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#31 of 47 Old 09-13-2007, 08:17 PM
 
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I can totally relate to this. I have 4 kids actually and I feel like there is one more (a boy to be exact) waiting or wanting to come to our family. I don't know where this feeling comes from and I don't know what to do with it. My DH says he doesn't want anymore kids, and truthfully I wish wish wish that I had that feeling of 'being done'. I don't know if I could be a good mother with 5. I feel stretched out with 4. To tell the truth, I don't want to go through another pregnancy, I don't want to deal with the newborn stage again. But those years a very short in the whole aspect of things. I want to be done but I keep having this nagging feeling and know that I'm going to regret it in years to come. But I also know that I can't go against my DH either, that we have to be totally unified in this type of decision. Where do these feelings come from? I'm glad I found this thread because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

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#32 of 47 Old 09-14-2007, 12:27 AM
 
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I have been watching this thread with great interest as I am also in the same position.

We have three children and I desperately want another. I love being pregnant, despite the SPD and MS, and I love the newborn stage, feeding during the night, slinging etc, and I also love when they become that little bit more independant. My DP says "no way". I resent him already for not letting me complete our family, but what can I do? I can't destroy our family because of it. But I am so upset and depressed about his decision, because he has all the power. It is not a financial issue for us, he simply says he doesn't want anymore.

My closest friend gave birth yesterday and I am afraid to go and see her and the baby because I know it is going to push me into a deeper depression. I am very happy for her but it will just remind me that I won't get it again. I realise I am very lucky to be able to have children at all, and I am completely grateful for the ones I have, but I still have a hole in me.....

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Shelly (34), mumma to H (01), C (03), and M (05), and A (10).  Crunchy, co-sleeping, cloth, babywearing hippy!!
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#33 of 47 Old 09-14-2007, 10:17 AM
 
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Here too seems there are lots of us

But I was in your (op's) shoes 6 yrs ago...we got pg with #3 when my body decided to ovulate super early lol (that's what you get for assuming you're a FAM expert ) and I thought I'd be done. Then a while later the old baby longing started and we had #4. I was sure I would be done, but now here I am again feeling the need for #5. Will it ever end lol Dh says no...but then when I go to give away the baby clothes he says "you never know" lol

I agree that men seem to focus on the time and money issues mostly.

I also agree that the therapist is a bit off to be calling it a compulsion. But then, I'm of the mind that if it's meant to happen, it'll happen and there are some things we're meant to do we have no control over.

I just keep thinking of the older lady that owns the hfs we shop at. She told me she regrets only having two and that it seems you never regret having more, just not having as many as you wanted :

Good luck ladies!

C ~ mama to (16), (13), (9) (5)

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#34 of 47 Old 09-14-2007, 06:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by maybebaby View Post
I just keep thinking of the older lady that owns the hfs we shop at. She told me she regrets only having two and that it seems you never regret having more, just not having as many as you wanted :
No, no ducking. It's true. I just wish I could convince my Hubby of that.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#35 of 47 Old 09-15-2007, 10:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sammythecat View Post
I can totally relate to this. I have 4 kids actually and I feel like there is one more (a boy to be exact) waiting or wanting to come to our family. I don't know where this feeling comes from and I don't know what to do with it. My DH says he doesn't want anymore kids, and truthfully I wish wish wish that I had that feeling of 'being done'. I don't know if I could be a good mother with 5. I feel stretched out with 4. To tell the truth, I don't want to go through another pregnancy, I don't want to deal with the newborn stage again. But those years a very short in the whole aspect of things. I want to be done but I keep having this nagging feeling and know that I'm going to regret it in years to come. But I also know that I can't go against my DH either, that we have to be totally unified in this type of decision. Where do these feelings come from? I'm glad I found this thread because I know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

i knew that the child i was 'meant' to have was a boy. as soon as i got pg, i knew there was a girl in there. it totally threw me, and still does. i can't tell you how many times i've panicked thinking "omg, this isn't the one i was suppose to have, what if she's taken way from me, i love her so much, God, please please do not take her away from me!!!!!" (hey, sleep-deprivation makes you think weird thoughts in the middle of the night!) Now i keep thinking "what if she was a little bonus that God threw me, and i'm going to have another and it's a boy..." weird, huh?

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#36 of 47 Old 09-15-2007, 12:14 PM
 
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i knew that the child i was 'meant' to have was a boy. as soon as i got pg, i knew there was a girl in there. it totally threw me, and still does. i can't tell you how many times i've panicked thinking "omg, this isn't the one i was suppose to have, what if she's taken way from me, i love her so much, God, please please do not take her away from me!!!!!" (hey, sleep-deprivation makes you think weird thoughts in the middle of the night!) Now i keep thinking "what if she was a little bonus that God threw me, and i'm going to have another and it's a boy..." weird, huh?
I always thought I was supposed to have a girl. Whne I was four months pregnant with my son, all of a sudden I "knew" he was a boy, and it was comfirmed about two weeks later and I spent the rest of my pregnancy with similar thoughts- What if it was a "mistake" and God meant to give me a girl? What if God realizes his "mistake" and takes him back? Then, when I married my Hubby and got my stepdaughter, I thought, What is this is God's way of giving me a little girl? What if this is the only little girl I'll ever have, this daughter who will never be my daughter? I love both my children more than anything. IO would not give my son up for the world, wouldn't have even thought of trading him for a daughter, once I knew who he was (at four months pregnant). And I love my stepdaughter no less than I would love her if she was my "real" child, but it's just not the same. She's not "mine", she's another woman's. We're not "allowed" to have a Mother/Daughter relationship, although I can't imagine us being closer if she was my "real" daughter. I've always "known" that I would have a daughter and she would be named Hannah. I sure hope I'm right.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#37 of 47 Old 09-17-2007, 12:30 AM
 
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It is weird. With DS 12 years ago, he was supposed to be a girl. But guess what, he wasn't.

DH and I do feel that DD#3 is the girl we were waiting for 12 years ago. Weird, eh? She's the spitting image of her brother and we named her the name we were going to name DS had he been a girl. She's the same Chinese and astrological signs, too. Same mellow personality. It feels like she was waiting all this time to join our family. Weird.
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#38 of 47 Old 09-26-2007, 04:59 AM
 
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Dh had a vasectomy the end of July. This was after a couple years of him giving me time to accept it. We decided to use the 12 condoms we bought for after and then be done with protection. We have changed insurance and will have to wait to test his count. I have always wanted another, while not always ideal in some areas of life. Dh doesn't like kids, just our dd. We have talked about adoption of a 2-4 y.o. since the baby phase is apparently a big obstacle for Dh. I want to start the ball even if right now is busy/stressful since it takes so long by then things will have calmed down in the adjusting to a new job department. Dh isn't sure, and since the process is arduous, you really have to be sure. Now I'm actively keeping track of cervical mucous and other cycle symptoms in the hope that there are some swimmers around.

Mama to Hailey Rose '02 Pro- crunchy
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#39 of 47 Old 09-28-2007, 04:25 PM
 
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I love this thread. I actually set the table for 5 people twice in the last week, even though there are currently only 4 in our family.

I just know there is another soul out there that I am meant to birth.

Luckily DH is on board, though somewhat tentatively at the moment. We're not going to TTC for another 6 months at least. I would like my youngest to be almost 2 when I get pg again.

OP -- I must say that I personally feel it is a bit unfair for your DH to be so adamantly against another child, when it is obviously truly very important to you. GL

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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#40 of 47 Old 09-28-2007, 04:58 PM
 
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Augustine,
I have to say that I totally agree - I also think it's unfair for our DH to make this decision for us... BUT, I also don't know that I think it's fair to force them into something if they truely truely do not want any more kids.

Congrats on being able to TTC soon!

So last night we had a conversation that went like this:

So last night after the kids were in bed I kept contemplating saying something to my DH about not trying for a baby, but not preventing. I had decided that the timing just wasn’t right as I didn’t just want to bring it up out of nowhere. So… we were laying in bed and the perfect opportunity came – my hubby rolled over and told me he loved me and I said, “how much do you love me”. He replied, not enough to have a baby. L So… I then took his opening line to say, well since I really want a baby and you are not sure if you do or don’t want a baby at this point. Why don’t we try something new- How about we not try to get pregnant, but maybe not be overly cautious all the time and see what happens. I said, maybe we should leave it in God’s hands – then he proceeds to say, that doesn’t make any sense (he caught on too quickly), plus I have “super sperm” and one time will get you pregnant. I told him that wasn’t true and he said, but don’t you remember we only tried “once” for our son and you were on top (I know too much info) and you got pregnant that time. He said, I thought I might have gotten to try more than once!! So I said, well I am almost 10 years older now and things just don’t happen that quickly when you are older – he says, but I always heard that you couldn’t get pregnant with a girl on top because of gravity – that wasn’t true. I said, well you shouldn’t believe everything that you hear, because common sense would say that you can get pregnant either way!! I said we could just try having casual bd once in a while and see what happens, it might be fun. J He said, yeah and then we will be broke. L I proceeded to say, well life is way too short not to fulfill your dreams and we wouldn’t be broke forever (we really have enough money anyway) and when the kids are all older we will look back and say I am so glad we had all of our kids. Afterall at that point I told him he would thank me for talking him into having another child because he would definitely miss that one if he/she wasn’t there. At that point he was falling asleep or at least acting like he was – so I don’t know if he was thinking or not. L He didn’t totally reject the idea, but didn’t say yes either. He really just focused on having super sperm. So… now I am totally analyzing this conversation looking for clues to a yes, when in reality I don’t think he really every implied a yes, didn’t necessarily argue though and outright say – I don’t want anymore kids.

I truely am looking for outsiders insight as to how you think the conversation went. He really didn't say anything either way and then went to sleep. He could have been thinking anything.

I think I was so insecure with his response that I then went on to dream he was cheating on me. I know in real life he is not, it just must have been my subconcious dealing with the feeling of being alone on this topic.
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#41 of 47 Old 09-28-2007, 04:59 PM
 
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Birthnbunnies~ I understand - if you are going to consider adoption it doesn't hurt to at least get the process started!
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#42 of 47 Old 09-28-2007, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry you are in this position....I hope that works out for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Birth&Bunnies View Post
Dh had a vasectomy the end of July........ Now I'm actively keeping track of cervical mucous and other cycle symptoms in the hope that there are some swimmers around.

DS1 March 2003DS2 Sept 2005,
and 3 , in our happy secular
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#43 of 47 Old 09-30-2007, 10:14 PM
 
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I can so sympathize as I am trying to work through a similar situation with my DH. We also have two children and I want a 3rd while by DH doesn't really want anymore. I really truely feel like I have a child missing - if this is a crazy/obsessive feeling then there are alot of crazy people out there.

I don't feel like this feeling will go away and am trying to figure out what I need to do/say to my DH to really help him understand. Though, I am sure he does as this conversation comes up very frequently in our house.

I guess I really wish I knew what DH is thinking as he says he doesn't want anymore, but sometimes he thinks things that he doesn't necessarily share with me if that makes sense? It's kind of like when we wanted a new puppy - he said no over and over and finally he agreed. He now loves the dog and she is part of our family. I guess I just wish I knew if he would change his mind you know.

We have casual conversations and ones where he jokingly will say "let's make a baby" only to go and grab a towell (I know, TMI). At one point he said maybe and then backed out and said no. I know that he knows this is a very real topic for me and that it's not going to go away - he even said that this weekend when I apologized for bringing this up constantly. He said he knew it was still going to come up.

I truely wish that he would just change his mind and agree.

On a side note: I wander if dreams come true?? I had a dream this weekend that I was pregnant with Twins (a boy/girl).

If anyone has a thoughts on what to say/do to help the situation I would greatly appreciate hearing them and I look forward to hearing more on this topic.
I could have written this post! Down to the very last word!!

I have been watching this thread lately and it is so comforting to know I am not alone!

My dh knows how sensitive I am about this subject and yet he will still say things like....alright lets try for a boy! Only to laugh and tell me I am crazy, when I get excited! :

We have had a couple "oops" moments over the last few months and I have obsessed over EVERY little symptom each time only to come up with NOTHING! Unfortunetly neither of us are super fertile! :

I just keep hoping each month for another "oops" (dd2 was an "oops" baby). I have a feeling this is the only way I am going to have another.
The newborn stage is REALLY awful for both of us, neither of us like it, but i still feel like I have one more in me.

Only problem is dh kind of knows when I am fertile I guess I should quite telling him and writing down on the calendar when I have AF! That way when he asks me if it's "safe", I'll say SUUURREE! I know I am evil!
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#44 of 47 Old 10-01-2007, 01:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It sounds like maybe he got tired of talking about it and stopped. It's hard to know if anything you said may have had some influence after he thought about it for a while or not. For you, I hope so.


Quote:
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I truely am looking for outsiders insight as to how you think the conversation went. He really didn't say anything either way and then went to sleep. He could have been thinking anything.
.

DS1 March 2003DS2 Sept 2005,
and 3 , in our happy secular
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#45 of 47 Old 10-06-2007, 10:18 PM
 
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We're going through the same thing... We have 3 kids, and I KNOW we're supposed to have 4. I've dreamed about having another baby boy many times. Told my dh, and he doesn't want any more kids. He's almost 43, and I'm barely 36---not too old, but not quite young either. My heart breaks to think of us not having another baby; it feels like a part of me is missing. I love the children I have and am so grateful to have them, but...I just cannot shake that nagging feeling of there being one more baby we're supposed to have. The only regrets I've ever heard from anyone were for not having more children, not for having too many.
BTW....I'm a couple days late. Hmmmm..... :
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#46 of 47 Old 10-07-2007, 12:48 AM
 
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The "compulsion" word is stuck in me head. It seems to me that a "compulsion" is a psychological thing, feeling in your heart you have another baby to have is another.

Reducing a woman's "desire" to have a child is to reduce womankind to an errtic bundle of nerves and hormones, unable to control herself, and unable to understand why.

I have two more kids to have, (My Mom is always trying to tell me to have four, but nope, there will be three). DH and I talk a lot about child spacing, sometimes he'll say- "I don't want any more kids" but that's just when he feels overwhelmed. Then he'll say he wants more. I just came back to pre-pregnancy weight, and I'm thinking about trying again.

Actually DH and I don't "try" and we don't "Not Try" our method of birth control is pulling out, and just waiting to see what happens. The only problem with this is that every month we have to deal with "am I or aren't I?".

Anyway, I will end up having two girls and a boy...I just know it
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#47 of 47 Old 10-07-2007, 04:29 PM
 
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I am pretty pissed that he decided for both of us long ago that two was it. I don't believe he has ever considered for a moment how I feel about it or what I want.
I can completely relate to that sentence. We are TTC #1 right now, but my husband has made it clear that he absolutely doesn't want more than 2, and that he will get a vasectomy as soon as #2 is born. That really made me angry, frustrated, and sad. : For all I know, two may be enough once I get to that point, but as of right now I would like to have 3.

I just don't understand why our DH's think it is their decision alone.: If I told him I didn't want any kids, he would feel the same way - angry, frustrated, and sad. Sometimes it is the other way around where husbands want more kids than the wives do, but WE are the ones who have to carry them!!!

How much different is it going to be to have one more child once we have two? It's not like he has to give birth to any of them, you know? It just irks me. I don't really have any advice because I am in a similar situation, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I am an only child, and while it was nice to not have to share & to get all the attention, I missed out on having automatic playmates and all the good things that can come from having siblings.

Oh, and another reason I would like more than 2 is because I desperately want at least one daughter (wouldn't mind if I had all girls, but a mix is fine), and our chances would be better with more children. If I end up with two boys and he won't agree to more, I will be severely depressed. I have a difficult time relating to little boys because I am super-girly. Plus, I was raised by my mother & we were and still are very close. I don't want to miss out on the opportunity for a mother-daughter bond like that. Boys can be wonderful too, I know this, but it's just not the same as having at least one child the same gender as me.

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