Your opinion please - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Which is better in your opinion?
Be a young mom, have a career later 54 64.29%
Career first, be a mom later 30 35.71%
Voters: 84. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 07-09-2007, 11:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Which do you think is better and why?

Having children young (18-28), and focusing on your education and career later once your kids are all in school etc.

OR

Focusing on your education and career when you're young, and having kids at an older age. (29-30s+)
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:26 PM
 
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I guess mine is from personal experience and of course, everyone's situation is different. I was young when I had my kids. Having worked in RE, I know MANY couples who wished they would have had children sooner when the chances were higher.

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Old 07-09-2007, 05:30 PM
 
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Is there a reason you're asking? LOL

I chose the only one I have experience with...but that's by CHOICE! To me, having children and being a mom IS a career...and frankly, the only one I feel is worth it (for me).

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Old 07-09-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. Always. Since I was 12. As it worked out, I had a really, really fun and full life for several decades, dated a lot, traveled, sowed pretty much all my wild oats. Then at age 30 I went back to school and got a degree and a real job. Finally, at 40 I got my real dream of becoming a wife and mother. I really do feel like I've had it all.

I think if you have your kids later in life, you are more ready for it . . . if you've had to wait for a while, due to circumstances or fertility challenges, you (or at least I) appreciate it more and find the little things less annoying. I see a lot of young moms get really wrapped up over the most inconsequential crap that would never even cause a blip on my irritation radar.

My one caveat, don't wait so long that fertility can become a stumbling block. After 35 it gets harder and harder to conceive.
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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My personal choice was to find a balance between career and having children. I wanted to finish my university studies before having children, but I didn't want to wait until I had a well-established career, this would have taken too long. I voted that "it's better" (in my opinion, of course) to be a young mom, but I believe that having children at 18-19-20 is way too young.
Also, I chose to have children before 30 or 35, to avoid fertility or health issues that may occur later in life.
Just my opinion.

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Old 07-09-2007, 05:41 PM
 
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Well for me, I never actually got an education. I finished high school and then took off and lived in Costa Rica for my early 20's. I sowed my wild oats and fully enjoyed my "youth", while learning so much about life and people. I am 29 now and back in Canada. My son is 2 months old and my dh and I were so ready for him to join us. For me it worked out that waiting till my late 20's was the right time to start a family. Getting an academic education was never as important to me as starting a family when I was emotionally and spiritually ready.

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Old 07-09-2007, 05:42 PM
 
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I just don't like being judged by age (as far as when people should be able to have kids). :

I struggled to get pregnant, too. Not as much as some, but being young and having difficulty conceiving and staying pregnant sure is an experience in itself when most everyone around you (age range) gets pregnant at the drop of the hat.

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Old 07-10-2007, 10:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Because Im writing a paper on it :

I had ds when I was 14, hes 4 now.

Thanks for your replies anyone else please post your opinions here, thanks.
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Old 07-10-2007, 01:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by female18- View Post
Because Im writing a paper on it :

I had ds when I was 14, hes 4 now.

Thanks for your replies anyone else please post your opinions here, thanks.
Ooh! Sounds fun! Good luck with it!!

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Old 07-12-2007, 04:25 PM
 
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In an ideal world, 27-32 sounds good to me.

I had my first at 24, and wish i had sown a few more seeds. I also wish I had worked more (career-wise), as I had just graduated University.
I was also quite nervous with my first, and felt I had something to prove????

With my 2nd (age 26) and 3rd (age 30) I was more relaxed.

I am 35 and thinking of a fourth, but have some reservation about having a child later in life. I am kind-of thinking, if I am going to do it, I should do it now.

PS....I think my career has been impacted more by having 3 kids and being AP, rather than the age at which I had them
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by transylvania_mom View Post
My personal choice was to find a balance between career and having children. I wanted to finish my university studies before having children, but I didn't want to wait until I had a well-established career, this would have taken too long. I voted that "it's better" (in my opinion, of course) to be a young mom, but I believe that having children at 18-19-20 is way too young.
Also, I chose to have children before 30 or 35, to avoid fertility or health issues that may occur later in life.
Just my opinion.
I was a mother at 17. I do not consider me to have been way too young. I was experienced from raising 3 brothers and taking care of a house. I was more responsible then than most parents I know IRL today. Please don't judge someone on their age. I found myself to be more flexible, open minded, and patient then than I do even today now that I am getting older.

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Originally Posted by 1babysmom View Post
I just don't like being judged by age (as far as when people should be able to have kids). :

I struggled to get pregnant, too. Not as much as some, but being young and having difficulty conceiving and staying pregnant sure is an experience in itself when most everyone around you (age range) gets pregnant at the drop of the hat.
:
I had a myomectomy and the scarring was so extensive I was told I would NEVER be able to have children at age 16. I was pregnant soon after. My babies are miracles no matter what my age was.

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Old 07-12-2007, 04:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 1babysmom View Post
Is there a reason you're asking? LOL

I chose the only one I have experience with...but that's by CHOICE! To me, having children and being a mom IS a career...and frankly, the only one I feel is worth it (for me).
Couldn't have said it better .

I got pregnant the first time at 20, a few months after getting married, lost that baby. I was a foster parent at the age of 21 (one of the youngest in the state), and loved every minute of it. So I think having/taking care of kids is one of the most important things you can do in life. And I don't for a second feel like I should have taken more "me" time.

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Old 07-15-2007, 04:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
I was a mother at 17. I do not consider me to have been way too young. I was experienced from raising 3 brothers and taking care of a house. I was more responsible then than most parents I know IRL today. Please don't judge someone on their age. I found myself to be more flexible, open minded, and patient then than I do even today now that I am getting older.
By no means am I judging. I'm not saying that a 27 or a 37 year-old woman is a better or a more responsible parent than a 17 year-old woman. I'm just saying that IN MY OPINION at 17-20 years old, a person has so many things to experience and live without the added responsibility of having to meet a child's needs.
Again, just my opinion (this is a thread entitled "your opinion, please", if I'm not mistaken), I'm not judging anyone.

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Old 07-15-2007, 05:14 PM
 
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cant vote because IMO it different for everyone.
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Old 07-18-2007, 11:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

With my 2nd (age 26) and 3rd (age 30) I was more relaxed.
I bet that was more a function of them being your second and third than your age. You would have been more relaxed even if you were younger just because you'd already done it successfully, don't you think?

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I am 35 and thinking of a fourth, but have some reservation about having a child later in life.
Again, IMO, it's more the number of kids that would worry me than the "later in life" age. I had my first when I was about to turn 39. I seem to recall them oh-so-delicatly referring to me as a Geriatric Maternity. Nice. Anyhoo, having him at this advanced age was no sweat . . . in fact, it's perfect. But having four?????!!!!! Oy. Yeah, I'd have some reservations.
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Old 07-18-2007, 11:44 AM
 
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I think younger is better in many ways. It seems so unnatural to me that we wait so long to ttc. I think it is a big factor in the rise of 'infertility.'
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Old 07-18-2007, 12:02 PM
 
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It seems so unnatural to me that we wait so long to ttc. I think it is a big factor in the rise of 'infertility.'
I hear what you're saying, and largely I do agree. It is a fairly recent phenomenon that women make the choice to put career first and leave starting a family to the back burner. And often later is too late.

However . . . for lots of women, a late start IS the natural course for them. In my case, I've wanted a kid since I was 12. There was no career standing between me and motherhood, just timing; I didn't meet the right man till I was 36. I'd much rather face a fertility challenge than trying to raise a child with the wrong man or alone.

When you see an "old" mom like me, don't assume we had to make it to the top of the Corporate Ladder before considering kids. Sometimes it's just fate.
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Old 07-18-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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A lot of my friends are "old" moms. I am not passing harsh judgment on them, or on you!! Most of my friends who had children later are very socioeconomically privileged though. And lesbian, which I think is relevant because even ten years ago lesbians here couldn't get married, easily adopt, or do insem via a sperm bank. So the lesbian baby boom is really starting now.

Personally I'd rather raise a child alone than possibly face infertility later. It's not a risk I'm willing to chance any further than I already have. Which is why I became a single mama at 26 and am currently working on ttc my second, completely solo via donor insem, at 30.

I think it is personal choice to an extent. But I also look at the adoption industry, which I see as being pretty corrupt, and notice the trend of younger women giving up their biological babies often due to desperation and lack of support, to older couples who are infertile but have money to finance adoption.

Things that make me go hmmm. It's more a meta-criticism of a trend I see though, not a criticism of individual mothers whatever their ages.
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Old 07-18-2007, 01:31 PM
 
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However . . . for lots of women, a late start IS the natural course for them. In my case, I've wanted a kid since I was 12. There was no career standing between me and motherhood, just timing; I didn't meet the right man till I was 36. I'd much rather face a fertility challenge than trying to raise a child with the wrong man or alone.

When you see an "old" mom like me, don't assume we had to make it to the top of the Corporate Ladder before considering kids. Sometimes it's just fate.
I'd never judge you for that! In fact, I think that's wonderful. Personally, I think babies NEED to be born into stable 2-parent (for *me* that also means man and woman) families, and so that would be a "prereq" for *me*, too.

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Old 07-18-2007, 06:51 PM
 
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Personally, I think babies NEED to be born into stable 2-parent (for *me* that also means man and woman) families, and so that would be a "prereq" for *me*, too.
Of course we all should do what feels right for us and what we deem best for our child, but for the record, some of the best kids I know were raised in stable two mother families. A man is definitely NOT required.
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Old 07-18-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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Of course we all should do what feels right for us and what we deem best for our child, but for the record, some of the best kids I know were raised in stable two mother families. A man is definitely NOT required.
That's not what I believe...which is precisely why I was saying for "me." All I was trying to do was show support for you when you said "I didn't meet the right man till I was 36. I'd much rather face a fertility challenge than trying to raise a child with the wrong man or alone."

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Old 07-18-2007, 08:33 PM
 
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I feel going to college and starting a career should be done first. That way, after you have kids, you will have a way to support them if something happens to your partner (death/disability/divorce). You also don't have to worry about studying and going to class when you have a little one(s) then. It worked out well for me this way. I had my first at 27 and will deliver my second at 29.

Many finish college at 22-23 years old, and then you can work a couple of years and still be fairly young to have kids. (25-26? thats still young, right?) Having a career doesn't mean you have to wait until 35+ to have kids. (unless, of course, you have fertility problems)

My mother had kids before a career. She was always busy studying when we were little. Then, she was so focused on her career and getting it started that we didn't see much of her. I didn't want to do that to my kids.

Now, if I had reason to believe my fertility was going to be compromised, I would have chosen children when I was younger. Better young and unprepared than never, even if it isn't an ideal situation.
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Old 07-18-2007, 08:42 PM
 
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That's not what I believe...which is precisely why I was saying for "me."
Yeah, I agree that we all have to do what is best, but I just can't let a homophobic notion like that slide without clarifying my opinion.

You might want to just take a second to consider something: What if one of your children grows up to discover he or she is gay. It would be tragic if somehow s/he'd gotten the idea that s/he's not perfect, and perfectly able to parent. Just give the mindset some thought.
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Old 07-18-2007, 08:54 PM
 
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I voted for be a young mom because you just can't take fertility for granted. Also, you never know what interests you'll develop after becoming a mom. It changes you and you could end up not liking your career after having children. But, a stable home-life is also important for children, so assuming that's in place, having them young is a good thing IMO.

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Old 07-18-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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Yeah, I agree that we all have to do what is best, but I just can't let a homophobic notion like that slide without clarifying my opinion.

You might want to just take a second to consider something: What if one of your children grows up to discover he or she is gay. It would be tragic if somehow s/he'd gotten the idea that s/he's not perfect, and perfectly able to parent. Just give the mindset some thought.
You don't need to do any "name calling." Just because of my beliefs regarding family doesn't make me a "homophobe." I'm sort of regretting that I made an effort to show support of your decision...I didn't come here to argue my beliefs vs. someone else's. I never said mine were right and someone else's were wrong. Let's discontinue this discussion...it's not helping the OP out at all.

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Old 07-19-2007, 01:38 PM
 
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I couldn't really answer the poll. What exactly is young? I still get occassional comments on how young I am to have two children. Maybe I just don't look 32. I had my first at 27 and my second at 30. I went to college, travelled across the country, lived in a new place and then travelled around Western Europe before settling back down in my hometown. I'm certainly glad I did those things. I don't know when I'll be able to start travelling again and it will certainly be different with children. I didn't consider myself old to be having children when I did and I also didn't start a career first. My situation is ideal for me, but I can see how different choices work better for different people.

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Old 07-20-2007, 03:25 AM
 
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I don't think in life things are ever this black or white. For e.g., I wish I could have started having children sooner, I always knew that motherhood was for me, but I didn't meet my life partner until I was 30... Then we both went to business school, he started a business while I had to support us both, and then when we started trying it took a while (and FTR, I didn't think I was all that old at 32) we had a couple of m/c's. So here I am at 37, with one child, and just got my first PPAF b/c DD continues to nurse at least 5 times in a 24 hour period, and I feel time is running out on me (I'd like 3 children, ideally). But it was not really a "career or kids" first decision, it was life.
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Old 07-20-2007, 04:31 AM
 
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I think it depends.

If one's life is already working out well at a young age--a decent flexible career, and/or a very reliable DP, and generally a stable life, I think it's great to have kids early. It's the choice that's the most compatible with our biological nature after all. At a younger age you're still a little bit closer to childhood, still have the youthful advantage with health, etc.

OTOH there are benefits to waiting as well, especially if life hasn't settled down yet--it gives you more time to figure things out and start to build that good foundation for life, things that can be done with kids, but it's a little more challenging. Also you can get a little extra maturity in, which matters more for some people than others

Personally I'd generally like to have kids ASAP, but I'm waiting while DH and I get some stuff figured out.
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Old 07-20-2007, 04:46 AM
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For me, I wanted to have all my kids early. I had my son when I was in 11th grade. I would have loved to have been TTCing when I graduated HS(or shortly thereafter), then TTC 2-3 years after that baby was born. I had wanted to be finished having babies by the time I was 23, 24 or so.

Well, DS is an only child, I'm in my mid 20s, and not even close to being in a relationship with ANYONE, let alone someone I'd like to procreate with. Crap happens. Sure isn't the way I'd have wanted it.


And no, to me, 25, 26, etc is not a young mother. (not old either, just not young).

I'm seriously considering making a withdrawl at a sperm bank if I have no serious prospects within the next 18-24mos.
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