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#1 of 48 Old 09-07-2006, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to vent to people who'd understand. I have a 3 1/2 yo dd and a 1 1/2 yo ds. Dh says we're done (He doesn't think we make enough money, etc.- I mean, who says you have to pay for 100% of their college anyway, doesn't having to work for things build character?). Anyway, I've always felt that there's another one out there who's suppose to be mine. Does that make sense? It's like I'm missing one. When I look at my kids, I feel like there's another one, sleeping upstairs, or something. Or when we go out somewhere and I do a head count, it's like I panic for a second because I'm missing one. Anyway, I ovulated the past couple of days, and dh withdrew, so I know there's no way I could be pg. (well, there's always a chance with withdraw, I can always hope!!!) Anyway, I just went to the bathroom and my cm is changing from fertile ewcm to dry. I know that I missed my chance this month. I know I'm not pg, and will probably never be again. It's seriously breaking my heart. Now, I just have to wait for AF to show up. Dh is so funny though, b/c even though he says he doesn't want another one, I joke about me totally molesting him and not letting him up when it's time to withdraw and he just laughs and says "oh, yeah?!" So, maybe I will try that next time!

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#2 of 48 Old 09-07-2006, 06:04 PM
 
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It sounds like there is still hope for you, your youngest is very young, so maybe give your dh some time? I think if you feel it this strongly you will be able to make it happen when the time is right.
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#3 of 48 Old 09-07-2006, 06:16 PM
 
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I just saw this post from the main page and I'm kind of in the same boat. I really would like one more. Just one more. DH says no way and sounds so finalistic every time we even lightly touch on the matter. I had three miscarriages before we had DD and I really feel like having three kids would make this part of my life feel more complete, like I could really feel "through" with my childbearing years. I'm just kind of letting the matter rest and hoping that he'll change his mind in a few years. Or hoping we'll have an oopsie. I must admit that the thought has crossed my mind to purposefully DTD around ovulation time and hope for an accident since I can't use hormonal birth control and barrier methods can fail. Anyway just wanted to commiserate. Hope your DH changes his mind!
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#4 of 48 Old 09-07-2006, 06:21 PM
 
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I totally understand what you are going through. We have one and DH wants no more. I have fertility problems and it took us 5 years to get pregnant with DS. DH wants nothing to do with going through the process again. I keep praying that I will just turn up pg one day. But it has been
4 1/2 years. I really don't think it is going to happen.

I'd just keep talking to your dh about it!! He may change his mind.

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#5 of 48 Old 09-07-2006, 06:32 PM
 
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It took me 6 years to change an "absolutely not" to an "if you want it so bad then let's do it" and he only felt mildly coerced. I felt like someone is missing, like you describe, and I broke down in tears on Christmas day 2005. I guess he was in a giving mood because we made a plan to discuss it again, this time seriously, the following fall. Well, we got real comfortable with the idea, and here I sit 10 weeks pregnant. I am thrilled and he doesn't seem upset or stressed out. I *know* he would have been earlier, he just needed to come to it over time. It helps that our kids are older and can really help out, and be self-sufficient on occasion. I guess my message is, hang in there, hold on to your dream, and try to give him space to think about it. It might take years, but in the end, the timingfor us is pretty sweet, and the kids are old enough to be thrilled themselves.
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#6 of 48 Old 09-07-2006, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks guys, I needed to hear that! I told him that he "better just get used to the idea, because it's going to happen whether he likes it or not!" He said "Well, I'll be sure to congratulate the father when it does." He's so bad! I don't want to push it b/c he has anxiety, but I hope either he'll slowly warm up to the idea, or i'll just end up pg one day! (Why does that only happen to other people? Why can't I just one day say "oh, when was the last time I had a period? Wow, I must be pg!!!") We'll see. I do try to dtd more around ovulation, but he's REALLY intuned to my body, and always knows what I'm up to. He told me the other day that he thought I was really sexy when pg (and still does), so he might have to get me pg again, just to have great pg sex. So, maybe there is hope after all, if he's joking about it?! Seriously though, we used withdraw for 4 1/2 yrs. and I never got pg from it. When used correctly, isn't it nearly 100% effective? and I hear there are sperm in the preejaculate ONLY if you've dtd up to 12 hrs. prior. Anyone have info. on this? I've only had 2 ppaf's so this is new for me, and a sad reminder that I might not have any more; it's just a sad day for me. I'm also trying to put my faith in God, that when it's going to happen it'll happen. and I trust in that.

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#7 of 48 Old 09-10-2006, 08:58 PM
 
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Me too Dh says NO MORE. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Kinda makes dtd less interesting when you know there won't be an end result.:
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#8 of 48 Old 09-11-2006, 02:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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: I love dtd with dh, but when I know there's a chance I could pg from it, it drives me over the edge!!!

Keri ~ Wife to dh Mommy to dd 11 whistling.gif ds 9 bouncy.gif  dd 6 1/2 kid.gif 
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#9 of 48 Old 09-11-2006, 07:23 PM
 
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...same thoughts here

Kylin 10/14/2002

Aja 8/13/2004

Evie 3/11/2010

2 angels in Heaven (Alexis & Bryson)

Currently NTNP for baby #4 dust.gif

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#10 of 48 Old 09-27-2006, 01:05 AM
 
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My dh said the SAME THING when our second one was a baby. He said NO MORE, NO HOW. PERIOD. End of story. I was heartbroken for months and months. We stopped even talking about it. But..I finally broke him down and here we are with baby number three, 9 months old...and he's open to the idea of more! I think now that we have three, he's like, eh, what the hell. This coming from the man who broke my heart over the issue at one time.

Bethany, mama to M (9), J (7), S (4), and baby BOY 9/13/10!!
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#11 of 48 Old 09-27-2006, 02:00 AM
 
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I am so with you all on this. I have been begging my husband and he just says no. I have a 3 1/2 and 18 month old. I just got my AF back two months ago and I have been wanting to get pg ever since.

My 3 1/2 year old is begging for another baby sister too. He wants to name her Lilly and then he wants a brother named Leap (from Leap Frog). Too cute! The funny thing is that I really want four babies but I am feeling sad that I may not even just get three. I found this post at the perfect time. I love this place!!!

One BIG problem for us is that my dh says I have no interest in DTD when I am bfing and have not had my af and/or while pg so he is very happy right now that I have been back "in the mood" and he doesn't want to change that. I can understand why; it is totally true. Unless it's for baby making I could really care less. lol!

Thanks for sharing! I feel like I have someone who understands!
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#12 of 48 Old 09-28-2006, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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UPDATE!!!!!!!
Last night, dh called from work and told me that one of his good friend's wife's pg again (their 4th). He was like, "You know, hon, for a second, I don't know, it made me feel like maybe wanting another."
Maybe there is hope!!!!! YEAH!!!!

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#13 of 48 Old 09-28-2006, 10:31 AM
 
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Anyway, I ovulated the past couple of days, and dh withdrew, so I know there's no way I could be pg. (well, there's always a chance with withdraw, I can always hope!!!)
I hope this is not too crude to say for this site but I have been wondering, what are the chances of getting pregnant (assuming you are ovulating at the time), if, er, after your DH withdraws, you, er, "catch" some of the semen on your fingers and, er, insert it in you. I suppose chances would still be pretty low but just thinking about this....

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#14 of 48 Old 09-28-2006, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh my God... I was thinking about doing this!!!!! But, I would feel like I tricked him. But, believe you me... EVERYTIME we're done dtd, and I'm in the bathroom cleaning up, I think about doing this! There's got to be a chance of getting pg by doing this.

Keri ~ Wife to dh Mommy to dd 11 whistling.gif ds 9 bouncy.gif  dd 6 1/2 kid.gif 
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#15 of 48 Old 09-28-2006, 02:51 PM
 
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Don't think it would work if you inserted while in the bathroom. I think you would have to remain lying in the bed and not get up for the next half an hour after the, er, insertion.

On the one hand, yes it's deceitful, on the other hand, if he is prepared to just withdraw as a means of birth control, well, you take your chances.

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#16 of 48 Old 10-01-2006, 12:52 AM
 
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We just had our 3rd son 10wks ago. My DH was okay with the idea of having a third at first, then as the pregnancy got closer to baby time, he got real anxious and kept questioning why, why did we have to have another one, how were we going to afford it ect. and I was in tears by the end of my pregnancy thinking he was going to forever blame me for having another one, or somehow not love our son as much. I thought that having 3 would be it for me, but now I know I want to have another one. Not right away of course but maybe in a year or 2. Anyway, my DH asked me the other day if I saw us having 4 kids when I told him yes and questioned him in return...he said yes he thinks we could have one more. So just give your DH some time, most likely he'll come around eventually, just give it a rest for a bit. But I absolutely understand that feeling of something missing, I yearn for a daughter (I love my boys of course, and wouldn't change a thing but it would be nice to experience a little girl), I slip up and refer to our boys as she's and her's so maybe there is a little girl out there just waiting for me, guess we'll see.

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#17 of 48 Old 10-01-2006, 09:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, yesterday and last night, we dtd 3X and dh didn't "pull out". : : Both times I got pg, it was cycle day 13. Yesterday was cycle day 13. Afterward, he was like "hon, this wasn't a pg time was it?" I said "no, I don't think so, I think I ovulated a couple of days ago."(b/c I have a 26 day cycle) This morning I counted on the calender, and then remembered tht I conceived both of my kids on the 13th day. I remember all of the months I tried to get pg with dd, and dtd on the 8, 10, and 12th day of cycle. Then one month I dtd for fun on the 13th day, not thinking I could get pg, I did. So, now I'm on the two-week wait...: . Actually, I can't imagine getting pg that fast (one try), but there's always a chance, right? I'll keep you guys updated. (By the way, I never thought he'd "do that" "in there" if he was that worried about pg, which is why I didn't bother saying anything to him before hand that it might not be the best time to do that if we wanted to prevent pg. But he's SO DILIGENT about pulling out, and with his friend's wife pg and all, and him maybe thinking of another one, I thought he maybe wanted to take the chance. He had to be taking a chance. He KNOWS my body very well, and knows when it's a good time or not and NEVER "does that in there". ) (we really should have an abbreviation for "doing that in there" so it doesn't sound crude when writing it!)

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#18 of 48 Old 10-05-2006, 08:20 PM
 
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Thanks guys, I needed to hear that! I told him that he "better just get used to the idea, because it's going to happen whether he likes it or not!" He said "Well, I'll be sure to congratulate the father when it does." He's so bad!
My husband said the exact same thing! I'm taking my guy seriously since we already separated once after the birth of our second child...hell!

But, I still want one and nag him about "if we have enough money and enough help and we're getting along.." He just kind of stares at me. We'll see...

I would not resort to trickery...almost cruel IMO (though tempting).
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#19 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 01:05 AM
 
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I LOVE MDC!!!

I have been struggling with this same issue since I got AF back when DD#2 was 17 months old. I do not want to DTD unless I am fertile and my dh does not want to change my enthusiasm so soon. He is also adament that he is satisfied with two and does not want another. This month things got a bit intense and I gave him the "Just tell me if we will ever have more kids" thing and when he said no I said "Not now, not ever, never?" and he said no.

So, I began to mourn for the babies I will never have. I always wanted four. Does that sound weird? To grieve over something that never was???

I had told him the reason I was acting so emotional about it was because I was ovulating this very moment and knew that if we did DTD we would probably make a baby. He left for work after we hugged.

Several hours later he came home from work and we DTD and he ahem **stayed inside me*** This just got me even more confused! : He knew I was ovulating and he usually wants to use a condom. The emotions I felt : : : so confusing!!

AND It was exactly the day of ovulation so now I have to wait the two weeks too! Ugh! I'll probably start testing in a week! I am the Queen of pg tests!

I wish I could read his mind. Why do they do this to us??
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#20 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 01:13 AM
 
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I think somtimes they are really conflicted. They want to have sex and maybe even have more babies (primitive urge) but on a conscious level they are terrified by the financial and emotional responsibility and often they fear being 3rd, 4th or 5th fiddle...

I have asked my dh to keep his mind open and to please not make dramatic statements about never having kids again or making negative comments if I mention "maybe someday"...I've explained to him that I'm just not ready to say never. Still, I don't want to do it until he has some conscious level of enthusiasm at the prospect.
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#21 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 01:28 AM
 
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i don't really have any advice, because i'm in exactly the same situation (almost eerily the same!) i don't feel done with the two we have, and i know that we are meant to have another. i've known since before i had my son that he wasn't the last. but dh is adamant that he doesn't want any more, and although i've gotten him to at least wait on the vasectomy, he still refuses to entertain the possibility. it hurts, and i feel like i'm thinking about getting pg all the time. i just keep hoping he'll change his mind, and if he doesn't, i don't know what i'll do.

not to hijack your thread, but i just want you to know that i understand, because i'm there too. it's hard. you can't compromise and have half a baby, you know? so how DO you compromise in this kind of situation?

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#22 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess there is no compromise, and I agree with someone who said they want dh to be at least alittle enthused about it. I could not trick dh into getting pg, b/c not only is that wrong, I'd have to live with his disappointment, which I couldn't handle (although it IS tempting!!!). He is coming around to the whole possibility that I might be pg right now. He thinks I am; we'll see. He's even laughing about it, so I guess that's good. I asked him that if I'm not pg, would he EVER consider having another baby? He answer, 'yes.". So, I'm not going to be as sad if I'm not pg right now, knowing that I might actually have my 3rd (or 4th...or 5th... )

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#23 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 11:01 AM
 
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I've come to the point where I realize that if I let my preoccupation with having another baby take away from my presence and ability to enjoy my current life and family then it is really dysfunctional. I mean I allow myself to think "maybe someday" but without a husband that supports it (and doesn't feel like he'll die of a heart attack if we have another), it is really selfish (IMO). I'm speaking of myself here. Why do I have to push the issue? Why obsess when I have so much in front of me. Why would it be worth putting my husband through the stress and my kids in the middle of that? In a perfect world, my husband would be so secure that nothing could make him so fearful of having another baby...or he could say that in a perfect world, his wife would be grateful for what she has and stop always nagging about needing more...

We have two kids, we've compromised, I'm not lacking anything. I'm hoping some day it will make sense with this husband to have more kids. If not, I'm trying to count my blessings.
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#24 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 11:26 AM
 
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First of all, I am NOT accusing the OP of this. But, I had to respond to some other posts I have seen in this thread and others like it. I also am sure some posts were meant as a joke, really. But there ARE people who would do this and that is what bugs me.

I think it is beyond disgusting to purposely "oops" a husband who clearly does not wish for more children.

How would you like it if you didn't want any more kids, made it known, and yet your husband sabotaged your birth control, more or less FORCING you to become pregnant against your will? I would be resentful and probably would not stay with someone who would go so far against my wishes.

I see posts about non-coercive parenting and discipline. Why is it okay to be coercive and flat-out deceitful to your husband?

I sometimes wonder if husbands really matter to some women. Are they really partners? Or are they just a means to an end? (having more children~getting what you want) I am not pointing at anyone here in particular, but it really makes me wonder.

Yes, it is sad to some when their childbearing days are over. I cried buckets over getting my tubal. But, I still wanted it, because I knew I could not endure another pregnancy where I was sick 24/7. I had a really hard time with #3. I honestly feel badly for women whose husbands don't want more children and the woman does. But, deceit is not the way to go about it.
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#25 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 11:55 AM
 
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I think it is very important to remember that we come here for a safe place to be honest. If these feelings come up, it is more constructive to come here and work through thme than to act on them. That includes inclinations to trick etc. I've had those thoughts too, no shame in that. It is your actions that count. So I hope no one comes away feeling judged.
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#26 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 12:06 PM
 
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I think it is very important to remember that we come here for a safe place to be honest. If these feelings come up, it is more constructive to come here and work through thme than to act on them. That includes inclinations to trick etc. I've had those thoughts too, no shame in that. It is your actions that count. So I hope no one comes away feeling judged.


If that was directed at my post, point taken. But, I will not agree that it is okay to ever "oops" someone.

I am sure and agree with you that some people would never do what they vent about. I am also sure that some "oops"-type posts are meant as a joke and not to be taken seriously. Some people just vent. That is fine.

But, I have seen some that are dead serious. Who would actually do that. Those are the ones I am referring to. I have known someone who did it. Guess what? She is no longer married because of her deceit and lying. That is so sad.

If you feel judged because of a dissenting opinion, well, I am sorry. It was never my intention to make anyone feel that way. But, I just cannot fathom doing such a thing to a spouse.
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#27 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 01:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First of all, I am NOT accusing the OP of this. But, I had to respond to some other posts I have seen in this thread and others like it. I also am sure some posts were meant as a joke, really. But there ARE people who would do this and that is what bugs me.

I think it is beyond disgusting to purposely "oops" a husband who clearly does not wish for more children.

How would you like it if you didn't want any more kids, made it known, and yet your husband sabotaged your birth control, more or less FORCING you to become pregnant against your will? I would be resentful and probably would not stay with someone who would go so far against my wishes.

I see posts about non-coercive parenting and discipline. Why is it okay to be coercive and flat-out deceitful to your husband?

I sometimes wonder if husbands really matter to some women. Are they really partners? Or are they just a means to an end? (having more children~getting what you want) I am not pointing at anyone here in particular, but it really makes me wonder.

Yes, it is sad to some when their childbearing days are over. I cried buckets over getting my tubal. But, I still wanted it, because I knew I could not endure another pregnancy where I was sick 24/7. I had a really hard time with #3. I honestly feel badly for women whose husbands don't want more children and the woman does. But, deceit is not the way to go about it.

I agree with you, and I'm sure the other women do as well, that it is sad when people don't respect their spouses, or anyone else for that matter. It's nice to see you so passionate about the topic, you obviously have alot of respect for your dh, as do I; which is why I could never trick him into anything (except the rabbit that I really really wanted ) Anyway, I just think people responded to your post the way they did b/c you came off a little strong on a post that was a vent about wanting more babies, and consequently the inner thoughts of wanting to put some semen up there, to achieve this basic desire to have more children. I totally hear you though, and, again, appreciate your devotion to your husband and your marriage.

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#28 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 02:39 PM
 
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I agree with you, and I'm sure the other women do as well, that it is sad when people don't respect their spouses, or anyone else for that matter. It's nice to see you so passionate about the topic, you obviously have alot of respect for your dh, as do I; which is why I could never trick him into anything (except the rabbit that I really really wanted ) Anyway, I just think people responded to your post the way they did b/c you came off a little strong on a post that was a vent about wanting more babies, and consequently the inner thoughts of wanting to put some semen up there, to achieve this basic desire to have more children. I totally hear you though, and, again, appreciate your devotion to your husband and your marriage.

I am passionate by nature. Sometimes I come off a little strong and don't mean to. My post was not directed at anyone in particular. I realize this is a place to vent. But, my point was, there are some who would do something like "oopsing" and I just cannot wrap my head around that at all. I certainly would not want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Believe it or not, I have been there. I was told I could not have children. I got to watch everyone else having the baby showers and the fun for 6 years.

Then, miracles of miracles, I got PG with DS1. When he was about 9 mos old, we found out #2 was coming. Then, in 2002, I had a miscarriage at 6 wks along. I wanted another child, but after it didn't happen, I was resigned to being happy with my two, and then our last child came in 2005. I had difficult pregnancies and decided to have a tubal ligation after #3. I cried the whole day right up until the operation. My doctor had to ask me several times if I was sure I wanted the surgery. I was sad that a part of my life was ending, and really did not want to have the surgery on one level, but knew it was the best for my health and well-being, so I had it done. No regrets. I know it was for the best.

There are people who will never experience the joy of having children, so I know I am truly blessed. Sure, I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter sometimes. But, I have learned to be content with what I have been given.

However, I realize others have not come to terms with it yet. I hope they can and get some peace.
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#29 of 48 Old 10-06-2006, 03:51 PM
 
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TinkerBelle- I totally agree with you. I think you offer some good insight into the obvious consequences of manipulating a mate into something so huge. I didn't assume you meant any offense, I just wanted to reinforce the difference between sharing these thoughts and actually following through. I would hope that maybe sharing the thoughts and getting feedback here might actually influence soemone not to take such action.

I feel very empathetic to the desperation expressed on this thread. I feel it sometimes myself but nothing is happening without dh on board. We went through a separation already following the birth of ds#2 so I have that experience to reflect on. Not everyone gets the gravity of having a child that their dh doesn't really want (accident baby)...BTW, we went into counceling and are still together and he adores and loves ds#2 very deeply. But we had to go through a hell I don't wish for anyone.

I think we're on the same page.
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#30 of 48 Old 10-07-2006, 08:00 AM
 
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Regarding "tricking" one's partner into getting pregnant, I would like to point out that the OP stated that her DH used the withdrawal method. Come on! Your DH does not want another child? Fine. He should put on a condom or get a vasectamy. But for god's sake, don't insult your wife by withdrawing early from the act so that she has to see your semen everywhere other than where she would like it to be. That's just a slap in the face to your wife who you know wants a child. It is hurtful and cruel and I got no sympathy for a man who does that and ends up getting his wife pregnant, however it happens!

Which leads me to my second point: who is anyone to say in this situation that the male partner has been "tricked" or "deceived"? Everyone knows that withdrawal is NOT a 100% effective method of birth control. Who are we to say how a woman got pregnant? Because some escaped while in the act? Because some escaped just outside her opening? Because she reinserted with her fingers? You are a man and you don't want more kids, GET SOME REAL BIRTH CONTROL and stop blaming your wife for tricking you because she wants kids and you had the gall to leave your semen all over the place instead taking responsible steps to prevent pregnancy. You don't want kids? YOU prevent it. Period.

And to the poster who wrote the sanctimonious post stating how could any woman possibly "oops" her husband when he did not want another child, it seems to me that you had your tubal ligation for YOUR OWN reasons and not just because YOUR HUSBAND told you to do it. If someone's husband does not want kids and she does, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TAKING THE APPROPRIATE AND VIRTUALLY SUREFIRE STEPS TO PREVENT IT. There is no question of "oopsing" anyone when we are talking about withdrawal, as it is nowhere near being a surefire method of preventing pregnancy in the first place.

Roman Goddess, mom to J (August 2004) and J (April 2009).    h20homebirth.gif signcirc1.gif
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