diaphragms. It happens.
It was I who suggested reinserting the semen and I do not think that it is the same as poking a hole in a condom or replacing birth control pills with placebos. Withdrawal is not considered a sure method so you are taking your chances anyway.

And for heaven's sakes, if you are going to leave semen all over our bed instead of in me, when you know very well that I would like to create a child, then you better believe that I will do with it as I please.:

Roman Goddess, mom to J (August 2004) and J (April 2009).    h20homebirth.gif signcirc1.gif
RomanGoddess is offline  
#35 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
jee'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: poconos, pa.
Posts: 2,021
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
To the OP: I hope things work out the way you want them to. Perhaps he will come around and welcome a new addition with open arms. At any rate, I hope you find peace with your situation.[/QUOTE]

Thank you very much! I actually think he's very torn b/c he says "no more kids, no way" and then every once in awhile feels that he'd like more. He has anxiety issues and feels that we need more money to have more kids. He's trying to go for a better paying job and I asked him if he'd consider more if he got the job and he said definately. So, money's the problem here. (and where is it writtten that you have to pay for 100% of your kids college, etc. anyway? I think it make them better people to have to contribute something!) Actually he told me that even if he doesn't get the better paying job, he'd consider another child in 1-2 years. I just got off of a 1 year maternity leave so money's tight right now. Anyway, he didn't pull out 3 times last sat., so my thought are, "don't tell me you don't want anymore kids, and then not pull out!" In his heart, he really wants more, he's just afraid. I bought a pg test when we were at CVS the other day, and he told me "why are you even buying that test, I already KNOW you're pg!" and then in the car on the way home, he was like "well, at least I'd get to see that sexy swollen belly again!" Plus, I'm very horny when pg, so that's what he really is looking forward to!

Keri ~ Wife to dh Mommy to dd 11 whistling.gif ds 9 bouncy.gif  dd 6 1/2 kid.gif 
jee'smom is offline  
#36 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 11:04 AM
 
TinkerBelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,586
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmlp View Post
It was I who suggested reinserting the semen and I do not think that it is the same as poking a hole in a condom or replacing birth control pills with placebos. Withdrawal is not considered a sure method so you are taking your chances anyway.

And for heaven's sakes, if you are going to leave semen all over our bed instead of in me, when you know very well that I would like to create a child, then you better believe that I will do with it as I please.:

I respectfully disagree about reinsertion not being the same as the others. But, I can hear what you are saying.

Truce?
TinkerBelle is offline  
#37 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 02:01 PM
 
mijumom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: here
Posts: 501
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
cmlp- I think what you are missing is that even if the man "should" have been more responsible or was rude to withdraw IYO, the result will potentially destroy a marriage. So, yes, a woman could win at blaming her ex-husband for not being more careful.

I disagree that knowingly and secretly inserting semen in your own vagina is his fault or responsibility...I just don't get your logic at all. How could you even play that off without lying? If you are so offended by the pull-out method than say so, don't do it and then say well you're a jerk and you deserve what you get (in this case a baby). I am not offended by the pull out method...it works for us. And, if it didn't, I would feel that he was completely culpable. Although, perhaps knowing how adament he is about not having another, maybe I should push for better birth control.

Marriages don't work with dishonestly and, secretly inserting semen into yourself, well, maybe you could convince yourself you didn't do anything but it would basically be the difference between sperm fertilizing egg or not...pretty big deal to me.
mijumom is offline  
#38 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 02:36 PM
 
RomanGoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Across the pond
Posts: 2,051
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I think what you are missing is that even if the man "should" have been more responsible or was rude to withdraw IYO, the result will potentially destroy a marriage. So, yes, a woman could win at blaming her ex-husband for not being more careful.
The fact of a one partner refusing the other partner a child can also destroy a marriage. Either one throws a big juggarnaut into it.

Quote:
I disagree that knowingly and secretly inserting semen in your own vagina is his fault or responsibility...I just don't get your logic at all. How could you even play that off without lying?
It has nothing to do with lying. The semen goes where it goes. Quite frankly, I am very doubtful that it would succeed in getting a woman pregnant as the woman would most likely not succeed in getting anything close enough to her cervix. If she did get pregnant, there is no telling what caused it. Maybe it was sperm on her fingers, maybe it was sperm that escaped during intercourse. The fact that she has decided to potentially increase her chances of conceiving by inserting her fingers while he has decided to decrease the chances of her conceiving by pulling out early for me makes the whole situation neutral.

In fact, perhaps the best solution is for the OP just to do it in front of him. That way there is no deception. He pulls out to decrease chances of conception. She reinserts to increase chances. And then maybe they talk it out, decide together on the definitive way forward and take appropriate measures (i.e. vasectomy to end all potential future children or try to have another child).

Roman Goddess, mom to J (August 2004) and J (April 2009).    h20homebirth.gif signcirc1.gif
RomanGoddess is offline  
#39 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 03:13 PM
 
mijumom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: here
Posts: 501
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmlp View Post
The fact of a one partner refusing the other partner a child can also destroy a marriage. Either one throws a big juggarnaut into it.
Sure but at least you don't have another child in the middle! If whether or not to have a child is an impass, then I say either work it out or move on.

We're talking about human beings who deserve to be parented by two parents that want them not the products of some power struggle over who should get his/her way.

We can just agree to disagree on this one.
mijumom is offline  
#40 of 48 Old 10-08-2006, 02:24 AM
 
rareimer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: bc, canada
Posts: 1,723
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
as tempting as it is to "oops" my husband, i would never do it. i see it as being exactly the same as him going and getting a vasectomy without my knowledge. either way, it is a permanent thing.

actually, that was how i got him to wait on the vasectomy. he was adamant about getting it done, and i was heartbroken. when he thought about it, he actually burst into tears, thinking of how much it would hurt me if he did this, while knowing that i didn't want him to. it would be like me poking holes in a condom. now he understands. and after seeing how much he realized that would hurt me, i know how much it would hurt him for me to sabotage things to create another baby, no matter how much i want one.

if we did actually have a legitimate oops, then i know he would step up and love that baby just as much as he loves our other two. but i couldn't live with myself if i sabotaged things to get to that goal...i wouldn't want a child to live with that shadow over their head.

Robyn - In stillheart.gif with Tyson, Gothy Mama to fairy.gif Jasmyn (March 12 2003), jammin.gifGrayson (August 2 2005), my angel3.gif Aurora Hope (m/c Nov 10 2010), and baby.gif Sydney Rayne (September 17 2011)     ribboncesarean.gifx3

rareimer is offline  
#41 of 48 Old 10-18-2006, 04:39 PM
 
fantesia28's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi- I have not posted here much, but come over on occassion... this post really hit home for me, so I thought that I would post!

I have two healthy beautiful children which I adore. I would like to have one more child - it's almost as though I feel in my heart that I am meant to have one more child before I stop, I don't know why I feel this way, but I do!!

This is a burning and yearning feeling that gets worse at times and sometimes I can ignore it! Right now it's in full force and it's all that I can think about!!! I put off having the conversation with my dh for a long time after my son was born and finally had the conversation with dh a few months back about how I really wanted to have another one. He has very valid points as to why we should not have any more kids, but it doesn't make it better!! He says we already have two healthy kids who are getting older (13& 6) and we should just enjoy them. Plus, financially children are expensive and he wants to be able to give them everything they need/want. Okay, our kids are extremely spoiled and they do not need everything that they have!!! I am sure we would be fine financially, would just need to modify our spending a little more cautiously!!! So yes, he has valid points, but it just doesn't make me feel any better.

He has talked about getting the big "V", but everytime he talks about it, I end up in tears and he doesn't do it. We have always used withdrawal and it has NEVER failed us in the 14 years that we have used it. I would never intentionally get pregnant without his support, but I will say I often wish the WD method would fail for us!! We use this method during my fertile times as well. Oh, another important thing... it only took us "once" to conceive both of our children so I know I am very fertile.

What I don't understand is that I hear so many times how WD is referred to as pull and pray method and that so many people have unexpected pregnancies from this method... I really think it's that people are not using it correctly - otherwise I would think I would be one of those statistics!!

Also, on the post about scooping it up and putting it in there- I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind, it has... but I have never done that.

I am just so sad to think that there will be no more babies in my life and that I will never be pregnant again!!! I do dread being sick again, but oh the joy and miracle of producing and carrying a new life and then the children after that are so rewarding!! I don't know how to get passed this and just try to forget about trying for another... I know when I am ovulating each month (in fact am in my fertile phase right now) and I just wish that there was something I could do about it.

I have thought about bringing it up again to DH, but I know he would get upset and say the same thing again and I just can't bare it!!! I guess all that I can do is hope that god has a plan in mind for me and if he wants me to have anymore children he will help make it happen.
fantesia28 is offline  
#42 of 48 Old 10-20-2006, 08:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
jee'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: poconos, pa.
Posts: 2,021
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh gosh, honey... maybe he'll come around, you never know. i keep working on my dh. He is now saying "maybe one day". At least there's hope, right? Actually, I told him that he better get used to the idea of having one more, b/c I KNOW there is one more out there for me, I can FEEL it. The thought of not having anymore truly hurts our hearts. Good luck. Oh yeah, also, we've used the pull out method our whole relationship (11 yrs!) and I've NEVER gotten pg from it, either! I keep hoping it'll fail us also, by the grace of God.

Keri ~ Wife to dh Mommy to dd 11 whistling.gif ds 9 bouncy.gif  dd 6 1/2 kid.gif 
jee'smom is offline  
#43 of 48 Old 11-11-2006, 11:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
jee'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: poconos, pa.
Posts: 2,021
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OK, I just POAS... it's positive. Holy s**t... I'm pregnant. I can't believe it... I'm in shock. I never thought an "oops" would ever happen to me. I always wanted it to, but I didn't think it'd happen (other 2 were very planned). Of course I'm happy, dh is in shock. We agreed that we would maybe try for another next year (after he told me adamently that he didn't want another, he finally agreed to maybe considering it next year). Timing isn't the best right now, but I really believe it's "meant to be". (We dtd after ovulation time and it still happened.) Anyway, I believe in God's timing, and that God's timing is always "right" whether we agree or not... it truly is for the best. I feel so blessed. Good luck to everyone! (cross-post in july ddc and tww)

Keri ~ Wife to dh Mommy to dd 11 whistling.gif ds 9 bouncy.gif  dd 6 1/2 kid.gif 
jee'smom is offline  
#44 of 48 Old 11-12-2006, 03:08 AM
 
bethy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Seattle - Crunchy Granola Land
Posts: 140
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Congratulations!

Wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

(I hope this happens to me someday!)
bethy is offline  
#45 of 48 Old 11-12-2006, 03:34 AM
 
Birth Junky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Beautiful Pacific NW
Posts: 1,967
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow--what a roller-coast of a thread!

Congratulation, OP . . . sounds like it was meant to be.
Birth Junky is offline  
#46 of 48 Old 11-12-2006, 10:35 AM
 
moms3kids's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
awsome congratulations to you!!!! i can't wait to be TTC again... oh the wait is awful, i can't imagine a year wait, i just have to wait till 1/1 and it's seems so long! LOL
moms3kids is offline  
#47 of 48 Old 11-12-2006, 10:56 AM
 
LandonsMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 951
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birth Junky View Post
Wow--what a roller-coast of a thread!

Congratulation, OP . . . sounds like it was meant to be.
ITA!!! I read the first post and then caught the positive pg test in OP's siggy, i knew i had to keep reading!!

Congratulations OP!
LandonsMom is offline  
#48 of 48 Old 11-12-2006, 11:01 AM
 
BlissP's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 324
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First off...CONGRATS on the pregnancy! I hope it all goes well for you...it's often a shock when one is not "trying", but it really sounds like your DH was up for it the whole time, but just anxious.

I can really relate to the feelings here. I am 5-6 weeks away from delivering my second son. I also have two stepsons (ages 6 and 8) whom I adore, and my first son who is two. WE HAVE A LOT OF TESTOSTERONE IN THIS HOUSE!

But I digress. My DH really wants this to be our last one. I can understand where he's coming from...he's an only child of an only child, and never in a million years did he see himself as the father of four. When we planned to get married, I told him that I loved his boys, but I definitely wanted children of my own. He said fine. I said by "children" I mean more than one. He said fine. Well, he feels he has lived up to his end of the bargain (by providing me with two) and while he is very excited about the arrival of this baby (and has been all along), he feels four is enough.

I hate to be thinking this way when my sweet babe isn't even here yet, but I just don't feel done. I have really hoped for a daughter (though it's starting to look like DH's Y chroms are just too strong... )but it's not even that...I love my boys, I am just not ready to be done baby making. I have had somewhat difficult pregnancies (signficant gestational diabetes with both, and they now feel I have developed Type II) so that is an added burden, plus I will be close to 36 when I deliver this one. But I LOVE the whole process, and I love children.

I have elicited DH's promise to wait until our baby is one year old before he gets his vasectomy. My plan is to really work on a couple of things in that year - my health (making sure this time I lose all the baby weight in hopes of not being an insulin dependent diabetic), my household organization (this place doesn't exactly run smoothly all the time), my care of him (making sure that his physical/emotional needs are being met, whether I am tired, nursing, whatever), attention to our finances (we could waste a lot less $$). I am hoping in so doing that one of two things will happen - (1) he will feel like we are capable of handling another, or (2) I will come to a place of peace with our family as it is. But I do feel like he needs to be on board with it all...I would never want to put a child in the position of being resented. That said...I can still hope for an oops.

Meanwhile, I just HAVE to focus on the joy of Henry's impending arrival, rather than being sad about "this is the last time I will feel a baby kick, this is the last time I will prepare a nursery, etc., etc.)
BlissP is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off